A/N: This all came out one night, on the spur of the moment. God, I love
one-shots. Maybe it's because I haven't got the patience to write a long
story. ^_^;; Oh well, here you go: one angsty Sirius reflection. This is
supposed to be in the form of "letters" Sirius "writes" while in Azkaban.
I let you down. You came to me in the rain. You asked me for help. You wanted to know where to go from here. I say "here" but what I really mean is "there". You were there, because now is "here" and you were "there"- you were "then" and now you're gone, and it's really my fault. You were worried and I was worried too. I was worried about what would happen. I was scared. You were scared. We were scared for Harry. We were scared for Lily and I was scared for you. You asked me for help, and I thought I gave it to you, but I didn't. I convinced you to change your Secret Keeper. I was wrong. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, James.
I doubted you. I convinced them - you know who I mean by "them"- to change their Secret Keeper. I doubted you. I though you were spying for the Dark. I don't know how I could have been such a git. I just couldn't believe it- couldn't believe that one of us- our Moony had gone Dark. I was definitely wrong. You'll probably never read this, hell, I'll probably never even write it down, but I've got to tell you: it was Peter. Not you. Not me. The mole, the worm, the rat was Peter. Wormtail. I leapt before I looked. Told them not to use me. "Use Peter," I said. "I suspect Remus." I was wrong. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, Remus.
I made a mistake. You're alone, and it's all my fault. All I could do for you was provide the transportation, the means of getting you to someplace safe. It's my fault that you'll grow up with only those Muggles, my fault that you'll be alone. I met them once- your grandparents convinced them to come to your parents' wedding. I hope you'll grow up alright. They're terrible people, but I know they're blood relatives, and Dumbledore's said that's what counts. It's my fault you won't be loved, my fault you won't grow up in your world. My world. You parents' world. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, Harry.
You got away with it. Maybe this place is making me crazy (actually, you should be the one it's making crazy. Actually, not, I'd rather just kill you.) but it's almost admirable. You. You. You! Little Peter Pettigrew. No one would suspect you. The shadow of James and me: following us around, getting in on pranks. Wormtail, the rat, has pulled, and gotten away with the ultimate prank. I wonder where you are now. I hope it hurts. I hope you know- that you comprehend what you did. You wanted to be respected. You wanted to be praised. You wanted to be more than average. I don't know why the hell you were in Gryffindor, Peter. That was almost Slytherinly. I hope you made your master happy. It'll be a first for you, I suppose. You're weak. I never suspected you. That's what really gets me. No one did, not even Dumbledore, not even Mad-Eye. There's nothing I'd put past those two and you got away with it. Wow. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, Peter.
I let you down. You came to me in the rain. You asked me for help. You wanted to know where to go from here. I say "here" but what I really mean is "there". You were there, because now is "here" and you were "there"- you were "then" and now you're gone, and it's really my fault. You were worried and I was worried too. I was worried about what would happen. I was scared. You were scared. We were scared for Harry. We were scared for Lily and I was scared for you. You asked me for help, and I thought I gave it to you, but I didn't. I convinced you to change your Secret Keeper. I was wrong. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, James.
I doubted you. I convinced them - you know who I mean by "them"- to change their Secret Keeper. I doubted you. I though you were spying for the Dark. I don't know how I could have been such a git. I just couldn't believe it- couldn't believe that one of us- our Moony had gone Dark. I was definitely wrong. You'll probably never read this, hell, I'll probably never even write it down, but I've got to tell you: it was Peter. Not you. Not me. The mole, the worm, the rat was Peter. Wormtail. I leapt before I looked. Told them not to use me. "Use Peter," I said. "I suspect Remus." I was wrong. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, Remus.
I made a mistake. You're alone, and it's all my fault. All I could do for you was provide the transportation, the means of getting you to someplace safe. It's my fault that you'll grow up with only those Muggles, my fault that you'll be alone. I met them once- your grandparents convinced them to come to your parents' wedding. I hope you'll grow up alright. They're terrible people, but I know they're blood relatives, and Dumbledore's said that's what counts. It's my fault you won't be loved, my fault you won't grow up in your world. My world. You parents' world. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, Harry.
You got away with it. Maybe this place is making me crazy (actually, you should be the one it's making crazy. Actually, not, I'd rather just kill you.) but it's almost admirable. You. You. You! Little Peter Pettigrew. No one would suspect you. The shadow of James and me: following us around, getting in on pranks. Wormtail, the rat, has pulled, and gotten away with the ultimate prank. I wonder where you are now. I hope it hurts. I hope you know- that you comprehend what you did. You wanted to be respected. You wanted to be praised. You wanted to be more than average. I don't know why the hell you were in Gryffindor, Peter. That was almost Slytherinly. I hope you made your master happy. It'll be a first for you, I suppose. You're weak. I never suspected you. That's what really gets me. No one did, not even Dumbledore, not even Mad-Eye. There's nothing I'd put past those two and you got away with it. Wow. I know it's too little, too late, but I've got to say it, even if it's just for me. I'm sorry, Peter.