Nobody would suspect that Jeon Jungkook was sad.
He was the maknae. The youngest of the band. The beacon of light and hope that kept them all going, even in the tough times.
He was determined to keep trying, even when all hope seemed lost. He was the perfect band member.
They saw his smiles, heard his laughs, felt his smooth, clear wrists when they helped him up.
They didn't see his flinches, hear his sobs or feel the rough, uneven lines running across his thighs.
Jungkook didn't blame them for not noticing. He didn't want them to.
I'm already burden enough, he'd think, crouching in the corner of the practice room after everyone had left, trying to hold back unshed tears from an unsuccessful dance practice.
I'm already holding the team back enough.
But they did start to notice when Jungkook began flinching every time he landed a jump or landed harshly
And when he bit his lip during more energetic practices.
And when he'd scratch at his thighs continuously.
When they asked him about it, Jungkook would just laugh. Flash a smile. Give a thumbs up. Play it off as if he wasn't dying inside.
"I'm fine guys, really! You worry too much, c'mon, let's go again we need to practice."
He didn't voice the chorus of thoughts in his head every time he messed up a move, or bumped into someone.
Stupid.
You're the "Golden Maknae"?
You're lucky they keep you in the band.
Stop taking everyone down with you.
Worthless.
Idiot.
Incapable.
It went on like that, with Jungkook just barely managing to brush off their suspicion and then proceeding to tear himself down in his head. He would practice, go to school, practice more, go back to the dorm in the early hours of the morning, cut, and silently cry himself to sleep.
He would stare at himself in the mirror, stare at his hideous nose, gross cuts, fat stomach, and chubby face and hate it with every ounce of his being. He pondered on what he could do to change this.
That's when he stopped eating.
He would go a day or so, then eat a ton, and then feel guilty and go even longer without. Nobody seemed to notice his dramatic weight loss, which to Jungkook meant that he was still too fat.
The cuts crawled from his thighs, to his hips, up his stomach, onto his shoulders. He changed in the bathroom, away from the searching eyes of his teammates. His skinny jeans and baggy white t-shirts covered the excessive weight loss and the self-inflicted lacerations that covered his skin.
He began to get dizzy very quickly. He would run out of breath after only a few minutes of practice. He would stay behind after they all left, by himself, drilling the steps over and over and over until he nearly passed out. He wasn't going to be left behind.
"He's just overly ambitious," their manager would say, "Working hard to reach his goal."
The members sent him worried glances after every jump.
Jungkook truly believed that they didn't care.
They never said anything.
Not until the day that he fell.
He was crouching, preparing for a flip. Feeling ready, feeling happy. He jumped, he twisted in the air, and then he fell to the floor.
Snap.
The entire room went silent after Jungkook screamed. He hit the ground, hard, clutching his ribs, gasping against the pain radiating from him chest. He choked out sobs between his pained and ragged intakes of oxygen.
Jimin was at his side first, hands fluttering around Jungkook's squirming form, not quite sure what to do. What he could do, without injuring him further.
Everyone rushed over to Jungkook, who was writhing in pain. Jin knelt on the floor next to him.
"Kookie, what happened? Where does it hurt? Let me see! Hey, Kookie. Kookie!" Jin yelled, but Jungkook ignored him, curling in on himself even more. Yoongi and Namjoon were there in an instant, tugging up his shirt so they were able to inspect the damage. Jungkook panicked, thrashing against them, causing some of his cuts to re-open.
They got his shirt off.
The entire room filled with silence again.
Jungkook was crying, trying to hide his fat, shameful body from them. The members was frozen, stunned, watching Jungkook attempting to cover up every inch of his exposed skin- skin that was adorned with angry red lines. They saw his prominent ribs, one of them obviously broken, stabbing into the thin skin that covered them. His spine, jutting out of his back. His hipbones, sharp and piercing. His collarbones, nearly cutting open his skin. The oozing, bloody lacerations covering his stomach, hips, shoulders, some of them bleeding again due to his quick and harsh movements.
J-Hope broke the pained silence first, letting a quiet sob fall out of his mouth, which was followed by a waterfall of tears, falling to the floor next to Jungkook's head and petting his black hair. That snapped everyone else out of their shocked ambivalence; Namjoon went with their manager, who had been there when Jungkook fell, to call for an ambulance. V got closer to J-Hope to help soothe Jungkook, Jin and Jimin bit their lips, willing themselves not to cry.
Yoongi remained silent, holding Jungkook's hand as the maknae sobbed.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Jungkook inaudibly whispered between heart-wrenching sobs, his eyes wide and bloodshot. Yoongi just squeezed Jungkook's hand tighter, a single tear rolling down his own cheek.
Jungkook was tired; he just wanted to sleep. The adrenaline had faded from his weak body, left with only excruciating pain-constant and throbbing. Jungkook was shaking with pain, trying to keep his drooping eyelids open for just a little longer.
Suddenly, he heard Jin's voice, as if he was underwater, somewhere in his vicinity. Somewhere just out of his reach…
"…okie, stay awake…yung, keep him awake…" he managed to decipher from the incoherent mumbles. The calming hand in his hair was gone, and when Jungkook opened his eyes again, he saw a worried and frightened Taehyung hovering over him.
"…Pabo! Wake up. Don't sleep," V spoke with a hint of urgency and uncertainty in his voice. Jungkook let out a breathy whine.
"H-H-Hyungs…do you hate me?" Jungkook asked drowsily, a few stray tears escaping his eyes and falling down his smooth cheeks. He felt Yoongi's hand tightened around his own.
"Of course not, you pabo. We love you."
Jungkook woke again in a sterile hospital room with gleaming white walls. According to his doctor, he had passed out from over-exhaustion and malnourishment, explaining that is was from not eating properly. Also, one of his ribs had snapped during his fall due to "osteoporosis".
The doctors diagnosed him with anorexia nervosa and depression.
They all cried. A lot. They all cried, though none of them, with the exception of Jungkook, really understood how this had happened. How this had happened without their knowledge.
The first week was rough on everyone. Jungkook wasn't allowed visitors, and, to be honest, he almost preferred it that way. It meant one whole week he could think about what he was going to say when they inevitably asked. The other members sat impatiently back at the dorm, hoping for any news about Jungkook.
Jungkook was a wreck, itching to slice into his skin, and refusing to digest any food the hospital provided. His body ached to dance again, his vocal chords begged to sing.
The second week, the members began to visit one by one.
Namjoon and Jin came first. With Jin being the oldest and Namjoon being the leader, they both felt the most responsible and decided it was only right to go and apologise to him. Jin sobbed, and Namjoon lectured him about how "starving himself wasn't the way to get better at dance or singing," and that "they were all always there if he needed talk." Jungkook hugged them both sincerely, reassuring them both that he was going to get better and he would be back in no-time.
Next to visit the incapacitated Jungkook was J-Hope, V and Jimin. They came all together, like a rowdy mob, and practically suffocated Jungkook in a huge bear hug. Taehyung jokily smacked Jungkook around the head and scolded him for being stupid and not talking to him about this, while J-Hope just cried and wished his a speedy recovery. Jimin pretended not to cry, demanding that Jungkook get well immediately, because since he had been here, the Hyungs had become very serious and it was genuinely boring. They all promised to buy him ice-cream and other sweet treats when he was back at the dorm, which made Jungkook feel a confusing mixture of happy and sad.
He asked about Yoongi, and they all fell silent.
"He's pretty…torn up, y'know." Jimin had told him quietly, an air of secrecy around him.
"He'll be in eventually, I'm sure." J-Hope had whispered uncertainly before leaving Jungkook alone with his thoughts once again.
Jungkook waited one more week. All the members visited him a lot, telling tales about what had happened, occasionally bringing food and gifts. All the members, except Yoongi. It made Jungkook's heart sink.
He's disgusted.
He thinks that you should've died.
You burdened all of them.
You're a disappointment"
Jungkook clenched his hands into tight fists, digging his nails into the skin of his palms, harshly scrunching his eyes willing away the unwanted tears that were about to spill from his eyes.
I'm sure he's just busy.
He hates you.
He always did and now you just scared him off even more, stupid-
"Kookie?"
The sudden interruption of the familiar voice made Jungkook freeze and loose his self-destructive train of thought. Cautiously, he squinted out his watery eyes to see Yoongi, standing awkwardly in the doorway of his hospital room.
"Y-You came!" Jungkook muttered, flashing a weak smile towards Yoongi, who gave him a small nod before apprehensively shuffling forward and perching on the edge of Jungkook's hospital bed.
"I…I'm sorry I didn't come earlier," Yoongi whispered quietly, without looking up from a spot on the floor he was concentrating on. Jungkook's happy mood quickly became solemn.
So he is disgusted, I am a burden, he only came out of pity-
"O-Oh. Well, uh, thanks f-for coming, but you can, um, go, if you want to…" Jungkook managed to stutter nervously, still flashing a weak smile. Yoongi's eyebrows furrowed.
"But I just got here, pabo. Why would I want to leave so soon?" Yoongi asked inquisitively. Jungkook squirmed, looking away and choosing to instead focus on odd looking stain on the wall.
"I thought you'd be, you know, grossed out by me. I mean, I was all blah and nasty and I burdened you all and brought the team down and Jimin said that you-" Jungkook rambled quietly, only stopping when Yoongi wrapped his arms around him. Jungkook flushed bright red, his eyes widening for a second before closing and leaning into the warm embrace. It was really awkward, at first; neither of them were big on skinship, but once they both accepted the hug, they were finally able to really relax.
Yoongi pulled him closer, resting his chin on Jungkook's shoulder his breath tickling his neck and ear.
"You," he breathed, "are not gross. Or nasty. Or a burden. You don't bring the group down but you are a pabo. Never hurt yourself again. Ever. Don't even think about it. Please, just don't hurt yourself again, okay? It really scared all of us to see that you had been hurting like this for so long."
"I…I mean, I have medicine now, and they said it'll make me feel better. It's supposed to make me happier. I also have ones for weight gain and stuff so-" Jungkook started again, but Yoongi rudely interrupted again.
"Kookie. You have us now, alright? Talk to us. I promise, we promise that we won't make fun of you, not about this. Please just don't bottle it up and take it out on yourself. I promise I'll be nicer to you if you promise to open up more. Trust your Hyungs. Please" Yoongi pleaded. Jungkook giggled at the seriousness in his voice, and wrapped his arms around Yoongi.
"It's really funny when you're trying to be nice Hyung. It's something we don't see often. It's like seeing Bigfoot" Jungkook admitted, which caused Yoongi to blush, scowl and pull away from Jungkook.
"S-shut up! I thought we were having a nice moment but you ruint it," Yoongi pouted. Jungkook smiled, a real, genuine, gummy smile. It was going to be a long road for recovery, but with the support of his Hyungs and fans, he knew he would probably make it through alive…
Probably…