Stanford stepped into the attic, cautiously treading the wooden floors and delicately sniffing the air (he detected unwashed clothes, something sweet, and mold). Despite Stanley's assurances that they were all safe, it never fails to be extra cautious.
You can't just forget 30 years of life-saving habits just like that.
Ford straightened up and inspected the landing. He knew that Dipper and Mabel have gone out exploring with their friends. Meanwhile, Stan was downstairs being the showman, leading a gaggle of tourists around the house to show off poorly made oddities. Ford learned to keep to the basement when a tour is ongoing; aside from the work he was doing, crowds make him uneasy. Today, however, Stan did not notice his brother slip out from behind the vending machine in-between tours.
Ford opened the door leading to Dipper and Mabel's room. It was a small triangular area with two beds on the opposite sides of the room. It was immediately apparent which twin occupied a side: on his right, the wall over the bed was nearly covered in bright posters of cute dogs and cats and motivational quotes, while on his left the area was littered with books, discarded socks, papers, and a box of chewed-up pens.
Ford smiled when he saw a discarded sign that says "WHO IS THE AUTHOR?" The boy found out who he was a few days ago and didn't need it any longer.
Ford then cracked his knuckles and set about to inspect the room.
Ten minutes later, he was done. There was nothing suspicious inside the room, apart from a sock puppet that looked just like Mabel and a bright pink packet with two goofy cartoon dogs on the front. Ford put the sock puppet down on Mabel's bed and inspected the second item.
"Smile Dip…" he read out loud. "…Das Flavor Pups…Nyums? Huh…this seems familiar. I think this was sold back at the convenience store back in town."
Ford looked around; since he found it inside the closet, he figured that the kids wouldn't notice. He opened the packet and sniffed it. It smelled very sweet.
Then he took the stick out of the packet and dipped it into the powder before taking a tentative lick…
XXXXX
Twenty minutes later…
"He ate WHAT?"
Dipper raised an empty packet of Smile Dip high enough for Grunkle Stan to see. "Smile Dip," replied Dipper. "We found this right next to him."
"How did that get here?" asked Mabel, looking at the empty packet in disgust. "I thought I finished it all off at the—uh, how did that get here?!"
From the floor, clearly hallucinating, Ford called out, "Don't worry, I'll save you Princess! I just need to cast a perfect 38 for a mushroom dragon courier…"
Dipper cleared his throat. "The thing is, this stuff was banned in America years ago, and now Great Uncle Ford ate some and he's now…like this!"
"Banned, huh?" said Stan, shaking his head. "And I can't believe he would eat that stuff just like that!"
"Guess being extra, extra, extra, EXTRA careful isn't too much, huh?" said Dipper, crossing his arms as he looked at his other Grunkle tripping out on the floor in the middle of the room.
"What do you mean Princess Unattainabelle is in another castle?" demanded Ford. "She sent me an invite on this duck!"
Dipper looked at Mabel. "How long do you think he's going to be like this?"
Mabel awkwardly looked up. "It might not take too long, since he only ate ONE packet, so I'm guess-timating about an hour, just to be on the safe side."
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses before walking towards his brother; Mabel and Dipper moved out of his way. He knelt down beside his twin and waved a hand over his brother's face.
"Hey, Pointdexter," he said, snapping his fingers over Ford's wide, glassy eyes. "Can you hear me? It's me, Stanley, your totally sane brother."
At the sound of Stan's voice, Ford turned his head to look at him. "Yes…yes, I can hear you, majestic space whale!" cried Ford in a happy voice, reaching out to grab Stan's face with both hands.
"Thpayth whale?" repeated Stan.
"Oh, my apologies! I forgot you don't speak human!" Ford said apologetically. "Don't worry, I speak many languages, including whale!"
"Oh, boy!" groaned Dipper, pulling down his blue-and-white Pine tree hat over his face.
Beside him, Mabel suddenly squealed and clapped her hands in delight. "Oh my gosh, Grunkle Ford is so talented! He can speak WHALE!"
"Mabel, no one in our family speaks whale!" snapped Stan, who managed to get his face away from Ford's hands.
"HoooOOOoooOOOw aaAAAAre yOOUUUuu?" Ford called out loudly.
"Yeesh!" murmured Stan. He turned to chivvy the kids out of the room. "Guess we have no choice but to wait this out."
"CooOOOooome bAAAaaack."
"He's so articulate in whale!" gushed Mabel.
Stan shook his head. "Dipper, help me prepare some things in the kitchen. Something tells me Ford is going to need a lot of water and some aspirin when he gets back down to Earth…"
AN: This is based on pinesinthewoods' answer to my ask on Tumblr. I adjusted the premise to have Ford find the packet of Smile Dip that one of the kids brought home back in The Inconveniencing and forgot. This is set between DD&MD and The Stanchurian Candidate.