Okay, now before anybody freaks out- yes, this is a crack fic. There won't be any character bashing, but characters will be out-of-character, and doing crazy things. I mean no offense- some of the characters in this story are my favs, so heck, you know it's all meant in fun! THis story was made in collaboration with oDeidarao, who is an awesome writer, and damn funny..
Anyway, this chapter will focus on Itachi, and the real reason why he killed his family. But first, you're gonna see some hilarious interaction with Sasuke, and then craziness at Akatsuki. Enjoy! And please review, good or bad! Flames accepted, 'cause they help us improve..
So you don't get confused, bolded leters at beginnings of paragraphs mean that there's time change- aka something is happening later on. I'd just indent paragraphs, and put 2 spaces between them, but that doesn't work, so I settled for the bolded lettering. Italics indicate a flashback; unless it's just 1 italic word in the sentence, and then it just means that the person speaking is emphasizing that particular word. Yep, I think that's it. If anything else in the story confuses you, let me know, and I'll clarify it!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or any of the characters, names, places, etc. in the series. Masashi Kishimoto does.
Everybody Needs A Sidekick!
Chapter 1
"Hey, give me back my cell phone jackass", Sasuke yelled. "Foolish little brother, you're too young to have a cell phone. Heh. You're only three and a half", Itachi said. "I'm twelve! Now hand it over!", exclaimed Sasuke. Itachi swooshed his hair and walked off. Sasuke stood there stunned for a moment, and then yelled after his brother, "Get back here you bastard! Give me my cell phone! I'll kill you!" Itachi just shunshined away, back to Akatsuki headquarters, to collect his other 300 cell phones.
Deidara sat on the couch and said to Itachi, "You got it?...yeah." Itachi glared at her and said, "Well of course.. I would never let my little brother have this unsafe cell phone. I mean really. Some stranger could call him." Deidara stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about! You were supposed to go to the store and buy milk...yeah!" "I had more important things to attend to.", Itachi said, turning on the TV to ignore Deidara. Deidara sat up and yelled, "Kisame! Kisame! Get over here… yeah! I need you to go buy milk!" Deidara waited. "Yeah?" Itachi looked at her and said, "No."
Naruto walked to the store with his pocket filled with money. "Ha! I knew it was a good idea to bribe Sakura into giving me money! And to think she believed I'd buy something for Sasuke. Mwahahaha!" Naruto walked into the store, and to his surprise he saw Sasuke crying over by the cell phone displays. "Yo, dude, why the hell are you here! And why are you crying!", Naruto exclaimed. "Do you want me to lecture you! It helped everyone else…" Sasuke glared at him, then went back to staring at the cell phones. "It's too horrible! You'd never understand dobe! You never had a cell phone so you'll never understand!" Sasuke then ran out of the store crying. Naruto went to the counter and yelled, "I want a cell phone!" The cashier stood there and stared at him, and then he said, "Hold on." He walked into another room and then came back out. "You're not authorized to have a cell phone. This document clearly states that any male with blonde hair is considered a dumb blonde. And everyone knows that dumb blondes can handle keeping their cell phone safe. Now get out of my store!", said the cashier. Naruto left the store in anger and disappointment.
Back at Akatsuki Headquarters, Deidara was still yelling, "Kisame! Kisame! Get your ass over here right now…yeah!" Deidara, got up and left the room, disgusted, and went to look for Kisame, then heard loud rap coming from Sasori's room. Poking her head back into the living room, she said, "Itachi, do you hear that.. yeah?" Itachi glared at her, "Shut up."
Deidara gave him a dirty look and went into Sasori's room. "Ah!", she yelled. Sasori was rapping, "Yo, yo, yo ,yo! Today I ate a cheese and then I sneezed! I went to the, beach, and then I met a bully. He kicked a bottle right into my face. And then I kicked him in his ass!" Then Kisame started singing, "Ahh! I am so beautiful! I dance with the butterflies! And I sing with the birds!" Sasori looked at him with a w-t-f look. "Dude. This is a rap video! Not a Disney movie!" Kisame gasped. "But I wanted to be Snow White! Ya know? The girl with the black hair. And she sings and--"
"Shut-up Kisame!" Sasori looked at Zetsu. "Stop filming! As you can clearly see, this music video was over a long time ago!" Zetsu stopped filming, and then he said, "Well if he's not rapping then why let him be in it! Why not let me be in the music video!" Sasori looked at him disgust, "You're a plant freak! And I'm not even gonna consider having you in my coolio music video." Zetsu left the room crying. And then Tobi picked up the camera. "Hey can I—" Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu(even though he was crying in the hall), Kisame, and even Itachi(back in the living room, with TV blasting) said, "NO!" Tobi gave them all a stare and sat in the corner talking to himself. "But… Tobi is a good boy…"
"Yo, Deidara why you be messin' wit my video!" Sasori said. "Kisame needs to go to the store and buy milk we're all out…..yeah." Deidara threw the car keys to Kisame, glaring at him, and then said, "Oh and, Sasori. It's not that I don't want you to have fun. It's just that you're 60. Don't cha' think you're a little old to be rapping?" Sasori looked at the floor in disappointment, and said sadly, "I'm not old." Deidara then yelled, "KISAME GO GET THE DAMN MILK! YEAH!" Kisame rushed out the door, one of Deidara's clay birds following him and pecking at his head. Sasori jumped up and said, "WHAT! WE'RE OUT OF MILK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET CALCIUM!" Deidara shook her head and walked out of the room, leaving Sasori yelling, and Tobi talking to himself, and then she passed Zetsu crying in the hallway. "Eh, I'm going out, with my best friend Garden Elf Gnome. I'm meeting him at the movies in his village." Itachi said, "Ugh. You're always going everywhere with Garden Elf Gnome! Why don't you ever go to the movies with me, or Sasori!" Deidara walked out the door saying, "You'd never understand… yeah. …And I do go with Sasori, once a week- we just don't invite you 'cause you suck."
Itachi got up and called to Sasori, "I'm going out for a while." Itachi walked into his room and opened his closet. He took out 57 boxes and laid them on his bed. "Damned parents," Itachi said. "All because they wouldn't let me have a damn cell phone." He paused. "I remember it all so clearly…."
"Wow! The new cell phone came out today! I bet everybody has one! And I'm gonna ask Mommy and Daddy if I can get the new side kick too!" Itachi ran into the house in excitement.
"Okaasan, Otousan! I want you to buy me something! It's something that I really need!" His mother smiled, "Well c'mon Itachi tell us what you want." She smiled lightly. "I want that new Side-Kick cell phone!" His mother fainted, and his father almost choked on the pocky he was eating. His father got himself back together and said, "No! Do you understand how responsible you have to be to have a cell phone!" Itachi sadly said, "Why! All of my friends have it, and even Rikimaru the ugliest, and most stupid of all the ANBU! And he got a Side-Kick. And now he has a girlfriend!" His father looked at him angrily, "And that my son, is the reason why you will never get a cell phone as long as you live in my house under my rules! Now go to your room!" Itachi walked into his room extremely depressed.
The next day Itachi went to his friend's house, where he bought a side kick with his $5000 of life savings. He played around with it all the way home, happy that his friend was so generous to sell it to him.
That night at home he went on the internet with his new Side-Kick, while talking to his new girlfriend Deidara, who he'd met earlier while she was vacationing in Konoha. Nothing could pull him away from the splendor of his amazing new cell phone.
Later, his father and mother came back from a clan meeting- a meeting he was supposed to attend after he returned from an ANBU meeting earlier in the day. His father pounded on Itachi's door, trying to get him to open up and explain his absence, but Itachi was too caught up in playing games, talking with hot girls, and downloading illegal music to notice his father pounding on his door.
After 10 minutes of this, Itachi's father was so furious that he broke down Itachi's door. And he saw his Side-Kick. Itachi had tried his best to hide it when he was surprised by the door crashing down in front of him, but on of the girls he'd been talking to on speaker phone started saying, "Itachi?.. You there?...", giving away the cell phone's position.
His father went nuts and took Itachi's cell phone and flushed it down the toilet, then took his PS2, PS3, X-Box, X-Box 360, Game Boy, DS, Game Cube, and computer and burned them with a fire jutsu. Then he took the CD's Itachi had burned using his side kick and a computer tower, which had taken him all day. And now his father was really going to 'burn' his CD's. Itachi just stood by, staring quietly, while all of his stuff was burned. In his mind, Itachi was thinking, 'All that stuff…. It cost me 20,000 bucks… That fucking bastard!...'
The next day, Itachi was walking to ANBU headquarters for a mission assignment, when he saw his best friend Shisui standing on the bridge near his house. "Hey, Itachi! Where's the Sidekick I sold ya!..." Itachi stared at the ground as though he was trying to burn a hole into the sidewalk with his eyes. "It's probably in the ocean by now..", he muttered. Itachi told him the whole story while he walked to ANBU headquarters. Shisui laughed and said, "Ha ha ha! Everybody in the clan has a cell phone! And actually, everybody in Konoha has one!"…Well everyone except you that is." Itachi told him to shut up and went into the building, ignoring Shisui and plotting his revenge.
After he got back from his mission, he walked to Holiday Inn, the hotel Deidara was staying in with her parents while they were on vacation. Deidara was waiting for him in the lobby, as planned. Itachi asked, "So you said you had something I could use to get back at them?" Deidara grinned, "Oh, but of course!"
The two walked into Deidara's hotel room. Deidara's parents were there and they asked, "Deidara! Who is that!" Deidara gave them a blank stare. "Oh… This is my best friend…..uhmm..Itachi, yeah. Ya know the one I told you about." Her mother and Father said, "Oh, the boy who needed some of our weapons of mass destruction, which we stole from the FBI! Well you know where we keep them Dei. Go give him some." Deidara grinned, "Un, yeah!"
Deidara and Itachi went into an adjoining hotel room and Dei pulled out a big black suitcase. She opened it and inside were all the illegal weapons on the face of the Earth. "Pretty cool, ain't it?", Deidara smirked, and then said, "Well here ya go. Have fun!...yeah!" Itachi was in shock from seeing all the weapons. "Oh, and Itachi, don't tell anyone you saw any of this…or I'll kill you…now go."
That night Itachi killed Shisui and went home with a terrible headache, so he went straight to bed. "Wow, those illegal weapons I got from Dei sure came in handy." He fell asleep that night and accidentally left the suitcase of weapons open on his floor.
The next morning, his father was standing by his bed with an extremely angry look on his face and a piece of wood. "I'm gonna beat you with this till you bleed," said his father. "What are you talking about?", asked Itachi groggily. "You know damn well what I'm talking about boy!", yelled his father. Itachi then remembered the weapons. "Oh, I'm sorry Otousan...They-they aren't mine! I'm just keeping them for a friend, and-" "I've had enough of this Itachi. You're going to military school, and that's final."
Itachi's father grabbed the suitcase and brought it outside, where he threw it on the lawn. Itachi jumped out of bed and ran after him, but it was too late- all he could do was watch as his father burned the illegal weapons, and they exploded like fireworks on the 4th of July- realllly big fireworks.
That night after his father beat him Itachi killed his parents, and everyone in his clan except Sasuke(who wasn't allowed to have a cell phone either), all because he couldn't have a damn cell phone.
"Those memories bring back pain….and I wonder what ever happened to that girl Deidara I used to know… Hmm..I had wanted to thank her. And introduce her to the Deidara I know now- she'd love meeting someone with her name... Oh well." Itachi then took 299 of the 300 stolen cell phones that he had, and left to sell them on the black market.
Well, I hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will be out soon, and will focus on Gaara. Remember to review please:)