The Final Fantasy Dating Agency

Chapter 1: Evil Plots and Boredom

It was a sunny day in Wutai. Sephiroth yawned and stretched.

"Ow!" Came an irritated grunt. Kuja glared at the silver-haired fiend, and carefully rearranged his skirt. Sephiroth shrugged, looking down at the town form the Da-Chao Mountain.

"Sorry." He said. Edea sighed.

"I'm bored."

"We all are. How are you supposed to have any fun around here?" Kuja moaned, brushing back his hair. Sephiroth rolled his eyes. They had been having the same conversation for days now. Ever since they had all been defeated by their respective enemy's, life had become increasingly dull. The three super villains had taken to sitting on the Da-Chao Mountain just to pass the time, complaining about life. Kuja ground his teeth.

"I hate that stupid monkey. I had everything going for me until he showed up. Just because he's Garland's favourite…"

"You weren't beaten up by your own orphans though, were you?" Edea pointed out. Sephiroth listened to the banter, eyes half-closed.

"We need to do something, to clear our bad names." Edea said, brushing her long black skirt down. Sephiroth started to pay a bit more attention.

"Whatever. I'm not donating any money to anything." Kuja warned. Edea nodded.

"Something that will get us money but a feeling of satisfaction, having done something good as well."

"Does something like that actually exist?" Sephiroth asked. Edea shrugged.

"Something that will bring people together and make them happy." 

I don't know… I'm not too good at the whole 'making people happy' thing. Killing them and causing them pain and misery – that's more my area." Sephiroth said doubtfully. Edea sighed exasperatedly.

"This is why you need to improve your whole image! Come on, it'll be fun!"

Kuja and Sephiroth highly doubted this.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

A month later the three baddies stood, gazing up at the sign above the doorway to their new building.

"THE FINAL FANTASY DATING AGENCY – Your ideal date found in a week!"

And under this, in miniscule writing is said 'No guarantees."

"See what we've managed to do? Not only do we get to bring people together, but we also charge them 10 Gil for it!" Edea said enthusiastically. Kuja flipped his hair over his shoulder in a disturbingly effeminate way.

"Well, it DOES look interesting. What do you think, Sephiroth?" The Mako infused eyes searched the sign.

"I suppose… at least we won't be bored anymore."

"Great! I already sent application forms to the other continents and alternate final fantasy universes. Now we just have to wait for the loveless losers to come rolling in." Edea said, rubbing her hands together in satisfaction.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In the Final Fantasy 9 world all was not well in Alexandria Castle. Servants all over the castle winced as the shrill tones of their queen reached their ears.

"Zidane! Why can't we go out for dinner?"

"I already told you! I'm meeting the guys at the inn for drinks. I take you out 6 nights a week. Why can't I have a night to myself? I like to meet other people, you know!" The tailed boy protested. Garnet glared at him.

"You're SO selfish, Zidane! And surprisingly enough I don't find watching you hanging from the battlements by your tail that exciting!"

She turned and stormed from the room. As she slammed the door to her bedroom, Dagger picked up the post.

"Bill, bill, advertisement, bill… for an airship? I'm going to kill Zidane." She muttered, throwing the mail to one side and looking at the last letter.

"A dating agency? Hmm…" She opened the letter.

Hi!

          Looking for love and unable to find it? Never fear, the Final Fantasy Dating Agency is here to help! Just fill in one of the enclosed forms and hand the rest out to your friends. Then return the form along with ten Gil and we'll find your ideal partner within a week!

A small, sadistic, satisfied and sweetly scary smile spread across the Queen's face. Picking up her pen she started to fill in two forms. One for herself.

And one for Zidane.

"He wants to talk to other people? Well let him!" She cackled.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Freya sighed. About ten minutes ago Dagger had skipped into the courtyard and thrust a piece of paper into her hands, telling her to cheer up for god's sake. Her words. Not Freya's.

Freya examined the application form again. A dating agency? Hmm. Interesting. It was true, she had pretty miserable lately. Ever since Lord Fratley had regained his memory and realised he had married a bar keeper in Treno while drunk, she had been down in the dumps.

Well… she was always prepared to try new things. Dagger had already told her that Amarant had agreed to fill in a form. She wasn't quite sure how Dagger had convinced the surly bounty hunter to do it, but then again Dagger could be quite convincing.

Freya started to fill in the form.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Adelbert Steiner watched Beatrix fill in the application with irritation. Yes, they had agreed to take a break from each other so as to focus better on their work, but why did she have to enter this ridiculous Agency?

He glared at his own form. Well, he wasn't about to be left out. If Beatrix was doing one, then he most certainly was going to as well. Show her who was in charge. And on top of that he was going to have to make sure that the Knights of Pluto trained a damn sight harder. There was no way he was going to let Beatrix's soldiers beat the Knights of Pluto AGAIN. He seized a pen and started to scribble on the form.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In the FF8 world, things weren't much better. Rinoa Heartilly walked around Balamb Garden, thoroughly irritated. Would it kill Squall to show a little emotion now and then? Sure, the Garden a lot of work, but they all helped.

Rinoa paused at a post box and looked down at the application forms in her hand. Squall wouldn't appreciate this. She knew that much. But maybe, if he went on a date with someone exactly like him, he would start to see exactly how she felt. And her own form? Well, that was just out curiosity!

She slipped the two letters through the slot and smiled.

Meanwhile, Selphie and Zell were in the canteen, eating Hotdogs. Selphie stuffed a hotdog into her mouth and said,

"Being single sucks."

"Yeah."

"I want to go out with someone! You know, to have fun!"  Zell nodded, and said a through a mouthful of hotdog,

"I know what you mean. Library girl put a restraining order on me. I'm not allowed within thirty feet of her at any time."

"Super-dooper-mega-bummer." Selphie said sympathetically.

They ate a few more hotdogs and the dinner lady came over with a new plate.

"Maybe you should apply for this new dating agency." She suggested, clearing away several plates. The two loveless heroes looked at her.

"What?" Selphie asked. The dinner lady handed her a couple of forms.

"They set you up with your ideal partner from their database."

"Hmm… well, no harm in trying."  Zell said, writing his name on the form. Selphie started to fill hers in too, eating another hotdog as she did.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

And now we return to the world of Final Fantasy 7.  But before we join our villains in Wutai, we first go to the peaceful village of Nibelheim. There we can find two women, and a cloaked man sitting in the sunshine.

The pink-clad Aeris kicked the ground with her combat boot. Tifa watched her sullenly. Ever since Aeris had been resurrected by accident (Someone had been using a life materia when lightening hit them. The resulting power surge caused the ancient to come back to life - unfortunately she was still at the bottom of the lake when it happened) life had been stressful. Cloud, never too bright especially after spending so long the lifestream, had had a heart attack when the drenched and rather annoyed Aeris knocked on their front door. After recovering, he had completely forgotten that Tifa existed, so glad was he to see his friend alive.

Aeris wasn't too bothered. She didn't really like Cloud that way. Tifa on the other hand was desperately in love with the spiky-haired hero. Vincent Valentine, always rather depressing, had merely joined them from lack of better things to do. Tifa groaned angrily.

"That's it! I give up! Cloud is never going to fall in love with me! I might as well give up now!"

"I know what you mean. I saved the bloody planet, and still no one wants to go out with me." The flower girl fumed. Vincent shrugged.

"The only woman I ever loved left me for an evil scientist. I'd say we're all a bit down on luck, especially in the love life area."

They sat in silence for a little longer. Then a kleptomaniac by name of Yuffie Kisaragi approached them.

"Gawd! You look like Sephiroth just summoned another meteor!"

"That would be good. Might liven this place up a little." Tifa grumbled. Yuffie rolled her eyes.

"I'm fed up with you three moping all the time. Here, fill in these. I'm doing one, Cloud's doing one, and I'm pretty sure Cid's doing one too! Shera got fed up with waiting for him and filled her own in. So I left one on Cid's paperwork pile. He doesn't even pay attention to this stuff, just filled it right on in."

She gave each of them an application form. Vincent gave her a withering look but the teenager's aggressively happy demeanour merely reflected the look.

"It'll be fun! You could meet a martial artist," she pointed at Tifa, "You could meet a gardener" She looked at Aeris, "And YOU could meet another vampire!"

"I'm not a vampire." Vincent muttered sourly. Yuffie shrugged.

"Whatever. Just fill them in."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Half an hour later Yuffie carried the pile of forms to the letter box. Tipping them in, she dusted her hands and turned around, bumping straight into Reno of the Turks.

"Reno!"

"Oh god, it's you." The red haired man groaned. Yuffie glared at him before notice the letter in his hand.

"Oh my GAWD! You're entering the Dating Agency."

"It was a bet. I get a free dinner from Rude if I go on two dates from their agency." He explained, pushing the letter into the box. Yuffie giggled.

"Whatever dude."

"Hey, it's the truth!"

"Sure it is. Well, see you around!" Yuffie skipped away, still chortling.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Edea gleefully rifled through the huge amount of reply slips.

"This is perfect! We've already made tons of money and now have loads of lives to mess with!"

Kuja opened an application form.

"Geez, what a loser." He said, tossing the form at Sephiroth who read it. Edea snatched it from him.

"Come on, we have to open these and sort them out!"

The two male (and I use male the loosest sense possible) villains exchanged weary glances. Sometimes this woman's enthusiasm was slightly overwhelming.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *