I was always just that girl in the background. Just another cadet. I didn't do well, in fact I was at the bottom of the class. Not because I couldn't do better. But because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I'm not shy, I just want to make friends. Well. I just don't want people to hate me. And in my experience is that if I show my personality and say what I think. Well, no one likes me for who I am, so I just don't show them who I am. In truth I came here just to get away. I ran away from home to come here. Not like anyone back home cared, they were all probably glad I came here, well they might miss their punch bag I suppose. Here nobody hates me or beats me up, but here nobody knows me, and I suppose nobody particularly likes me here ether, but that's ok, as long as they don't hate me. But this, this all changed the day they called me to the office, the day I met him.
I was a frosty morning and I was up early. I was sitting on the porch railing, a crisp breeze pinching at my nose and just thinking about they day of training ahead when a senior officer walked up our dorm and asked me if I knew an Armin Arlert. Of course I do, I know everyone here, I know how well they do in training, I know where they come from, I know who their friends are and I know who their enemies are. I'm not a stalker, its just what comes from silently observing the world.
"Yes," I respond "I do." not sure of how she'll react and if she'll go back and tell the other officers what a creep I am, she shouldn't though, not from me just saying that, right?
"Ok, well could you tell him he is expected in the office in half an hour sharp," she replies "Oh yes, him and Kara Lakestoff."
"Umm ok will do," I respond taken by surprise, I decide I'm definitely not letting her see I am Kara Lakestoff, I could ask what's going on even though she probably wont tell me I could read her face, but she might go back and tell at the other officers how nosy you are snipes my lizard voice, but I push it down, "Do you know what its about." I ask nervously,
"Sorry no." she says bluntly but I can see she's lying. In her eyes I think I can see pity, in fact I know I can see pity. Shit. That's when I hits me. They are going to kick us out. Armin was never top of the class either even though he excelled beyond belief in the classroom.
"Ok." I say my face blank as she turns away and I go inside. No, I think, they cant kick me out. I'm not going back, no matter what they say, and I couldn't work in the fields, it would drive me nuts! I'll show them that I'm just holding back, even if it draws attention to myself, I'm not going back. and I may as well save Armin at the same time right? I thought I would have to wait for Armin to get up but as I head in to the common room area I find him there reading. I gulp and tell myself that he cant judge me if just tell him to come to the office right? Or he could and then he could tell the rest of them and then-
"Hey," he says interrupting my thoughts "I didn't think anyone else was up." one part of my brain is telling me that not all human beings are monsters and that he seems nice enough, but then the other part is telling me that all human beings are animals, well at least they behave like one to me. He sees I don't respond and then says "You look cold, I could get you a blanket if you want." the rational part of my brain realizes he's nice and that I would have to talk to him anyway.
"No thanks, I'm fine," I respond blankly, but then I realize a little to blankly, "But thanks for offering." I add quickly and smile a smile that I can only hope doesn't look as fake as it is. The lizard part of my brain is telling me to run, or maybe not as he could judge me for that and tell the others and then-
"Well, come and sit down then." he smiles and gestures to the seat next to him. His smile does look genuine and not at all like those cruel smiles I used to get back home when they are abut to beat me up, or those fake smiles when they pretend to be your friend so they can stab you in the back. My lizard brain is saying he could just be a good actor and to dignifiedly walk out but I gulp and try to force that voice out of my mind. I go over and awkwardly perch on the edge of the bench.
"So umm ," I try. Deep breath "We have to go to the office in half an hour."
"What! Why?" he looks alarmed. I pause to think for a moment. I could lie and say I don't know, he wouldn't see through me, I've had a lot of experience. But it would be better for me if I told him I thought they were going to kick us out so he could help with the argument. My lizard brain chimes in with but what if your wrong, what if he disagrees and then he tells the others and– NO. I wont let that stop me, and anyway, I know I'm right, I always am with things like this. "they aren't gonna-"
"Kick us out?" I interrupt "Yes, they are" oh my god why did I say that, he could hate me for interrupting him or he could have not been about to say that and then tell the others and-
"W-What, no!" oh crap he wasn't gonna say that, no no no, ugh I hate mysel- " We cant let that happen." Phiew I calm down a bit
"I know, that's why I told you, we need a plan, and I have one" So I explain my plan to him,
"It's a great plan I-I couldn't have thought of a better one myself, but I mean its all good you training me but what about you we're being kicked out of this together for a reason," he then blushes and says "Not to question your skills or your fitness or anything but….. I-I'm sorry, forget I ever said that, that was really rude of me, I-I'm sorry. I pause and mentally curse my screaming lizard brain at what I'm about to admit "I-I shouldn't have a problem, if they agree to give us a chance and listen, but I need to know if you would be prepared to work."
"Huh? W-What do u mean?" he says. I grit my teeth bracing myself for the next wave of lizard brain and mentally punch it,
"I-I often hold back in training,"
"What do you mean? Why would you do that?" I feel like I want to cry, I haven't admitted this much this much to anyone, ever, oh well I need this for my plan to work, plus, he'd find out later anyway if my plan works coz well, I cant exactly train him without showing him what I can really do.
"Well I don't like to draw attention to myself so I figured it was the best way to stay out of the limelight. I-I know its stupid but-"
"no, it's ok, your just shy, there's no problem with that, I used to be really shy until I met Mikasa and Eren, but then they managed to bring me out of my shell," He says, I blush looking down thinking, if only I was 'just shy'. "But anyway, your really lucky, I wish I could just, fake being bad." is that resentment (it wasn't I was just being paranoid), no no no no no no. I should have thought of this no no no no no no– but then he smiles and gives a little chuckle, not an evil laugh like they did back home before they shoved me in a closet for three days, all alone, no food or water, I nearly died. I-I think he might be nice, h-he he could be my friend! Woah there I'm getting way ahead of my myself even if he's nice now, he could change, he will change, remember Lacy? No shut up lizard brain. Shut. Up.
"Shut up."
"Oh umm I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to offend you I I I'm sorry I-"
"What?" Oh my god. I said that out loud. Why here? Of all places. Why now? Shit shit shit shit– no I need to rectify this fist,
"Oh I-I'm so sorry I was speaking my thoughts aloud." I said. He looks quite hurt then says,
"Well if you wanted me to shut up you could have just said, I mean-"
"NO!" OH MY FUCKING GOD I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK! "NO, please, oh my god, no, I'm sorry," at first it's just a jumble of words but then I pull my self together, "No, really I-I promise that's not what I meant I was talking to myself, to my brain, I I I, no I don't want you to shut up keep talking, please I want you to talk I-" fuck I'm and idiot why did I say I wanted him to talk he could just think I'm creepy and he could tell every one and– and why do I feel something underneath my lizard brain, something telling me I care what he
thinks, not just what he
might tell people. I-I care what he thinks of me. No I haven't specifically cared about someone for my whole life, I cant start now especially not now-