I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
I can't believe this is happening.
It seemed like just yesterday we were six year old running through the park, chasing butterflies and playing hide and seek.
Where the hell did this come from?
Why did this happen?
How can someone as sweet and loving as Cat deserve such a cruel, terrible thing?
I can't help but feel responsible.
If I hadn't called her and told her to come over, she never would have been on the road, and never would have been hit by that drunk driver.
I will never get the image of her in that hospital bed out of my mind.
Wires connected to her wrists, tubes down her throat, her hair all tangled, her left arm crushed.
I wasn't even supposed to see her; I pushed my way through and ran into the hospital room until the security assholes carried me out.
I can't accept this.
I'm scared to accept this.
It'll make it all so real and I just can't handle that.
Life will never be the same; I will never be the same.
Oh Cat, I miss you.
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
Everything reminds me of her.
I can't go anywhere without seeing her, smelling her, hearing her laugh.
I stole her perfume from her room and I'm practically bathing in it, trying to keep the scent permanently laced into my head.
I'm watching all of her slap videos, trying to memorize the sound of her melodic voice and childlike laugh.
Beck thinks I'm insane, and at this point I know I am, torturing myself like this. I can't stop crying and I know she wouldn't want me to do this, but I just can't stop.
She was my whole life.
I saw her the other day.
I've never believed in ghosts, I laughed at the people who did, but I will forever be a believer.
I was in her room, lying in her bed, sobbing into her pillow when I heard her laughing. I smiled a small smile at the sound, thinking it was in my head, until I sat up and she was standing in the corner.
I blinked and my eyes got wide when she didn't disappear.
She looked as beautiful as ever. No scars, bruises or blood in sight. Her hair looked freshly dyed and she was in her favorite dress.
"Cat?" I had whispered in disbelief, my voice shaking.
She giggled and smiled her beautiful smile, "don't be sad, Jadey." She had said.
The words still echo through me.
She blew me a kiss and another smile lit up her face.
I got up and ran to her, my arms out wide, but when I got there I was hugging air.
I waited for hours, days, weeks, for her to come back.
I never saw her again.
These wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Beck said he wants me to see a therapist.
I refuse.
Sure, talking will probably help, but there's no way in hell I'm going to sit there and hear some stupid shrink tell me she understands my pain.
No one will ever know how much Cat meant to me.
It hurts.
Not just emotionally, physically as well.
There's a pain in my chest, like a thousand pounds is sitting on top of it, and it just won't go away. It hurts; it makes it hard to breathe.
I start gasping sometimes, hyperventilating, because I just can't get enough oxygen through.
The pain is excruciating, it's like she took my soul with her and now I'm just an empty shell.
I can't take this anymore.
Years of love and friendship and laughs and support and happiness.
Gone.
One day she was here and we were happy and the next she's gone and I'm alone.
There's too much to forget.
Time will never fix this.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
"Why, Jade?" she sobbed, her tears leaking down from my shoulder to my wrist. "Why do they do this to me? Why are they so cruel?"
"I don't know, Cat." I let a few of my own tears slip out. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
She only cried in response.
I took her arm and slowly and gently cleaned all of the blood off of it, before wrapping her arm in a bandage.
I then put a cloth in warm water before softly dabbing at her eye, to clean the blood off. It would definitely be black and blue tomorrow and probably end up hurting like hell.
Poor, Cat. My heart reached out to her and I wish I could take her pain away.
Her ankle looked swollen and it was probably sprained.
She said they pushed her down the stairs.
What I wouldn't give to kill them right now.
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
"I'm scared, Jade." She whispered into the phone, and I could tell she was crying.
"It's gonna be okay, Cat." I reassured, but the shakiness in my voice probably ruined it.
"No, it's not. They're downstairs determining what to do with me. I've never seen them this mad."
"Where are you now? Are you safe?" I asked quickly, trying to hide the pure rage I was feeling.
"I locked myself in my closet, but they'll find a way to get in, I'm sure."
"I'm on my way, don't move." I answered, before hanging up.
I ran down the stairs and raced out the front door. I flew open my car door and started the ignition faster than I ever have in my life. I sped all the way to her house, thanking god there wasn't a cop anywhere.
I parked a block away so they wouldn't see me and sprinted to the back yard. There was a huge tree in her backyard by her bedroom window that I had used multiple times like this to save her from her own parents.
I climbed up the branches carefully, and skillfully, knowing this tree like the back of my hand. I sat at the top and opened the window like I had so many times before. I walked quietly through her room to her closet, taking a bobby pin out of my hair, and opening the lock.
She looked up terrified; probably thinking I was them, a huge sigh of relief left her lips when she realized it was me.
I pulled her up and grabbed her hand, tip toeing towards the window. I helped her climb down and we sprinted back to my car, hand in hand.
She got in the passenger side and let her head fall back, her eyes closed and her breathing deep. I put one hand on her thigh and looked away from the road for a minute.
"You okay?" I asked hesitantly.
"I am now." She nodded, smiling at me. "Thank you, Jadey."
"Anytime, Rina. You know that." I smiled back.
And I held your hand through all of these years
"Jade, no wait!" she pulled me back by the arm and her eyes were wide, fear clear in them.
"What?" I asked annoyed. We're walking into the auditorium to audition for a top notch performing arts high school and now she decides she has something she needs to tell me?
"I can't do this." She said, shaking her head.
My annoyance faded, "Cat, what are you talking about? Of course you can."
"No, I can't. I'm too nervous." Her breathing picked up and she started pacing back and forth. "I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm too nervous and I'm gonna screw up and then my whole life is over and I just can't do this."
"Cat! Stop it. You're an amazing singer, you're going to do great, you're going to get in, and we're going to be famous. Okay?"
"No." she whined, shaking her head.
"Cat," my voice got softer and I put her face in my hands, "Listen to me. I'm here with you. You got this. We're going to go in there and we're going to get in and we're going to take on these next four years together, alright?"
"Together?" she whispered after a few seconds.
I smiled, "Together."
She smiled a small smile and grabbed my hand before opening the auditorium door and stepping into our future.
But you still have all of me
She's gone.
I know she is, I can't deny it anymore.
It's been a month and yes, I've spent most of the time in her room or looking at pictures or videos, but I have realized she's gone at this point.
And I want to move on, I really do, because I can't take this pain, it will kill me.
But it's like she won't let me go.
She always there, in some way. I'm not the only one who feels it, we're all struggling.
She remains there, it's almost creepy. She lingers in the air, like we can feel her soul lurking through us. Every time the wind blows I swear to god I can smell her.
She's always going to be there.
In a way I'm glad, but honestly, I don't think I can take this that much longer.
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
"So then, my brother grabbed the can of squeeze cheese and started squirting it down his pants!" Cat babbled on as she threw books in her locker and as I leaned against the locker next to hers and took another sip form my coffee.
"So I was 'what are you doing?' and he was all 'get away or it's going down your pants!' and I'm all 'what's that supposed to mean?' and then he started squirting it at me and I ran away." She looked at me with a blank face, what I like to call her empty face.
"Very nice, Cat." I answered, amused.
"So what did you do this weekend?" she asked with a smile.
"Eh, just hung out with Beck. The usual. I kinda wish I was there to see your brother spray cheese on the wall though, that's gotta be more entertaining than watching reality TV with your boyfriend for two days straight." I complained, lying a little bit. I would have loved to see that, but we weren't exactly just watching TV.
"Like that's all you did." She giggled, and I swear she can read my mind.
"True," I laughed, "but I didn't wanna dirty up your pure mind." I laughed again, rubbing the top of her head, laughing even harder when she squealed and ran away fixing her hair and yelling at me to 'stop messing up the cupcakeness.'
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
It's like there are shackles holding me down.
I can't break free and it's so damn confusing because I don't know if I want to.
She's gone, my best friend, my sister, she's not here anymore.
I don't want to lose all memories of her, she was my whole life, and I don't want to let that go.
But I'm not the same anymore, this pain is never ending and I really can't endure it.
It's like I'm tied down and I can't get out.
But do I want to forget?
I know I don't, but I can't take the pain…
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams
"Jadeyyyy," she calls, her voice giggly. "Jadey, come find me, Jadey." She laughs.
It's dark and I can't see much, but I hear her voice coming from every direction, leaving me lost and not knowing where to go.
"C'mon Jade! You already counted to thirty! Say 'ready or not, here I come' and come find me!" she continues to giggle and I start smiling at the sound.
It's like we're five again and we're playing hide and go seek, expect this time it's dark, I don't know where I am and it's scaring me because of the slight creepiness she has in her voice.
It's not her usual giggle voice and that scares me.
"Jade," she calls again, this time sounding closer. "C'mon Jade, I just wanna play with you!"
I start walking backwards, until my back hits a wall, and I sink to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest and holding on tight. I can't shake the feeling something wrong is happening here, I've never felt this worried before, and for once in my life, I don't wanna be near Cat.
"Jadey I miss you! Let's play Jade, c'mon I haven't seen you in forever," she whines, sounding very un-Cat like.
Tears well in my eyes and the fear starts to grow and I know something isn't right.
This isn't my Cat.
"Jade, the least you can do is play with me after what you did to me." She snapped, sounding even closer.
"What did I do to you?" I whispered, confused, a single tear leaking down my cheek.
"Oh Jadey," she giggled darkly. "You know what you did."
Another tear fell and I started hearing her footsteps walking towards me.
"What?" I ask again, fearing the answer.
She comes into view now, and I gasp at the sight. Her forearm is all crushed and she's limping, she has scars, cuts and bruises all over. Her chest is covered in blood and her eye is swollen.
She looks just like she did after the accident.
"You killed me." She whispers darkly, her eyes full of hatred.
I shoot straight up from the bed, gasping for air, there tears running down my face and I swear to god I can feel her hand in mine.
It was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream.
I chant over and over but I know it's not, because in the end, it's my fault she's dead.
"Jade?" Beck calls, waking up. He rubs his eyes before turning the light on, his eyes widen at the sight of my tears and his eyes immediately fill with concern.
I must have terrified him, the sight of me hunched over, sobbing, and gasping for air is one he usually doesn't see from me but I think lately he's gotten used to it.
"Jade, babe, what's wrong?" he pulled me into his lap and pushed the hair out of my face before kissing my cheek. "Did you have a nightmare or something? What is it, doll?"
I just shake my head, knowing I won't be able to spit the words out.
He started slowly rocking me back and forth.
"It's okay, baby, it's okay." He whispered.
Except it's not because I killed my best friend.
"I killed her, Beck." I sobbed. "I killed Cat, it's all my fault she's dead." I break down again, to the point where the sobs are actually starting to hurt.
"Jade, stop it!" he demanded, grabbing my face and forcing me to look him in the eyes. "You had nothing to do with, Jade. It was a freak thing, it's not your fault." He said strongly.
"Yes it is!" I shrieked, I know it is. And I hate myself for it. "If I hadn't called her she wouldn't have been out."
"Jade stop trying to blame yourself, you didn't do anything." He looked in my eyes, searching for a response, but I just sobbed into his chest with his arms tight around me.
Because he'll never understand, no one will ever understand, what it's like to kill your best friend.
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
"See? No one would ever say that, why? Because if you were soaking wet, and you were upset about it, the last thing you'd want is for someone to bring you the ocean. Because the ocean is even more wet the wettest person in the world can be. So the ocean, would just make your situation worse. Bye!" her sweet voice stopped and the video cut off and more tears fell from my eyes.
I'm in the RV waiting for Beck to come back from getting the pizza we ordered, and I know I shouldn't have but I broke the promise I make every time he's not with me.
Don't do anything to remind me of Cat that will cause me pain or make me feel guilty.
I break it every time.
I watch every one of her slap videos, I go through all the pictures on my phone of us, my listen to all of her favorite songs, I wear her clothes.
I know her parents don't give a shit and her brother is too out there to even know what's happening so I'm pretty much the only one that's been in there since the accident.
I take her clothes, her pillow cases, her stuffed animals, her perfume. Anything I can get that will remind of her.
I don't like lying to Beck, and in a way I'm not, because I know he knows what I'm doing,
I do feel horrible, because I know I haven't been paying enough attention to him since she left us, and I know he deserves more.
But he's loyal as ever, and hasn't left my side since.
I do love him, but the person I love the most is out of my life and I just can't take it.
I click on another video and let the tears fall as I wait for Beck to come back and scoop me into his arms and wipe my tears.
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
It's been two months.
Two whole months without her smile, without her laugh, without her love.
I'm slowly falling apart.
I can't take it, the world just feels so empty.
I always thought we'd make it through, always thought we'd be the ones on top, and now we're separated and I'm left to live life without her, chained down with guilt.
She's gone and I'd give anything to be with her.
Lately the tears won't stop falling.
I walk around her neighborhood a lot, just to seem like she's still here I guess.
It's cloudy today and I'm trying to keep the tears in but I just can't so they fall silently and I wish I could be strong because I know that's what she would want.
I hear footsteps behind me and I wish I was alone because I really can't be around people right now.
They get closer and I'm about to snap at them to get lost until I turn and realize it's Robbie.
Here we go.
He's puppet-less though, thank god.
"Hey, Jade." He asks me hesitantly, never seeing me cry before.
"What do you want, Shapiro?" I asked, exhausted.
"I just wanted to see how you were, see if everything's okay-"
"You can tell Beck that I'm fine and to have his friends stop checking up on me." I snapped, I can't be mad at Beck though, he's doing it out of love.
"He's worried about you, Jade." He says, "We all are." He adds quietly.
"Well don't be, I'm fine."
He stops walking and I don't look back, I don't need this right now.
"You're not the only one who misses her, Jade." He calls.
I just keep walking.
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I'm lying on my bed writing another play, hoping it'll be even more sick and disturbing than the previous.
Senior year just started and I'm hoping I actually get lead roles this year.
I'm right in the middle of writing a scene about a girl being viciously and mercilessly murdered when I hear rapid footsteps running up the stairs outside my bedroom, and I'm home alone and that means only one thing.
Catarina Valentine has barged into my home once again.
Not that I'm complaining, I sneak into her house through her bedroom window, at least she uses the front door.
My bedroom door flies open and there she stands with the biggest smile on her face that I've ever seen.
"Robbie asked me out!" she shrieked and started jumping up and down.
"Oh my god, no fucking way!" I yell, and get up to hug her and join in on the jumping.
Now if anyone ever saw me acting like this I'd threaten their life, but since it's Cat, I'm able to let my girly side come out and actually be compassionate.
"Yes!" she shrieked, jumping once again. We both scream and I pull her in for a hug.
She laughs and kisses my cheek before pulling back and smiling, "Now we both have someone who loves us."
"We'll always have each other, Cart." I reminded, knowing that'll always be true.
"I meant a boy, silly." She giggles, before plopping down on my bed.
"I know, but I want you to know that I will always love you more than Robbie does." I laugh, lying down next to her.
She smiles, "And Beck will never love you like I love you."
She pulls me in for a hug and I don't think I've ever felt more content.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
"That's so sad!" she exclaimed, tears rushing down her face.
I turn to her, amused. I laugh lightly before handing her the box of tissues. "It's just a movie, Cat, calm down."
"But she doesn't remember him!" she shrieks, rapidly wiping tears from her face. "After everything thing they've been through, she doesn't know it's him!"
"Cat, if I had known you were gonna sob all over the place I wouldn't have agreed to watch the Notebook." I said, raising my eyebrows. I love her to death, but I can't take all the crying.
"I'm s-s-so-sorry." She blubbered. "I just can't believe this! He loses her once, and now she doesn't remember him and just – oh!" she blew her nose noisily into the tissue and I made a face of faux disgust and rolled my eyes at her craziness.
"Cat, they're not real people. It's not real, it's just a movie." I reassured, wishing she'd just go to sleep, we got school tomorrow and no amount of coffee will wake me up if I only get an hour of sleep.
"Still!" she cried.
"Cat, c'mon, you're an actress, you know how easy it is to fake emotion."
"But Jade!" she cried, turning her body towards me, "what if you got Alzheimer's and you couldn't remember me and I was left all alone and our friendship ended cause you couldn't remember it!"
I looked at her with sympathy in my eyes, she looked truly upset at that thought. "I'll never forget you, Cat." I whispered, grabbing her hand.
"Promise?" she asks quietly, sticking her pinkie out.
I smile, "I promise,"
And our pinkies interlocked.
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
"Jade," she whispered, lightly poking my side.
"What?" I whined, rolling over to face her. We were on the floor of her room, my black sleeping bag clashing with her bright pink one.
It's like five in the morning and all I wanna do is sleep and she wakes me up. Great.
"I think there's something in my closet." She whispers back.
I sit up, pushing the hair out of my face. "Cat, you're twelve years old, isn't it time you stop being afraid that there are monsters in your closet?"
"How do you know it's a monster? It could be something else scary!" she freaked. "Go check Jadey, pretty please?" she looked up at me with those puppy dog eyes I can never refuse and I roll my eyes before getting up.
"C'mon," I say, grabbing her hands and pulling her up with me. I walk over to the closet with her cowering behind me.
I slowly open the door and turn on the light, and just like I knew, there isn't anything out of the ordinary in there.
I turn towards her, "happy?" I ask.
"Yes." She answers, before walking over and crawling back into bed.
I roll my eyes, she's crazy, but she makes my life worth living.
And I held your hand through all of these years
"Jadey," she whined, "I'm scared."
"Don't be, Cat, everything's going to be fine." I smiled reassuringly, but in all honestly, I was scared too.
"Are you sure?" she asked, tears welling up.
"Positive." I said, kissing her hand, carefully avoiding touching the IV in her wrist. "You'll only be asleep for a few hours."
"But what if I don't wake up?" she whimpered, letting a tear fall.
I wiped it away and smiled, "Sweetheart, people get their appendix removed all the time, and everything goes fine, just be glad you got to keep yours for eleven years."
"But I'm scared, Jadey!" she cried, "I don't want anyone cutting me open."
"Cat, honey, you won't feel a thing, and when you wake up I will be waiting right here and I'll be the first thing you see when you open your eyes."
"Promise?" she whimpered again.
I smiled, "Promise."
"It hurts jade," she whines, clutching her stomach.
"I know, hun, and that's why you need it removed so it won't hurt anymore."
"Jade, if I didn't wake up," she starts, "Would you miss me?" she finishes quietly.
My own tears start to fall and I wipe them away before answering, "You know that I would." I whisper.
"I'd miss you too." More tears fall as she whispers.
We both turn our heads as the doctor walks in, chart in hand, "Are you ready, Catarina?"
She looks at me, and I nod with a small smile, "Yes." She whispers quietly.
"Okay," he says, going behind her bed and wheeling her out of the hospital room.
She looks back at me, and I wave with a small smile, and she gives a small one back.
I sit down in the chair I the corner and pull my phone out and wait for the reason for my existence to come out of the operating room.
But you still have all of me
We're in Beck's car, driving home from the beach, and I'm switching radio stations constantly, trying to look for a song that doesn't suck. The others went in Andre's car, and we're supposed to all meet at his place after.
I finally settle on some R&B song and lean my head back against the seat, and smile as Beck grabs my hand.
It had been a hard day, the last time we had been to the beach all together was when we got locked in, and that just brought on a whole lot of painful memories.
Cat loved the beach.
The seagulls, the sand, the waves, the sun, the ice cream, the salty smell. She loved it all.
It just hadn't seemed right without her there.
The song ends and what comes on?
Give It Up.
Beck moves his hand to turn it to another station, but I grab it and interlock my fingers with his, "leave it." I whisper.
"Jade, I told you, it's not good for you to be dwelling on this-"
"Beck," I cut him off, "Please, just this once, let me grieve over my best friend, and remember our life together."
He doesn't say anything, just turns it up louder.
I lean against the seat and close my eyes again, and I'm suddenly back in the Karaoke club singing my heart out.
Everything from those two days flood back to my mind, memories I tried to silence, and I smile slightly, basking in the warmth that is Cat.
Are buffalo nuggets spicy?
So not tight.
Excuse me, Miss?
He has a girlfriend.
Jade's picking the song!
We're gonna sing Give It Up.
These two girls were really mean to us.
Don't listen to everything you're daddy says.
No, not that mean, but still really mean.
I frown as the song comes to an end, but I smile as the memories keep going, and I welcome something that's been lost for so long.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
She's gone.
Get over it.
Life will go on.
I can do this.
Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.
I pull her pink comforter closer to my chin and sink further into her pillow.
I take a deep breath in, inhaling her sweet scent. It's starting to fade, but I cling to each every chance to be with her.
I spent the past hour going through my yearbook from senior year, looking at our pictures from performances, and reading the two page long message she wrote in the back,
Jadey!
Omg we made it!
We finally graduated!
Now we can finally get out and be famous like we always said we would.
And just like you always promised, we're gonna do it together.
I always knew we'd make it through, Jadey
We grew up together, went through high school, now we graduated and we're gonna be at each other's wedding and our kids are gonna be best friends and we'll be famous together and grow old still close, and then we'll be old ladies causing trouble at the nursing home!
We can live our whole lives together, Jade.
Just like we planned.
This summer is definitely gonna be the best! We can go to the beach and go shopping and have a hundred sleepovers!
I'm so happy you and Beck are still together, but remember, I love you the most!
Well I keep rambling on and on and on so I'm gonna say goodbye, but I love you!
I love you, Jadey! I always have and I always will!
Love you a bunch,
Rina
The tears fall fast as I read it again.
We had planned out our whole lives, every detail had us together.
That's the way it was supposed to be.
But now it's not, because she's gone.
And I'm left to try and accept it.
Except I can't.
And I never will.
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
Beck worries about me, I know he does.
And I feel bad, I do, but what am I supposed to do?
I miss her.
Andre is trying to watch over Tori, because she's a mess too.
Robbie hasn't touched Rex since it happened, and he's so quiet now.
Beck tries to hold us together, but he knows we're falling apart.
But I don't know if I'm crazy, or insane, or hallucinating, but I swear to god I can feel her.
I feel like she's standing next to me, or holding my hand, or giving me a hug.
I know it's her, I can feel it.
So no matter how hard I try to move on, to forget, I can't, because she's still there.
Beck doesn't matter anymore, neither does Tori or Andre or Robbie.
It's just me and Cat right now.
No one getting in the way.
Except she's not really there, so technically, I'm all alone.
And that kills me.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
"I don't want them to take him, Jade." She sobbed into my shoulder. She was staying the night at my house because her brother had to be rushed to the hospital after a so called suicide attempt.
He jumped off a cliff.
But he's not suicidal, he's just stupid.
But good luck convincing the doctors that.
"Shhh, Cat," I whispered, stroking her hair. "Everything's going to be fine, okay? Once he talks to the doctors they'll realize he's okay."
"But what if they take him and lock him up?" she looked at me with tear filled eyes, and my heart broke because I knew there was a pretty good chance he wasn't coming back. "The doctors kept saying by law they had to."
"Don't worry about what's gonna happen in the future, Cat. No one knows what's going to happen, take it one minute at a time." I soothed.
"But I'm scared, Jadey." She whimpered, sticking her face in my hair.
"I know, Cat." I whispered, "So am I," I added quieter, hoping she didn't hear.
What to wouldn't give to take her pain away.
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
It's like seven thirty in the morning and I'm in my bathroom upstairs putting on mascara when I hear my front door slam.
Here we go.
"Jade!" she shrieks, running up the stairs.
"Yes, Cat?" I close my mascara and flip my hair a couple times, fixing it, making sure all the streaks are showing,
"You will not believe what happened yesterday!" she shrieked.
"What happened?" I asked, faking enthusiasm.
"Robbie was texting Jessica!"
"Jessica who?" I asked, giving a confused look.
"Jessica Anderson." She said, "She's was in our musical theater class…" she continued after my expression didn't change.
"Never heard of her." I shrugged, putting my makeup back in the bag.
"Well they were texting for like an hour, like seriously? I'm so mad right now." She shook her head, and sat on the bathroom counter, pulling a nail filer out of my makeup bag and hurriedly filing her nails.
"See? Now you always laugh at me when I get jealous, and now you're doing the same thing I do." I said amused, a smile was slowly forming at the corners of my mouth. Cat never got jealous over anything, this was definitely entertaining.
"I'm not jealous; I just wish he didn't pay so much attention to other girls." She complained, as she started filing the other hand.
"That's jealousy, Cat." I laughed. I grabbed my bag and started walking outside and down the stairs.
I grabbed my car keys and opened the front door for her, "C'mon, I'll give you a ride to school."
"Jade!" she whined behind me, "What am I gonna do?"
"Well," I started, getting in the front seat of my car, "you could do what I do, and kick her ass."
"Jadey! I can't resort to violence!" she said, shaking her head in disbelief as I backed out of the driveway. "Yeah, I'm mad, but that doesn't mean I wanna hurt her."
"Well what do you want me to say, Cat? That's how I would fix it and you don't want my advice, so what do you want me to tell you?"
"I don't know, Jade, I don't know. But I do know I don't like this feeling." She put her feet on the seat and hugged her knees to her chest. She sighed and put her head on her knees, the sight made my heart break.
"Things will work out, Cat. It only hurts temporarily," I reassured, having plenty of experience in this department.
"But it still hurts," she whimpered and I saw tears forming.
"I know, babe. But I love you, and we have each other, okay?" I ask, hoping she cheers up.
"Okay," she smiles.
I smile back before looking back at the road, knowing I'm going to kick Robbie's ass.
And I held your hand through all of these years
"I'm scared, Jade." She cried, tears leaking through her mascara covered lashes.
We're sitting against the bathtub in my bathroom and tile is cold against our backs. Her hand is squeezing mine and he head is on my shoulder.
"I know, Cat. But I promise you, no matter what happens, everything will be okay." I placed my hand on her cheek and raised her head so she could look me in the eyes, "Alright? I promise you, no matter what the test says, I will forever love you and be here when you need me."
"I love you, Jade." But smiled through the tears, but it quickly disappeared. "But what if it's positive?"
"Then we take the world day by day and see what it puts us. Don't worry Cat, things will work out." In all honesty, I was scared as hell. I had always known we'd be in this position at some point, but I always imagined our roles being reversed.
She only nodded before putting her head back on my shoulder. I squeezed her hand and felt her silent tears slowly leak down my arm.
After a few minutes she looked up at me, "What time is it?" she asked scared.
"Time to check." I said. "You want me to do it, or do you want to do it?"
"You do, Jade, I can't." she hugged her knees to her chest as I stood up and walked towards the bathroom counter.
I picked it up and a smile spread across my face, a not so silent sigh of relief coming from my mouth. "It's negative," I whisper and her face lights up.
I drop the pregnancy test in the garbage before going over to hug my sister and wipe away her tears of relief.
But you still have all of me
I get up and run from the church, ignoring Beck's whispered protests and sprint my way down the street.
I kick the heels off and leave them somewhere on the street, not looking back.
I couldn't do it. It was too real for me. Seeing her lying in a coffin.
I can't.
I just can't.
I sprint as fast as I can, ignoring the cramp in my side, and my extreme lack of oxygen and it feels so good to burn off all the emotions built up in my body.
I don't stop until I reach her house; I kick the door open and run upstairs to her room, locking the door shut.
I through myself under her covers, trying to muffle the huge sobs coming from my body.
Cat, sweetheart, I miss you so fucking much.
I'd kill to have you back.
I miss you, Cat.
I need her.
She wasn't just my best friend, though she fit that role perfectly.
But she was the reason I lived for so long.
We clung to each other for support, love, understanding, and now I have no one to go to.
People say I still have Beck, but honestly, I don't.
He'll never get me like Cat did.
No one will ever get me like Cat did.
My whole life was about her.
But now she's gone.
And my world still revolves around her.
Rina, baby, I miss you.
All of me
I know I'm stalling.
I spent more time with Beck than I said I was going to.
Kissed him longer, said I love you more times than I ever have, took an hour to say goodbye.
I took a two hour shower, shampooing and conditioning my hair three times, shaving my already smooth legs twice.
I dried every hair evenly, curling it gently. I applied my makeup perfectly, just the way she likes it.
It's been three months and I still think she's here.
I put on the only pink article of clothing I have because I know it's her favorite color. I throw the empty bottle into the trash can before lying down in her bed.
I get comfortable, I have the promise ring from Beck on my finger, and the friendship necklace from Cat around my neck.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes for the last time.
All of Me
I wake up in a field.
The grass is tall and it pokes at my neck and sticks in my hair.
I'm dizzy and my vision is slightly hazed.
I sit up, clutching my head. I look around. They're bright colors everywhere.
Wild flowers are sprinkled in the grass, the clear blue sky is cloudless and the warm, strong sun shines down on my face.
I look to my right and realize there is someone lying next to me.
Cat smiles up at me, her hand shielding her eyes from the sun, her face full of color and her cheeks a rosy red.
"Where are we?" I asked confused.
"Home," she whispers, a big smile on her face. She sits up and pulls me in for a hug.
I smile into her hair.
All of me
Towards the back of a cemetery lies a curved headstone, one that stands out from the others.
Flowers surround it, all various colors, and a small stuffed giraffe, placed lovingly by a lonesome ventriloquist.
The headstone reads,
Catarina Elizabeth Valentine
Beloved friend, sister and girlfriend
February 27, 1992 – July 16, 2011
Right next to it is a very sharp headstone, the sides are jagged and the stone is darker.
On it are flowers, all white, and scissors, all black, placed lovingly by a tan boy with gorgeous, dark hair.
The headstone reads,
Jadelyn August West
Beloved friend, sister, and girlfriend
December 6, 1991 – October 16, 2011
They're right next to each other, Beck and Robbie had to pay an extra five hundred dollars for them to do that, but they do anyway.
They know that's how the girls would have wanted it.
The four of them visit every Saturday morning, reminiscing and sharing memories and usually crying.
They're dearly missed and the four would give anything to see them one more time.
It's exactly one month after the day Jade died that Robbie digs up some dirt and places the promise ring he was going to give Cat in the dirt, as Beck does the same with the engagement ring he purchased after graduation.
Tori sits in Andre's lap and cries over the loss of her two best friends.
It's been two years and they still come every Saturday. It's something that will never change.
Just like their love for the girls will never change.
And just like whether on Earth or in heaven, Jade and Cat's sisterhood will be never ending.
A/N:
I don't' know about you, but I know it made me cry so many times, so I'm sorry if you did too.
It does start slow, I apologize.
In case you're confused about the timeline… Cat dies a year after they graduate.
I tried to add a little bade in there, because I am a 100% bade shipper and even when writing about my favorite friendship I gotta add some.
In case it was confusing, in between each song lyric I put a flashback, a scene from the present or something that related to the words. Sorry if it confused anyone.
And about the Notebook reference, I'm sorry I usually don't do references like that but if you haven't seen the Notebook than I don't know what's wrong with you because it's like the greatest movie ever.
The song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence. It really is a beautiful song.
I listen to it all the time because something just like what happened with Cat and Jade in this story happened to me and my best friend of thirteen years.
So Lindsey, I love you, I miss you and if for some reason you ever read this, you are the inspiration for this story.
Tell me what you think.
Please review!
-LoveLikeYou'reNotBroken