Disclaimer: I do not own Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, nor anything related to it.
A/N: Well, this is my first Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fanfiction. If you read the description, you know that it's about Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, and what happens when he learns of the Earth's destruction. Don't expect a masterpiece, or particularly long chapters, for that matter, but do expect people/aliens/whatevers to be in character, and please tell me if you find them to not be. I'll shut up now.
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Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged woke from a deep sleep aboard his ship, the very same ship that he had built so long ago to insult the universe with.
"Computer," he said, "Why did you wake me up so early?"
As the computer slowly whirred to life (Wowbagger had foolishly installed Windows on it, and was regretting that decision very much), Wowbagger attempted to make a decision on how to insult the next creature on his list: Ar Thurph Ili-Pdept, a most peculiar spider-like creature from the planet Viltvodle V.
"Mindless prat? No, I've used that one seven hundred million times already. Half-witted moronic kneebiter? Let's see… I've only used that insult two million times. Yes, that will do," he said to himself.
Finally the ship's computer started working. "Well?" asked Wowbagger, "Why did you wake me up so far from the next destination?"
"Master, I believe there is a piece of news that might be of some interest to you," it said in a horrid, monotone, and above all, slow, stopping voice. The computer turned on the small television, which Wowbagger would occasionally watch to relieve some of the immense boredom he suffered from on his endless quest.
"Remind me to uninstall Windows from you, computer," he said as the television slowly turned on, only to pop up with a message five seconds later, reading "Windows has performed an illegal operation and must shut down. We apologize for the inconvenience."
"Message recorded; message understood. Threat to Windows- message deleted," the computer said, still in the same horrendous voice, "Send message of apology to Bill Gates? Y/N"
"No," Wowbagger said as the television finally turned on.
"And in other news, Zaphod Beeblebrox has stolen the newly unveiled secret government ship- the Heart of Gold. This is the ship that would make hyperspace bypasses unnecessary, if you remember, dear viewers. Sadly, the destruction of thousands of planets was completed prior to the unveiling, including the largely populated planet Earth, as well as sparsely populated planets Viltvodle VI I/II, Betelgeuse I-V, and Ramalamadingdong. The Big Z has finally flipped, say his fans. For more on that, let's consult his personal brain care specia-"
Wowbagger flicked the television off, enraged. He had just lost the chance at insulting almost seven billion creatures. He would find who was responsible for this, and unleash the ultimate insult upon him—the one he had saved since he first gained his immortality.
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A/N: Well then, I hope you enjoyed that insanely short introductory chapter. Please review. Compliments, suggestions, corrections, flames, and phone numbers of cute girls are all accepted. Review now! Offer expires May 31, except in the case of us extending it just like car companies!