This is a songfic requested by Swords and Bandages. I am actually thankful that the request came around because my writer's block was already giving me a migraine and I'm always forced to start making unsuccessful AMVs in the end (I'm still experimenting on Windows Movie Maker. I only learned last month. When will I get a Premiere program installed?!).
Anyway, this is a one-sided RinKakashi (I'm pro this) with the song 'I Could Fall in Love' by Selena. I really love Selena's songs, especially 'Dreaming of You', and I actually enjoyed making this shot.
And I hope you guys will enjoy reading this.
To Swords and Bandages: Once again, I'm hoping that this will meet your standards. There could be choppiness or such, but I hope they'll be forgivable.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the song I'm using.
Note: Various Points of Views. And this is rather short.
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Dear Diary,
There never was a time when I knew I had already fallen in love.
I can't recall a time I either slept well because I saw my Prince Charming in my dreams or failed to sleep at all, eagerly anticipating tomorrow so I can finally see him again.
I'd say otherwise that there never was a moment when everything felt perfect.
That was before I met Kakashi Hatake, though.
I never had the son of Konoha's White Fang in mind. I never really had a thing for boys with gray-snowed locks and lanky builds. But, when I first met him once we were already teamed into cells, I suddenly found myself shyly smiling behind him.
There was something about him that made you want to look back at him, something that wants you to see past those passive features of his. Surely, it must be what made me eventually silently and secretively swoon over Kakashi at the beginning.
Who ever thought that I'd find myself blushing because of someone like him?
I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
'Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
'Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go
But I'm held back like a chained prisoner everyday. My hands crave for his. My eyes shut whenever it's not him who I see. I don't smile at anyone but him. My ears can't resist perking at the sound of his voice. It's strange, but my nose loves his scent.
And I get nothing in the end.
Nothing but a blank stare, sometimes. If I'm lucky, I get an inaudible mutter out of him.
It makes me wonder what makes Kakashi Hatake tick. What makes up his smile? A pleasant day or a warm night? What are his weaknesses? Does he even have any, in the first place (A 13 year old Jonin doubtingly has any, though)? What makes his heart beat?
Most importantly, will I ever find the answers to these aimless questions of mine?
It was weird how I felt. He occupies my mind like how missions occupy his. My notes are filled with my name mixed with his (Rin Hatake, mind you) like how his notes are complete and detailed. My days are spent watching him spend his days without a care.
I could say that Kakashi Hatake is an intriguing specimen, actually.
I try to keep up with him and Obito during training, sometimes, and even push myself harder to actually make it ahead of them. And it's all because I want him to see that I can do excellently, impressively, just like him.
Maybe once or twice I managed to make it ahead of them (In medical ninjutsu, usually). But all he does is shrug and look away, ominous somehow. I don't really know if it was because it irritated him whenever I excelled or it really didn't matter to him.
I never knew why, exactly, I keep on going. Why didn't I give up on trying to make Kakashi proud of me? Did I want him to like me so badly? Or was it because I want to be just as good as him unrealistically? Was it because I wanted convince him that Rin is a great kunoichi?
… Or was it because I wanted him to like me back?
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
One of the most unforgettable experiences I've had with Kakashi was after Obito died. It was hard for both of us since Obito was like the sunshine amid the dark clouds (Kakashi) and the pale blue sky (That'd be me). He made everything, Team Minato, complete.
I never stopped crying. I cried myself to sleep. I'd sob the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I'd tear up a little whenever I see Kakashi's new Sharingan, which was Obito's last gift. And at the end of the day, I'd break down, missing how Obito used to bid us goodbye at the end of our days.
He never bade us a last goodbye.
And I became nothing more than just a promise. Yes, a promise. Kakashi swore to Obito that he'd take care of me selflessly, always. It was Obito's last favor and Kakashi would never forgive himself for breaking such a promise.
I wasn't Rin, anymore. I was 'Kakashi's Promise'. I'm finally something precious. Yet, it hurts. It's not supposed to, but it does. I'm precious to him only because Obito would never forgive him if I got hurt.
If Kakashi didn't make that promise to Obito, he probably wouldn't even bother to know if I was still alive.
From then on, Kakashi would always accompany me home, making sure that I didn't wander off or get lost. I could've been touched by the concern, but I decide not to be seeing how forced he is into it.
And once, I questioned him out of the blue on one of our walks home, "Why did Obito want you to look after me? What do you think?"
He was quiet at first, not even turning to me to raise a brow, but eventually, his voice came up, telling me, "Losing people like Obito is sad, yeah, especially to his friends like us. But it's how it is in the shinobi world. We can't change that. On the other hand…
… Losing a bright and special girl like you is a tragedy both unbearable and heartbreaking."
I could only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still?
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know
I swear I cried harder than ever on that very moment. I never thought that Kakashi would think that way. I have never felt so glad before. Those words meant so much and hearing them out of him made everything totally priceless.
Despite this, though, I still wonder if he even meant it.
And as Kakashi walked away, leaving me at my doorstep, I swear I saw him wipe a tear away.
The years kept on passing and I never became a Jonin. Truthfully, I'd say there's nothing with being a Chunin. Although Kakashi has already gotten a taste of the Anbu Division, I couldn't even teach in the Academy or help out in the hospital. I always felt useless.
But then, there was a time when I was finally commissioned outside the village to work as a medical ninja in war-torn countries. It was an opportunity I couldn't resist. I'd finally be of help to other people.
I told Kakashi all about it on our last walk home together and, even though he's already all grown up along with me, he simply shrugged and asked me, "Why tell me?"
"I… just wanted to let you know." I honestly said, slightly embarrassed at how unexpected his indifference was, "I'm off tomorrow morning and I thought I'd take this chance to say goodbye in case I don't get to tomorrow."
I don't know what it was, but there was (finally) emotion in his eyes. His usual, dull eyes seemed to flare up with a nagging feeling and his lone Sharingan, Obito's Sharingan, appeared to be boiling inside.
"Take care," he told me, ready to walk away at this, "I can't be there to watch over you, you know."
And that's when it came up to me: I already have fallen in love with him. And it has felt like the most illegal act I've ever done.
Having Kakashi away from me seems like an inevitable nightmare. A kunoichi's greatest defeat is having her heart taken away by someone else, by a man she has learned to love. With Kakashi in my mind, will I be able to concentrate on working?
Will I be able to survive without him walking me home or pulling me up when I tumble over?
I made a promise never to fall for him because it'd be nothing but a series of painful experiences and a pack of wasted time. Still, who can help it?
And I know it's not right
And I guess I should try to do what I should do
But I could fall in love
Fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
But it occurred to me: Will telling him all about it make anything better? Will it be worth it?
"… Kakashi?" I tried to start, halting him in his tracks, "There's something you should know."
Certainly, I got his attention. He turned to me, somehow impatiently, and he said, "Hurry it up. I still have duty tomorrow and I don't want to lack sleep. You should be getting to bed, too, actually." He scratched the back of his head and added, "So, what is it?"
Looking at him a few yards away from me made everything feel so bland, like nothing made sense for long. The questioning of my conscience still resonates irritatingly.
My lips part slightly to let me speak up, but suddenly, they purse back together, tightly and firmly. He noticed this and heaved a swift sigh. He probably thought that I'd take forever to speak up.
Eventually, I forced on a smile and exclaimed with a quick change of my mind, "I… I think you should just be a Jonin instead. I know how dangerous it is being an Anbu and unless you want me thinking of your safety 24/7 while I'm away, I suggest that you… well, quit being an Anbu and stay a Jonin, you know?" I sounded stupid, certainly.
His stare was once again blank, making me cringe and absorb the humiliation that was creeping up on me. Kill me now, I prayed.
But, in the end, he snorted quietly and answered, "Yeah, I guess I should do that. Thanks for the advice, Rin."
And after that, I just nodded fervently then suddenly added, slightly stammering, "Hey, Kakashi, I'll miss you."
At this, he seemed to grin behind his mask, squint his eyes at me happily and wave back, exclaiming, "Yeah, I'll miss you, too, Rin." And there, he finally went off, leaving me behind for the last time.
Even so, I realized that things are best this way. It's best that he doesn't know. Heck, I think it's best if he never knew.
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love
I could fall in love
Kakashi doesn't need to know that I love him.
…
…
The tiny diary's material felt coarse against his fingertips. He knew well that the tears were nearing the corner of his eyes. Reading her last diary entry was too much to bear. And with that, he stood up with the little notebook in his hands.
The lone Jonin walked across the dimly lit room and couldn't help but tighten his grip on the diary with every step.
"It's all that's left of her belongings," the Anbu captain nearby said, ashamed behind his animal mask, "Her death was confirmed three weeks ago. She was killed while she was crossing the border, on her way here to Konoha. According to the reports, she was already on her way home."
All Kakashi did was nod and pocket the small notebook and thank the departing Anbu with a statement no louder than a whisper.
With this, Kakashi gently closed his eyes, letting the imperceptible, genuine tears roll down his cheeks for the first time in such a long time. Rin is worth mourning for.
"Yeah," he whispered to no one in particular, "It's a tragedy both unbearable and heartbreaking."
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I know Rin's POV sounded like a little kid's. Too much of a little kid's, even. So, I apologize for that if it wasn't favorable. And if there was any OOC-ness with Kakashi, please ignore that, too.
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading this.