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Conundrum. Noun. 1: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun. 2a: a question or problem having only a conjectural answer, b: an intricate and difficult problem
Sara should have laughed at the ridiculousness of it all, but she couldn't laugh because it wasn't funny. His last words to her had been I'll miss you, but she wondered if Grissom had considered that while the words were meant to comfort her, that they'd hurt her deeply instead. They didn't have a conventional relationship that was certain, but she had assumed that when it came to huge decisions that might affect the future course of this evidently tenuous relationship that he would have at least given her the consideration of being involved in the process. Apparently, she was wrong. Long ago he'd instilled in all of his CSIs to assume nothing, but to follow the evidence instead. So here she was mulling over the fragile evidence of their relationship.
No one knew about them. Grissom had thought that it would be better this way; there would be no repercussions on their careers, no one to call into question their professional judgment if they worked a case together. Of course that also meant that she was left trying to hold herself together on the outside while she felt like her world was dissolving on the inside. She was angry at him; not just for leaving, but for not having enough confidence in their relationship to tell her about the invitation he'd gotten until just a few days before he'd planned to leave. That fact alone made her call into question everything that she had assumed about them as a couple. She had poured her whole heart into being with him, and thought he'd done the same. But again, she was wrong. Taking a mental step back she began to categorically analyze the situation. He didn't want anyone to know about them. He'd never actually said that he loved her. He never promised that he'd be faithful to her. He had left no evidence of himself at her apartment, as if guarding this secret part of him was more important than what they'd supposedly found together.
She began to wonder if perhaps she was the biggest fool of all; to think that a man that she'd been quite nearly obsessed with for years actually loved her and wanted to be with her. The thought occurred to her that maybe he'd just finally given in to her in a moment of weakness and had acquiesced to her. But if he'd done that, why did he stay with her? And why did he choose to leave? Sure it was only four weeks, but it was four week nevertheless and she was supposed to carry on as if things were perfectly normal.
To hell with him; she was the one that had to carry on as if she was perfectly fine. How fair was that? She didn't begrudge him time away from the lab; he was devoted, he deserved a break now and then, but she begrudged the fact that he seemed to want a break from her and hadn't been man enough to tell her. She hadn't taken the news about his sabbatical well at all. She had blown up at him and told him that if he left she just might not be waiting for him when he got back. In all of the relationships she'd ever had, she'd never given that sort of ultimatum before. But then, she'd never doubted someone as much as she doubted Gil Grissom just then. They had hardly spoke three words to each other after that until he'd come to say goodbye in the locker room and she was no closer to knowing where she stood with him than she had right after he'd told her that he was leaving.
Perhaps there was something to be said for being a free spirit again. She had four weeks to figure out what she really wanted; did she still want Gil Grissom? Right now she wasn't sure. She hadn't heard from him at all and it had been nearly two weeks; the halfway point. So why did that worry her? If he really missed her, wouldn't he make the time to call her?
A soft voice broke into her thoughts. "You having second thoughts about this, Sara?" Nick Stokes looked at her with concern etched on his face. He had roped Sara, Warrick, and Greg into pursuing some leads on a case that Catherine had been a little too quick to pull the plug on with their newest edition Michael Keppler and he knew that all of them could face disciplinary action if Catherine caught wind of it.
"Uh, yeah, I mean, no, I'm fine," She knew she probably didn't look fine; she'd been staring at the same file for while now.
"You're sure?" Nick looked a bit doubtful. Of course, Sara hadn't been herself now for a couple of weeks so maybe it was something else.
"About this, yes, I'm sure," Sara let out a sigh as she gestured at the files spread out between them.
"Are you ok?" Nick looked truly concerned about her. He might not have put the pieces together until just that second, but maybe just maybe her newfound funk had something to do with the departure of their boss.
Sara hesitated, Grissom had wanted them to be a secret; the problem was, she couldn't do this by herself anymore and she couldn't think of anyone at CSI that she trusted more than Nick. She let out a sigh and looked him in the eyes. "What would you say if I told you that working this case with you behind Catherine's back isn't the only thing that I've done that might call my ethics into question?"
Nick studied her carefully; he wasn't really sure what Sara was implying. He offered her a soft smile as the gears in his mind started to churn away, "I'd say that you probably aren't the only one."
Sara appreciated his comment, but she was sure that he'd never slept with their boss, "I've been seeing Grissom." The direct approach seemed to be the best approach although judging from the expression on Nick's face it also probably needed a little clarification. "Romantically."
"I got what you meant," Nick wasn't sure if he should be surprised, but he was surprised that he was disappointed in her.
Sara's voice was an earnest whisper, "He didn't tell me he was taking a sabbatical until a few days before he planned to leave." The hurt was so clear in her voice that it seemed to permeate the small office they were working in.
Nick's face clouded and a fiercely protective feeling surged through him as he carefully considered what to say; his mouth seemed to have other ideas, "Shit." That wasn't exactly the well thought out response he was looking for, but it certainly did cut to the chase of his disgust with how he'd felt Grissom had treated Sara for years.
"I don't know if the break he needed was from the lab or if it was from me," Sara searched Nick's face for some sort of reassurance that Grissom was an idiot and that she was going to be just fine with or without him.
Nick's brows knit together as he regarded his friend, "Sara, why do you put up with this?" He was sure that Grissom had valid reasons for taking a sabbatical, and quite frankly it was refreshing to see the man do something other than be a workaholic, but the bug man was clueless when it came to how a relationship was supposed to work; and while he claimed he wasn't a people person, that didn't automatically buy him an out in the area of romance. Case in point was Sara.
So many rationalizations sailed through Sara's mind, but she realized that her friend Nick would recognize the holes in any of them, so she let out another sigh and sat back in her chair. "Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I feel like I've invested so much in being with him that to let it go seems like failure."
"It's not supposed to be this hard," Nick raised an eyebrow at her as he continued, "You can't quantify relationships like data." He knew that she tended to approach things logically, although dating their boss was completely illogical, not to mention unethical no matter how they might feel about each other.
"I know that," another sigh and she pressed her fingertips to her forehead. "The fact that he didn't say anything to me about leaving until he was ready to pack a suitcase makes me wonder if I mean anything to him at all." Perhaps she was overstating things, but she was feeling his abandonment rather keenly at the moment and the conclusion that she was naturally coming to was that if he decided tomorrow to pack up and take a trip around the world that he might leave in exactly the same manner as he had for his sabbatical on the other side of the country. She had plenty of vacation time banked, if she'd known about his decision earlier she might have put in for some so that she could go with him. It was that thought that kept cycling through her head. He didn't want to be with her.
"With Grissom it's hard to say," Nick didn't want to give her all sorts of false hopes, but it was certainly possible that Grissom was having second thoughts about his relationship with Sara. With no delineation between work and home, a man as used to solitude as Grissom might have difficulty adjusting to being with a woman like Sara. Or it just might not have even occurred to him that he should have said something to her when he'd first learned of the teaching opportunity.
That really wasn't what Sara wanted to hear, but it was the truth and part of this sabbatical for Grissom had become her sabbatical from Grissom to think about the future of their relationship; if there was going to be any future to it at all. Sara looked directly at Nick, "Would you ever deliberately keep a relationship a secret?"
"He didn't," The shock was palpable on Nick's face and he considered not for the first time that Sara deserved to be treated better than this.
"He did; he insisted that it was the only way we could make it work; and I fell for it," sadness spread across Sara's face like a cloud. "I just can't do this anymore, Nick."
"You want to break up with him?" Nick wanted to clarify what she meant; he didn't think that Sara was the type to become suicidal over a failed relationship, but you couldn't be too careful.
She nodded and then shook her head, not really sure what she wanted, "I guess some people just aren't meant to be together." Her own memory of those words being spoken not that long ago rang in her ears. It seemed that although she and Grissom had been inexplicably drawn to one another, and other than a few stolen rays of sunshine in an otherwise bleak landscape, it just didn't seem to be working. Her sadness threatened to swallow her whole.
"Then that means that they're meant for someone else." Nick smiled at her. She was worth so much more than she gave herself credit for and someday the right guy would come along for her and he would know that you can't keep a diamond hidden away from the world when it was meant to shine in love's light. Who knew, maybe he just might get to be that lucky guy.
"Thanks, Nick, I think I needed to hear that." As Nick's words began to sink in, Sara felt a faint smile tugging at the corners of her mouth and she felt something that she hadn't felt in weeks begin to burn in her heart.
Hope.
The End