I realized I didn't do this.
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or the song Someone Like You all rights go to their respective owners. I do claim the idea however :)
Sorry if there are a bunch of grammar errors I will try to fix all of them, if I miss some feel free to bring to my attention. Thanks Enjoy :)
I leaned my head out of the open window feeling the cold air whip my light cinnamon hair against my face. I smiled as the cold brought back memories. Much like the time we were engaged.
He had lowered himself down onto one knew and vowed that he'd marry me and I returned the vow. His face warmed even though there were ice crystals cascading around us and making our breath come in puffs. He was so happy, and I was too, he'd held my face securely in his hands, and looked into my eyes, ocean water and grass colliding, and somehow his fingertips weren't cold. All I could think in that moment was that he was to be officially mine and nothing was going to change. He'd kissed me with so much passion that I was sure. The problem is "to be" is a flaky phrase.
Such a bittersweet moment could not help but be compared to the next time someone said that they wanted me forever, both moments drastically different along with the two polar opposite men.
In the mountains, with the sun high atop us is where it happened. I was in Jake's cabin and he was outside trying to chop wood, because it still gets cold at night up there. I sat there listening to the soothing and rhythmic chopping of the wood, and then I heard him cry out followed by a sickening silence. I exploded from my chair and out the door. Behind the cabin, I seen him down on his knees, his back to me, and he looked like he was clutching something in his hands. His hand was being groped in his other tightly. I grabbed for it and he pulled away. I reached again and gripped his fingers to pry his other hand away, he was always a baby about theses things, he kept his fist closed tight, his knuckles were snow white and I hissed at him to open his hands. Finally, he did and there in his reddening palm sat a beautiful ring. I looked up at hi confused while his face stood glowing. His golden brown hair falling into his eyes and my hand itched to push it away. He always would wait too long to get it cut. His mouth turned up and he exhaled nervously, the way he always does when he gets romantic, then he said:
"Baby, will you marry me?
I started to cry and his eyes bugged out worried. He kept asking why I was crying and finally I told him that he scared the life out of me and I had really thought that he was hurt. He laughed his breathy laugh shakily and wrapped his arms around me. I cried on his should for a second of two before regaining my composure and slapping him on the arm. He pulled back from me and held onto my arms.
"Are you crying because I asked you?" He inquired.
I shook my head no and told him he was a jerk and he really had me scared and worried there for a second. He laughed and took my left hand when he looked up at me for reassurance I nodded my head and the ring was slipped onto my finger, a perfect fit. His eyes shined and his mouth tipped before he held my face and pressed his lips on mine.
"You're mine now Clare, forever." He promised then he held me close like he'd never let go.
"We're almost at your destination miss." The taxi driver commented.
I smiled a thank you into the rearview mirror. I looked down onto my left hand and seen the shiny metal wink at me from my finger. My other hand stroked over it while the cab stopped. I gave him the money and stepped out of the car.
The air smelled of rain and coffee. There I stood in front of the familiar building; I have been there many times. I sat at a table inside with Adam countless times and listened to Alli outside while she fumed over a stupid list of the 'hottest girls' at our school. At the table by the window I interviewed him while he was going through some problems and at the bar is where Jake sat before we would later leave to go on a movie date together. I never will know exactly what he did after I left. I shook my head causing my now longer hair to flutter over my face. When I was younger I used to keep it short and curl it, but since I'm older now and that is the past I've kept it longer. Every now and then, however, I cut it short and curl it making Jake always get the same shine, like he is remembering everything form the past.
When I walked into the café the most familiar scent hit me. Over at the end of the bar is where I had talked to Fitz when he got out from juvie and found God. It is also where he got made and took me away from there after giving me what seemed like an ultimatum. The bell on the door rang as someone entered the warm and cozy café. I felt the cold rush against my back as the door closed. I didn't recognize the people behind the counter and I wondered is Spinner still owned the store.
"Hey, can I have a chai-tea?" The customer ordered.
I knew that voice; I would know that voice anywhere. I turned around and there he was blue jeans, black shirt, and a black sports jacket with a white stripe down the arms. His hair was shorter, but it still fell past his ears. He finished with the employee and I turned around. I heard his footsteps and was going to stay put, but his shoulder bumped mine and I stumbled. His hand grabbed my arm and I stood up straight as a pin.
"Sorry miss-" his eyes found my face and widened with surprise, "Clare?"
"Hi Eli." I smiled softly, "How have you been?"
"Good. Things have be good. Um, uh, do you want something to drink?"
"Yeah that would be great."
"Do you still drink mint-leaf tea?" he asked.
"Yeah." He remembered, I thought to myself.
" Um, why don't you grab us a seat?"
"Sure." I slid up into a chair at one of the table by the window.
When he returned there were two steaming cups in his hand. I thanked him and wrapped my hands around the warm cup. We sat in silence for however long. He was looking down into his drink and I couldn't help but study the familiar planes of his face just slightly older now and more mature. His eyes still the rich green I knew, his pale pink lips still always tilted, and his skin still held the color of a fading tan. I looked down to his hands around his cup; he still wore a few select rings. In addition to the old ones, there was a new one on his left hand. I muttered a silent 'oh' that I was sure he couldn't hear, however immediately his green eyes shot up and for a moment I was lost.
"What?" He prodded.
"You're married?" It was less of a question and more a obvious statement.
"Yeah I…" he trailed off, I doubted he really had anything else to say, and his eyes flicked away from mine.
"Why are you so shy?" I asked, "You never used to hold back. Not from me at least." I wondered aloud, doubting that he heard the last part.
"Things are different now." He answered quietly.
When he looked back down his hair fell into his eyes like it used to. I took a sip from my tea.
"Why?" I reached up and pushed it back smoothing it back with the rest of his hair.
"Time passes. We aren't the same people anymore." He muttered.
"Who says that? I've changed, but I am still the same person. I still love writing, reading, I still have my faith in God and the promise I've kept to him. Against all odds I still love you, maybe not the same way as before of course. I do though always have always will, it isn't over Eli."
"Clare, I'm married…"
"And I'm engaged-!"
"What?" He finally looked me straight in my eyes.
"You heard me Eli," I said softly.
"To Jake?"
"You already know the answer to that question." I answered, "Besides it doesn't matter now does it?"
"I, um, don't know what I am supposed to say?"
"There is a reason I came here. I had to see you before I… anyway what do you do now?"
"I'm working at a publishing company and writing plays for the local theatre."
"Wow, your dreams came true I am so proud of you Eli. I wish I had been there when you accomplished what you've wanted for so long. You always wanted to be able to do what you love."
"The first few stories plays were about you." He interjected bluntly.
"My dreams were always about you. Then Jake found me, again." I replied bluntly back.
"How is he?"
I laughed. "He's really good, but you didn't really want to know did you Eli?" I smirked at him. "I do, however, want to know about your wife what is her name?"
"Candace is her name. She's pregnant again three months along."
"That is wonderful!"
"Please let's not talk about me right now. You are engaged now, how did it happen."
"I know you don't actually want to know, but he asked me while we were up at his cabin. Said he wants me forever." I smiled.
"That sounds really nice." He commented monotonely.
"I want to meet her, Candace I mean." I said spontaneously.
"Clare I don't know if that is a good idea." He looked up at me and something about my face must've changed his mind. "You know what, ok."
We both finished our drinks and thanked the waiter when we left the cold air hit us both. He asked about my car and I informed him that I took a taxi. When he asked me why I replied:
"When I came here I wanted to make sure that you wouldn't forget me. I wanted to leave everything from my new life behind so that I could completely let go of my old one, and I hoped that you would remember me like before."
"I could never forget you. No matter how much you change." Was all he said.
He led me to his car and I couldn't help but flash to when we were younger and he would lead me to his car though it wasn't a silver, little Nissan, but a black, old hearse named Morty. He opened my car door and I slid into the smooth black seats. I don't think Eli ever will or can let go of black. In the back there was a car seat strapped into the middle. I laughed as he entered into the car, this was so different from Morty, I doubted that it even broke down enough to be considered even remotely like that battered, old clunker. Eli looked at me questioningly I told him I was thinking of Morty.
"You always hated that car." He reminded.
"Yeah well I think you might've overestimated my hate when you crashed it."
He laughed without humor, "I really had some problems then didn't I?" He started up the car.
"You didn't know you were bi-polar then." I said softly.
"Yeah," he muttered. "You know I always thought we'd end up together. No matter what happened I thought we'd always find each other again."
I let out a short breathy laugh. "Me too, in our golden years I thought that there was no one else I could end up with."
"I guess we did find each other again."
"We wouldn't be here, in this situation I mean, if we hadn't"
"Remember the summer after you found out you were bi-polar?"
"Of course, I found you in the woods bleeding. You nearly killed me when I grabbed you."
"I nearly kissed you, to get back at Jake. After though I'm not sure that would have been the only reason I wanted to."
" I wanted to kiss you too; I always wanted to kiss you."
"Then Jake and Drew found us."
"Yeah." He said almost sadly.
"What would have happened if they hadn't found us?" I asked.
"Please don't go into the what ifs, anyway that didn't really make a difference we were together again anyway, hell we were even enga-." He cut off.
"Engaged," I finished, "You can say it, we were engaged."
"Then we weren't" he added.
The memory flashed behind my eyelids of the last time I had seen Eli. The weather was still cool. It was April, six months we had been engaged. We'd managed to go to the same college after high school or more so I managed to go the same college as him since he graduated the year before me, along with Jake. I was waiting for him in the park it was a usual ritual, it was easier on Eli if we had scheduled routines. Eli and I started dating again my junior year of high school after things just couldn't work out between us. My last encounter with Eli was my junior year of college.
I was sitting under a tree waiting for him reading a book as usual. I heard his uneven footfalls before I seen him but when I did I held back a gasp because it would only make it worse. When I looked up he was paper white, out of breath, and looked as if he was about to blanch. He had been struggling with his bi-polar tendencies. I stood up, quickly alert, and I put my hands on either side of his face, my thumbs resting before his ears and my fingertips grazing his ear length hair. He put his hands over mine and looked straight into my eyes, piercing my soul, I instantly felt cold creep through my body and race towards my rapidly beating heart. There is only a few times I have ever felt that way, the most memorable was after I had cleaned his locker, before finding out he hoarded. His green eyes were blazing with icy fire and I wanted to shrink away from him, but I knew I had to be strong for him.
"Eli talk to me. What is going on? We're going to work through this. Come on you have to-"
"Stop!" he shouted and his hands tightened on mine.
"Eli breath. Did you take your medicine?"
"Damn it Clare! Stop talking."
My mouth snapped closed with surprise.
"We need to stop this." He said a little calmer.
"Eli!"
"Clare. Shut up." He said deadly low. His hands tightened painfully.
"You're hurting me." I whimpered.
His face looked as some kind of peace had come to him. His hands loosened.
"I'm sorry. We can't see each other again." Then he slowly let go of my hands, turned, and strode away.
I stood there shocked and confused. Eli had outbursts before causing us to fight, but never like this. As long as I gave him some time he came back, but when I went to the apartment we shared he wasn't there. All of his stuff was gone and the key on the kitchen counter carved a whole into my heart. He didn't even leave a note; there was still hope though I sat on the couch and hours passed, but I could not stop counting the minutes he was gone. He didn't come back, when I gave up waiting I went looking I knew his schedule like my own I would wait outside classes or until he got off work, but I never saw him again. I finally gave up completely, then one holiday I went home and there Jake was. I had not seen him since I went to college with Eli. He was the same as ever, charming and sweet, before I knew it I had bounced back again like a ping-pong ball.
"Welcome to my humble abode."
His house was humble, and warm. The outside was a cream color with a burgundy door and shutters. He opened the door and called out. A little girl with pink cheeks, pink lips, green eyes, and short, curly brown hair came running into the foyer. She squealed for Eli, for daddy, he dropped down and caught her swinging her up into his arms; he touched her nose and asked here where mommy was "kitchen" she squealed some more. Finally she turned her gaze on me with eyes bright and full of curiosity He introduced me as Clare, a good old friend of daddy's, who came to visit. She looked me over for a second and it felt familiar, Eli had done the same the first time I met him. When she was done with her appraisal her mouth fell into a lopsided grin, my heart thumped painfully, no denying it that little girl was Eli's daughter.
"She looks just like you." I smiled.
His chest swelled and his mouth tipped sideways, like his baby, as he beamed at his little girl. His wife waddled through the doorway and stopped with a surprised "Oh." She was a gorgeous woman with long strawberry hair, royal blue eyes, and the pregnant woman glow.
"Hello." I greeted. "I'm Clare Edwards."
"Oh!" she repeated with recognition, wiping her hands on the pink apron around her waist. "I've heard so much about you."
"Some good I hope." I smiled.
She laughed and it sounded like Santa's Sleigh Bells, "Please, please come in I was just finishing dinner. Clarissa go wash up. By the way I'm Candace." She said patting her daughter's bottom as she ran off.
After everyone was cleaned up and comfortable we all sat down at the table. Eli's wife asked Clarissa how school was and she answered with chopped up, elementary, sentences that were impressive for her age of 4(and a half she claimed). Candace moved onto Eli and he talked about a story that the publishers were considering and the play that had been bouncing in his head. When she asked about the play he told her it was about a man going through a mid-life crisis with a wife at home pregnant with twins. While he goes off to America he is faced with murder, infidelity, and impending addiction.
Watching them was like watching my past bleed and break from me. After the plates were scraped clean and cleared away Eli took Clarissa up to bed, Candace went for the dishes but I convinced her to sit down and rest while I do them. After a little silence with the dished clinking she said:
"You know Eli's writing is never completely fictional."
"I know, no writing ever is," I smiled wiping my hands on the towel and turned around, "I also know Eli. Please don't take this the wrong way, but Eli looks at you guys the way he used to look at me. Did he ever tell you about high school?" she nodded, "Well then you understand what I mean. Believe me, Eli loves you and is incredibly happy. He isn't a middle-aged man on a crazy sexed out trip." I laughed.
"Thank you." She smiled sweetly, "When I first met him I thought he was in a relationship. He's say things like he had to get home and see his wife," tears sprung in my eyes so I bit my lip to keep them pinned up. "or that she would be mad if he was late for their date every Friday night." I made a weird choking sound, Eli and I would go out every Friday no matter if we were mad at each other or just plain tired. "Then one day it seemed to click that you weren't there. I think he finally was able to grieve."
"That's good." I said turning back to the dishes and letting a few tear roll down my face. "How is he dealing with being bi-polar?"
"He's doing so well, but it is scary sometimes when I see Clarissa showing signs of having her father's problems/"
"You obviously have what he needs. I am sure she will be okay too."
Not long afterwards Eli came back and we all had a glass of apple juice, the substitution since Candace was pregnant, on the couch with the fire blazing warmth into our fingers and toes. It was interesting to watch them, their clasped hands rested in Eli's leg that was crossed lazily over his other leg. As the night wore on Candace, or Candy, laid her head on his shoulder, then she got quieter and she curled her legs under herself. When she sat like that you could really see just how far along she really was; she was not huge at all but there was a distinct rounded bump. She was already accustomed to working around it from cooking, cleaning (mildly of course), and even walking. Before a while, she stopped talking altogether, her eyes dropped shut, and a light snore seeped from her lips. Eli looked down and it hurt to know I wasn't the only one he'd looked at that way. He stroked her cheek and a soft smile crept onto her mouth. He kissed her nose causing her eyes to flutter. She looked up disoriented then realized where she was. She started on an apology jig, but I told her I should be leaving anyway. Eli persuaded her to let him put her to bed. When he took her up I pulled out my phone and dialed a taxi.
"She's out like a light." He laughed warmly.
"She deserves rest Eli. Don't over work her okay. Help Candace out you can go off to America now." He smiled and nodded. "I called a cab."
"Oh okay."
"Here is my number for you and Candace." I handed him a piece of paper. "I'll send you guys an invitation. Kids are welcome." I laughed.
"Here I'll give you ours." He said disappearing into the kitchen then coming back with a piece of paper for me as well.
"Thanks." I put the numbers in my purse then looked up at him, "Walk me out?"
"Of course."
The cold air was like a bucket of ice water after an evening by the fire the taxi was already on the curbside idling. I stopped on the curb to turn and look up at him. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulder slumped slightly forward as if doing so could ward off the cold. As I looked up at him little puffs fell into his dark hair; he looked down at me and his hair fell into his face, again I pushed it back and this time I let myself rest my hand there on his cheek.
"I never received my goodbye kiss." I whispered a little out of breath.
To my surprise his own voice was uneven when he spoke. "I wanted to give it to you." Eli's hand came out of his pocket and curled around my torso. I leaned onto my toes while I put my other hand on his shoulder while he recklessly wrapped his other arm around my torso; everything was reckless when it came to him. He was so close that I could almost feel the familiar brush of his soft, unusually pink, lips in the cold snow. His lips, slightly open, ghosted over mine; his warm breath fanning over my shivering cheeks that were rosy from the freezing temperature. As my eyes flutter closed a pair off forest green eyes gazed at me surrounded by dark curling hair, even though his family would most likely never find out I could not do it, not to Jake or Eli's family. Everything went through my mind in a second and before our lips connected I turned my head and gathered every ounce of will power to croak out a measly "no." His soft lips pressed upon my cheek and for a second I regretted stopping him, where out skin met a small fire began to blaze under the surface.
"I-I just… your wife and Clarissa… family… Jake… I'm sorry." I finished breathlessely.
"I know." He whispered shamefully. "You always were the sensible one." He tried to laugh, but it came out as a strangled, hoarse, choke.
"Can I hug you?" he almost begged.
"Of course." I said with a little more fervor than intended.
His arms tightened around me and I clung to his neck; I remembered holding him like this when we were younger when I'd questioned my faith and broke down to him when my parents got divorced, or when I seen the gun in his hearse trunk. Every time I hugged him like that had one thing in common; it was a time I thought I was losing him, I could not help feel the resemblance of this event, too. He crushed me so tight to him as if he could fold me into him, but he couldn't and that has always been Eli's problem. I finally pulled away and grabbed his hands in mine. I whispered a goodbye and walked away slowly letting my hand slip from his and finally letting go completely, our fingertips parting painfully. He dragged on a heavy smile as I opened my door to the cab and slid inside pulling the door closed I gave the driver an address and turned back to look out the window before I realized I was crying a drop of salt water found my hand and glistened there. I watched as the cab pulled away from the dark figure behind us framed by the pure snow, and I could have sworn there was something glistening on his cheek too. When he got too far away to see I realized:
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never might, I find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you two.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
I would love to hear/read what you think.