Ten years in the aftermath, there were still a lot of questions. Though the mystery had been solved and everything had settled quietly since then, some people couldn't help but feel the pain of loss. Even when they knew everything had been set right, as it was supposed to, some just couldn't let go. These things were always kept quiet, however. Destiny was usually never wrong. They played it out very well, after all. The friendships they'd made because of it. But the one person sent away because of it...
Ishizu awoke in a cold sweat for the fifth time that week. Jolting out of bed and sending the covers flying, her hands covered her heart immediately. Her breathing was nothing short of tattered panting, skin prickled with goosebumps, perspiration sliding down the sides of her face. What she was feeling was not loss.
It was guilt.
Her teeth set straight, clenching tightly as she realized this finally. Her head turned away impetuously, as if throwing a tantrum for some higher being that was punishing her. She knew full well that could have been the case. Yet the moment she'd made that decision she knew she didn't care. She just had to believe that she really didn't care. Standing from her bed, her shaking hands flattened the wrinkles in her sleeping gown. Slowly she approached the window, pushing the shutters open.
The cold desert night air greeted her skin. It helped only a little in clearing her mind. Her arms folded on the sill of the window, leaning in lightly. A deep breath was taken and already she felt better. Egypt would always be her home. Its lands were vast and beautiful; truly a place she could call home. The sky was always shifting and changing, something she'd never really get used to. It was one of the things other people took for granted, but not her.
She felt herself drifting even then, the calm of Egypt's serenity lulling her into a much deserved rest. Just as quick as that feeling came, however, it was shattered. A rather rough and freezing wind pushed in through the window and filled the room. It caused her to sit up and stiffen, fixing her hair where it was mussed out of place. The papers on her desk ruffled around before being shoved to the floor in a mess. A sigh left her lungs before she shut the window for now and moved to go clean up the spill.
Crouching on the floor, her hands moved over the pieces of paper that had fallen from the corner of her desk. Most of them came from the same person. They'd all been carelessly pushed to that corner of the desk because she had become tired of looking at them. They all started the same, too-
Dear Ishizu-san,
I haven't heard from you in a long time. We all really miss you here. We think about you a lot.
She discontinued reading with a forced scoff. She wanted to be mad with them. She needed to find a reason so badly, but she had none. She'd known that for a long while now. Mutou Yuugi and his friends... Yes, she wanted to be there sometimes. Even when she had to oversee the museum's events and new exhibits, she always made her trips in secret. She didn't want to risk that they'd stop by and see her. It had been going on this way for a long time now. It was a habit she couldn't break, that she wouldn't break.
The papers crumpled underneath her accidental grip. She only released them back into a heap on her desk to be looked at later. She had to wonder why she just didn't throw them out at this point. She was never going to answer. Why bother being reminded of their existence?
Her hand came down on top of them, feeling threatened now for a reason she couldn't quite explain. Yes. She would throw them out and be done with remembering everyone in that sorry city. All the adventures she'd had- Adventures. If one could call them that. She certainly didn't. She liked to favor them as nightmares. And that was the reason she didn't want to see those people anymore. They didn't know how she felt. Maybe if they did, maybe if Yuugi did, he'd stop sending letters.
She knew that wasn't true, either. If she told someone like Yuugi about how she was feeling he'd try to help her. Of that she was certain. But maybe if she told him the truth...
There was a light touch to her shoulder that had her turning abruptly. Her eyes scanned every dark corner of her room in search of something she knew wasn't there. There was a tightening in her chest, she suddenly found it very hard to breathe. Her hand went over her heart again.
That man was dead and he was never coming back. She knew that. She had to believe it. She'd seen him walk through those doors.
She'd made him believe it was the only choice left to him.
An unusual empty smirk touched her lips.
"Why did you do it?" His voice came to her ears and she turned her head away in defiance. Had she really lost her mind now? He was dead. Surely he couldn't be talking to her. Her eyes closed as her hand clenched on the desk. She refused to dignify this with a response. No one knew. That man wouldn't either. How could he? "I thought we were friends." He continued.
"A servant is not a friend." Her voice was small but sure. Who she was talking to she didn't want to think about. The why was even less appealing. But maybe this was her conscience finally trying to help itself. Maybe if she had this conversation, maybe then she would stop having all this terror and guilt locked up inside of her.
Living with a murder wasn't easy.
"We were friends. I never asked for you to serve me. I never wanted it."
"Yes you did." She hissed. "Your Court was the one who forced our people underground. Who forced us into servitude for you." Her anger was rising and she found it hard to keep her voice down. Her eyes remained closed still, hand over her heart to protect it from the likes of him. She would not be judged. Not for this. Not for any of it.
A pause filled the room and Ishizu was sure then that she'd won. But that couldn't be possible. Not with him. "Everything that happened needed to happen. Would you really risk evil pouring back into this world? You said so yourself-"
"I acted as blind as I wished to be!" Her demeanor was falling to pieces under this scrutiny. "Yes." She admitted. "Destiny played a fair hand. But it was still all your fault." She sounded young and childish saying that. She barely even noticed anymore. "We were forced underground, forced to live in this clan, to mate with each other, to produce offspring with each other over and over. My father being unbalanced was your fault. Malik losing his mind was your fault. The beatings, the secrecy, the descent into madness, him nearly losing his life- it was all your fault." She'd grown cold as she went on. Her hand clenched tightly by her side. She could feel how hard her heart was beating underneath her other.
"I thought I'd apologized for everything. I never meant... I never meant to cause you and your family, your people, harm. I didn't want things to end up this way." His tone was still calm, still thoughtful, and regretful.
It wasn't something she wanted to hear from him. "It doesn't matter what you meant or meant not to do. Everything still happened. And it is still and always will be your fault." She tried to right herself back into dutiful calmness. To combat his own with hers, as if it would make her better and right in this.
"I didn't know you held a grudge. You seemed so levelheaded. You weren't like your brother, I thought. You understood-"
"I understood everything but that does not make it right!" So quickly he'd struck at her defense and cast it aside. She was back to shaking already.
Finally she chanced opening her eyes. That man was there- not in reality, but in a particularly see-through spirit form. She imagined this is what Yuugi had to deal with while they were connected. She wanted no part of it now. She didn't want to be staring into his eyes, she didn't want to see his face or that ridiculous hair. She didn't want to see what could have been a new body and a brand new start, faded as ghostly as he deserved to be. He was standing there with his hands in his pockets, just staring at her.
Accusingly.
"Why did you do it?"
"You are not real. I will not entertain this nightmare any longer."
"If that were true you'd be able to sleep well at night. You'd be able to talk to them. You'd be able to leave your house more than a few times a month. But your own guilt consumes you." He'd struck a blow she wasn't sure how to deal with at that moment. How could he have known all of that? Was he reading her heart even with her protection of it?
She shuddered. "How dare you..."
"How dare I?" He sneered, stepping forward.
It caused her to step back immediately. "Just leave me alone. You're dead now. Be at peace like you said you were, like-"
"Like you led me to believe?" He glared at her. She turned her head away when his turned up in victory. He'd cornered her now and both knew it. His lips parted and he posed that question to her again. "Why did you do it?"
Both hands lowered to her sides now. They clenched immediately as she looked at him. "Why did I do what? Send you to your death? Tell you that was all that was left for you?" It had been anything but the truth. He had had a new body. But the entire time, ever since they'd first met, she'd played her pieces calmly. She'd aided them and helped them when they needed it, all the meanwhile dropping supposed clues about the man's final resting place.
He hadn't needed to go.
"Why did I kill you?" She asked, waiting to see if he would light up or look like he'd really won. He didn't. He just looked ... so disappointed. And it was killing her. She advanced then, reaching out to push him but her hand went right through. She acted like it didn't faze her at all.
"I hate you!" She finally let go of it all. "Everything you did, everything you had done, and everything you could have had I told you the truth- I wanted none of it! I don't want you! I'm not sorry for what I did!" Her knees trembled as tears streamed down her face. Finally she sank to the floor, feeling weak now that all of that had finally been released.
The man known as the other Yuugi lowered to her side. "He will forgive you if you tell him." Yuugi, he was speaking of. The loss had hurt all of his friends deeply, but out of everyone, if Ishizu went to clear her aching conscience with him, he would forgive her. Not right away, but in time. And he could tell that she needed it, whether she wanted to believe it or not.
"I don't want his forgiveness."
"Yes you do. It's why you've been avoiding him. All the what-ifs." He said with a sigh. How long was she going to try and play this game?
Her shoulders shook. Why was she so easy to read? She shouldn't have left herself so open. "And if I do this... will you leave me alone finally? Will all of this end?" She had to know. She had to know that she'd at least get something out of all of this. Finally. Something she needed.
Peace.
"Yes." The answer was not hesitated on or thought about, but it was as sincere as any purest truth he could have said.
Ishizu finally felt a wash of relief. This was all going to end. She could finally live that normal life she'd been after since she'd been able to think for herself. It was all going to come to her.
"But I will not forgive you for what you have done."
That sentence alone, uttered so coldly, caused her to still. That man had given her peace after so many years of agony, and then just as quick he'd taken it away from her with one harsh blow. Wide blue eyes turned to look at him but he'd already disappeared. He was gone now, after all of that. Ishizu knew he'd never return. He'd uphold his promise- and why shouldn't he? Now that he didn't have to stay around and haunt her, now that he'd set that realization deep in her heart, what reason would he have to stay?
Slowly she stood, her hands bracing her desk. That calm act was easily recalled even when she had no one to perform for any longer. Her head lowered, black hair falling over her shoulders.
"I hate you." She murmured, a few tears splashing onto the backs of her hands. "I will never ... be sorry.." But that was no longer true, was it? Her nails scraped into the wood. "I hate you." She reiterated to herself, since no one else was there to hear it anymore. No one would be. And it was all her fault.