Title: Something I Can Never Have

Author: Keitorin (Chou ni Natte)

Fandom: Gundam Wing

Pairings: Quatre x Duo, Quatre x Duo x Trowa

Rating: PG-13

Summary: It should have been the end of it after that (he should have know by then; it was never the end), but Duo couldn't stop thinking about the question and his answer.

Author's note: Title taken from the song with the same name by Nine Inch Nails. The inspiration for this came from my Gundam Wing pairing/rating/prompts generator at tanomono dot net/generators.

Results:

Pairing: Duo x Quatre

Rating: R

Prompts: promise, infection, pity

I didn't hit them all, but I'm just glad to have been inspired in the first place.

Disclaimer: I don't claim to own Gundam Wing, and I make no profit from writing fanfiction.

"Whew, that was a close one, eh Quat?" Duo called over his shoulder as he entered the designated safe house.

They were returning from a mission given to them by Lady Une to blow up a stash of mobile suits that had been kept well hidden. Not for long though. The Gundam pilots were working to get rid of any remaining threats since the war ended months before.

Duo and Quatre didn't often get to work together before, but lately they had been put together more often than not. Quatre was becoming more confident in his leadership and strategy skills, whereas Duo was often the one who got to blow things up or take the enemies down.

Wufei was partnered with Sally full-time, while Heero and Trowa were switched between Duo and Quatre. Quatre's sisters were continuing to take care of the Winner family business for the time being. Duo often stayed with Quatre in their downtime.

The two had already dropped of their duffels full of supplies before, so Duo headed towards the bedroom to grab his.

"I'm going to go take a shower. That's the downside to explosions! Very messy if you're nearby when it goes off." Duo joked, hand on the doorknob as he turned to grin at the other boy.

He was startled as he nearly came face to face with the blond, who wore a serious expression as he took Duo by the arm and pulled him away from the doorway.

"Quatre?" Duo questioned in a bewildered tone.

"You're injured." Quatre responded in an almost accusing tone. He turned Duo around to see better. There on his left shoulder was a gash a few inches wide, but luckily not deep enough to need stitches. Duo had long gotten used to being stitched up, but that didn't mean he liked pain that came with it.

"Really? Huh! Don't worry, it doesn't hurt." Duo reassured him.

Quatre ignored him, pushing him down into the nearest chair at the table.

"I'll be back with the first aid kit."

Duo started to argue, but seeing Quatre's 'dead-serious' expression stopped him and he gave in with a shrug. He knew when not to argue with the usually gentle boy.

Quatre returned quickly with a box of supplies and a towel.

He set the box on the table and stood behind Duo. Before he began cleaning the wound, he carefully raised the long braid up and slid it over Duo's right shoulder.

Silence reigned the whole time Quatre cleaned the wound. Duo, worried about Quatre's mood, decided to fill the silence.

"It was a good idea to place that last bomb where we did. I didn't expect there to be a mobile doll guard dog like that. Good thinking, Quat."

When there was no reply, Duo frowned and looked up at the blond.

Quatre's face was a bit pinched and he seemed to be focused entirely on taking care of Duo's wound, but it was obvious that something was up with the kind boy who tended to worry too much.

"Q-man? You okay?"

Quatre's movements against his back stopped, and Duo felt a gust of warm air on his shoulder as Quatre sighed quietly.

"Duo…you were hurt." The boy pointed out, seeming to struggle for words to explain his feelings.

"It's not bad, Quat. It was just a bit of shrapnel. Luckily it was the left side." Duo tried to reassure him again. Injury and death were risks of their job, and they both knew it. He hadn't been hurt in a while, at least nothing beyond scratches and scrapes, but it was hard to forget the risks they took with each mission. He wondered what Quatre was thinking to be upset about this injury.

"I know. I know that, and I know that it's the risks we take. But I don't want…I don't want something bad to happen to you." Quatre frowned, as if unsatisfied with his words. "We've been really close these past months, and I don't want to lose that. I just want you to be more careful, Duo."

Duo thought about that. It was true that he was a bit reckless at times. He truly hadn't meant to be this time, but he had been standing a bit too close to the building when the explosion went off. Luckily, Quatre had mostly been directing him and had been out of range.

Despite that he hated to make Quatre worry, it warmed him that Quatre was afraid for him. It was nice to know that someone would be sad if something were to happen to him. He understand that feeling as well – he would be devastated if something were to happen to any of the pilots. They'd become an irreplaceable part of his life.

"Quat, I'm sorry. I'll try to be more careful, okay?" He promised seriously, looking into the other boy's eyes.

Quatre returned the look for a moment before letting out a breath, and to his surprise, he lowered his head until his forehead softly came into contact with Duo's.

Duo stared at Quatre's closed eyelids for a moment before closing his own. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Duo's protesting neck warned him that he should return to his proper position soon or risk further injury to his person.

Just as he started to pull away, Quatre leaned back and surprised Duo once more.

He adjusted his head, turned it slightly to the side and pressed his lips to Duo's in a chaste kiss.

Duo hadn't expected that at all. For one, while he knew that Quatre was not wholly innocent, he hadn't thought that Quatre would initiate something like this, even with Trowa, whom Duo thought Quatre held some affection for. Secondly, he'd had no idea of any affection Quatre might have had for Duo himself besides their friendship. And he was pretty sure friends didn't kiss one another on the lips, not matter how innocent the kiss.

Admittedly, Duo had thought about it himself, though. In some way, Duo loved all of the pilots, and had even once had notions of being with the pilot of Wing Zero, but by the end of war had given up on the idea seeing that Heero couldn't be with anyone until he learned to live with himself. Every pilot had to find a way to live with themselves, but Heero was something else. Duo thought the other boy would benefit more from having friends than a lover.

Duo had become quite close with Quatre inside and out of missions. They often slept in the same room in safe houses, being the type to like human presence and contact when they had nightmares or just needed comfort. They'd found something in each other that they couldn't get from anyone else. One could find intimacy with anyone, but it was the emotional bond that really linked the two together.

Duo had just had no idea that Quatre saw him as something more. Or was Duo just being paranoid? That was definitely a possibility, but he didn't like being unsure about something about something as important as this.

The kiss stopped when they became aware of the need for oxygen. Quatre silently went back to fixing up Duo's wound, leaving Duo to finish sorting through his racing thoughts.

Afterwards, they ate a small meal from a can, Duo taking a painkiller for the pain along with it. The silence was eventually broken as Duo joked about random topics and Quatre responded with laughs and retorts of his own. The kiss was never far from Duo's thoughts though, and when he caught Quatre sneaking glances at him, he figured from the other's as well.

That night, Duo lay awake for longer than he wanted to be. He couldn't stop thinking, wondering what Quatre had meant with that kiss. Had it just been some form of comfort, or reassurance to Quatre that Duo was okay?

This was a time Duo wished he was more experienced with that sort of thing. He sighed to himself and wiggled in place, trying to get comfortable on his right side. He was facing the blond and could tell that he was still awake as well by his breathing.

After a few more minutes of feeling uncomfortable, he gave up with a grumble, stood up, dragged his mattress and placed it beside the other boy's. He could feel Quatre watching him as he settled down again.

Duo felt better being closer to him, but he still felt a bit…empty somehow. It wasn't until several minutes later, when Quatre cautiously shifted closer and put an arm around his middle, that Duo felt complete. He reached a hand up to gently hold onto the other boy's and promptly fell asleep.

Sometime during the night, Duo had rolled slightly onto his left side. It was the pain in his shoulder that had woken him up, but it was their position that kept him from adjusting his position and going back to sleep.

Quatre was facing him, practically melting into his body. His arms were pressed into Duo's chest, his head buried into his neck. Warm air breathed onto his skin every few seconds. Their legs were entwined, groins pressed together quite…intimately.

Duo uncharacteristically blushed and froze at the awkward situation. On one hand, he was enjoying Quatre's warmth and the contact of his body, but on the other hand, his shoulder was throbbing a bit and the more he thought about their…contact, the more he was beginning to get ideas unbecoming of a friend towards another friend, but unfortunately expected of a teenager.

He tried to pull away, but Quatre just tightened his legs further and twined his fingers in Duo's shirt. Duo gave up when his shoulder protested at the movements that made the skin stretch in a painful way.

The only results Duo got for his effort was a complaining shoulder and more contact as Quatre shifted even closer. Duo's eyes widened as Quatre unintentionally moved against his groin and his body reacted without his permission.

Duo groaned quietly and willed his body to calm down and maybe for something blunt to come by and knock him out.

He spent several minutes repeating those sentiments, not realizing that he was getting antsier as time went by and he found no rest or relief.

By the end, he was tacking on reminders that this was his best friend who was interested in his other friend, and that it was wrong to react like this to a sleeping, innocent and unknowing victim.

"Duo?" A sleepy, slightly husky voice broke through Duo's thought process. He froze for a long second before forcing himself to relax.

"Shh, go back to sleep Q-bean, I just need to use the bathroom." Duo gently smoothed Quatre's bangs away from his face as the blond peered blearily up at him.

Duo began to extract himself from the other, hoping to get away before Quatre realizing their intimate position.

He made the mistake of leaning into his injured shoulder, and had to stop where he was for a moment to let the discomfort subside. By that time, Quatre's eyes were fully open and staring straight at him.

"Uh…bathroom, right." Duo mumbled, scooting back off the bed to make an escape.

He was stopped by a tight grip on his shirtsleeve, forcing him to turn back to the blond with a questioning look.

He was praying to Shinigami that Quatre hadn't noticed their position, and hoped Quatre thought his squirming was only because of his discomfort at his wound, and not because of any…reaction he might have had to their proximity.

"Duo, are you attracted to me?" Quatre sounded fully awake now, and rather than upset, he sounded serious in his question and truly curious about the answer.

Duo mentally winced. So he'd noticed Duo's strange reaction. He thought seriously about his response. He never lied (at least about the important stuff), after all.

He couldn't deny that he was attracted to the blond. All of the pilots were attractive in their own ways. But it wasn't just his looks that attracted Duo to Quatre; it was his personality (not to mention quirks). It was the way he came off as naïve or innocent to unknowing people, but was truly a leader and strategist on the battlefield. The way he could kill a man and still apologize, because he knew in his heart what he had to do for peace even though he would be sacrificing a part of himself in the process. The way he didn't flaunt his wealth. It was how he wanted to help everyone, to heal them however he could. It was how he'd been healing Duo without even knowing that he was doing it.

But he couldn't deny that Quatre's physical aspects were just as great. He'd grown since the war, and it was obvious to see that he was one of the most alluring young men on the planet. The screaming fangirls in the background whenever he was on the news said it all.

"I…uh…" Duo paused and frowned. He hated not being able to just come out and say what he was thinking. He'd never had this much trouble before. He decided to muster up his joking demeanor to get it out. "You've really grown up into a handsome young man, Q-babe! Have you seen the fangirls faint whenever you so much as glance at them?" The white of his teeth flashed in the dark as he grinned.

"So…you wouldn't object if I did this?" Quatre sat up, placed a studying hand on Duo's uninjured shoulder and kissed Duo again.

Only this time, it wasn't chaste at all, but deeply passionate, as if Quatre was putting all his feelings into it. Duo found himself lost in them and the feelings it brought in him, and it was only when a silk, wet tongue swept over his lips that he realized what he was doing.

"Whoa, whoa Quat!" He pushed the blond back so he could stare into his face. He was surprised to see the disappointed and rejected look on his friend's face.

"Quatre…I thought you liked Trowa?"

Quatre surprised him by blushing, the tips of his ears turning red. It was surprisingly adorable. It seemed as if Quatre had been trying to be confident, but Duo's question had knocked him for a loop.

"I…I do like him. Though I don't know if he feels the same way." He paused in thought. Duo waited patiently, though he was honestly still recovering himself. "There've been times when I thought that he might return my feelings, but then I doubt myself. He has the people at the circus. I think they're the only family he's really known. After we're done with this job, I know he's going to go back there. And I'll have to return to L4 myself. I just don't see how we can be together." During his speech, Quatre had pulled away from Duo and now sat with his knees raised up, chin resting on his kneecaps with his arms wrapped around his legs.

"I think he does feel the same way, and if you want it enough, there's always a way to make it work even if you have to split time between him and work." Duo said firmly, scooting closer and placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.

Quatre gave him a small smile. "Thanks, Duo."

"No problem, Q." Duo gave him a reassuring smile.

He didn't think he needed to go to the bathroom anymore, but he was feeling kind of sti-tense. He stood up and stretched, then he sat back down on the mattress to lie down.

"Duo?"

"Hm?"

Quatre waited until Duo had lain down and was facing him to answer.

"I like you too."

Duo had no idea what to say to that, and so said nothing.

The next time he woke, it was morning and the night before was put to the back of his mind as the two prepared to depart.

A few weeks later, Duo was on a mission with Trowa, while Quatre was with Heero.

Duo and Trowa worked surprisingly well together. Trowa was as quiet as Heero, but it was a different sort of silence. Duo liked trying to get a reaction from Heero (and Wufei for that matter, but he was easy). With Trowa, Duo didn't feel the need to do that. Silence wasn't a bad thing, and it was surprisingly comfortable. Besides, the amused smile that he could just barely make out when Duo did speak up to joke was worth the silence.

As they were settling into their beds in the safe house on the second day of their mission, Duo found himself thinking of his and Quatre's late-night conversation. They hadn't spoken about any of it before Duo had left for his mission.

Quatre and Trowa were good for each other, it just seemed so obvious. He wondered what Quatre saw in him that he thought he couldn't get from Trowa.

He wanted to say something to Trowa, but he wasn't sure what he could say that wouldn't be betraying Quatre's trust or make Trowa upset. They did still have a mission to finish.

Surprisingly, it was Trowa who spoke up from the darkness a few feet away.

"How is Quatre?"

"Doing his best. Our little bean is really sprouting." Duo grinned, even though it was probably too dark to make out and he wasn't even sure if Trowa was looking his way.

"I've noticed. You've changed too."

"Huh? Really?" That was new.

"Yes. You're not as reckless."

"Haha, I thought it was Heero who was in that position, at least when it was his own life on the line."

"We've all changed."

"Yeah, I guess we have."

Having this conversation with Trowa was a bit surreal to Duo, but it was true. Even Wufei had changed from the young, easily angered and boy spouting about justice.

Duo figured that would be the end of their conversation, Trowa's concern for Quatre confirming to him that Trowa returned at least some of Quatre's affection, and so he was surprised when Trowa questioned him again.

"You seem…closer to Quatre."

Duo didn't detect any negativity in the other boy's voice, but he wondered if Trowa was worried that Quatre had given up on him or something. He hastened to reassure him.

"Yeah, he's a great guy to have as a best friend. I think everyone needs a Quatre in their life, you know?"

"You're good for him as well."

Duo blinked. What…

"Tro, I could never replace you. He needs you, and I think you need him. You're like the other half in a duet, you know?"

In his effort to reassure Trowa just in case the other man was feeling insecure (strange idea though it was), he reached out and felt around until his hand settled on the other's shoulder. Duo was relieved when it wasn't shrugged off or flinched away from. He was used to Heero being uncomfortable with even this type of contact. He'd gotten a bit spoiled with Quatre, used to giving and receiving comfort through touch.

The silence made Duo worry that he'd stepped too far, and he started to pull his hand back. A soft brush of fingers over the back of his hand stopped him, until Trowa's hand settled over his, holding it firmly in place.

"If I'm the flute and Quatre the piano, you are the violin. A 'trio'."

Duo had no idea what to say to that, and so stayed as silent as he had done for Quatre's strange words. In his mind, he went through all the possibilities of both boys' words until he finally succumbed to a restless sleep.

It was a few months later until Duo saw either Quatre or Trowa again. The two were on a mission together, and Duo was on a mission with Heero. It was nice to catch up to Heero and see for himself what Trowa had said; that Heero had changed as well, and it was true.

It was a relief to know that Heero was not taking chances with himself anymore, no more self-destructing. Duo found out that Heero was finally keeping in contact with Relena regularly, and that he was planning to be her bodyguard after this. He was also surprised to learn that Wufei was going to join him. He wondered how often Heero kept in contact with the Chinese boy.

The two were sitting at the table in their current safe house when Heero asked him the question that no one else had yet.

"What are you going to do after this?"

Duo knew the question would come eventually, after it became clear that everyone else had made plans.

"Well, I'm not too sure yet. There's the Salvage business with Hilde, or I thought I might visit Howard."

"Hn."

Duo rolled his eyes at the typical answer and went back to his food.

It should have been the end of it after that (he should have know by then; it was never the end), but Duo couldn't stop thinking about the question and his answer for the next couple of months.

He'd been doing that a lot lately.

It was time for the five to go their separate ways. They'd all gathered together for dinner at Quatre's place, repeating their plans and giving out contact info. Duo still didn't know what he was going to do, so only said what he thought he might do.

He didn't know why he was hesitating. He enjoyed working in the Salvage business with Hilde, and he would like to see Howard again and give him a hand with whatever he might need. He missed working with him.

But another part of him didn't want to leave Quatre behind until he was sure he was truly happy.

It was obvious that something had happened between Trowa and Quatre – if possible, there was an even greater feeling of 'belongs together' surrounding the two. Duo was happy that Quatre and Trowa were happy, but the selfish part of him wanted to stay around a while longer, to be near them in their happiness for just a bit longer.

Heero and Wufei left first, wanting to get started on their new job of making sure the former Queen of the World and current Vice Foreign Minister was well protected from any threats even in this seemingly peaceful time.

Duo figured it was time he left as well. He needed to adjust to being on his own again.

"Well! Time for me to head off too. Thanks for the meal, guys." Duo grinned and leaned forward to first give Quatre a hug, and then Trowa. He was happy when they both returned it, despite a sudden feeling of loss.

"Where will you go?" Duo had expected that question from Quatre, but it was Trowa who asked.

"Uh, I figured I'd just stay in a hotel until I figured out what I'm doing."

Duo wished he'd kept his mouth shut for once when he saw the look Quatre gave him.

"Right, you're staying here."

Duo automatically opened his mouth to protest, but stopped when Quatre started to look like a hawk eyeing it's prey, trying to decide the right angle to sweep down and break it's neck. Yeah, Quatre was no innocent.

"Okay, okay, just stop giving me that look already! Worst than Heero's glare, I tell you…"

The three spent the rest of the afternoon in the living room watching movies (Duo even managed to procure some popcorn). Quatre and Trowa sat side by side on the couch, Trowa with his arm on the back of the couch behind Quatre. Duo had tried to sit in a chair some ways until, until Quatre had pouted and guilted him into taking a seat right next to Quatre. It was oddly domestic feeling, and made Duo feel weird when he realized he didn't feel like a third wheel like he'd expected to.

That night, Duo had just changed into some borrowed pajamas when a light knock sounded at the door. He turned to see Quatre standing in the doorway, so Duo waved him in.

The two sat comfortably side by side on the bed. Duo liked that he was able to do that with Quatre, though he hoped Trowa wasn't the jealous type. He hoped not, as he had a lot of respect for Trowa and didn't want the other man to think less of him for getting chummy with his boyfriend.

"What's up, Quat?"

Quatre took a deep breath, looked right into Duo's eyes and said firmly, "Trowa and I want you to stay."

"W-what?" Duo blinked rapidly as he took in the words.

"You could still visit Hilde and Howard whenever you want, but…we'd really like it if you'd stay here, with us." Quatre seemed to be trying to convey some message to him through his eyes, and Duo thought he finally knew what it was that had been there since he'd arrived in their home earlier that day, and even before that.

And he realized he had no idea what was really going on. Why had Quatre made a move on him that day in the safe house? Duo had chalked it up to Quatre missing Trowa and needing comfort, but now that Quatre had regained Trowa, there was no reason for him to need Duo as anything but a friend. But now Quatre was looking at him like… Duo got the feeling that he was missing something vital.

"I think you're going to have to be blunt, Quatre." A voice from the doorway knocked Duo out of his thoughts. It was Trowa, and there was a glint of amusement in his eyes that would have made Duo smile if he wasn't currently n shock and confused.

Quatre seemed to think about that for a moment, and then nodded as he came to a decision.

Before Duo realized what was happening, Quatre was leaning into him and repeating the passionate kiss they had shared during the night in the safe house months ago.

Duo stared at Quatre with wide eyes, as out of the corner of his eyes he saw Trowa moving closer. Irrationally, Duo wondered if Trowa wasn't the jealous type after all and was moving in to beat him up. Irrational because that obviously wasn't what was going on, but it made more sense to Duo than the reality.

All thoughts fled his mind as Trowa crouched down, took Duo's face in his hands and touched his lips to his. In spite of himself, Duo found himself in awe. He wondered how such a simple kiss could feel so different to Quatre's, and how it could still be so amazing, convey so much. Duo's eyes had closed by the time Trowa pulled away.

"…Oh." Then, "What am I getting myself into?"

Two warm bodies gathered him in their arms and held him through his trembling. Not from fear, sadness or even happiness, but from the relief of a longing he hadn't even known he'd hidden inside himself.