Disclaimer: I own Naruto about as much as you do.
Chapter one:
It was just a few days after the Kyuubi had been sealed, and Naruto was being protected under the watchful eye of Sarutobi Hiruzen, the newly reinstated leader of the village hidden in the leaves. Jiraiya had just returned from meeting with his informants located in Iwagakure, as they had recently uncovered interesting documents detailing the hiring of a mercenary group. Jiraiya and Hiruzen were discussing the fate of the newborn Uzumaki.
"Sensei, trust me, I can take care of Minato's kid better than this village can. You've heard of how other villages treat their jinchuriki, imagine what the citizens would do to the Kyuubi jinchuriki." Sarutobi, with an mild deadpan, responded, "Jiraiya, I don't know if you are responsible enough to take care of a child. Your impulsive nature and constant 'research' might just put the child in danger." The toad sage was indignant. "Do you honestly think I'm going to keep doing that after what happened to Minato? The only reason I got here as late as I did was that I got too sidetracked with peeping and brothels to remember my own godson's birth. That isn't happening again. I am going to become a new man Sensei; I swear by my Icha Icha novels that I will only indulge in the fairer sex twice a week!" With a dry smirk, Sarutobi decided to add a little extra: "Jiraiya, no more alcohol either then. I am not letting Naruto grow up around a drunkard." After a pause, the pervert conceded, "All right, all right, no more alcohol either. You won't be able to get me to give up the ladies though. I need those fine, voluptuous bodies to get me through the nights."
With a mildly disgusted but still satisfied look, The Professor stated some more terms: "Ugh, fine, you've made your point. Any time you swear by your books you don't lie. I'm still not sure why you don't swear to Kami or something more appropriate, but you can take Naruto. I want him to visit the academy for three weeks of classes every four months. Naruto needs to become familiar with his age group if he is going to become a successful shinobi among our ranks. He is also going to become part of a genin team, and take the academy's genin exam. I realize that you will be a considerably better assessor of Naruto's skills, but the other children should feel that Naruto goes through similar trials to what they experience. I will ensure to the best of my abilities that the other children will not alienate Naruto, but this will help. You are free to take him out of the village when he is four years old. We do not want a newborn to hamper your travels after all." With a nod, Jiraiya added on, "Seems fair enough. I'll check up on the brat whenever I'm back in Konoha, maybe show him something cool. He won't just up and leave with somebody he's never met after all." With business resolved, the two said their farewells, "Jiraiya, you are dismissed." "See you next time I dig up some good dirt." Jiraiya then exited through the office window, he never really liked doors much in the first place anyway. They block out the entrances to changing rooms after all…
At the village orphanage, two years later:
Jiraiya was back from one of his monthly spy check ups and strolling through Konoha. He was pretty excited since this was the first time he was allowed to visit Naruto, the kid finally turned two. Six left turns down memory lane later and Jiraiya arrived at the village orphanage, the place that he grew up. "Hopefully the old head matron retired, I don't want Naru-GURK!"
"JIRAIYA-KUN!" Jiraiya's fears were confirmed, the head matron, Nami (who was now in her late '80's, she was around 35 when Jiraiya was a kid) still ran the place, and she was just as prone to causing asphyxiation through hugs as she was fifty years ago... "Oh my sweet baby, it's been so long, why haven't you paid me a visit in years, I've missed you so much, you've become such a big, strong boy since you left after getting that shiny new headband, c'mere I want to give you a hug." The large man barely managed to choke out: "Can't. Breathe. Stop. Choking. Me." Of course, at 80 years old the affectionate woman was hard of hearing... "What was that Jiraiya-kun, You can't breathe without me? Why how sweet of you, you must have become such a flatterer over the years."
(About five minutes of struggling later)
"Pant, pant. Whew, I can breathe again. Is it just me or has your death grip gotten stronger Nami-bachan?" With an indignant huff, Nami responded, "Jiraiya-kun, I had to make up for all the time it's been since the last time you stopped by to say hello. It must have been ten years by now - Bachan, it's only been two months - Preposterous! My memory never fails me and I say the last time you were here was six weeks ago." With some mild annoyance, Jiraiya thought to himself: "Maybe the old coot has finally gone senile… If she's still around Naruto is probably in good hands though." Jiraiya decided to get to the main purpose of his visit. "Nami-Bachan, could you go get Naruto? Sensei asked me to look after him whenever I'm in the village." "Sure sweetie, I'll be right back out."
A few minutes later, Nami emerged with an apprehensive looking blonde. "Befow you stawt yellin' at me, I didn' burn down youw village or kill yowr wife or anything like that ok?" After that disheartening introduction, Jiraiya responded with a blank expression, "... I came here to take you out for Ramen." Naruto's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates bowls. "Wait really? You have to be lying, no one ever wants to do anything like that except for jiji." With a friendly laugh, the Sannin explained: "Your 'jiji' was my sensei kiddo, he asked me to come and say hi, maybe even show you a cool jutsu or two." Naruto is very excitable. "Wow really! No way, this is gonna be the best, let's gooooooooooooooo!"
Naruto immediately started running as fast as he could, with no clue where any ramen stands actually were. Naruto just kept running excitedly, and somehow ended up running straight into a strip club. It was on that day that Naruto learned what boobs looked like, he just stood there mesmerized in the back of the bar. The poor child was overloaded with stimuli, he had never seen such a sight before. When Jiraiya finally found him, it took all of his willpower to not simply stop and participate read as jack off with all the other patrons of the gentlemen's parlor. He pulled Naruto away from there, and answered pretty much every question that the kid asked him with "I'll tell you in around ten years." A long walk and a thousand questions later, Jiraiya and Naruto finally sat down at Ichiraku Ramen. While there they met the owner and his daughter. The Ichirakus were rather friendly and Jiraiya planned to come back during his next visit. Jiraiya also showed Naruto what the henge was while they were there. The pervert transformed into Sarutobi and with a perfect imitation of the man said: "I'm sexy and chubby; it's glam and it's fabulous." Needless to say, Naruto totally wanted to learn the henge after that. Oh the pranks he could pull…
Two years later:
Naruto was waiting patiently on the man he'd taken to calling ojisaan. He knew today was the day that he'd get to start traveling with Jiraiya, and Naruto was excited to leave. It's not that Naruto hated the orphanage or anything, Nami-bachan was especially nice, but most of the adults in the village gave him weirds looks. Also, since Naruto started reading (he nagged Nami so hard that she eventually caved and taught him), he realized that people were writing some nasty stuff on the side of the orphanage. Naruto couldn't wait to show Jiraiya that he finally perfected the henge after a whole two months of practice!
Jiraiya didn't spend the last month doing much spying, and cut down on his research quite a bit. He had to prep for picking up Naruto after all. Food, parenting seals (like a civilian toddler leash, but with CHAKRA), jutsu scrolls, water, and of course, getting wasted for the last time in the foreseeable future. We don't want Jiraiya to miss alcohol too much, do we now? Anyway, on the way to the orphanage Jiraiya was coming up with great stuff to do with the kid: "We could travel the elemental nations, kicking ass and taking names. The Toad Sage and the Tiny Tadpole, traversing the land and becoming one hell of a team. Batman and Robin can suck it, toads are the new cool." Jiraiya was so lost in thought that he wasn't watching where he was going too closely.
Fifty fully choreographed fight scenes and thirty damsels in distress later, Jiraiya finally reached… the orphanage? That's not right, little girls don't have DDD cups on full display like that… It took Jiraiya a second, but it finally hit him. In all his thoughts about gallantry and the resulting rewards from the ladies, he walked straight into the same strip club that Naruto ended up in two years ago! He didn't let himself get distracted and walked right back outside to figure out exactly how he got to the same damn club: "This is an oddly convenient location right in the middle of the village… it's right next to the designated foreign dignitary residences too…" finally realizing exactly what this strip club is for, he took out his notepad and wrote down an idea for a new book on the way to the orphanage: "Foreign dignitary, I'll call him Haruto, seduces part-time stripper, who I'll call Ichika, while he's away from home. The other strippers find out and get jealous, since Haruto is an awesome dude, and somehow the ladies end up having a blowjob contest to find out who gets to keep him company…"
Now that Jiraiya's thoughts were fully focused on women, he was paying even less attention than before. So when he tripped and dropped his notebook, he was pretty surprised when a bundle of blonde picked it up. It only took Jiraiya a couple seconds to realize that the bundle was Naruto, and Jiraiya snatched away the notebook immediately. Those couple of seconds were a bit too much time though… "Ojisan, what's a blowjob?" Jiraiya was internally panicking, it hadn't even been five minutes of their trip yet! "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what do I saaaaaay?" "It's something I'll tell you when you're older." With puppy dog eyes that eventually turned to a look of realization, Naruto asked: "No faaaaaaair… wait… is it a bad word?" Jiraiya started sweating a little. Naruto took the silence as a yes, and a mischievous smirk overtook his face. The kid took off like the yellow flash, and Jiraiya was hard pressed to chase after him in a crowded street without injuring civilians. Once Naruto reached the central market plaza, he henged into Jiraiya and started yelling like the market vendors: "Blowjobs, get your Blowjobs here! Buy two get one free! BLOOOOOOWJOOOOOOOBS!" When Jiraiya heard that yell, he was mortified. A couple people in the crowd actually started drifting towards the fake Jiraiya, eager to take up the offer. The real toad sage finally caught up to Naruto and forcibly dispelled his henge. Jiraiya then ground out through clenched teeth, "That's quite enough, brat." Jiraiya then hauled Naruto off over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, went back to the orphanage, and got Naruto's stuff. By the time the pair left konoha, half the village thought that Jiraiya was gay…
It was a beautiful spring day in the town of Tanzaku Gai. Naruto was five - and a half, damnit narrator! Ok, ok, five and a half, and his repertoire of both pranking techniques and bad words had grown quite a bit. He also could do the kawarimi now. Jiraiya's new novel, A Dignitary in Paradise, was quite successful. In fact, he was in this town to make a deal regarding said book. As the two strolled through Tanzaku Gai looking for a comfortable inn to spend the next few nights, two things happened one after the other. First Jiraiya found and struck up a conversation with the company representative he was here to meet. Then, Naruto spotted a pig. And of course, being the curious and hyperactive kid he was, Naruto immediately started following the pig, because the pig was adorable. And Jiraiya, being the ambitious novelist he was, was too engrossed in his conversation to notice. It also never crossed Jiraiya's mind that Tanzaku Gai was a frequent spot for Tsunade to gamble...
Naruto followed the pig back to a seedy tavern called "The Lucky Dice." There were about ten people seated around a round table, all holding cards. Each person had a stack of colored coins, with each stack varying in size and coloration. To somebody a bit older than Naruto, it would have been pretty obvious that the group was playing poker. One of the people was a buxom blonde with twin pigtails, and she had a nervous looking young woman behind her. Jiraiya had shared some stories about his old teammate with Naruto. Jiraiya, of course, neglected to tell Naruto about her short temper and violent tendencies. All Naruto had to go off of was that Tsunade was a medic who saved lots of people, and to Naruto that meant she had to be really nice since she saved so many people. And of course, a lady like that deserves a compliment, and Naruto thought that Jiraiya was really good at giving our compliments. And since Jiraiya is uncle, then of course his teammate would be auntie. This was the five (and a half) year old's thought process when he told Tsunade: "Obasan, you have a nice rack." After the initial couple seconds required to process what was going on, the entire table of players started cracking up. Tsunade, naturally, was completely furious, "Kid, who the do you think you are trying to say stuff like that to me?" Naruto, youthfully oblivious to his error, responded, "It was a compliment obasan." At this point, even Shizune joined in the laughter. Tsunade ground out, "Why do you even keep calling me basan anyway, I'm not old." Naruto responded as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Well, Jiraiya is ojisan, and old man hokage is jiji, so Jiraiya's teammate is going to be obasan." At that point, it all clicked for her. She recognized that blond spiky hair and those sky blue eyes. Jiraiya was taking care of, and corrupting, Minato's child. Jiraiya was corrupting Minato's child. All of Tsunade's righteous female fury was brought to the forefront of her thoughts, and she immediately charged out of the bar. Approximately ten minutes later, there was a very loud crash heard throughout Tanzaku Gai, followed by a lot of screaming. Jiraiya wasn't able to orgasm properly for months.
In the morning, after Jiraiya had awoken from his pain induced unconsciousness, Tsunade loudly declared to the male duo that she would join their travels as a holy crusade to keep an adorable child out of the clutches of darkness and porn. When Naruto asked what porn was, Shizune couldn't suppress a chuckle.
A/N The chapters are just spilling out of me one after another. If you like what you see, review. if you hate what you see, REVIEW (with constructive criticism of course).
Chapter 5
Tsunade knew her mission was just. Tsunade knew her ambitions were good. Now why did this damn kid have to be so hard to take care of! The seven year old had been driving her nuts for over a year and a half already. Every time he would learn anything new regarding the ninja arts, he would incorporate it into his rapidly growing arsenal of pranking tools. When he learned the bunshin, he would confuse passerby by having an army of himself stampede directly through market booths. And when naruto figured out he could henge his clones… Tsunade had no clue where Naruto learned what naked women looked like, but she was blaming Jiraiya for all of it. Every new town they would go to, Naruto would set loose an army of naked female holograms during the busiest hours of the day. Somehow though, the kawarimi had been Tsunade's biggest headache during her time with the knucklehead. Naruto figured out how to swap places with multiple objects as long as they were touching each other… making it very easy to move around entire market stalls onto rooftops.
The maniacal miniature would make for a great ninja one day with all that creativity and boundless chakra, but for now he was the bane of everyone's existence. Except Jiraiya. Jiraiya found the kid hilarious, and managed to kickstart a new series of novels called "Spunky Suichi," which made big waves in comedic literature. The series followed a rambunctious kid named Suichi on his pranking adventures as the son of a traveling merchant. It's not hard to imagine where the inspiration came from. The fact that the pair of spiky haired hooligans meshed so well was even more aggravating for Tsunade: how can she keep Naruto under control when Jiraiya is practically encouraging blonde-bourne mayhem and destruction! Tsunade could at least take pride in that she has been a positive influence on Naruto. She cleaned up his potty mouth (for the most part) and taught him some proper manners. She'd also been a big help in teaching Naruto proper chakra control, which was the main reason the kid could even make a bunshin. If it had just been Jiraiya, Naruto would never have learned how.
There was one more issue that puzzled Tsunade to no end. Shizune's exposure to Jiraiya had produced some… interesting results. As time passed, it seemed that the demure girl became more and more comfortable with her sexuality… and that led to a lot of phallic medical supplies mysteriously disappearing for hours at a time. Shizune would also go out a lot more, presumably to get laid. Sometimes, she'd get so drunk that she'd bring her "friend" back to the hotel with her. Apparently, Shizune was a closet pervert this whole time and Tsunade never noticed... The next few years are going to be interesting, that's for sure. Tsunade shuddered when she realized that Naruto had yet to hit puberty.