Charlie's POV

I put on my grey tux, and went downstairs to get a glass of water. I thought to myself, " I'm gonna need a lot more of this to drain off the shame". I'm a cop, I work on the force, I'm disgraced.

I put on my "excited" face and drove myself to the cullens' place, I saw Alice through the window and the back of my beautiful daughter, Bella Swan, well not for much longer. Bella Cullen. My blood boils, but my friend was in my right pocket so…

OME, Bella's dress made my feminine side tingle with jealousy. I sat beside this guy, for the whole ceremony. He was a scrawny guy, with blonde spiky hair and he wore a suit that looked like he might grow into it in 10 years time. He went by the name of Mike. When he scratched his leg, I saw his socks held up with ducktape. I just thought to myself throughout the whole episode, "why me"?

Edward was standing by the alter, but I could see Jacob in the distance, LOL, I was hoping this would make up for the eastenders episode I was missing while I sat here with my gun drilling into my hip. I was so gonna put this on my blog when I got home.

Renee was an image that made me want to throw up my tuna casserole I had earlier that day.

Then Carlisle and Esme had the pleasure of walking in and everyone clapped. It was all getting family like. "Great" I blurted out not knowing. LOL, I got a few looks, but I had my gun so I just said "bang" and they waddled off.

Bella walked down the isle on Alice's arm. I thought, maybe, that they had a last minuet change of groom, nut NO. The whole 10 seconds I was wishing I was at home youtubing yodelling, but I was one step ahead. Because earlier that day I bought it off itunes, so I put on my headphones and enjoyed a heartwarming dose of Tiffany Jo-Allen.

I chose a right second to look up to the service, Edward looked like he was eating Bella, but apparently it was only a "peck". I stood up and said " Object", but he, the vicar, said " It's a bit too late for that sir".

"Fool" I shouted.

" I asked about an hour ago mate"

I sat down with a frown on my face, the only thing that could have made this better was if there was a wild bull on the loose, and it trampled the vicar to death.

"Glory days" I thought to myself.

By this time Mike had already let something off, I was sure it had come from his behind, but he said the ducktape snapped.

I whacked him round the head, there was only so much "geek" I could take and to be honest I'd had my lifetime fill, sitting next to him for two hours.

A phone started to ring, I was slightly offended that they had failed to turn off their phone, until I realised it was mine. It was Billy he had ran over a juicy porker with his wheelchair. I shouted "Great heat that up, I'll be over in a min, just let me get outa the Adam's family reunion"

By this time Bella was giving me the look "the look", so I didn't leave, but I txted Billy to tell him the bad news, that I couldn't come over. I sat there next to Michael, he was hardly acting better than I, he was looking after his tamagotchi.

I whacked his again, the idiot, but then I realised that the service was over and he was waiting for his Mommy.

I put on my straight jacket and headed for the car, I was going to the cullens' house to apologise (as if). When I got there, I purposely didn't take off my shoes, just to annoy them.

The house stank of antiseptic cream, but I think Emmett had nappy rash. I'm stomping around getting doggy doo doo everywhere. LOL. I stepped it in on purpose, before I came in. Jasper was playing his guitar, so I went up to him and asked to borrow it, "just for a tick" I told him. And he passed I over, then I got my scissors and cut through all the strings, and through them into the fire. Then I picked up the ash from the deteriorated guitar, and also the family cereal, they had wheetos.

I leeked the petrol out of my car then cut down the tree, with the chainsaw they stupidly left out, then I threw my cigarette onto the pile and ran. The fire burnt Emmett's jeep and Edward's Volvo.

They didn't use them anyway. I walked back to the cullens' house like an innocent 10 year old. Alice came up to me so I cut off her hair and force fed Jasper it. Of course I left a bit for Edward. It wouldn't have been right if I didn't.

OK, I love Charlie really and this is not meant to be taken too seriously! Please review!