Disclaimer: I don't own jack…
A/N: Chen Gong is the man that saved Dynasty Warriors 6. His cut scenes completely owns everyone along with his humor on Lu Bu.
Lu Bu's Regrettable Interview
It's the 12th month of 198 AD and Cao Cao's army is surrounding Xia Pi, one of the worst cities to defend. Frustrated, Lu Bu wants a quick raid, but Chen Gong suggest getting the hell out of Xu Zhou and escape Cao Cao's wrath. Lu Bu argued many times that only cowards escape and the strong resist. Chen Gong is completely at a loss of words. His life is over and now an interview is being schedule tonight for the Strongest Man Under Heaven. Among Men, Among Horses…
"For the last time, I will not run, I will not hide, I will crush Cao Cao spilling his blood all over this battlefield!" Lu Bu barked.
"Even if you try, Cao Cao will come up with a counter plan to seal our chances of winning this pointless siege battle," Chen Gong yawned.
"That's the problem. He runs away from me and hide to use his fancy trickery. He doesn't know a damn thing how to play war at my rules!" Lu Bu urged.
"Rules? You want to know the rules of war? If you can't defend, you flee. If you can't fight back, then die," Chen Gong stated.
"I rather slaughter all these weaklings who can't even beat me in a duel and take the head of Cao Cao!" Lu Bu raised his Sky Scorcher high in the air and smash the ground as a demonstration of his power to prove his point.
"It's not a toy Feng Xian. You could have accidently kill someone with it," Chen Gong shrugs.
"The hell I'm wasting my time with you. If you have a good plan, it better be something violent," Lu Bu glared.
"Sigh….attack his main camp. His men having restless hours of expedition against Yuan Shu cause the morale to decrease each time we hold them out longer," Chen Gong advised.
"Now you're making sense. Men! We will storm into Cao Cao's main camp and trample it along with all his weakling ministers and scums!" Lu Bu rallied.
"Err…you mean we storm out there and die….?" A nervous soldier questioned.
"Argh..I forgot to mention our own force's morale is decreasing at the same time. We must hurry before Cao Cao takes advantage of it!" Chen Gong shook his head.
"Um excuse me…" a mysterious man's voice spoke.
"What?!" Lu Bu stare at the man with a menace look.
"I come here from a town next to this city to ask for an interview with you. You're the famous Lu Bu, right?" the interviewer introduced.
"I am Lu Bu! No man can kill me! Speak!" Lu Bu sat down on a stool while watching the surrounding worms of Cao Cao's forces taunting him.
"Since this is going to be an interesting battle between you and the "Great" Cao Cao…" the interviewer was cut for a second.
"The great Cao Cao? HAHAHAHAHHA, what's so great about that coward?! All he did is run along with his bunch!" Lu Bu laughed out loud.
"Well, that's because his life is more important than the battlefield," the interviewer said.
"Then somebody must get that weakling out of the battlefield! I'm tire of seeing his face everyday whoring with his meddlesome bunch while he stole the Emperor and people claim he saved the Emperor! What a bunch of bull! I tried to contact Zhang Yang, but those fools killed him and joined that coward. And now people are calling me a traitor to the Han. Is that how they repay me for taking that worthless sick bastard who tried to rape Diao Chan?!" Lu Bu said.
"He's referring to Dong Zhuo," Chen Gong nodded.
"But, you joined Dong Zhuo before that…" the interviewer shrugged.
"Yes, I joined him because I wanted Red Hare…" Lu Bu explained.
"……" the interviewer stared at him for a minute.
"….." Chen Gong became speechless.
"What? Do you think I even like the guy before I joined him? I don't have a choice. That's the best damn horse I ever seen. The Red friggin Hare…do you get my point?" Lu Bu stared back.
"……." The interviewer thought if that is a flaw out lie or not, but Lu Bu's expression is telling the truth.
"You're one greed man, Feng Xian. You're no better than Dong Zhou," Chen Gong cleared his throat.
"……." The interviewer wanted to laugh, but remain silent.
"……." Lu Bu grunted.
"Ok, so tell me your thoughts on the people of the Three Kingdoms era? Liu Bei?" the interviewer said.
" Gullible weakling who doesn't even admit he's a hypocrite!" Lu Bu barked.
"Sun Jian," the Interviewer added.
"He got spunk, but died too easy. Hell, I can kill him with just an arrow right? That's why he's The Tiger of Jiang Dong," Lu Bu said.
"Zhang Jiao,"
"Yellow Turban Scum! He lead a bunch of weaklings I can swing blindfold," Lu Bu scoffed.
"I saw him do it once at Pu Yang," Chen Gong raised his eyebrow.
"Meng Huo,"
"I like him. He doesn't relay on petty tricks unlike most scum I fought and married an interesting woman. Definitely a King of Nanmans," Lu Bu said.
"Zhu Rong"
"Tch, I don't want to make Diao Chan jealous. She's…interesting…" Lu Bu smirked.
"Zuo Ci,"
"Old geezer fighting useless cards. What kind of crap is that!? He can predict the future, but he can't beat me. He's a mystic, I'm the God of War!" Lu Bu praised himself.
"What about Guan Yu?"
"Blah, he needs the help of his useless brother to stand a chance. Why am I even paired with him on Romance of the Three Kingdoms 11 boxart? No one deserves to be my rival except Orochi!" Lu Bu said.
"Ma Chao"
"Not even close. But, I applause for his efforts trying to kill Cao Cao. I want a son like Ma Chao," Lu Bu said.
"He's sort of relate to you in personality," the interviewer grinned.
"One thing he did better is how he got Chang An. I'm glad he's on my side in Dynasty Tactics 2," Lu Bu nodded.
"He's like a big brother to Ma Chao," Chen Gong added.
"Zhang Liao"
"I own him and taught him True Might," Lu Bu said.
"Xu Huang"
"He wields that big axe. I admire him," Lu Bu rubbed his chin thinking about getting Xu Huang on his side.
"Xiahou Dun"
"Mediocre scum. Even Cao Xing can beat him by just taking out his eye. Could have died earlier, but he's lucky to be alive," Lu Bu snickered.
"Xiahou Yuan"
"Yawn, another worthless scum…." Lu Bu yawned.
"Cao Ren"
"Little midget. HAHAHAHA! Seriously, he's not as tough as he looks with that ridiculous height of his!" Lu Bu laughed.
"Zhang He"
"What kind of man looks and dress like a woman!? What the hell is a butterfly general?" Lu Bu laughed so hard.
"I think the same could be said of Zhou Yu for you," the interviewer shrugged.
"All Zhou Yu did is fire. Nothing interesting…" Lu Bu yawned.
"Lu Xun"
"Same old worthless scum. Shorter than Cao Ren. Does Wu even know anything about True Might? Why are all of Wu's roster is a bunch of pansies. Only Sun Jian and the old guy pleage my interest in Wu's best," Lu Bu said.
"Taishi Ci, Zhou Tai, and Lu Meng don't look like pansies. But they're underrated," the interviewer said.
"They're ….ok I guess," Lu Bu crosses his arms wondering about Wu's talent.
"Sun Ce"
"An annoyance. He claims to be better than his dad, but has not prove it to me yet," Lu Bu said.
"Gan Ning,"
"I like his attitude and valor in the battlefield, definitely something," Lu Bu nodded.
"Wei Yan"
"It's annoying that he talks about how good Liu Bei is, but I admire his might," Lu Bu said.
"Huang Zhong"
"So the old geezer killed Xiahou Yuan. I give him a 10 out of 10," Lu Bu said.
"Thanks to Fa Zheng according to his strategy," Chen Gong corrected Lu Bu.
"So he just tricked the guy before he kills him?" Lu Bu asked.
"Yep" the Interviewer nodded.
"Hmmm," Lu Bu wonders if he could have done the same with Chen Gong.
"Sima Yi"
"Petty coward! He's worst than Cao Cao! Brags about his brains and runs away if he can't stand up to me!" Lu Bu said.
"Cao Pi"
"Another coward! Does Cao Cao's genes make him produce a bunch of cowardly sons?! I don't think my daughter likes him either!" Lu Bu laughed.
"Dad!" Lu Ling Qi scolded.
"Zhang Fei"
"Friggin moron! He dares plunder my lands! Serves him right for losing Xia Pi from me!" Lu Bu scowled. He and Zhang Fei do not get along.
"Xing Cai"
"She's as moronic as her father for falling in love with sons of weaklings Liu Chan and Guan Ping! Even my daughter can beat all of them!" Lu Bu said.
"The Lu family's True Might runs in the family," Chen Gong smacked his head.
"The Qiaos,"
"Are you serious?" Lu Bu laughed.
"Their fans can be deadly," the Interviewer gulped.
"Well here's one deadly fan," Chen Gong shows his strategist fan.
"Hahaha, a worthless weapon that couldn't kill me," Lu Bu said.
"Sun Shang Xiang"
"At least, Sun Jian got a daughter to match my daughter," Lu Bu smirked.
"Zhuge Liang,"
"He's the dullest man I ever seen. The God of petty tricks, but I'm the God of War," Lu Bu said.
"Yue Ying"
"His wife on the other hand can fight. So Zhuge Liang need a woman to save his life, meh," Lu Bu waved his hand.
"There's nothing wrong with that though," the interviewer grinned.
"If only I had a wife like Yue Ying," Chen Gong whimpered.
"Diao Chan"
"I love everything about Diao Chan. Unfortunately, I must do something here to save Diao Chan from becoming a concubine of that worthless scum Cao Cao!" Lu Bu grunted.
"Word got out that Cao Cao has an interest for your woman. He just got Zhang Ji's wife Lady Zou earlier," the interviewer said.
"That is what that bastard does in war. You win, you take somebody's possessions which includes women! I don't understand why those weaklings find him a great hero when he steals women! Dong Zhuo is the worst when it comes to women! I will crush Cao Cao!" Lu Bu shouted.
"I have a fresh memory of Cao Cao's sex life," Chen Gong grinned.
"Sex, sex, women, his poems, and all that useless junk is what that man thinks about! I'm sick of him! He will not get his petty hands on Diao Chan, you understand me!" Lu Bu stood up and hit something to let out all his anger on losing to Cao Cao many times.
The interviewer nodded and shudder the thought of being the one on that huge halberd. He quickly went for the next figure.
"Dong Zhuo"
"Like I said, he's one of the sickest scums in the face of this world!" Lu Bu said.
"Yuan Shao"
"One of the most annoying scums I've met. Like Liu Bei, he's another hypocrite!" Lu Bu returned to his seat to finish his interview.
"Sun Quan"
"Absolutely lame! Nothing like his dad and hides behind his men for cover. What an embarrassing legacy Wu has, at least, his men are all better than him," Lu Bu laughed.
"Ling Tong"
"Annoying brat. Could have been killed along with his father thanks to Gan Ning," Lu Bu scoffed.
"Pang Tong"
"Nothing interesting about him. Too easy to kill," Lu Bu said.
"Pang De"
"Well, he's tough and doesn't run away when he fought Guan Yu," Lu Bu nodded.
"Xu Zhu"
"He brags about how great Cao Cao is. What an annoying tard. I don't care how strong he is," Lu Bu yawned.
"Dian Wei"
"How come he die for that coward?! I can't believe the coward leaves his own son and a great man to die for him! Someday, I will never understand Dian Wei's logic at Wan Castle…" Lu Bu said.
"Jiang Wei"
"He's lamer. Praise the dull God of Petty Tricks. I heard he loss seven times against this Deng Ai guy, right?" Lu Bu look puzzled.
"Yeah…," the Interviewer sighed.
"Seven times is too many for someone who is the successor to Zhuge Liang and Jiang Wan," Chen Gong said.
"Zhen Ji"
"So, this is the wife of the coward's son and Yuan Shao's second son? She got a bad taste in men. Did she really love them or was she forced to marry them?" Lu Bu asked.
"Only Cao Cao's son she was forced to marry. Her marriage to Yuan Xi was an early arrangement and an awful way of showing Yuan Shao's power after he defeated Gongsun Zan. You dominate the north, you get the greatest prize there," the interviewer explained.
"Too bad for her, but Diao Chan can relate to her life. Fortunately, I save Diao Chan from Dong Zhuo and now Cao Cao wants his hands on her! Heard this Zhen Ji is a lot like Diao Chan only tougher attitude almost makes her troublesome for a wife, interesting," Lu Bu nodded.
"Zhao Yun"
"……..Since that hypocrite was lucky to get this powerful with that guy on his side. I admire him, however we never seen eye to eye. Is he as tough as the rumors say? My men reported that he wasn't seen in Gongsun Zan's army anymore. I wonder what's going on? By the way, since the hypocrite attacked Wu. Zhao Yun argue the opposition of the war and wanted to attack the coward's son instead of Sun Jian's useless son. I feel bad for Zhao Yun….maybe I should find a way to employ him. Said to be extremely loyal to the Han announcing his True Loyalty speech compare to my True Might!" Lu Bu smirked.
"Yeah, I've just interviewed him before," The interviewer smiled.
"Zhao Yun of Chang Shan, you say? There are rumors about his family…." Chen Gong said.
Suddenly, the soldier came running with panic.
"My lord! It's terrible, Cao Cao's men has destroyed the dam and the river waters are about flood Xia Pi!" the soldier reported.
"WHAT?!" Lu Bu stood surprised. He cringe and squeeze the handle of his weapon. The coward has gone too far to make life worst for the Strongest Man under Heaven.
"I knew it….Guo Jia…." Chen Gong kneeled and hit his fist on the ground. What terrible timing of accessing the situation. Cao Cao takes advantage of the poor city's defense before a quick counterattack at Cao Cao's main camp can be arrange.
"YOU DAMN COWARD! YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO AND PLAY CHEAP ON ME YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDDD!!" Lu Bu enraged storms out of the city. He mount on Red Hare and attack the main camp….alone. His men desert him due to the flood and Diao Chan is struggling through the flood waters to find Lu Bu. After a few moments….
"IT'S LU BU!! LU BU HAS COME TO DESTROY US!!"
Chen Gong knew the city could not handle the flood. They should have attacked a month earlier before the idea came up.
"Well, that's a major screw up. Bad timing, bad communication between you and Lu Bu. And the situation is inevitable. Sorry, Chen Gong," The interviewer sympathize the heroic tactician.
"Cao Cao, he is indeed heartless. Doesn't care what happens to the people, even Liu Bei's family we took care of is already in danger of the flooding. Guess the bastard won. Heaven has suffered us all. The Han is doomed!" Chen Gong wept.
"Well, that's it. Cao Cao and Lu Bu truly hate each other. They got one thing in common. They're mean badasses," the interviewer nodded.
The one man battle vs Cao Cao's hordes rages on only for an hour later he was outnumbered, betrayed, captured, humiliated, and ultimately executed sadly as a traitor to the Han. The Strongest Man under Heaven lived in a regrettable life….