When I Grow Up
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. If I did, Jacob would not have ended up with the spawn and be happily in love with Leah.
Did you know that all I've ever wanted was to be perfect? My whole life, I dreamed of being the most beautiful, the richest, the most popular, and the most envied. Some would say it's a pipe dream, something that could not and would not come true. I had always been a stubborn one.
Since the day I was born, I knew that my sole goal was to be perfect. Every boy would want me to be theirs; girls would want to be me. I would be famous and admired and I knew that I would finally be happy.
My home wasn't exactly the best atmosphere to grow up in.
My parents fed my insecurities. They nurtured them, practically loved and cared for them, quite the opposite of how they felt for me. I could tell that they only preferred me because of my beauty, something they saw as a way to get ahead in their pathetic attempt to social climb.
However, that sounds hypocritical of me, doesn't it? I was as pathetic as they were back then. I learned though. Royce King the Second and his obnoxious friends taught me that.
They taught me that fairytales are simply that, tales. Myths that are meant to give little children hopes and dreams to cling to until reality rips it away from them. There are no white horses and valiant princes; just cruel men who are trying to get what they want, even if those desires contradict with yours.
I didn't learn that for a while, though. When Royce first paid attention to me, I felt loved. I felt important and desired. In 1933, that was the only worthy thing to be. Oh, maybe in another time, another place, I could have had simpler desires. I could have been happy like Vera.
Maybe I could have had a little boy with curly black hair and dimples. Maybe I could have had a husband who cared for me, even if I wasn't perfect. All these maybes, all these things that never came true.
I wish someone could have told me the saying, "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."
I had gotten what my vapid and shallow self had wanted: to be beautiful and loved by all. What had that really gotten me? My innocence taken from me, my body left bleeding in the streets, and my ability to finally rest in peace snatched.
Don't get me wrong, being a vampire isn't that terrible. It has some rewards. I finally satisfied my superficial desire to be the most beautiful creature on the planet. I never forget those insecurities, though. My parents imprinted them in me too deep. I still feel inadequate at times.
I still feel stupid; I still feel weak; I still feel as though I have to prove something to the world; I still feel ugly; I still feel damaged; I still feel unloved. I think that's another reason why I love Emmett so much.
When I'm with him, I don't feel mediocre. I feel like I should have if I had looked normal, like Vera. I feel happy that I was able to marry someone who loves me, not the mindless pretty girl in town my parents made me out to be. He seems to need me as much as I need him. He is everything I would have wanted as a human if I knew what would make me happy. The time period and my parent's expectations influenced me too much for me to know that Royce was not my prince. Someone like Emmett was.
Even if I cannot have children, one of the monumental drawbacks of being a vampire, I still have my own version of a child: Emmett. His child-like attitude and love of life always make me feel like I didn't miss much. His dark curly hair and innocent dimples reminded me of little Henry when I first found him in the woods. Now I won't ever forget.
It is true that you should be careful of what you wish for. But sometimes it all ends well.
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." -Anonymous