I wanted to write something all day today… As soon as I got the chance I started chapter nine on another fanfic I have on hold, but I dropped it… What I was writing wasn't working out… I had this idea that I needed to let out and I started to write this but, honestly, I'm not happy with this either… I'm sorry…
As always, forgive me if you find mistakes with the grammar and the spelling… English is not my first language.
I never told you…
… I never told you that I love you…
… I never told you that when we saw each other for the first time, my heart started to beat again… I was numb before that moment…
… I mostly looked unhappy and lived a sad, empty life… I never told you that was completely the opposite of what I felt inside. You brought shine to my life and despite the danger we were always in, I was extremely happy because you were next to me.
… Now you're about to leave and I'm really unhappy… you're about to leave and I never told you how much I love your eyes…
… I never told you that I don't really think you want to leave, but you're just going along with it because… there's nothing more for you here with me…
… Will you ever know how happy you've made me?... Will you ever know how complete I feel when I know your eyes are on me from across the office?...
No, I don't think you will, because you're about to leave and I never told you that I love you…
… This will hunt me forever, I know that for sure. This will be the hell where I'll be spending the rest of my days… far away from you…
… I thought I will have you forever and… I never told you that I love you…
I can't lie, I'm surprised. You were always so loyal, caring… sometimes I even felt that you loved me too… Maybe I am as delusional as I am paranoid… But, the trutht is I can't believe you're leaving…
I thought you had everything in this town… I honestly thought I was everything for you, because you are definitely everything to me… But you will never know that… Because I never told you that I love you…
I'm jealous. You made the choice, you're strongly sure about it (as you've told me)… and you are leaving this hell of a town… And I'm jealous of your strength to come through with that decision, because I want to leave this place too…
I want to leave it with you, but I can't… because you don't know how much I love you…
I'm going to miss your hair, your eyes (especially your eyes), your mouth, your smile, your hands, your waist, the small of your back… I'm even going to miss what I never saw of your body… I'm going to miss your soul, your beautiful heart, your voice … All of you… But you will never know…
Go… I'm not angry at you… I don't have the right to be… I'm just sad, really sad, and I'm going to be even more sad, but go on… leave… Be you… Stop being what I've forced you to be…
… I never told you that I love you… And I do… I love you…
… Now this piece of paper knows it, but you don't… I never told you that I love you…
"What is this?", she asked as soon as she heard him open the door.
He saw the paper in her hand and immediately knew.
"What are you doing here?", he asked.
She stood up from the couch and walked towards him, still with the piece of paper in her hand, holding it close to her heart.
"I… I came here to say goodbye and to give you back your key", she said, handing him the key.
"I told you I'll meet you at the airport to say goodbye…", he answered, but he couldn't look her in the eyes. The content of that piece of paper had just exposed his heart to her.
"I can't do that, Mulder… say goodbye to you at the airport… I just can't. That's why I came here… but this… What is this?", she asked again, handing him the paper now.
Still with his head down, he received it, Reading his own words… his words to her…
He looked up, to her eyes.
"Nothing", he answered and tried to make a ball with it, but she stopped him and took the paper from him.
"Hmmm… Is this the start of that book you told me one time you wanted to write? I always thought you'd go for a sci-fi genre rather than romance".
She wanted the truth from him… What was the point?... She was going to leave anyway, she deserves to leave, she deserves the opportunity she just got.
"You know what that is… But it doesn't matter anymore".
She approached him and tried to take his hand.
"Maybe it does…", she said.
He approached to her too and hug her. Both his hands locked at the small of her back…
"…You have to leave".
Hands still at the spot, saying goodbye of it. Then one hand went up to her hair, then her cheek, eyes looking at each other, so much sadness in them. Unnecessary to her, completely necessary to him.
Their foreheads met. He closed his eyes and her hand went up to caress his cheek.
"Just say it and I'll stay", she said almost in a whisper.
But he said no with his head and wouldn't open his eyes.
"I love you", she went ahead and said it, but he still wouldn't open his eyes. "Just say it…".
Their foreheads broke apart, both his hands were on her face, she was almost sure he was going to kiss her and the hell of being hiding their feelings would be over.
And he did. He did kiss her. And that was all.
"You have to leave… You made your decision… Don't change because of this", he said taking the piece of paper back.
"Is it not true? What's written there", she asked, trying to find his eyes again.
"It doesn't matter. You're leaving, this is your chance. They're waiting for you. Leave. I can't change who I am… I can't offer you what you deserve, so… Just leave".
And she did. She walked out of the apartment… He followed her and saw her as she walked down the hallway to the elevator.
When she pushed the button, she turned to look back at him standing in the doorway, but he didn't move. He was going to lose her and she was going to let him do it.
The elevator's doors opened, she walked in, still with her back to him. The doors closed.
He walked in to his apartament, and closed the door.
They never saw each other again, and he never told her…
"… I love you".
THE END
Don't think I don't ship them. Of course I do! But I just needed to write this… for personal reasons…