Just Tell Me

I rouse rabble

Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the show nor the song is mine.

Author's Notes: Takes place in the days following the pool hall incident.

He doesn't know what to expect as she leads him out of the pool hall. He doesn't know if she's mad at Evan, or if she wants him back, or if she's just horny. He knows nothing and hopes for everything and tries to prepare for the worst.

He thinks it's the worst when he feels her climb out of bed entirely too early in the morning but he continues to feign sleep as she gets dressed. He finally speaks when she's about to walk out the door and he finds he can't bear to let her go without hearing her say something, anything. He suggests breakfast and cuddling and tries to remind her how good it was last night, and he does it jokingly, so it won't hurt when she rejects him, and he knows she will. He's got that feeling in the pit of his stomach, the same one he got when she told him she needed to talk to him a few days after the Greek Ball. The feeling deepens as she vocalizes his worst fears: a one time thing, a fond trip down memory lane, and, as far as she's concerned, a dirty little secret that no one can ever find out about. He's savagely pleased when he hears the applause of the boys downstairs, because it means she won't get exactly what she wants, and he's even more pleased when he finds out Spitter cracked Evan upside the head with a pledge paddle.

It's nearly twenty fours since he ran into Casey at the pool hall when she drags Evan over to him and Spitter at Dobblers, and he realizes that he was wrong this morning. Seeing them together, hearing her try to make amends because Evan is "a big part" of her life is a million times worse. He can't stand the look on Evan's face as he tries to make things normal, and he's glad to see the tequila spray all over it, wiping away that ridiculous fake smile.

He has trouble falling asleep that night, his senses betraying him. The bed's entirely too hot, except for the spot where her body rested last night. The pillow still smells of her shampoo, the same one she used freshman year. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her nodding in the pool hall. Worse than all the rest were the words echoing in his ears. Her moans from last night mingled with her words from this morning and from the bar. He jumps from the bed quickly, as though it burns him, and he stands at the window for a long while. If he angles his head just right, he can see the ZBZ house. There's a light burning in one of the windows and he'd like to think it's hers. For the first time since he'd dabbled with teenage rebellion in high school (dropping it when he realized his parents didn't care anyway), he longs for a cigarette. He turns away from the window and climbs into bed. He pulls off the covers and avoids the side where she slept, but he still can't fall asleep.

When morning comes, he goes to make breakfast. The only food they have in the house is eggs and the idea of eating omelets makes him sick. He slams the door of the fridge and heads to the coffee stand instead. The campus is slowly coming to life, unlucky kids stumbling to their eight o'clock classes, but he pays them no mind. He's carrying his drink and his breakfast sandwich back to the house when he sees her leaving Omega Chi. It's nothing like when she left KT. She doesn't try to hide her departure and she doesn't look like she just made a huge mistake. But she looks just as tired as she did when she left his room, and he can't stop himself from imagining what she was doing instead of sleeping. He hurries past her before she can see him and dumps his breakfast, untouched, in the garbage.

He returns to his room and gets back into bed for a while. The tiredness is hitting him but he still can't keep his eyes closed, despite his best efforts. He even considers going to a physics lecture just to get some shut-eye but tosses that idea away as quickly as it comes.

He heads to the bathroom instead, hoping a hot shower will clear away whatever is lingering in his head. The shower sooths and refreshes him but doesn't chase away the thoughts of her and he heads back to his room, defeated. He resists the urge to make his bed and sweep the floor and put away the clothes that litter every surface of his room. Doing that would be admitting defeat and even though he was going slowly insane, he wasn't ready to do that just yet.

So he heads downstairs and challenges Beaver to a Mario Kart tournament. He's always Yoshi and Beaver's always Princess Peach and he always wins. Today's no exception, and, even better, dodging banana peels and green shells and the rest distracts him for a few hours. He begins to feel normal again. It's just like the last time he let himself get burned by her: he just needs a few hours to get over it and everything's back to normal.

That night, though, he still can't sleep. He stares at the ceiling and waits for the hours to pass. The sky slowly lightens, the light filtering in from the windows. It did that two nights ago, too. They'd stayed up most of the night, and in the slight light from the windows, their tangled limbs were indistinguishable. She looked up at him and she was certain that she felt it too, that she, like him, felt complete for the first time in years.

That memory carries him throughout the night. The knowledge that it's not one-sided, that he's not crazy is all he needs until morning. And when the sun starts shining brightly in the window, he jumps out of bed and hurries into the shower. He pulls on jeans and a button down shirt and shoves his feet into a pair of beat up brown shoes. It's fairly early and it's quiet as he makes his way down the road to the ZBZ. He doesn't bother with the front door, wanting to avoid seeing any of the girls there. If this doesn't go the way it should, and there's a fairly good chance it won't, he doesn't want the entire Greek system to know he got rejected. Again.

He comes in through her open balcony door. The room is empty. A look at Ashleigh's schedule, tacked up on the wall, tells him that she's got one class after another today. Spitter mentioned meeting his sister for breakfast, their once-weekly meal, so there's nothing to do but sit and wait for her to get back. He knows he has to do this, but he's still terrified when he hears her key turn in the lock. For the first time, it occurred to him that she might have brought Rusty back to her room or worse yet; she might have met up with Evan along the way. It was too late to worry about that, though, because the door was opening.

She's surprised to find herself in the pool hall. She tells herself she just needs to get away, but her body betrays her by being on high alert the second she hears his voice. She can see every comment he makes from a mile away, and she walks into each one. She lets him win and kisses him and leads him back to his room. She does all of this without letting herself think about the reasons too much. She knows that she's getting back at Evan, but she refuses to think about why she's using this particular method.

The next morning she wakes up and for a moment, she's happier than she's been in a long time. But as she realizes where she is and whom she's with, she gets out of bed as quietly as possible. She tells herself it's because she doesn't want to have that awkward morning conversation, but she knows she's lying, deep down, that she doesn't want to have to look at the expression on his face when she tells him it's a one time thing and says goodbye.

When she passes the living room, she's greeted by applause and cat calls, as though the KT boys had a house meeting specifically to ensure that she couldn't maintain her dignity as she left. She's embarrassed by the attention, but even worse, she's almost ashamed when she sees the knowing smiles on Beaver and Wade's faces. She beats a hasty exit and tries to forget about everything that's happened. Deep down, she's almost glad when she realized her little brother's been arrested for beating her boyfriend. She can't think about an ill-advised rendezvous with an ex-boyfriend when she's got so much else to deal with.

And as annoyed as she is at Rusty, she can't help but be a little proud and a little touched and a little impressed. She's never would have thought that he would have had it in him to take on someone Evan's size, especially for her. She's also more than a little ashamed of herself. Her little brother was defending her honor and she is making excuses and staying with someone who'd cheated on her.

Nonetheless, she enjoys her dinner with Evan. She watches his face as he slowly realizes that she, too, slept with someone else. She wonders what he'd say if he knew who it was the slept with. It wasn't just any guy, after all, and though she tells herself she picked him because he'd make Evan the angriest, she doesn't share his name either. She keeps the encounter private. It was hers and his alone.

That night they're at the bar so Evan and Rusty can make amends. She knows he's annoyed by it but there's nothing she can do about the matter. This is for the presidency, after all. Still, she watches his face as he picks up the shot glasses and she knows he's up to something. He moves closer to her, behind Evan, and though he's a respectable distance away, she still feels him and her heart beats faster. She hides a smile as Rusty spits tequila all over Evan's face, and she knows that Rusty is neither surprised nor truly sorry about it.

They leave soon after, Evan still smelling of the alcohol. They return to the Omega Chi house and she makes awkward small talk with the brothers as he cleans up. As soon as he's done, he whisks her away upstairs and leads her to his bedroom. He leans down to kiss her and she pulls away quickly. She pretends it's because Evan still smells of liquor or that she keeps picturing him with Rebecca, but it's not true. She can't touch Evan when there's something so much bigger around. And so they watch TV instead. His arm is around her but she barely feels it. She stares out the window and wonders what's happening at the KT house, what he's doing. She's deep enough in her thoughts that she doesn't feel Evan's grip slacken or his arm fall away as he falls asleep. Once she realizes she is free, however, she walks to the window, tracing his name and hers over and over on the glass. She doesn't sleep that night.

The next day, as she's leaving the Omega Chi, she thinks she sees him. But if it is him, he says nothing so neither does she. Instead she heads back to her dorm and wonders why she's so shaken by the mere sight of him. She goes through the motions of a normal day, class and ZBZ business and agreeing with whatever Frannie says. But she's distracted and unfocused and her mind keeps wandering back to being with him. She can't help but focus on this small little nothing moment, one she's certain he must have forgotten about. There was a moment where they sat together on his bed, blue light pooling all around them, and she realized she felt at peace. She wasn't running around or pretending to be someone she's not. She was just herself.

That night she can't sleep again. She's distracted by thoughts of him, by wondering if the presidency was really worth it all. The sky is turning pink with the rising sun before she makes a decision. She gets up earlier than she needs to and takes an extra-long shower, trying to keep herself awake all the while. She's barely slept in three days.

She doesn't talk much at breakfast. She wants to tell Rusty her decision but she's afraid. She lets him yammer on about his roommate and his classes and his fraternity while she picks at her omelet. Finally, after nearly an hour, they part ways and she heads back to her room to get ready. She unlocks the door, nervous for some strange reason, and opens it. And there he is, looking like he belongs there.

She opens her mouth to ask what he's doing, but he stands up and starts talking before she can get one word out.

"Look, I know I kind of broke in, but your door was unlocked. You should work on that; it's really not safe. You'll get all kinds of riff raff coming in here." She again opens her mouth, and he cuts her off once more. "I know, I know, 'what are you doing here, I told you the other night didn't mean anything' blah blah blah. And I know I keep stopping you from talking to me, but I knew you were gonna lie to me anyway, so I figure it doesn't really matter."

She finally gets a chance to speak. "What do you mean, lie?"

"You lie to me all the time, Case. You lied when you said that it was over. You lied when you said you dumped me. Oh, I know you said the words, but you did it because I made you. And the biggest lie you ever told was when you told me the other night didn't mean anything cause I know for a fact it did."

She sighs and rests her hand on the back of her desk chair. "Look, Cap. I know that you might still have feelings for me, but that night with you? It was just me getting even with Evan. I'm sorry."

He shakes his head and stands up from the bed. He walks over to you and puts either hand around yours on the chair back. "Look me in the eye and say that. Look me and the eye and say that you haven't been thinking about me since that night, even when you're with him." A thousand memories rush up. Evan trying to kiss her and you shrinking away, remembering the feel of rough fingers against her spine, a hot mouth on her own, a face pressed into her hair and neck and a million promises of love whispered in her ear.

"So what? What do you want me to say? Yes, I've been thinking about how I cheated on my boyfriend."

He snaps his head back, as though he'd been hit, but makes no move to step away from her. "That's another lie."

"What are you talking about?"

"You didn't cheat on your boyfriend. Evan cheated on you. You just… gave in."

She's annoyed now, because he's assuming all of these things. She's even more annoyed that he's right. "So, what, Cappie? What do you want from me?"

He looks her straight in the eye and she almost shirks under the intensity of his stare. "Just tell me it's affecting you like it is me. Just tell me it's tearing you apart, just tell me that you cannot sleep."

She opens her mouth to make another denial but stops herself, realizing there's no point anymore. He can always tell when she's lying, and what's more, she's tired of lying to herself. Suddenly exhausted, she sits down on the ground. He kneels next to her, immediately concerned. All thoughts of their conversation go flying out the window. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just exhausted. You're right I haven't been sleeping much. Or, at all really," she mumbles, stifling a yawn. With infinite gentleness and care, he picks her up and lays her on the bed. He climbs in next to her, pulling her close, and she can't help but compare it to how Evan's arm felt the other night. Now, every nerve ending is tingling as he slowly strokes small circles into her shoulder, and she can't imagine Evan ever making her feel like this. It's that more than anything else that gives her the courage to say her next words.

"You're right. Everything you said is right. I haven't been myself since we were together. No, that's wrong. I haven't been myself since we broke up and ZBZ became my entire life. And ever since the other night, I've been myself again but it felt wrong because now I'm living this whole other life and I just want to be me again. I want to be me and I want to be with you." She said it all very quickly, her sleep-deprived mind providing no verbal filter. She wasn't sure she even made sense.

He's silent for a second, and she looks up at him. He looks like he's struggling with a decision, but he shakes his head as though he doesn't really care one way or another anymore, and he leans down and kisses her. "No problem, Case."

And now she's really torn. She can't tell what she wants to do more, fall asleep here in his arms, or celebrate their reunion in a more… active way. A soft snore from her right tells her the decision's been made for her and she snuggles in close to him. She's okay with that. For now.