DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight, or Fiddler on Roof. Enjoy!
Narrator: Welcome to this evenings performance of 'The Cullens Do Broadway'. Whoa there, tiger, that sounds slightly dirty! Well, never mind that. Please, turn all cellphones and beepers off, and do not indulge in food or drink. Thank you, and enjoy the show!
*The stage is dark, aside from one lone spotlight. A rickety wooden chair is dragged in by no other than the DAZZLING EDWARD CULLEN *cues fangirl shrieks from audience*. For some reason that is yet unknown to the audience, he is draped in a Tallit and is wearing a lovely blue yarmulke. He is also speaking in a jolly Russian accent…if there is such a thing.*
Edward: A vampire in love with a human…sounds crazy, no? But here, in our little village of Forks, Washington, you might say everyone of us is a little strange. Trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking someone elses neck. It isn't easy. You may ask, why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous? Well, we stay because Forks is not the norm. And how to we keep from snapping? That I can tell you in one word. Obsession! Obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession, obsession!
Because of these obsessions, we've kept from becoming tacky, creepy, b-list vampire novels for many many years! Here in Forks, Washington, we have obsessions for everything. Sparkly vampires, enormous wolves, petty humans, infatuated fangirls…for instance, teenagers always write disturbed fanfictions, and draw trippy fanart with awkwardly recurring themes. This shows their constant devotion to us. And how did this fixation get started? I'll tell you…teehee, I dunno. But it's an obsession! And because of our obsessions, everyone of us knows who he is, and how much the general public loves him.
Cullens: Who day and night must stay out of the sunlight? Feed off mountain lions, annoy some grizzly bears? And who has the plight, as an annoying human, to fall in love with Eddy-pants? The Cullens! The Cullens *klezmar-y clarinet solo thing* obsession! The Cullens…the Cullens! Obsession!
Wolves: Who must know the way to jump right off a cliff? Shape-shift, myths and space-heaters? Who must tell the legends and live in La Push, and keep the cold ones far away from here? The Quileutes! The Quileutes, obsession! The Quileutes…the Quileutes! Obsession!
Humans: And who does Edward think are foolish, herd-like twits? Fawning over Bella more than he sees fit? The humans! The humans, obsession! The humans…the humans! Obsession!
Twilighters: At night we stay up reading it, all day we sit and dream. Team Edward or Team Jacob or even Switzerland. Twilighters! Twilighters, obsession! Twilighters….Twilighters! Obsession!
*Continues, all sections overlapping. Jewishy dances and chair lifts a-plenty, and of course, plenty of complaining and worrying! As the number winds down, the stagelights dim once again.*