I can't remember the last time that I was myself.
You must think that silly...'What are you talking about?' you ask. 'What strange thoughts have filtered through your mind?' The truth is, right now, I am not certain. All I know is, I can't remember the last time that I was myself. I suppose that I should make that a bit clearer.
Before I...well, before I became the person I am now, I was a completely different girl. I was pretty, vivacious, popular, sociable, the woman that everyone was dying to be. I had money, friends, one of the most up and coming powerful and handsome men in the magical realm as my fiance, which in turn, would make me powerful, a female to be reckoned with...not that I hadn't been before. No, if a wrong was done against me, the wrongdoer would soon know of it. That part of my reputation, I must say that I have not lost. It's simply everything in between. And like I mentioned before, I can't remember when it started.
I suppose it began after my sixth year was concluded at Hogwarts. After I had been informed that I would be married on my 21st birthday. Arranged marriages were common among my social class. Pureblood families must be kept pureblood, and if that means that two powerful families have to be joined by marriage, then that is what will occur. At the present time, I didn't mind it. In fact, it was what I had been hoping for ever since I had become a third year and caught his eye for the first time. At 13, I knew who I would spend the rest of my life with, and I was more than willing to give my heart, body, and soul to him. He was everything in my life. I ate, breathed, slept, and sweat him. I would watch him walk down the halls, purely to give myself the satisfaction of being able to say 'One day, it will be me that will be on his arm'.
The formal announcements went out at the beginning of our seventh year. Both the families and our entire house were thrilled. There was talk of nothing else but our wedding, four years from that point. What would by dress look like, what robes would he wear, who were the bridesmaids, the Maid of Honor, who was going to be the Best Man? It was a huge fanfare. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Everything was happening just as I'd hoped it would. My senior year of Hogwarts was quite possibly the best year of my life, both in and outside of school.
After our graduation however, things began to change. I didn't notice it at first though, of course, because I was so enthralled at the forth coming marriage. I had much to do, in those three years, for it would be my family that would be planning most of the wedding ceremony. I also had my higher education to think about. I condensed my classes, took more credits then anyone else that I knew of so that I would be finished with my extra schooling by my 20th birthday. After that was done, we would be able to start seriously planning the life changing event that would take place one year from that point.
Looking back on my two years of higher education, I can now see where things began to fall apart. I was in school so much, I was studying so hard. And of course, he was participating in his higher education as well. He had practices, meetings, lectures to attend just the same as I did. And there were meetings that we attended together. Wonderful meetings that where chaired by a man that knew so much about the magical realm. He was an inspiration, this man, a wonderful inspiration. He had so many ideas on how things could change for the better, and how to go about changing what was wrong with our world. From the first moment I was taken to see him, I couldn't get enough of him. He was an absolute joy to listen to. He motivated me. I even got so speak to him privately on one or two occasions. I remember thinking at the time 'What could such a powerful and famous man want to talk to me for?' And each time, he gave me nothing but compliments and reassurances, saying that was beautiful, I was pure, and no one was above me because of that. I was smart, powerful, I had prestige, and I would soon learn how to carry that persona.
At one meeting in particular, my fiance and a few select others were invited to a smaller meeting with this man. I wanted to go as well. I wanted to continue to listen to him speak, his words were so powerful...unfortunately, I was not allowed to attend those meetings. Those meetings were for certain people only. I must admit that I was slightly miffed, but the man must have seen my disappointment, for he had pulled me aside. He had told me not to fret, that I would get my chance to serve his cause, but that this was not work that I need to be involved in. 'Everyone will have their job and place, my dear' he had said. 'And you shall have yours'.
I noticed, shortly there after, that things were indeed beginning to change. Perhaps for the better of the magical world, but for the better in my relationship. Between regular school work for both of us, and secret meetings that he had to attend, I was feeling rather neglected. It seemed as though everytime he came back from one of those meetings, he was energized, ecstatic even, but not because he was seeing me for the first time in three days. It was because of this man, because of what he was telling these people that were attending his meetings. And while I was very supportive of what this man's ideals were...I wanted some time with my future husband. But unfortunately for me, I wouldn't receive that. In fact, he would become angry with me when he would come home from the meetings. He would accuse me of not giving %100 to the cause, to him, or to the man whom we had both come to respect and admire so much. That, of course, was nonsense.
For those first two years of higher education, until I was 20, the subject of our arguments would be just that. We never fought about anything else until we graduated from our second schooling.
Our families had conspired to give us a comfortable starting mansion; 25 bedrooms, two studies, three kitchens, four living rooms, five and one half bathrooms, three rec rooms...it was gorgeous, and right on the bank of a beautiful blue flowing river. We had parties every weekend. Some of them were my friends, but most of them were the aquantinces that were being made at the meetings that my fiance would attend. Soon though, it became only the members of those meetings, and their girlfriends. Perhaps a few other guests would be invited, but usually, our house was reserved for the now close-knit and exclusive group that we had become. One of the most vivid memories that I have is walking into the first floor living room one night and seeing the leader of the small group that my fiance and our friends were now a part of gathered. A few women were also a part of the group, but I noticed that two girls that I chatted and had tea with on a daily basis were no where to be found. 'Where are Raven and Ellen?' I had asked.
I remember seeing everyones faces become either blank or stoney in expression. And then, His voice spoke to me: 'Miss. Raven and Miss. Ellen will no longer be able to attend our meetings, my dear. They were found to be weak of heart and mind for our cause.'
I remember feeling devastated. I was no longer allowed to associate myself with them in any way, shape, or fashion. They had been such good friends...they were outsiders to me now. I was better than them, I was told. They were nothing but flaws in His great plan, and they were nothing but threats to women like me that held a solid purpose in life.
And so it went. I became close to those women who associated with the members of my fiance's group, and they were my only friends. Some of them, I had known from Hogwarts, other from my higher schooling. Only one or two did I not know at all. However, it was great fun being with them. While our men were at meetings, we women would sit and converse about our weddings, mostly mine since it was the first one to be held. And we would talk about children, our futures, how great the world was going to be, now that He was going to take control and make things better for us.
But the closer we came to the wedding night, the more distant my relationship became. We were almost never together, and even on nights that he would be home, he always had to much to do, to many letters to write or another meeting to attend. And, although I knew that it wasn't my place, one night, I told him to stay home. I wanted to be near him, to just look at him, be with him, talk to him, find out how his day went, that sort of thing.
That was quite possibly the biggest mistake of my life. However, his reaction was definitely the most poignant sign that something in him had changed.
He struck me. He had never hit me before. I used to believe that he never even thought about it, but when his hand came quickly across my cheek, I realized that this was not the man that I had been hoping to marry when I was a naive 13 year old girl. I didn't know who this man was. All I knew at that point, was that he had struck me. He told me that I was never to order him to do something ever again, especially to stay home and be with me for one night. He called me selfish, immature, uncaring...
This happened four months before the wedding night. I sank into a depression. I was neglected. I was confused. I was hurt. Most importantly though...I was frightened. I was now frightened of the man that I was to marry in less than four months. I was frightened of the future, of what would become of our union. And I realized that I had one more thing to be frightend of.
Our children.
The entire reason for arranged marriages at that time in my social class was to keep the pureblood line strong in magic. Both of our families lines were pure, clean, not a drop of muggle blood between us, which, to this day, I am still very proud of. But pure blood or not, if he hit me, he would more than likely hit the child that we would no doubt create sooner, rather than later. But what could I do? I had very little power in my situation. I couldn't call the marriage off. That would have meant dishonor and ridicule for my family. I couldn't put them through that. And, it would disappoint Him. I believed him when he told me that I had a great purpose in life, but what if that great purpose was because of my fiance?
Two months before the marriage, I remember drinking my tea in the kitchen while reading a book. The maids were bustling around cleaning the house for that nights meeting. And in he walked. He was home early from his place of work. I was so happy to see him, I threw my arms around him and kissed him as deeply as I could. He hadn't touched me after that night he had struck me, and I had forgiven him. At that time, I was just so happy to see him home for once.
He gave no response. He did not kiss me back, he didn't even put his arms around me. He simply stood there. And when I pulled away to ask what the matter was, he only shook his head and walked away. I was left to stand in the kitchen, the servants that were in there staring at me, but obviously trying not to. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. The man I loved hadn't bothered to show me any affection...nothing, at all. He had just stood there, then left.
Never before in my life had I cried such bitter and pained tears. After he had left of course. I couldn't risk him seeing a tear stained face when that was not what I was supposed to be. When he walked out of the house though, and I heard the heavy doors slam signaling his exit, I ordered the servants to stay off of 4th floor, where my room was so that they would not hear my sobs.
So now, here I sit. I am in my room, perched on the edge of my king-sized canopy bed. The bed-set is made up of black, gold, and emerald green. My house colors from Hogwarts. The room itself is beautiful. A gold vanity, a fireplace with a cherry wood mantle lined in gold, Two emerald high backed chairs placed in front of it. Behind me there are french doors which open up to my balcony. The drapes which cover the doors are a sheer black material, held back with gold roping, and carpeting is green. I love this room. It is my favorite room in the entire mansion.
I look at my engagement band. I remember looking at this ring so fondly when I was 17. I would always admire and show it off, knowing that I was making all of the other girls extremely jealous. In fact, I enjoyed it. I loved to see the greenish glow of envy that their faces would display everytime I spoke of the wedding or the rest of my life or what our children would look like....
And now, I wish that I had been the one looking at me, showing off the ring. I wish I had been one of those jealous girls.
I know what my life will be from here on out. The wedding is tomorrow night. It is promised to be a most spectacular event. The ceremony begins at sundown, and the reception will last through the night. We are expecting at least 600 people, but more than likely, there will be more. And I will have to fake my happiness through the entire event.
Most women, when they marry, are on air before, during, and after their wedding. No one or no thing can touch them. They are invincible. Because they are in love, and because that love is returned. I however, am not lucky enough to have that. I can have anything I want; money, clothes, jewelry, another house if I wanted...but money won't by me the thing that I want most. What I want must be given freely, without constraint.
But I know now that that will never happen.
Tomorrow night, it will not be Narcissa Black being led down the aisle to marry Lucius Malfoy.
It will be a lamb being led to her slaughter.
You must think that silly...'What are you talking about?' you ask. 'What strange thoughts have filtered through your mind?' The truth is, right now, I am not certain. All I know is, I can't remember the last time that I was myself. I suppose that I should make that a bit clearer.
Before I...well, before I became the person I am now, I was a completely different girl. I was pretty, vivacious, popular, sociable, the woman that everyone was dying to be. I had money, friends, one of the most up and coming powerful and handsome men in the magical realm as my fiance, which in turn, would make me powerful, a female to be reckoned with...not that I hadn't been before. No, if a wrong was done against me, the wrongdoer would soon know of it. That part of my reputation, I must say that I have not lost. It's simply everything in between. And like I mentioned before, I can't remember when it started.
I suppose it began after my sixth year was concluded at Hogwarts. After I had been informed that I would be married on my 21st birthday. Arranged marriages were common among my social class. Pureblood families must be kept pureblood, and if that means that two powerful families have to be joined by marriage, then that is what will occur. At the present time, I didn't mind it. In fact, it was what I had been hoping for ever since I had become a third year and caught his eye for the first time. At 13, I knew who I would spend the rest of my life with, and I was more than willing to give my heart, body, and soul to him. He was everything in my life. I ate, breathed, slept, and sweat him. I would watch him walk down the halls, purely to give myself the satisfaction of being able to say 'One day, it will be me that will be on his arm'.
The formal announcements went out at the beginning of our seventh year. Both the families and our entire house were thrilled. There was talk of nothing else but our wedding, four years from that point. What would by dress look like, what robes would he wear, who were the bridesmaids, the Maid of Honor, who was going to be the Best Man? It was a huge fanfare. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Everything was happening just as I'd hoped it would. My senior year of Hogwarts was quite possibly the best year of my life, both in and outside of school.
After our graduation however, things began to change. I didn't notice it at first though, of course, because I was so enthralled at the forth coming marriage. I had much to do, in those three years, for it would be my family that would be planning most of the wedding ceremony. I also had my higher education to think about. I condensed my classes, took more credits then anyone else that I knew of so that I would be finished with my extra schooling by my 20th birthday. After that was done, we would be able to start seriously planning the life changing event that would take place one year from that point.
Looking back on my two years of higher education, I can now see where things began to fall apart. I was in school so much, I was studying so hard. And of course, he was participating in his higher education as well. He had practices, meetings, lectures to attend just the same as I did. And there were meetings that we attended together. Wonderful meetings that where chaired by a man that knew so much about the magical realm. He was an inspiration, this man, a wonderful inspiration. He had so many ideas on how things could change for the better, and how to go about changing what was wrong with our world. From the first moment I was taken to see him, I couldn't get enough of him. He was an absolute joy to listen to. He motivated me. I even got so speak to him privately on one or two occasions. I remember thinking at the time 'What could such a powerful and famous man want to talk to me for?' And each time, he gave me nothing but compliments and reassurances, saying that was beautiful, I was pure, and no one was above me because of that. I was smart, powerful, I had prestige, and I would soon learn how to carry that persona.
At one meeting in particular, my fiance and a few select others were invited to a smaller meeting with this man. I wanted to go as well. I wanted to continue to listen to him speak, his words were so powerful...unfortunately, I was not allowed to attend those meetings. Those meetings were for certain people only. I must admit that I was slightly miffed, but the man must have seen my disappointment, for he had pulled me aside. He had told me not to fret, that I would get my chance to serve his cause, but that this was not work that I need to be involved in. 'Everyone will have their job and place, my dear' he had said. 'And you shall have yours'.
I noticed, shortly there after, that things were indeed beginning to change. Perhaps for the better of the magical world, but for the better in my relationship. Between regular school work for both of us, and secret meetings that he had to attend, I was feeling rather neglected. It seemed as though everytime he came back from one of those meetings, he was energized, ecstatic even, but not because he was seeing me for the first time in three days. It was because of this man, because of what he was telling these people that were attending his meetings. And while I was very supportive of what this man's ideals were...I wanted some time with my future husband. But unfortunately for me, I wouldn't receive that. In fact, he would become angry with me when he would come home from the meetings. He would accuse me of not giving %100 to the cause, to him, or to the man whom we had both come to respect and admire so much. That, of course, was nonsense.
For those first two years of higher education, until I was 20, the subject of our arguments would be just that. We never fought about anything else until we graduated from our second schooling.
Our families had conspired to give us a comfortable starting mansion; 25 bedrooms, two studies, three kitchens, four living rooms, five and one half bathrooms, three rec rooms...it was gorgeous, and right on the bank of a beautiful blue flowing river. We had parties every weekend. Some of them were my friends, but most of them were the aquantinces that were being made at the meetings that my fiance would attend. Soon though, it became only the members of those meetings, and their girlfriends. Perhaps a few other guests would be invited, but usually, our house was reserved for the now close-knit and exclusive group that we had become. One of the most vivid memories that I have is walking into the first floor living room one night and seeing the leader of the small group that my fiance and our friends were now a part of gathered. A few women were also a part of the group, but I noticed that two girls that I chatted and had tea with on a daily basis were no where to be found. 'Where are Raven and Ellen?' I had asked.
I remember seeing everyones faces become either blank or stoney in expression. And then, His voice spoke to me: 'Miss. Raven and Miss. Ellen will no longer be able to attend our meetings, my dear. They were found to be weak of heart and mind for our cause.'
I remember feeling devastated. I was no longer allowed to associate myself with them in any way, shape, or fashion. They had been such good friends...they were outsiders to me now. I was better than them, I was told. They were nothing but flaws in His great plan, and they were nothing but threats to women like me that held a solid purpose in life.
And so it went. I became close to those women who associated with the members of my fiance's group, and they were my only friends. Some of them, I had known from Hogwarts, other from my higher schooling. Only one or two did I not know at all. However, it was great fun being with them. While our men were at meetings, we women would sit and converse about our weddings, mostly mine since it was the first one to be held. And we would talk about children, our futures, how great the world was going to be, now that He was going to take control and make things better for us.
But the closer we came to the wedding night, the more distant my relationship became. We were almost never together, and even on nights that he would be home, he always had to much to do, to many letters to write or another meeting to attend. And, although I knew that it wasn't my place, one night, I told him to stay home. I wanted to be near him, to just look at him, be with him, talk to him, find out how his day went, that sort of thing.
That was quite possibly the biggest mistake of my life. However, his reaction was definitely the most poignant sign that something in him had changed.
He struck me. He had never hit me before. I used to believe that he never even thought about it, but when his hand came quickly across my cheek, I realized that this was not the man that I had been hoping to marry when I was a naive 13 year old girl. I didn't know who this man was. All I knew at that point, was that he had struck me. He told me that I was never to order him to do something ever again, especially to stay home and be with me for one night. He called me selfish, immature, uncaring...
This happened four months before the wedding night. I sank into a depression. I was neglected. I was confused. I was hurt. Most importantly though...I was frightened. I was now frightened of the man that I was to marry in less than four months. I was frightened of the future, of what would become of our union. And I realized that I had one more thing to be frightend of.
Our children.
The entire reason for arranged marriages at that time in my social class was to keep the pureblood line strong in magic. Both of our families lines were pure, clean, not a drop of muggle blood between us, which, to this day, I am still very proud of. But pure blood or not, if he hit me, he would more than likely hit the child that we would no doubt create sooner, rather than later. But what could I do? I had very little power in my situation. I couldn't call the marriage off. That would have meant dishonor and ridicule for my family. I couldn't put them through that. And, it would disappoint Him. I believed him when he told me that I had a great purpose in life, but what if that great purpose was because of my fiance?
Two months before the marriage, I remember drinking my tea in the kitchen while reading a book. The maids were bustling around cleaning the house for that nights meeting. And in he walked. He was home early from his place of work. I was so happy to see him, I threw my arms around him and kissed him as deeply as I could. He hadn't touched me after that night he had struck me, and I had forgiven him. At that time, I was just so happy to see him home for once.
He gave no response. He did not kiss me back, he didn't even put his arms around me. He simply stood there. And when I pulled away to ask what the matter was, he only shook his head and walked away. I was left to stand in the kitchen, the servants that were in there staring at me, but obviously trying not to. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. The man I loved hadn't bothered to show me any affection...nothing, at all. He had just stood there, then left.
Never before in my life had I cried such bitter and pained tears. After he had left of course. I couldn't risk him seeing a tear stained face when that was not what I was supposed to be. When he walked out of the house though, and I heard the heavy doors slam signaling his exit, I ordered the servants to stay off of 4th floor, where my room was so that they would not hear my sobs.
So now, here I sit. I am in my room, perched on the edge of my king-sized canopy bed. The bed-set is made up of black, gold, and emerald green. My house colors from Hogwarts. The room itself is beautiful. A gold vanity, a fireplace with a cherry wood mantle lined in gold, Two emerald high backed chairs placed in front of it. Behind me there are french doors which open up to my balcony. The drapes which cover the doors are a sheer black material, held back with gold roping, and carpeting is green. I love this room. It is my favorite room in the entire mansion.
I look at my engagement band. I remember looking at this ring so fondly when I was 17. I would always admire and show it off, knowing that I was making all of the other girls extremely jealous. In fact, I enjoyed it. I loved to see the greenish glow of envy that their faces would display everytime I spoke of the wedding or the rest of my life or what our children would look like....
And now, I wish that I had been the one looking at me, showing off the ring. I wish I had been one of those jealous girls.
I know what my life will be from here on out. The wedding is tomorrow night. It is promised to be a most spectacular event. The ceremony begins at sundown, and the reception will last through the night. We are expecting at least 600 people, but more than likely, there will be more. And I will have to fake my happiness through the entire event.
Most women, when they marry, are on air before, during, and after their wedding. No one or no thing can touch them. They are invincible. Because they are in love, and because that love is returned. I however, am not lucky enough to have that. I can have anything I want; money, clothes, jewelry, another house if I wanted...but money won't by me the thing that I want most. What I want must be given freely, without constraint.
But I know now that that will never happen.
Tomorrow night, it will not be Narcissa Black being led down the aisle to marry Lucius Malfoy.
It will be a lamb being led to her slaughter.