-Izaya -

How long has it been since I've been back? No. A better question would be: What brought me back in the first place? That's the question to which I don't quite have a good answer. Before I know what I'm doing, I'm getting off the subway at the Ikebukuro stop.

It's stupid of me to come here. I almost turn around but something pushes me to continue up the escalator, emerging out onto the street. In the evening light, I glance around, taking in the familiar surroundings. Smirking to myself as I think about all the havoc I stirred up. All the widespread destruction of innocent lives - as well as a few not so innocent ones.

"Good times," I murmur to myself as, my face falling, leaving my stare almost vacant. As I walk through the almost comfortingly familiar streets, I wonder how the city has been getting along without me. Probably pretty well, albeit a little boring.

I guess I could know everything about the goings on in Ikebukuro at the present time if I had wanted to. It's not that difficult, but there was something that kept me from doing so. Something that made me want to turn a blind eye to the city and its interesting people that I so loved.

When realize I am walking in the direction of Raira Academy, I subconsciously and quite abruptly turned down an alley to avoid stirring up any high school memories. I absentmindedly wonder how Shinra is doing. Did he actually manage to get Celty to marry him? The thought makes me pause - my steps almost faltering - causing me to raise an eyebrow internally. Since when would I care about something so trivial? He may be the closest thing I have to a friend and the only person I honestly believe deserves happiness... but we're by no means close. I'm not close with anyone, am I?

Another odd musing. Did I just feel an ache in my chest at that thought? I must be getting soft. Or just maybe keeping people at an arm's length hasn't kept me as strong as I had thought. I sigh heavily at the absurdity of the idea as I come out on a main street and pause to consider my next destination.

I see a conspicuous van drive past me with a ridiculous anime girl adorning the rear sliding door. I raise an eyebrow and smirk. "You haven't changed I see..." I mutter under my breath, turning to walk in the opposite direction of the aforementioned van. I think Dotachin would be as happy about running into me as Shinra would. It would be cordial but tedious. I should just avoid that encounter.

It's almost liberating to walk these streets with no idea of what's happening underneath the surface. Not knowing every dark secret and illicit detail about its salacious underground activities. Don't misunderstand; I do thoroughly enjoy near omniscience, maybe even omnipotence, but it feels oddly enjoyable to be detached. I don't know what it is but this almost innocence in my step is a new and slightly enjoyable feeling. I have no ulterior motive in my movement, no intention in the direction I am heading.

I'm just here. In the moment.

I don't think anyone would believe that I'm enjoying my current state of blissful ignorance, but who cares what anyone else thinks. No one knows anything about me. Not really. So how could they understand how much I'm enjoying my view from the outside looking in?

"No one really needs to know, do they?" I almost whisper to myself with a sigh and a tiny smile.

As if some unknown higher power decides to take away this sliver of undeserved happiness, I see the back of the head of a certain monster I had hoped to avoid. My face drops and I narrow my eyes minutely. I drop back and follow him for a block before I see him walk into Russia Sushi. This prompts me to turn down another alley to make my way around the restaurant. Damn. I could have stopped in for some otoro to-go.

Sighing, I pull out a cell phone and send an irritated message to Namie. I thought you told me he wasn't in town... I don't bother to read the almost instantaneous response. It's probably some trivial, not to mention snarky, comment.

Why did I even bother to ask her to find out about Shizuo's whereabouts in the first place? I was already on the subway before I realized where I was heading and wasn't really considering turning around. But after our final confrontation before I left Ikebukuro... I guess I don't know where we really stand if we were to run into each other after all this time. There wasn't really any form of closure for either of us. I mean, we're both still breathing, aren't we?

Why is that, I wonder.

He could have hunted me down if he had really wanted to end me. I must not be that important to him. "Ouch," slips out of my mouth before I have time to think. I raise an eyebrow at the direction in which my thoughts are steering. Why should I care? I mean, he isn't important to me either.

Somewhere deep down I can feel the lie. I hate that it's a lie. When did this hatred turn into something so...I shake my head unable to find the right word to finish my thought. I sigh so loudly it's almost a groan.

It makes me sick to think of how much I don't hate him.

Clenching a fist at my side I stop walking and lean against a concrete wall, closing my eyes tight. I need to clear my mind but I just can't stop my thoughts from spiraling down to the part of me that I had suppressed during my self-imposed exile from Ikebukuro.

What sort of closure had I been looking for from our final stand-off? Was one - or both - of our deaths really the thing that would have made me happy? And why had terrified me to think of what my life would be like if I had succeeded in my task? There was a moment when roof went up in flames that I had actually panicked. Had I really killed him?

I just couldn't accept a world where he didn't exist. The relief I felt when he got back up - and hit me with a fucking steel beam like a goddamn baseball - was irritating. Was my life really built around that monster? It had been a shocking revelation.

Something in me broke that night. Well, actually, a lot of things broke... but some part of me that I had assumed lay forever dormant forced me to acknowledge it before it shattered into tiny, seemingly irreparable pieces.

That was what kept me out of Ikebukuro. That's what stopped me from keeping up with the city's inner workings. The thing had constantly drawn me in to Ikebukuro, subconsciously or not, had turned into what made me stay away.

Shizuo Heiwajima.

Shizu-chan.

Damn it.

If he only knew, I'm sure he's be overjoyed to know that it was him that finally kept me away. I had always wandered around knowing full well that we would see each other. I had thrived on the fact that I knew he'd always find me. Find me, chase me away, repeat. It was... fun. A stable source of amusement that warped into something twisted and confusing over time.

Thinking back on it now, I scoff at how I constantly flaunted my disregard for his demand to stay out of Ikebukuro. It was that order that pushed me to quite literally skip through "his" streets so carefree. I wanted to prove that he didn't scare me. He wasn't a threat to me. But he did scare me. In a way.

It was only that night, when we went all out, that I finally realized why he scared me. I had always claimed that I loved all humans with the obvious exception being Shizuo. That day I realized it was quite the opposite.

I could live if some silly girl killed herself. I could live if a gang war ripped through the streets, causing people to leave Ikebukuro. Either temporarily or permanently. I could live with anything these humans did to each other. But I couldn't live if Shizuo was no longer in this world...

And I hated myself for it.

I truly love that monster.

When did that line between love and hate blur so much?

If I was honest with myself, I think I've known on a subconscious level since... we met? Damn it. He was different. Special. Always so unpredictable and... interesting. No one has ever caught me off guard like him. No one has ever been such a challenge. No one could ever take this place he had dug into my very soul. I would be nothing without him.

That must be why I've felt so utterly empty. Something had forced me back here. Someone not something. Someone that would hate to know that I'm here. The only person who could make me feel... anything.

He must have been the drawing force that pulled me back to Ikebukuro before I even had a moment to stop and think it though. I know I shouldn't be here. And I certainly shouldn't be thinking like this. What would he say if he knew? What would he do? That thought alone terrifies me.

I duck into a small cafe and sit in a far corner booth to try and collect my thoughts. I pull out my cell phone and scroll through my contacts. Just contacts, no real friends. How sad... There really is no one to talk to about this. Not that I want to talk to anyone about this.

With a sigh I put my phone back into my pocket and lean back against the cushion. "When did everything get so tangled?" I ask myself before shaking my head with a small, bitter smile. "Damn you, Shizu-chan."