Through the Gray
by: fluffy pantoufle
Disclaimer: Square Enix, characters, not mine, wish they were…yada yada. The usual. Also, credit goes to "Lua" by Bright Eyes for being a source of inspiration for this piece.
A/N: Let me just say that this is my first attempt at writing exclusively in Quistis's POV. I adore her character, and I don't know - perhaps she intimidated me - but I never wrote a story in first person with her as the star. However, this is the first go-round and I have to say that I rather enjoyed it! I'm just starting to LOVE writing Seifer/Quistis; they're a spectacular pair to play around with. You can go in so many different directions, y'know?
Also, heavy inspiration is drawn from the song I mentioned above, "Lua." So incredibly sad, but one of my favorites. Do yourself a favor and give it a listen upon finishing (or starting) this story! And then...leave a review! Haha! Enjoy, loves!
I am so damned good at suffering.
Believe me, it isn't a talent that I asked for or worked on. Much in the same way that I inherited my hair color or height, I can't help but wonder if my ability to withstand emotional punishment is genetic. Unfortunately, it's hard to discern whether or not that's fact or fiction - for obvious reasons, of course.
It was always an intention of mine to sit down with Matron and ask her what she thought of my biological mother, but I could never quite find the courage. Reality as it stands is already too hard to bear at times and that knowledge could potentially be the straw that breaks the chocobo's back, you know?
Funny, you'd think that something like that I'd want to know, but even Quistis Trepe has limitations.
"…Quis? What in Hyne's name are you doing up so early?"
Let me rephrase that. Even Quistis Trepe has limitations…sometimes.
See, the thing about having a talent is that at some point in your life you're going to encounter someone who just does it better. No one person can be on top all the time. Similarly, when you think you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, there's always someone that's worse off. In the grand scheme of things everybody just kind of meets in the middle…
"You giving me the silent treatment?"
I didn't want to answer him. The early morning sunlight was just beginning to peek through tattered curtains covering a half-opened window, revealing both my partner and competitor. His deep, sleep laden voice cut through the grayness of daybreak like a knife and I nearly shuddered at the sound. My back was facing him - not on purpose, but because a little part of me enjoyed basking in the dawn.
It reminded me that normalcy had returned, at least until the next night when I would undoubtedly find myself intertwined with the fallen knight once more. Normalcy. What the hell could be considered normal in the life that I've led thus far? 'Normal,' by any definition had ceased to exist.
"I'm not giving you any treatment, Seifer. I'm just thinking, is all."
"It's dangerous when you decide to think. I don't like it."
A small laugh involuntarily made its way past my lips. "Not as dangerous as Xu."
"Yeah, well…when Xu puts her mind to it, I'm pretty sure whole continents would disintegrate. Puppies would melt."
He meant well. No matter what Seifer Almasy did in his life, I truly don't believe he did it out of ill will. I don't know, perhaps we both inherited that same freakish gene from our respective parents that required us to wallow and wander in misery for most of our lives in order to feel…anything. The difference, I think, is that acceptance came easier for me than it did for Seifer. Dreams were just that: frivolous, fleeting, irresolute.
The bed squeaked as Seifer shifted his weight on the bed, sitting up against the headboard. "Tell me what you're thinking, Quistis," he said, barely a whisper. "You know I hate it when you don't tell me what's going on in that head of yours."
"I wouldn't even know where to begin."
I could practically hear him smirk. "You're so sexy when you're pensive."
"Shut it, Almasy," I sighed.
He whistled - high pitched with a gradually low finish. "If memory serves me correctly, that's the exact opposite of what you were begging me to do a mere, oh - three hours ago?"
Hyne, I'd never live that one down. The will to sit up straight suddenly left my body and I flopped backward, not realizing that I was to fall squarely on Seifer's thighs. Strong - incredibly strong. Every time I came in direct contact with him I could almost feel what he's endured, the horrifying events he participated in and witnessed that made his physique so wickedly powerful.
"Do you have any plans for today?" I queried, my eyes meeting his through the gray.
Without thinking, Seifer began to stroke my hair with his left hand as he spoke. "You mean other than shield my face from society? Come off it, Trepe - you know what they're celebrating out there this week."
"Oh, I'm very much aware, but-"
"But nothing," he interjected. Surely, it was too early in the morning for me to give the queenless knight a halfhearted pep talk. "You're not going to take my mind off of it. I have enough food to get me through the week without leaving this apartment. I'll live."
"You know I worry," I murmured, leaning into the touch of his hand.
Seifer rolled his pretty green eyes. I couldn't believe how striking they were, even as his face was shrouded in what little of the night still clung to the room. "If you worried as much as you say you do, you wouldn't leave."
"I think I can worry about you and do my job at the same time."
"Bullshit."
"Seifer," I began, knowing that he wasn't going to let me talk. Petulant - he was both man and boy, switching roles at will.
"No, Quistis - you say the same Hyne-damned thing every morning before you leave, and I don't want to listen to it anymore." He removed his hand from my hair. "Does anyone else even know about us?"
"Well-"
"That's a fucking 'no' already."
That was it. I sighed and stood up, silently reveling in the feeling of the cold hardwood floor against my bare feet. It was ever-so-slightly jarring. "It isn't a 'no,' and if you weren't so callous for a change you'd let me finish my fucking sentence."
"…maybe I don't want to hear what you have to say."
It wasn't often that Seifer let his walls fall down - even when I thought he was being sincere, more often than not it was only for, well - sensual gain, for lack of a better phrase. I never minded it, though. One of the things I enjoyed about being with Seifer was that he didn't require me to think. Everyone else I surrounded myself with relied heavily on my brain and little else. If it wasn't Selphie planning the logistics for the Garden Festival it was my students, or Headmaster Cid asking advice pertaining to relations with Galbadia…
Tiring. Exhausting, even. By the end of the day it would be all but impossible to differentiate myself from my knowledge.
I knew Seifer valued me for my mind. He was a trying student, but just as sharp as Hyperion and took pleasure in our numerous arguments. Now, several years and a Sorceress War later the only thing left for us to do was act. I mean, there was really nothing left to think about. I was hero, he was a villain… Society doesn't let a person forget that sort of thing, you know?
If nothing else, Seifer was just a villain trying to help a hero remember the person she was before she gained the title.
"This," he began, holding his arms out in order to encompass all of his shoddy, sad excuse for a bedroom, "this is what I live for, Trepe. Don't you get it? And if you're going to finish your damned sentence with anything along the lines of 'I can't spend any more time with you,' I…"
I can't spend any more time with you.
With her.
…I wonder if my mother used the same line with Matron.
Seifer saw that I was beginning to mull again. "I know that every time you walk through my door you feel the same way. Garden doesn't define you, Quis… This defines you."
"No, Seif-"
"I define you."
He didn't realize how spot-on he was, and yet… Hyne, Seifer was taking a gamble that wasn't going to get him anywhere. How could he not have known?
"You do define me, Seifer," I murmured. "I understand you sometimes better than I do myself, and you don't have to tell me that the feeling is mutual."
"So this shouldn't be a difficult decision, right?"
The sunlight finally seemed to have broken through, and the gray half-consciousness of the dawn was becoming more lively by the second. I could almost feel the pulse of the city as most normal people were hitting the buttons on their alarm clocks, ready to deal with another monotonous day in the life.
But that could never be me, or Seifer, and it certainly could never be us together. Things were just so simple under the cover of moonlight…
"You should know my answer without me saying it, Seifer."
"I do, but I want to hear it out of your mouth," he muttered, frowning. "You going to deny me that?"
There were many things my heart could bear, situations and aches that would probably shatter most normal women. But, as I think I told you earlier, Quistis Trepe is not a normal woman, nor will she ever be - no, not by any stretch of the imagination.
I would have to shoulder this vision throughout the day of Seifer lying in his own bed, begging me to stay. Who ever said I had a choice? And who ever told him that he had the option? Unless the fates decided one day to pay us back for two decades of misery, Seifer and I were as star-crossed as two people could or would ever be.
With a small smile I made my way to the bed, bending my knees onto the mattress so that I could lean forward to kiss the queenless, kingdomless knight. Fairy tales wouldn't know what to make of him…but I did. I could only dream that one day things would work out for us, but you know what I say about dreams.
"I have to go."
"Quis, I don't know…"
"You know. I'll be back - I always am, aren't I?"
His eyes glittered with a boyish vulnerability that I was more than familiar with; it was the same expression I saw every morning. This was the lamb that emerged after a night with the lion. "What am I supposed to do until then?"
"Do what I do, Seifer…suffer. Suffer, and live."