You promised me
"Damn it, Dean ... You promised me!" "Why just couldn't you let me die?" "Because you couldn't stand it that you not able to save me?" "And now?" "Blame myself that I don't find a way to stop it ... to save you?"
"Do you remember?"
"You wanted to protect me, be with me ... forever."
"Because you had seen you forever as a failure?"
"For ever had quarreled with you?"
"Not fulfilled your mission?"
"Because you didn't want to live without me?"
"Do you honestly believe you had your mission accomplished?"
"Have you thought of me ... just a second?"
"Thought of that I'm now the one who must alone ... continue to live without you?"
"Or how I shall manage that?"
"Or that I could be the one who would blame myself?"
"No way to bring you back."
Exhausted I break down at my brother's grave which was marked only by a simple wooden cross on the small clearing. Here I had taken valediction ... here I had refused to burn you. Our father would probably deemed that as reckless and careless. But he was dead too and I had not the heart to do this. Even Bobby couldn'tt change my mind. I wanted that your body remained, if there was a way to get you back. Maybe I had hoped to see you again as a ghost at least. But that was never happened.
No matter how many times I came here ... and it was practically every free moment ... no matter how much I yelled, cried or prayed ... nothing had changed ... I was left alone.
My throat hurt from yelling now. That and the growing lump in my throat let me stop yelling.
Even if you're not really here. Even if you can't hear me. It gave me at least the feeling you're close to me
Even if I lied to myself.
I had spent the last few months in a trance, had continued fighting, continued hunting and spent my nights in some motel rooms. All the same , because I was and still be a Winchester. But without you, the obligation of our family became more and more to a curse. Or maybe it had always been. More than once I had tried to escape this family business. But in the end I was always on the side of my family, at your side. Because you were all that I had left just as I was all that you had left.
"I'm always there for you, Sammy ... I will always watching out for you. Promise! "
Again and again I hear your words, as clearly as if you were standing next to me. Words they had meant everything to me and now were just simple words that I couldn't forget.
Since you're dead I'm feeling numb. Empty inside.
If I don't hunt I'm looking desperately for a way to revoke your deal. But it seems there is no way, no formula, no crossroads demon with whom I could make a deal ... nothing.
You wouldn't be thrilled if you would know about it, but I had probably done anything ... if I could save you from hell.
With a last look at the simple wooden cross I turn around, the sun set behind my back. I was tired and wanted only one thing at the moment ... go to sleep. So I sit behind the wheel of the Impala ... he is the only thing I have left of our father ... left of you.
At the motel I let myself fall on my bed and I urge all the thoughts aside as I always do to have a chance to find sleep. But in my dreams I only see you ...
... both of us as children ... how do you comfort me, because Dad is once again on some hunting and can't be with us ...
... your horrified face when I left you and Dad and went to Stanford after another fight...
... your familiar voice when we met again ...
... your sympathy when I lost Jessica ...
... your sarcastic jokes which you used to hide your feelings
... our common hunts, all the days and nights we spent together
... mine ... our desperate tryings to change the inevitable ...
... your last few seconds ... ... your death ...
... and again and again your promise to protect me, to look after me, let me never be alone ...
Mostly I felt not really rested at the next morning, my dreams showed me all of beautiful to painful, horrible memories. But they were something to which I clung. The only way not to lose you completely.
The days are passing, a successful hunt is behind me. Again I' laying in a bed of a motel room, I'm dreaming again. Tomorrow, when I'm rested, I will visit you again. Maybe I'll yell at you again, maybe pray that there might be someone who brings you back to me. But today ... today I'm too tired for this ... forgive me, big brother.
_
Actually, this Oneshot should be end here, and if it pleases to you, you can leave it at this point.
Happy End addicts can still enjoy the small amount underneath.
The decision is entirely up to you.
I hope you like it ... no matter where you stop.
_
On the next morning I get up again and I hope everything that's happened was maybe just a bad dream. But I know it's not. I know I'll not wake up and realize that you're lying in the bed close to me, sleeping peacefully. As much as I wish me well.
My thoughts are with you again. I'm so distracted that I almost don't hear the knocking at the door. I probably get it only at the third or fourth time. No one knows where I am ... not even Bobby. Who would want something from me? Did I forget to pay the room and maybe the motel owner wants me remembering on this?
I reached the door and when I open it the sunlight makes me blind for a moment. I blink to get rid of the burning in my eyes. But through the veil, I can't see much. For this I hear better the words ...
"Sammy ..?" A familiar voice asks ... your voice. My heart starts to beat faster, even though I tell myself that I probably still dreaming.
But when my sight are finally become to clearcut and my eyes accustomed to the sunlight you're still there.
"Dean?" I ask, my voice sounds strangely choking and scratchy.
"Yes, it's me." That's your whole answer. Suddenly I feel your arms around me and I know it's not a dream. Not any more.
Then I hear your words again: "I promised you." And at this time they're not just words from my memories and dreams.