Disclaimer: Me do not ownie Batman, so I like to politely ask that no one report me and have me arrested. OK? Alright, we now return to your scheduled program.
CHAPTER ONE: The Bat Jingle
For the first few years donning the cowl, Bruce had gotten used to the type of popularity the media capitalized on him. He seen the Batman toy merchandise on display windows at shops, the many Batman-brand products on aisles inside stores, and even some Batman-based comics on library shelves. Bruce didn't bat an eye from the get-go, mostly because he could care less about businesses wanting to make a profit off his alter-ego. Although outrageous, he knew any probable results of his night crusades were inevitable. It was pointless to take offense toward these actions; they weren't harming anyone or being used for despicable gains (don't worry-he doubled checked!). And the people, especially the children, seemed to enjoy them. So Bruce left it at that.
Soon enough, something derived from the media did came across Bruce, and he became personally affected by it. There was a live-action series that aired on TV weekly called "Batman". Long story short, it was a campy crime show starring Batman and Robin who defends Gotham City from the Arkham criminals, just like in real life except exaggerated to play for laughs. Bruce's reception of the show (which he found silly and understating to the actual issues in Gotham) was eclipsed by the fast growing fanbase. One of the many fans of the Batman show was none other than Dick Grayson, who made it a religious routine to watch the afternoon episodes every Monday and Friday before heading out on patrol. Now, Bruce was not bothered by that. After all, Dick was a kid, and as his guardian Bruce wanted his childhood to be happy one, which was why he always waited patiently on his partner until the show was done those nights. Furthermore, during those patrol nights Dick appeared more driven to complete their objectives without getting distracted. Bruce had to offer that show at least a smidge of credit, regardless of his own biased opinion.
What Bruce was bothered by arose one Friday night while they were on patrol. That night, Batman and Robin intervened a gang of grunts planning to do a kill and run on the Mayor who was staying overnight at the city hall, probably under Penguin's order. Once they escorted the Mayor to safety, Batman and Robin turned their attention back on the gang. Precisely at the moment when the brawl initiated, Robin burst into song.
"Nananananananananananananananananananananananana BATMAN!"
The theme song of the Batman show. He was literally singing the theme song. Not only that, every time the Dynamic Duo landed a hit on one of the grunts, Robin would exclaim a sound effect for each punch or kick.
" Bam!" "Kapow!" "Whack!" "Zock!" "Oof!" Boom!"
Then, every time Batman performed a clever maneuver to throw off the gang's a-game, Robin would cheer in a singsong voice.
"Batman! Batman! Batman!"
Around the time the two finished knocking the daylights out of the grunts, Robin repeated the beginning verse as a closing.
"Nananananananananananananananananananananananana BATMAN!"
And the objective was complete. The entire phenomena was quite odd, neither the grunts nor Batman saw it coming. Honestly, Bruce was a tad irritated that Dick brought up his enjoyment of that tv series in midst of a fight. Nevertheless, Bruce decided to brush it off. It was expected of Dick to be playful out on the field, a regular trademark of the Boy Wonder. In all likelihood, he wanted to make a light-hearted joke for his own amusement. Hence, after they called the GCPD to arrest the grunts and gathered evidence that might link Penguin to the orchestration of the crime, Batman and Robin headed straight back home with no complaints or lectures. It was a one-time thing, so there was nothing to worry about.
Boy, did Bruce miscalculated big time. Because that wasn't the end of it. Dick continued to pull the same antic every Monday night and Friday night, singing that obnoxious theme song in the middle of skirmishes with criminals. He kept making those ridiculous sound effects, except with much more resonance and oomph. If on those specific nights Robin happened to be tied up or stuck in a trap, then Dick would oblige to chant Batman's name over and over to help boost his partner's morale (note: it has an opposite effect). And he persisted to sing the finale when those nights were a success. Naturally the other patrol nights went on as usual, but god did Monday and Friday transformed into days of foreboding for Bruce. What's worse, the antic constantly distracted Batman's concentration from the task at hand right when the song begins. That damn stupid Batman show had gotten under Bruce's skin in a detrimental way, yet when he informed Alfred of the problem the butler merely chuckled. Chuckled, like it wasn't serious at all.
That was the last straw; Bruce had to put an end to it. He did not want to endure it any longer, the migraines were just too much. Bruce, no - Batman cannot allow such a vexing deflection to live any longer. The antic must die. So one afternoon, before that abomination of a show was to air, Bruce called Dick to his office for them to have a heart-to-heart discussion concerning the Batman show (who would've thought that Bruce would cringe at his own title). Bruce demanded that Dick ceased the antic on patrol, and also ceased singing the theme song in the morning and in the shower (yeah people, he did those as well). If Dick did not comply to Bruce's orders, then not only would he be prohibited from going out on patrol Mondays and Fridays, but he would be restricted from watching the show ever again. Bruce made sure of that by threatening to break every single TV set in Wayne Manor, and discard all of Dick's stuff relating to the show. The outcome settled to Bruce's favor. Of course, Dick broke into tears toward the threat of his own stuff being taken away, but eventually his ward obeyed to the terms.
With a single snap of the fingers, the antic stopped. No more songs sprung up in the heat of battle. No more blurted onomatopoeias for every single movement Batman made. No more cheerleader chants when Batman got the upper hand. No more loud singing at the rise of dawn or during frisky bubble baths. All patrol nights reverted to normal. The migraines gradually disappeared. The deed was done. Batman had slain the Bat Jingle, wiped it from existence. If Bruce wasn't such a shrewd, brooding introvert, he might've cried tears of joy that year. At long last...
Fast forward to 15 years later. A ton has changed since the early days of Batman's run. Dick had grown up and left his Robin title for his solo career as Nightwing. Bruce scarcely gets to see his eldest child as much as he used to, what with the former Dynamic Duo patrolling separately in different cities. A couple of occasions have emerged where the two find themselves in each other's company or working together again. True, nowadays Bruce and Dick tend to bicker and fight time to time, though they still, beyond doubt, bear that old rhythm of compatibility. The mantle of Robin proceeded to remain existent, having three other recipients in its lifetime. From Jason Todd to Tim Drake to Damian Wayne. The former two prospectively garnered their own identities as Red Hood and Red Robin, while the later currently carries on the title. And like Dick, Jason and Tim were also located at great distances dealing with their own operations. It's a rare case for Bruce and his children to all be in one place on one night. It's even more rare for the five of them to team up harmoniously. Yet, here they all are, advancing on an important mission tonight.
Once again, The Joker, The Penguin, and The Riddler opted to collaborate in unloading utter chaos upon Gotham. Knowing full well that they needed more hands on deck to absolutely foil the scout trio's plans, Nightwing urged Batman to request aid from Red Robin and Red Hood, in which Red Robin quickly agreed and Red Hood reluctantly agreed. The team managed to pinpoint their secret hideout at East Gotham. After formulating a strategy to take out the three criminals and their manpower, the five pressed forward to their destination on a Friday night. They had arrived to the outskirts of the secret hideout, which was a four story office building guarded by armed thugs at the entrance and rooftop. As predicted, there weren't any watchmen at the back end of the building, where the five happened to be. When Batman felt reassured that no eyes or cameras were observing from the building windows on each floor, He cued Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, and Robin to approach the building and unlatch the bolted doorway. They did it accordingly and quietly, which churned suspicion within Batman. He anticipated for the casual arguments amongst themselves or the short remarks to be thrown about. Instead, the team successfully unlatched the door, prompting Batman to enter and lead them inside. No words were said.
No words were said as they zipped through the hallway, or up the staircase, or when they halted on the second level where a load of thugs were occupying the hallways, indicating that The Joker, The Penguin, and The Riddler had to be behind one of the room doors. The time to take immediate action was nigh, Batman acknowledged that, and thus the team had to enact the tactic: Red Hood was to take care of the men on the first floor, Red Robin and Robin were given the third floor, and Nightwing had to deal with the fourth floor and rooftop. That left Batman to storm the second level head-on, alongside facing against the three criminals. Batman, swift like the wind, made the first move. He hurled a smoke bomb at the center of the hallway, blinding and confusing the armed thugs, and darted into the fumes. But just before Batman got one of them into a chokehold, something rebirthed into existence. Having yet to leave to their appointed floors, Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, and Robin burst into song.
"Nananananananananananananananananananananananana BATMAN!"
And every time Batman landed a hit on one of the thugs, the four exclaimed a sound effect for each punch or kick.
"Bang!" "Thwack!" "Pop!" "Slam" "Whap!"
And every time Batman performed a clever maneuver to throw off the men's a-game, the four cheered in a singsong voice.
"Batman! Batman! Batman!"
It manifested out of the blue, no alarm gave warning. What was previously a deceased memory was now resurrected in Bruce's mind. The theme song - the idiotic, mortifying, goofy theme song - returned with a vengeance. Bruce didn't know which was worse: the fact that Dick still remembered those days, or the fact that Dick relayed the antic to Jason, Tim, and Damian so that they can chime in. Dick must have orchestrated the entire thing, must have waited for the right moment, and must be smiling in a devilish manner behind Bruce's visual field. And for what? Well, in the old words of a Bruce Wayne who was naïve before the disaster struck, 'Dick wanted to make a light-hearted joke for his own amusement'. Physically, Batman resumed rendering the rest of the thugs unconscious without hesitation or difficulty. Mentally, Bruce drove all the way back to the batcave so that he could shroud himself in deep misery. For never was there a tale of more woe, than how the Batman was cursed by a Batman show.
I don't know if I'm easily distracted or lazy, but I have made my rebound. So this story will be a part of a one-shot compilation series called BATSH!T. I've been planning to post it for awhile but hey, better late than never. Some chapters are short so the process will be a lot faster here. Don't worry, I'm still working on the parodies and other stories I have on my profile. They won't be forgotten, but I appear to be unpredictable when it comes to update posts. Hehehe. Anyways, feel free to leave some comments on this chapter. Was it good, was it bad, or was it weird? Two or more reviews are enough encouragement for me to carry on, the readers are my motivators after all. Damn, this author note is dragging, I'm gonna get the hell outta here! Thanks for reading!