It's not like me to write how I feel, to even feel how I feel. I don't dance around my thoughts, I say what I have to and my message gets across. But in case I am to die, to never make it pass even today, A sheet of my thoughts should be left behind. I'll never be able to say it out loud, if I do it will be real...we all know the realer things are the worst they will become. Michaels always told me that being a hard ass and never being alive which in his case means never loving will eventually kill me. Maybe he was right, then again he always is...except when he's talking about me or himself. He Believes in me too much, and not nearly enough in himself. I wish he could see himself through my eyes, Cause he's the only man I'd ever want to be and I mean it Mikey. I have cancer, I feel weak and I feel distructable... things I have never felt or rather always denied. Its not worth it anymore to hide from myself, to hide from the world...to sheild myself from any chance of getting hurt. I love you Justin. If I didn't love you I wouldn't care as much as I do about you. I think you have always known, even longer than I have. This letter is for the two most important guys in the world to me...Michael and Justin. I love you both, I guess this kind of makes me real now...Im living and it feels great. Sunshine...I'm saveing my last breath you.
-Brian
I watched the paper on the table for a few minutes, I re-read it atleast five times. A little while later I felt two thin arms wrap around my shoulder. I smiled and turned around, Justin stood in front of me, As young and full of life as always, he kissed me softly.
"What ya doing?" He asked looking behind me at the letter laid flat down across the desk. I turned around and picked up the paper. I examined it one last time. I can sense him waiting for me to show it to him, or atleast tell him what it was.
"Brian?" He looked at me strangly. I looked into his eyes, and tucked the letter into the desk. I reached for his hand and stood up.
"Lets go to babylon" I told him, He took a while but then smiled and went to go get his jacket. I opened the desk and took out the paper once more. I looked over at justin from across the room putting his jacket on, he was so innocent. I don't know why but the next thing I did was rip the letter up, In four pieces and then eight and then I brushed it off the edge of the desk into the garbadge. He walked back over to me and I put my arm around him.
"You ready?" He nodded yes and we left. I don't know why I just threw away all I said, I don't know why I couldn't tell him I love him even though I know it would mean the world to him. I don't know why I just couldn't be that man, I guess when it all boils down to it, that is who I am and I take comfort in knowing that he'll be here with me until the end despite of it.