Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last fic! Here's another one-parter for you all. :-)
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Why is it that you only realise what you want when it's too late? When you're past the moment of being able to change things, of being able to make the right choice?
I've done so many things in my life that I've wished I hadn't. So many things that if I'd been clever enough to stop and think about that I surely would have ran in the opposite direction. Who would have thought that the day would finally come when I was cautious, when I stopped to do the right thing but in the end, still suffered the consequences? Well that day had been and gone. Now I'm left all alone, praying that things will somehow change, that I will be able to turn the clock back.
"I've watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can't believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There's a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground…"
I don't know why I reacted in the way that I did. I suppose it was because I'd never been in that situation before; although that doesn't excuse my behaviour. I sincerely hope that I can be forgiven for being a stupid, selfish bitch. Partly it was the shock. Partly it was the surprise. But mainly, it was my damn stupidity. There was no need for me to react in the way that I did. Pulling away from Jo has to be the worst mistake I've ever made.
"In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet…"
Yes, that's what I did. Don't ask me why; don't even ask me how the situation came about. One minute we were standing there and the next…well the next she was staring at me. I suppose I should have recognised the look in her eyes; especially seeing as it was the way I'd looked at her so many times before. When she pressed her mouth against mine I just froze. I didn't react to the kiss for several seconds; until I pulled away. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't even have an inkling that Jo had feelings for me, so it was literally a bolt out of the blue. The look on her face when I took a step back though was enough to tear your heart to shreds. She looked…broken. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Thinking back I must have looked confused. I'm guessing that she mistook that confusion for dismay.
"I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond…"
God this is so messed up.
Why? Why did I hurt her in the way I have?
Even if I try and apologise tomorrow; things will never be the same. She'll think I'm trying to be nice to her because I pity her. There's no way I can make her see just how much she means to me. If I try and kiss her she'll think I'm patronising her; acting like someone that I'm not. If I told her the truth, why would she believe it? I can see her going in to work tomorrow and acting as if nothing's happened. She'll treat me the way she usually does; in a professional manner. Come to think of it, right up until she kissed me today she acted completely professionally. Like I keep saying, it was a total surprise.
"I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon
I'm pushing an elephant up the stairs
I'm tossing up punch lines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground…"
I keep replaying the scene inside my head over and over again. Not that it's doing me any good. In fact, it only serves to make me feel even worse than I already do. I've tried concentrating on other things, tried to make myself think of anything but Jo. I can't though. It's like I'm addicted to her, to what I could have had. No matter how hard I try to persuade myself otherwise, I know that we could have been good together. A moment's hesitation, a moment in the wrong direction and I've lost what I never even had in the first place.
How can I change things? How can I even go in to work tomorrow and face her?
I know that I have to. I know that the alternative is hiding away here; which let's face it, I couldn't do forever. Yes, I could pretend that nothing has happened. The problem is, we both know that it has. No amount of vodka, that I have in the bottle in front of me is going to make me forget that. No amount of, "I'm sorry's" will either. It's a no win situation. A situation that is all down to me, and my ability to make a quick decision.
"I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great beyond…"
A correct, quick decision, I should add. Instead it was just a plain stupid choice that I made. Well done, Nixon; you've managed to surpass yourself yet again. I don't know how it happened to me. How I went from being an intelligent woman, to someone without an ounce of common sense. Honestly, I feel like banging my head against a brick wall, turn myself into the person I used to be; once again. I certainly don't like the way I've become; that's for sure.
Is this even about Jo anymore? It seems as if it's about my utter failure in life to achieve what I want to. Yes, I have a career that I love. Did I bring my daughter up the way I'd always anticipated I would? No. Don't get me wrong, Abi is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Nevertheless, I certainly didn't imagine that she'd have a baby by a complete psychopath, and end up a single mum. Sometimes life has a habit of kicking you right in the face. It seems that I receive more kicks than anyone else. Even if part of it is my fault, surely it can't all be down to me?
"I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons
I'm keeping flowers in full bloom
I'm looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers…"
Who knows?
Who cares?
Maybe I should just reinvent myself before it's too late. If I showed everybody a different side to me things would be different. Maybe if I showed Jo who I was, it wouldn't be too late. So many maybe's, but so few definitely's. It looks like I'm just going to have to take a chance. I have nothing to lose, and so much to gain.
Like a life.
Like Jo.
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