Right, well. Hi everybody! *waves* Please don't hurt me for this, I'm sure you've all read worse crack elsewhere. Oh and yes, I am alive.

Anyway, this has been sitting in my 'Gears of War' folder (everything's all lovely and labelled =P) for ages and I was unsure about posting it because I have this feeling that it's not finished yet (argh!) but I can't think of anything else to write (again, argh!). So the reason/motivation/whatever for posting this up is because I am going on holiday's down to NSW, yey, and in doing so, I will most likely be cut off from the interwebs for the about-three-weeks that I'm down there (for this, I need a big 'NO!'. Ah, here it is . In case you can't see that, it's no (with 15 o's) dot com. Don't forget the w's!)

Righto, so enjoy my crack-filled wonder with the least amount of pain possible. Oh, and feel free to think up your own ending if you think mine is inadequate =P (no seriously, put them in the reviews xD I can learn from all you wonderful people!)

Something was different but Dom couldn't quite place it.

Until he opened his eyes and saw the tree branches and snow anyway.

"What the fuck happened?" the Latino sat up, a hand to his head and wondered where his gear was.

"Hey Dom, baby!" a voice he couldn't quite place rang out from behind him. Must have been the feminine tone.

"Shut up 'Tina." Now that was definitely Baird. Dom got up to turn around.

"Baird? What's goi..." The Gear froze mid-turn, staring at the odd pair before him.

"You gun' finish that sentence, baby?"

"Cole...?"

Before him was a large, muscley black woman who looked exactly like Cole, minus the man parts and plus the female parts...and a dress, a baby-blue flowery one at that...

Beside...her... was Baird. At least, he thought it was Baird, though he was pretty sure the Baird he knew would never wear a flowing, green dress that complimented his eyes.

What the fuck? And now he felt like bashing his own head in.

"Dominiiiicccc!" Was that a squeal? Bloody manly one if it was.

Next thing he knew, his face was buried in the snow at his feet...which wasn't cold for some reason.

"Get the hell off!"

"Oh! I'm sorry Dom!" The person on his back got off and pulled him up, dusting the snow off. Dom batted the strangely familiar hands away and turned around to face a sheepishly grinning Marcus.

He did a double-take. What?

There was Marcus alright, grinning a stupid, shit-eating grin, strangely Cheshire-cat-like. The sight almost made him scream in terror but he managed to rein it in.

"M...Marcus? Are you...alright?"

"Of course I'm alright! Why wouldn't I be alright? Are you alright? I didn't mean to flatten you before, I was just so happy to see you...!"

The Latino blinked. That had to be the most he'd ever heard Marcus say.

Before he could say anything more the scenery changed. He was now standing next to Female-Cole and facing a line of Locust drones wearing...gangster clothing?

"What's going on?" he blurted out, and seven pairs of eyes turned to him.

"We're fightin' 'gainst the Locust baby!" Fem-Cole exclaimed.

"Well where are the guns?"

From the other side of Fem-Cole, Baird raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow, hands on his hips, "What guns? We're having a dancing competition! Did you fall and hit your head on something?"

Dom didn't answer, too busy staring at the short lilac skirt the blonde was wearing, "Why are you wearing a skirt?"

The blonde looked down briefly before spinning around in a circle and grinning at Dom, "You like it? I think it looks nice."

The man nearly jumped out of his skin when all four Locust growled before realizing they were looking Baird up and down. The blonde giggled, giggled, and blew them a kiss.

"I don't feel too well..."

Marcus came into view, smiling and...at this point Dom just shut his eyes and stood there, willing himself to wake up.

The leotard-wearing man put a hand on Dom's shoulder and guided him to a fallen tree, "Maybe you better sit this one out."

"Yup, will do, no need to convince me..." He promptly fainted.

(Insert coin here)

"Dom. Dom. Wake up. Dom?"

Dom's eyes shot open and, upon seeing his best friends face hovering over him, let out a loud, ear-piercing scream. Marcus jerked backwards in shock and Dom took the chance to leap off the cot and bolt out the door, still screaming.

He passed a stunned Cole, thankfully once more a man, and a confused looking Baird. He was now running, laughing and screaming all at the same time, prompting many strange looks from the people he passed.

"Someone stop him!"

He could hear three pairs of booted feet running after him and ran just that much faster.