Disclaimer: Homestuck does not belong to me, and neither do the characters involved in this story. The song lyrics do not belong to me either. This is written with inspiration from "Leave Out All The Rest", by Linkin Park and dedicated to Laura. I didn't want a Sadstuck so I came up with this...lordwhathaveidone...but anyways, I hope it's a good read. :B
~Don't be afraid, I've taken my beating. I've shed but I'm me. ~
Hush. It's alright. You're okay. You're fine.
You find yourself repeating over and over, the moment you woke up to your trembling and shaking mess of a friend. You've lost teeth. They were probably knocked out. You can still taste the unpleasant tanginess of your own blood in your mouth. It takes a few seconds later to realize that you're blind as well. But you're not too bummed out about it. In fact, you're okay with it. You're okay with a lot of things, now that the voices are all gone.
You can deal with that. Though there's some difficulty in convincing your friend that you're alright and that your think pan is perfectly fine, that you're still you.
~I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect, but neither have you. ~
Once he realizes that you're still the same nooksucking bipolar freakjob that you are, he quietens. And it baffles you. He should have been screaming at you, but instead he mutters crossly to himself and throwing harsh insults your way ever so often. That is, until you started talking to tz, then he returns back to his usual screaming self.
He's always yelling and screaming in fits of anger over the littlest of things. But you know that's just to cover up his true feelings. Always so defensive, he keeps everything inside and places on a prickly front, never relaxing, behaving in a way that appears as if the entire world is out to get him. Maybe it is, for reasons you wonder if you'll ever know. And yet, despite all his pretenses, it is plain to tell that he cares deeply for everyone. Even Strider.
He constantly bitches to you about how much of a self-important douche Strider is, about how much he wants to rip that human alien's ugly mug, to bring him down to his feet just to break his cool kid act. He rages on about how he's absofuckinglutely sure that Strider's cool kid thing is all just an act, a mask. And you reckon, it takes one to know one. They are the same- two kids unable to face the world as themselves, attempting to cover their true feelings with their words and deny deny deny.
It makes you wonder why.
You suppose you can't hold it against him, not that you'd even want to. If that is how he wants to deal with things. You can be okay with that. kk's not perfect after all.
Then again, neither are you.
And you know that very well.
~ So if you're asking me, I want you to know. When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reason to be missed. ~
You're going to die if you do this, there's no doubt about it.
You know that. He knows that. Everyone knows. And he's reluctant, unwilling to tell you outright. You like to imagine that you can almost hear whatever mechanisms he has clogged up in his think pan, whirring and clicking as he practically flounders, attempting to think of another way and pretending that there may be another approach to this problem.
And somehow, that sets you more at ease.
You are not afraid of death. You knew that it is going to happen, one way or another.
But knowing that at least someone else out there cares, it assures you in a morbid kind of way that at least you won't be completely forgotten if you never come back…
So you do it.
You never got the chance to apologize for sending him the MOBIUS DOUBLE REACHAROUND virus that caused his husk top to explode, and killed off most of the lusii indirectly. You never wanted that to happen. Another one of your stupid fuck ups.
You hope he knows, and that he would forgive you for it…
~ And don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. ~
In retrospect, dying yet again wasn't too bad. Yes, it is extremely painful but you were already half dead anyways. You still wish you can see what AA looks like, bet she looks boss, with her being the Maid of Time and all, which explains why you're now floating as a half ghost in front of everybody. You're all set to leave but his usual angry rant holds you back, and you answer as evenly as he can, trying to get him to understand your feelings in your own way. Finally he relents, with another long drawn out tirade of spitefully angry words. But you understand what he really means.
"Don't leave me alone here, please don't."
" I can't lose you again."
You almost give in. Almost.
But you're done with this insane adventure bullshit. Tired. Strained.
There's nothing much you can do here anymore anyways. All you want to do is to spend a little time catching up with some of your dead buddies, so that you'll feel more okay. At least for a little while.
You tell him that, and you can almost hear him deflating, accepting it. You know that he understands what you mean.
"I'll be back. I promise."
He growls at you, gruff and low.
"You better."
And so you leave. You don't know how long you'll be gone but you'll go back eventually.
After all, you've always kept your promises.