AN: So the end of this episode kind of ripped my heart into pieces. Then, I sat down and wrote this as therapy! Hope you enjoy it.
Where We Hide Away
She tries. She really tries. Forces herself to reflect on everything she does know about Castle's relationship with Meredith. The little bit that she knows…God, how much does she know? Not much at all once she truly begins to think about it.
She's always just assumed since that one time Meredith visited so many years ago now. Assumed that Meredith was irresponsible, too young for a real marriage, off living her own little life oblivious to responsibility. Back then she didn't care so much. Back then it was kind of funny to tease Castle, laugh at his being tormented by an ex. And by the time it did mean something to her - well…she'd just fallen back on the memory of Meredith breezing in and out of his life, chalked it up to a mistake on his part. The way he used to be and all…
But now…
Now, it's like a vicious spiral. The more she tries to avoid thinking about what Meredith said, the deeper she sinks. The more questions flood her mind. All the things that she's been pressing down below the surface, the doubts that hide in the back of her mind- they're glaring and ugly, choking her with panic and she can't breathe, surrounded by everything that she has no answers to show for.
What if he's still that person? What if she really doesn't know him the way he knows her? He has filled books about her, has had her coffee order memorized since almost the beginning of their time together, had already filled in the blanks of her story from that very first case. He has dug and dug into her life and into her heart and suddenly she's terrified by the realization that it could be exactly as Meredith just described.
It hits her like a wave and she's drowning in the "what ifs". The insecurities, the doubts that plagued her in the earlier years, the ones that kept her from diving into the deep end, the ones that she struggled with over and over again the summer he broke her heart leaving with Gina. She thought they were past that, that they were stronger, that those doubts didn't exist anymore, but now she knows. She knows they never really went away. They've just been lying dormant, lurking in the darkest corner of her mind.
Because he's always been there for her. But that's the whole crux of it, right? That he knows her. And not the other way around. How easy is it to feel loved by him, to become so enchanted by the way he cares, knows the tiniest of details. And all the while she's never pressed for the same from him. The way partners should.
And God, it hurts. It terrifies her and shames her. She's got to stop this. Somehow, she's got to find a way to calm down.
Castle is moving around the kitchen oblivious, distracted by the idea of smorlettes and pampering her into staying. Alexis and Martha have retreated back upstairs. And she's alone. Alone and freaking the hell out. Still standing, clearly shaken in the middle of the loft. And it's only a matter of time before he realizes she hasn't moved. Only a matter of time to compose herself and face him. To pretend like nothing is wrong.
Everything suddenly feels so very wrong.
She wishes she could disappear, sink down into the floor, and forget the last five minutes. For the first time in a long time, she doesn't think she can switch off her feelings, put on the Beckett armor, and act unfazed. And damnit, isn't that just ironic? That he's the one who has broken down that wall, demolished her defenses, and only now does she realize he could be hiding behind one of his own.
"Are you sure I can't convince you to stay?"
She flinches at the sound of his voice, startling her out of the panic, and desperately focuses on schooling her features.
"Kate?"
She forces herself to move towards the bar, her mind involuntarily flashing to the scene from the other morning, visions of nutmeg flavored coffee. How many little details could he recite about her now? Details that she may never be allowed deep enough to know about him.
"Hey…Beckett, what's wrong?"
He's shuffling around the bar to her side, blue eyes squinting in concern, before she realizes she still hasn't responded.
"Nothing, it's nothing." She tries to shrug him off, flashes a weak smile.
"It doesn't look like nothing. Please, tell me what's wrong. Did Meredith say something to you? You're killing me here."
She suddenly remembers the conversation she had with Sofia Turner. The way she'd been so close to letting the doubts creep in back then too. But things aren't always as they seem. They sure as hell hadn't been true in that case and they've come so far since then. Maybe it's time to let him be the one to answer.
She forces herself to meet his gaze. He's practically pleading with her. The longing in his eyes, the need to make it better, to understand…it breaks her. And she knows she can't do this. She can't attempt to hide it.
And damnit, she didn't make a promise to herself to live only to let her insecurities tear her down.
Even if Meredith was right about her and Castle's history, this doesn't have to be their story.
"I asked her why the two of you didn't work out?" she admits. She expects to see the fear in his eyes. The panic that he'd been full of the night before at the prospect of Meredith spilling his deepest secrets to her at dinner.
He surprises her. There's no sign of it on his face. In fact, if anything he's strangely calm, a lot curious, but definitely not scared. He looks at her expectantly, waiting for a minute, and finally asks, "What did she say?"
There's no use in hiding it. Where has that ever gotten her? So she tells him the conversation, tries to keep her voice even, tries not to completely betray how emotionally wrecked she feels.
"She's right," he responds after a moment. "I did know a lot about Meredith. She was my wife. We were young, impulsive, reckless at times, and I thought I was in love with her. When she got pregnant with Alexis, I wanted us to work. I did everything I could to make her happy. So yes, I made it a point to know all the details, do all the little things right.
He pauses, runs a hand through his hair, sighing, and she waits for him to continue.
"The problem was, it wasn't enough. She was never happy with the married life, never really wanted to be settled. Having Alexis was a chore for her. Got in the way of her acting and partying and fun. Once all of it got old to her, she left. Well, technically she cheated and I left but it's all the same in the end. I spent years wondering what I'd done wrong. Wondering if I wasn't enough. It's interesting that she said I wouldn't open up to her. I guess in hindsight maybe I didn't all that much. But it wasn't because I wasn't capable of telling her things. It was more that I never felt like she cared. She may have asked occasionally but it was never more than a comment in passing and I figured it didn't really matter to her so what was the point."
He shrugs and Kate can feel her chest loosening. A bit of the air seeping back into her lungs, his words, his honesty filling the cracks that threatened to split open moments before. She realizes that this is the first time she's really asked him something this personal and she suddenly regrets never having asked before.
"It matters to me," she says abruptly, surprising herself.
For a moment he's silent, the words hanging in the air between them, and she can see the emotion flooding his eyes. He swallows quickly and pulls her toward him. Wraps his arms around her and she sinks into his body. It feels so good. So right.
"I know it does Kate. You're not her. I've told you before, you're not anyone else. And whether you realize it or not you have me."
He pulls back for a second, looks at into her eyes, allows her to feel the intensity in his gaze, the full weight of his words. "You have all of me, Kate."
"I can't promise you that things will be perfect and that we won't fight and that I won't do or say stupid things. But I can promise you that I never want to shut you out. I can promise you that you already know me better than anyone else ever has. And I'll spend as long as it takes telling you every disgusting detail that you need to know in order for you never to doubt that."
He waggles his eyebrows at her and she can't help the laugh that escapes, the smile that fights to break free across her face. She ducks her head into the shelter of his chest and he pulls her close again.
"Thank you," she murmurs against his skin.
He presses a kiss to the top of her head as he trails his fingers across her lower back in a gentle caress that eases the knots of stress away.
"No, thank you, Kate," he replies.
She looks up at him questioningly.
"For telling me," he explains. "For not running, for trusting me with this, to talk to you."
She nods, so grateful for his words, for making it to the point where she's strong enough not to retreat anymore. So grateful that they're strong enough to face these things together now. And maybe the doubts still linger, maybe it'll take time to fight them all off. But at least she's fighting. She will keep fighting. Always fighting for him. For them.
Thoughts?