If Equal Affection Cannot Be
"If equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me."
— W. H. Auden
...
1. Mycroft
Mycroft is seven when Sherlock is born. Tiny, helpless, already a liability: a baby brother whose loss would break his heart.
Mycroft is eight when he is sent away to school. He comes home to find that Sherlock is walking, talking, and curious about everything. He imagines all of the things he'll be able to teach his brother. He wishes he didn't have to go back to school.
Mycroft is ten when he realises that he and Sherlock are different — not only from the rest of the world, but from each other. Sherlock is so intense. He cares about things too much, which leaves him unacceptably vulnerable. Mycroft vows to protect him.
"Caring is not an advantage," Mycroft explains to his three-year-old brother.
He knows this for a fact. Mycroft cares deeply about Sherlock, and he can already tell that his concern will bring him nothing but pain.
…
2. Lestrade
Greg Lestrade is not an idiot, no matter what Sherlock may say.
Greg sees Sherlock at his worst — callous, disdainful, reckless with his own life and the lives of those around him. He also sees Sherlock at his best — a genius at solving cases that would be impossible for anyone else.
Greg knows that Sherlock is a great man, and he hopes that he may one day become a good one. Not simply because that would make the world a safer and better place, and make his own job so much easier, but also because, God help him, he cares about the bastard.
Come to think of it, maybe Greg is an idiot, after all.
…
3. Molly
Molly knows it's hopeless.
From the moment they meet, she's drawn to Sherlock. It's his looks, at first — how could it not be? But it's also his mind, and the heart she knows is hiding in there somewhere.
Molly makes tentative overtures, and finds herself rebuffed. Occasionally, though, Sherlock deigns to acknowledge her existence. She takes whatever scraps are offered, and considers herself lucky even to be noticed by someone like him.
The rub is, Sherlock matters to Molly. She wants to believe that, in some small way, she matters to Sherlock, too.
Molly knows it's hopeless. Of course she knows. But somehow, she can't stop hoping.
…
4. Mrs. Hudson
Mrs. Hudson thinks that Sherlock's mother has a lot to answer for.
That boy would starve if she didn't feed him. He'd die of dehydration if she didn't make tea. He'd live in squalor (well, even more squalor) if she didn't tidy up. Not that she's his housekeeper, mind you. But someone has to look out for him.
Sherlock brings out all of Mrs. Hudson's maternal instincts. She never had children of her own, but she likes to think that if she had, she would have done a better job raising them than Sherlock's parents did.
She'd have taught them words like 'please' and 'thank you.' She'd have explained, quite clearly, what sorts of items do and do not belong in a refrigerator. She would have instilled in them an understanding of the fact that shooting at walls is not acceptable, no matter how bored one feels.
But she wouldn't have loved her own children one bit more than she loves Sherlock, the funny little lamb.
…
5. John
Nothing ever happens to John. Until the most incredible thing possible happens. He meets Sherlock.
When John falls for Sherlock, it's not like falling from a horse, or from a plane. It's like the first tiny pebble that falls from a cliff, gathering stones and rocks and speed until it triggers a landslide. One small thing, and another, and another, until it's unstoppable. Devastating.
Why is it devastating? Because John knows that Sherlock doesn't feel things that way.
John sees the ways in which Sherlock responds to the people in his life who care about him. His labelling of Mycroft as his archenemy. His refusal to learn Lestrade's first name. His casual cruelty to Molly. Even Mrs. Hudson — to whom John has seen Sherlock show more affection than to anyone else — is generally taken for granted.
John can't bear the thought of having his own feelings tossed back in his face like that. If loving Sherlock has to be one-sided, then so be it. He'd rather love in silence, and preserve their friendship, than run the risk of losing everything.
…
+1. Sherlock
Sherlock doesn't know how much he is loved.
Sherlock sees, of course, but he does not observe. He labels Mycroft's involvement in his life as a meddling attempt to control him. He assumes Lestrade's only use for him is as a consultant. Molly's interest in him he dismisses as foolish infatuation. Mrs. Hudson's mothering he accepts as being simply 'her way.'
And John? When John comes into his life, he turns Sherlock's entire worldview inside-out, upside-down, and backwards.
When John meddles in his life and tries to control him, Sherlock doesn't mind. John openly admires his feats of deduction, and not only on cases. John's interest in him isn't based on infatuation (more's the pity, Sherlock secretly thinks) and although loyalty is 'his way' it seems to go deeper than that.
John calls Sherlock his friend. His best friend.
Sherlock has a friend.
Still, Sherlock sees, but he does not observe. Until, at last he does. He observes the way John looks at him, eyes warm and soft. The fondness in his voice. The casual — yet not so casual — touches.
These things are not explained by admiration, or loyalty, or even friendship. What remains, however improbable, is simply this: John loves him.
Sherlock's brain short-circuits, and he has a moment of panic.
Then he sees the light. Who needs a Mind Palace? Sherlock lets down the drawbridge of his Heart Castle and invites John inside.
John loves him.
And Sherlock loves John.
…
End Notes: If equal reviewing cannot be, let the more reviewing one be you. ;)