I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
Hello,
Yes, it's me, well not in the flesh, obviously, just my scrappy handwriting.
I know, weird way to tell you everything, yes, but this way lets me be myself without letting any tears out.
I know you'll blame yourself for this, but please, don't. You may think that it is your fault, but it's not. I want to make this a happy experience for you even though I know it won't. You know how we used to play that game Lucy? The one where you would have to guess, um, twenty questions! Do you remember? Well I want to play it right now.
Guess what I am thinking about at this moment?
No, not how much it is going to hurt, I can handle pain, and you know that. I am thinking about the first time I told you I loved you, it was down the by the river, the one with the green bench. I still remember how nervous I was, my palms were sweating and it was in the middle of winter. I remember your cute face and how it scrunched up when I said those three words, you started laughing and I thought you were laughing at me. You weren't. You kissed me as well, it made my knees weak, and it was beautiful.
Guess what item I am holding?
No, nothing that can harm me, I wouldn't do that. I'm holding that card you gave me on Valentine's Day, the one you drew. I remember you saying you couldn't afford a lavish card and I laughed when you said lavished, I told you no one says that anymore. You giggled and gave me it, it was definitely one of those Kodak moments. Too bad we didn't have a camera. You didn't know how much that card meant to me, a lot. I kept it, now I am holding it to my bare chest.
Guess what emotion I am feeling?
No, not depressed. I have never felt that. I am feeling, well, happy. I know you will tilt your head when you read this, like you always do when you're confused. But the honest truth right now is, I am happy, content to know where I will be going no longer than a couple of minutes. I know your probably crying right now, but can I ask a favour? Smile.
Guess whose face will be in my mind as I jump?
No, not Oprah's, I never got why you thought I should think of him. You, your face is going to be my saviour as I leap off this high bridge. You have probably guessed where I am right now, yea, I'm down by the harbour, its cold Lucy, really cold. My feet and lips are blue, oh and I'm not wearing any shirt, only because you always liked me without one, you were the only one that could tell me I was beautiful.
Guess what I am doing right now?
No, not fixing my hair as you always think I do. I am standing; my hands are shaky Lucy, very shaky. I am nervous, just like the first time we had sex. Yea, I remember everything from that night, every singly fucking thing Lucy. I told you, you were beautiful everytime. I remember you let a tear fall, I thought it was from pain, but you reassured me that it was because of love. It was because you knew this was right no matter how wrong it was. It was fucking right.
I'm going to go now Lucy, I know that was only five questions, but you always used to guess it before I reached twenty. Promise you will never forget me? I definitely won't forget you. My time has just come Lucy, now, right now. I am going to leave this letter with my ring, well your ring, but none-the-less I will leave it with you. Wow, the tears are coming now Lucy, I didn't think they would, but they are. Please, please let my siblings know how much they mean to me and please tell Mum and Dad they didn't go wrong with raising me. This is just how it has to be.
I was never the one for saying goodbye, and you know that Lucy. But I was never the one to not say goodbye, I will forever love you.
Goodbye.
-Jay.
Jay looks down at the surging water below him; he looks over at the letter and curls it into a cylinder and slides it through the ring. He kisses it and places it in a groove in the rail. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, letting his last moments on earth count. He grabs the rails and lets his bare back face the water.
He lets his hands go and feels himself getting airborne. His arms and legs are stretched out and he has a smile on his face, he finally feels the ice cold water piercing his pale skin as he is overcome by darkness.