Title: Painful Reflections (1/1)
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Come on, if I owned any of these characters, would I be begging anyone to please read my stories? Sadly, Buffy and co. are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The WB, and whoever else holds rights. That includes Doug Petrie, who wrote "The Yoko Factor" and David Fury for "Primevil." I'm just borrowing them for my own twisted pleasure for the moment. K.O.???
Summary: Xander's thoughts as he lay in his bed during the beginning of "Primevil."
Spoilers: Major spoilers for the episodes "The Yoko Factor" and "Primevil"
Distribution: If you want it, go ahead. Just let me know.
Feedback: OK, I've had my first taste of feedback and it's like a drug. I'm addicted. Don't cut me off.
Oh my god! What happened last night? My mind keeps replaying the previous evening's events. It is slow torture, but I can't make it stop. The things that they said, that I said. How could they? Both Buffy and Willow abandoned me when they went to college. They left me behind and they have the nerve to be mad at me? What did I do?
I have never felt this bad. Well, maybe when Buffy rejected me back during sophomore year. But this was different. It hurt...a dull ache deep inside. At least back then we were able to stay friends. But this time...the things we all said. I can feel my world crumble away. Maybe not literally, but give it time. This is the hellmouth. Feelings can be manifested in physical ways. So maybe the ground will open up and swallow me up. Oh please do! Don't let me stay here and feel like this. I lost both of my best friends in a matter of minutes. How did that happen?
It was only yesterday when Spike told me that both Willow and Buffy thought I should join the army. I mean, sure I was all Commando Guy that one Halloween, but does that mean I should enlist to save the world from unspeakable monsters? I thought that was what I did here by helping Buffy. While at Giles, I decided not to mention what Peroxide Boy had said. If the girls weren't going to tell me to my face, then why make things worse? But then things went crazy and words were flung like weapons. The words hurt me more than anything else ever could.
"You're not going, Xander." I could still hear Buffy's words. We were at Giles' apartment, preparing to go after Adam the Superfreak. I had helped many times before. I was "key guy" and she was telling me I couldn't go? "Y...you'd get hurt."
"Oh OK. You and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here." If she and Willow wanted to leave me behind, it wouldn't be the first time. And I wasn't alone.
But Buffy told Willow that she couldn't go either. She was going alone. Now that was a stupid idea. Buffy only put herself in more danger when she went by herself. I can still remember the sheer terror I felt when I heard that she had gone to face the Master alone. If I had been a few minutes later...
I can't move. It hurts too much. But I can't stop the memories. And those hurt more. There had been so much anger. It had filled the room. I was so tense last night. But the words we said, we could never take them back.
"This is so stupid." I know Buffy wasn't calling me stupid. Well, I know that now, in retrospect. But at that moment...
"Stupid? So you finally have the guts to say it to my face?"
"I didn't say you were stupid! So..." I don't blame her for getting frustrated that I misinterpreted her meaning, but then she continued. "Stop being an idiot and let me fix this!" How was she going to fix this? It was too late.
I have been called an idiot before. My own father has called me much worse things. But that one word hurt more coming from her than any other name I had ever been called in the past. Normally, I'd make a joke to mask the pain, but this time, I just couldn't. The love of my life, my best friend, called me an idiot.
Through all the memories that invade my mind, I can hear a door close.
"Xander?" Oh, it's Anya. I had hoped...just maybe... "You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning." She lifts the cover and I feel a cool draft on my body. Oh, she's still talking. "...interview you if you're naked."
Point to the ex-demon. I don't want to go anywhere. I can't risk seeing them, not after last night. We said too much. "I'm not going. There's never anything good." Besides, I can't bear to see them now. Maybe ever again. "Maybe I should join the army."
"Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?" Leave it to my girlfriend to crush my one slim chance to find hope. Hope to escape the memories. And the pain.
"Oh yeah." I pull the covers over my head. I can block out the light, why can't I block out the memories? "Never mind."
Anya pulls the covers from my face. Doesn't she realize I'm hurting here? "Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago! Get over it."
How? How can I erase the past? How can I go back in time and take back the words? We were all so angry. It had been building for some time, but we had been oblivious. I mean, I knew we all had problems, but when did they get so bad we no longer talked to each other about them? Oh yeah, when they went off to college and left me behind.
"You guys, stop this!" Buffy had sounded so hurt. "What happened to you today?"
Willow's voice was tinged with anger. And pain. So much pain. "It's not today, Buffy! Thing's have been wrong for awhile. Don't you see that?"
"What do you mean wrong?"
"Well, they certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it. You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend."
I just had to put my two cents in. "No! It was bad before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me! Just left me in the basement to..." What had Willow said? "Tara's your girlfriend?" Why was I always the last to know?
"Bloody hell!" Well, at least I wasn't the only one left in the dark.
But my girlfriend now seemed to think I should get over it. Maybe she's right. Stop wallowing in my pain. But she didn't know. She couldn't know. "Anya, you...forget it." I couldn't explain it in words she would understand.
She couldn't understand. "So they all think you're a lost, directionless loser with no plans for a future? Pffft!" Way to cheer me up, honey.
"Anya, you can't pffft that stuff away." Boy, how I wish I could!
"Why not?"
"I don't know." I remember one of the last things Buffy had said last night.
"No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go! All of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe! Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way of killing Adam!" She had a point, but how do I explain that to Anya?
"Cuz I think maybe they're right." Anya sighs and lies on my chest.
"So what if they are? You're a good person and a good boyfriend and...and I'm in love with you." Hey, she's doing pretty good now. "Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter."
"Yeah." But all I can hear is Buffy.
"So...I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about the Chosen One...and her friends." She had said that so quiet and serious. "If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on." And she had walked out the door.
"Yeah." I try to assure Anya. "It doesn't matter." But it does. It matters a lot. Because of the words. They can't be erased and now it's too late.