A/N: This is my first attempt at a fanfic, so go easy on me! I'd really appreciate reviews (good or bad).
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, SM does. Because if I did, it would have ended this way!
"I… I love you, Bella. I'll wait for you…" Jake's voice was pleading with me then. He knew I was about to walk out of his life and back into Edward's arms. I had given him a glimpse of what he wanted most, asked him to kiss me before he left to fight for me. In a moment of desperation, I had let him believe I loved him, that I chose him finally, after all we had been through. He had just risked himself for me, and for that sacrifice he had received not just broken bones but now a broken heart. Again.
"Until my heart stops beating," I finished, knowing what he was about to say. My eyes shifted to the floor, unable to meet his gaze with mine. I began to back out of the room, avoiding his unyielding stare. I had a sudden flash of my life without Jake in it. For a moment the eternity I had dreamed of with Edward was the last thing I wanted, and I just barely held myself from jumping back into Jake's arms like I had been on the mountaintop. The room began to feel suddenly smaller, airless. I blinked back the springing tears and took my last step out of his room, my head hung low, every step further from Jake taking me further down a dark cavern into emptiness. Instinctively, I clutched an arm across my stomach. I could feel the familiar hole begin to kindle and burn at the edges.
I barely heard him as I let my other hand drop from the doorjamb, as he whispered "Maybe even then." And with those words I felt a sharp pinch in my heart.
I couldn't bear to look at him like that, my Jacob, but I knew I couldn't stay. I loved Edward, had fought for his life in Italy just like Jacob had done for me against the newborns today. The irony wasn't lost on me. I knew Jacob loved me but…. but I loved Edward (don't I?), had sacrificed so much to have him here with me, after all that time apart, when he left me. I wondered fleetingly if that was enough to sustain our relationship, just the fact that he was back after his self-imposed extended absence. Yes, we loved each other, didn't we? And yet the pinching in my heart nagged at me, almost demanding me to feel otherwise, as I left Jacob to his solitary grief. Bella, get a hold of yourself. I could feel the tears welling up, threatening to overflow as I walked to my truck. Everything was blurry now, and I felt my face crumpling against my will. I got into the truck that Jake had fixed for me back before he even knew me, and braced my hands on the steering wheel. Taking what I meant to be a cleansing, calming breath, I instead inhaled what could only be described as pure Jacob, the musky scent of pine and outdoors. I lost my control then, allowing the tears to fall in loud, racking sobs, my whole body heaving with the force of my anguish. I wept into my hands, covering my face, hoping the hard pressure of my palms on my cheeks would distract me from the pain. I don't know how long I spent there in the cab of my truck, mourning the loss of my best friend. He'll never speak to me again. This is it, the end. Now that I'm marrying Edward, and going to become a vampire… I almost couldn't believe it. I had finally gotten what I wanted, and it was breaking me. The pinch I had felt earlier at Jacob's words had, through the course of allowing my tears to fall, turned into a forceful, deep ache.
I took a slow breath through my mouth this time (I knew better than to allow his scent back into my nose), and exhaled jaggedly, an attempt at composing myself. I turned the key in the ignition, the loud rumble of the truck announcing my departure, and maneuvered my way out of Jake's driveway. I thought I saw the curtain of Jake's room sway as the headlights passed over the house. The tears continued to fall.
I pulled into the driveway at Charlie's, and all the interior lights were off so I knew he would be sound asleep. Thank God for small favors. I really didn't feel like facing him, having to concoct an excuse for why I looked how I did. My head was pounding from the stress of the day, from leaving Jacob, from the sudden uncertainty in my future. I sighed, relieved; I heard him snoring though the bedroom door as I shuffled past on the way to my room. I could feel the breeze on my feet from under the door as I approached my room, and knew that Edward would be waiting for me. He had come through the window as always, but tonight I just willed him away silently. I hesitated, my hand on the doorknob, closing my eyes. I was not in the mood for talking tonight. I just wanted to wallow in my own pathetic misery, allowing myself the freedom to shed the tears that might remain after nearly exhausting myself in Jake's driveway. I groaned to myself, mentally preparing for the inevitable inquisition Edward would put me through, and opened the door. Might as well get this over with.
"Bella," he cooed, "I've been waiting for you. Where have you been? Alice couldn't see you, so I assume you've been with…" his voiced trailed off as I stepped into the light, giving him a full look at my wretched face. I squinted in the brightness of the room, my eyes still red and stinging from all the crying. Edward's eyes went wide in anger and surprise. "What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?" He was inches from me in an instant, his icy hands on my swollen, tear-stained face. I barely had the energy left in me to respond.
"No, Edward, of course he didn't hurt me. I was the one doing all the hurting." I placed my hands over his, gently pulling them from my face as I sat on the bed. "Apparently that's my thing." I added bitterly. I dropped my folded hands in my lap and let my eyelids fall, slumping my shoulders in my dejected state. My body craved to be lying down, and for once I did not want him to stay with me. This was one of the few times I wished Edward could read my mind. Go home, I pleaded internally with him. I just want this day to be over.
I could feel him standing over me, his cold skin radiating, but I refused to look at him. I was just scarcely hanging onto my sanity and looking at him would break me into a million pieces. Today I felt a shift in myself, barely perceptible, but I knew it had happened. I needed time to think, to process everything. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I ever going to feel whole? I got what I wanted and I'm still not happy. Sensing the tears returning to my eyes, I squeezed them tight. Breathe, Bella. Just breathe…
Edward sat on the bed next to me and pulled me to him, wrapping his marble arm around my shoulders. I winced at the contact, and I could feel his body tighten next to mine.
"Edward, I really feel like I need to be alone tonight," I managed to squeak out, my voice cracking. "It's been a long day, and I…" I couldn't continue, I could feel my throat tightening, the sob building. He didn't take the hint, instead pulling me tighter. Of course. Why wouldn't he think he knows what's better for me than I do?
"Bella, I really don't think you should be alone tonight. You've been under incredible strain all day, and having to watch me fight Victoria to the death couldn't have been easy." He hesitated, and continued cautiously, "And having to set Jacob straight must have been difficult, I can see that." I was growing more irritable by the minute. If he didn't leave soon I was going to just tilt my head back and scream bloody murder.
"My patience is worn thin right now, and I don't want to say anything I'm going to regret." Even without looking at him I knew he had pulled his lips into a tight line, as he always did, and was pinching the bridge of his nose. I shrugged off his arm from my shoulder, leaned back to lay down behind him, and turned to face the wall. He didn't leave, not that I thought he would, though I was thankful when I felt the mattress shift and he got up to turn out the light. I was so exhausted that I don't even remember falling asleep.
Suddenly, I was in the forest, just below me in the field I could see the battle unfold with the newborns. From my vantage point behind a tall, broad pine tree, I could catch most of the action, disguising my scent by wearing Esme's clothes, and one of her long winter coats, not that she needed them. Things were moving so fast, the wolves breaking vampires into pieces, the Cullens pulling apart their undead brothers. I watched in horror, frozen in place. Then, almost as if it were in slow motion, Edward turned to me, our eyes locking, an unfamiliar glint flashing briefly before he turned away. In vampire speed he sprinted across the field and jumped onto the back of a russet wolf. His teeth bared and every inch of him shining spectacularly in the sunlight, with all the force in his body he gnashed at the wolf's flesh. A horrible, piercing howl emanated from the wolf as slow recognition spread through me.
Leaving my safety of the woods behind, I screamed as I ran to him. "Jacob! NO! Oh my god, Jacob!" It felt like I was trudging through quicksand, my legs glued, stationary. After what felt like an eternity I reached him; he was phased back into human form now. Throwing myself on the ground I knelt beside him, grasping his rough hand in mine as tightly as I could. "Jacob please! You can't leave me!" I was begging, my voice shrill and wild. He looked at me briefly with his beautiful black eyes, and murmured, "Bells." Then his focus was lost, he was looking through me. I knew he was fading away. Wailing and crazed, my face slick with tears, I was desperately calling him back to me.
"Jacob, you can't! I love you! Jacob!"
I was being pulled away, falling backward; My hold was broken on Jacob's hand and I could feel the arctic grasp through the layers of Esme's clothes. Edward. Hatred burned in me; from my very soul I could feel nothing but vengeance vibrating through every fiber of my being.
I growled, deep within my chest, a sound I had never heard before, primal. I was at Edward's throat, tearing at his thick skin with my fingernails, spitting in his perfect face. "You! Don't touch me! I saw what you did! You killed him! Edward, why would you do this to me! I hate you! If I live to be a thousand years I will hate you for all of them!" And with that I collapsed into an anguished heap in the middle of the field.
With my head wrapped in my arms and the war waging around me, he was shaking me, gently, then urgently. My eyes flew open to Edward standing over my bed in the moonlight, looking stricken. "Bella! Bella, wake up!"
My face was wet, had I been crying? My pillow was, too. Then I remembered, Jacob. I must have been talking in my sleep. Oh…
Edward had pulled his face into a snarl as he stared at me, unsure of what to say. "Do you mind explaining to me exactly what you were dreaming about?"
My mouth started to open to form a response, but I quickly closed it again. I knew what he must have heard, but I had no real explanations for him. I questioned the whole thing myself. Did my brain know something I didn't? All was silent in the room, except for the rapid beating of my heart.
"Edward, I'm not sure how to say this, so I'm just going to spit it out." His eyes were burning holes into me, but I purposefully waited to look at him until I gained the courage to say what I knew I needed to. I didn't need his shining topaz eyes or crooked smile weakening my nerve.
"I can't marry you. I think I'm in love with Jacob."