A tiny bit of silliness I thought you guys might enjoy. Bosco has a New Career, one he probably wishes he'd not agreed to. Short, sweet and a touch mad, this is inspired by women everywhere, and a husband who's finding out its NOT all he thought it was going to be with M working full time now. hahahaha

M

The Housekeeper

by M

Told in first person: Bosco's pov as well as the other characters involved...

"How many times do I have to tell you Carlos, pick up your damn socks," I know I was ranting, again, hell I'm beginning to sound like a wife, but hell, is it too much trouble to expect the underwear to make it to the hamper?

Giving me a look, he picks up his damn dirty socks and instead of walking to the laundry and putting them in the hamper, the bastard throws them at me while I sit here on the couch TRYING to drink a beer and relax after a hard days work, then tells me, "Fine, here you go sweetheart," nevermind the sarcasm in his voice, now I have a stinky sweatsock on top of my freaking just opened beer!

"THAT'S IT!" I yelled, bringing Sully out of the bathroom, a place he evidently thinks is his actual home, "YOU PIGS DON'T APPRECIATE ANYTHING I DO, SO DO IT YOURSELVES!" Tossing the sock back at Carlo's head; which of course he saw coming from a mile away so it missed him, bastard.

"Maurice," Sully grins as he leans against the living room wall, "we do appreciate what you do, we just wish you were better at it. I found a huge dust bunny under my bed, you need to take care of it."

"DO IT BETTER? YOU KNOW WHAT, FROM NOW ON YOU CAN ONLY USE ONE COFFEE CUP AND ONE GLASS A DAY FAT BOY, I'M TIRED OF WASHING EVERY DAMN DISH IN THIS PLACE EVERY DAY!" I stomp around to the front of the coffee table, "AND YOU CAN KILL YOUR OWN DUST BUNNIES, THAT'S WHAT A BROOM IS FOR!"

Ty comes in the front door about that time and puts in his two cents, "What are you yelling about now Bosco," he walks over and tosses his jacket and hat onto the coffeetable, "I could hear you all the way down the hall when I got off the elevator!"

"He's just getting his period," Carlos winks up at him as he now puts his feet on the same coffeetable, MY coffeetable, ignoring the dirty look I'm giving him, "you know how emotional he gets this time of month!"

Sully and Ty break out in laughter as I flip him off and tell him to kiss my ass.

"You wish I would," he continues tormenting me, "bet you'd like that wouldn't you Maurice?" Then without missing a beat he adds, "Oh and what's for dinner, I'm starved."

"Yea, me too," Sully AND Ty pipe up completely ignoring my complaints, again as they continue to sound like stereo, "you mean you haven't started anything yet?" They look at each other, the bobbsie twins that they are and crack up as I storm past them heading to my room.

"Screw you all," I yell back, "see how you like cleaning up after yourselves, I'm done!" Before I slam my door I yell back at them, "AND YOU CAN COOK YOUR OWN DINNERS!"

Later on I'm lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing I'd never agreed to this living arrangement because all they do is take advantage when Sully pokes his head in, "Hey, you know we're getting impatient here," he's looking at his watch, "its past time to eat, move it Maurice."

"FINE," I haul myself out of bed, "I'm coming, self centered muther..."

"HEY HEY," Sully scolds, "what kind of talk is that? We give you a purpose in life and this is the thanks we get?"

I push past him as he stands aside snickering at me and go to the phone where I quickly dial a number and then before they realize what I'm doing and can react, "Yea, I'd like to order two pizzas, yea that's right, same as last time NICKY, ok, thanks."

Grab my coat from the hook, the ONLY coat on the hook, toss it on as I open the door and leave while they are just beginning their protests; teach them to mess with me, Nicky's pizzas suck!

XXXX

"Can you believe him," Ty mutters as he pulls the twenty's from his pocket, "not only does he order this mess, but he doesn't even pay for it!" Snatching the boxes from the delivery kid, he scowls at him, "what? You think I'm going to tip you for this overpriced garbage, get out of here before I arrest you for loitering!" Slamming the door he walks to the table and tosses the boxes down, "Oh honey, dinners served! Oh and bring the kid, I know he's hungry!"

"Oh man," Carlos pushes past Ty, "I'm starved," as he flips open the box and snatches a slice he asks Sully who's putting out plates, "what's up Bosco's ass lately, you know he's not cleaning my toilet like he use to, and its got some kind of pink fungus shit growing on it." Munching down on his pizza he slaps another piece onto the plate and accepts a beer from Ty.

Sully drops down into a chair next to Carlos, taking a slice from the box he answers him with a sigh, "I don't know, but that dust bunny is scary, I wish he'd kill it." Chewing contentedly he pops open a beer, then adds, "And the last time he washed my sheets Faith was still single."

Straddling his chair backwards, Ty swigs his own beer before adding his two cents, "I came home last night and he was just sitting in front of the TV zoned out on some cop show, instead of ironing my uniform pants like I asked him to. You know we might have to have a sit down with him and set him straight."

"Yea," Sully grumped, "but how do we make Betty Crocker do what we want, its not like we have anything he wants besides money, and we already paid him that this month."

"Sex?" Carlos winked over at Ty, "its about the only thing he WILL do anything for no matter what."

"Naaa," Sully shook his head, completely missing the joke, "I doubt that would work, besides, who would we get to have sex with him everytime we need to bribe him to do his work? He keeps breaking up with all his girlfriends, and most of them have something against him anyway, and I'm sure as hell not doing it with him."

Ty nearly fell off of his chair laughing as Carlos stared in shocked disbelief at Sully and yelled out, "WELL I'M NOT DOING IT EITHER!" Then he looked over at Ty as if Ty would agree to it.

"Whoa there Kimosabe," Ty held up his hands, "don't look at me moron, I'm not giving him sex!" He shuddered as he realized they were taking this conversation seriously, and looking around the place he finally noticed why, dishes were piling up, clothes were waiting to be washed, dried and folded and put away, and there was a layer of dust on the furniture that would soon be attracting archeologists in droves. Raising an eyebrow, he shrugged, "Maybe we could get a maid, you know to help him out some?"

"What," Sully reared back in his chair, "hell we already pay him good money to do this, why pay someone else too?"

Nodding in agreement, Carlos swallowed his bite of pizza adding, "I think we need to put a restriction on him, no TV or going out until his work is done, I ran out of socks yesterday, and I'm wearing my underwear from yesterday!"

They continued to argue about how best to get Bosco to live up to his end of the agreement although none agreed to the sex thing Carlos still thought it was the best idea he'd heard so far.

"Ok, so we all agree, NOBODY is offering Sex to get Maurice to clean up around here!" Ty finally states as Sully and Carlos continue to debate how to get Bosco to do his paid for job.

"Damn straight on that one," Sully snaps out.

"Fine," Carlos grumbles, "but it was still the best idea tonight, hey maybe we could get..."

"NO!"

XXXX

I walk back into the apartment several hours later, to see nothing has changed, the pigs even left the pizza box...empty of course...on the table fully expecting that Maurice would clean it up after them. With a sigh I pick up the box and toss it into the overflowing garbage can. Again wishing I'd never told Faith my eyesight was bad as she'd finally ratted my ass out and I was booted off the Job, of course with full benefits because its considered a disability, but I still wasn't able to keep my apartment for long.

Carlos and Ty had just gotten a bigger place when Sully had a huge flood in his place and with the 'mold' problem they let him move in too. Then I ended up losing my lease when the rent went up, again and moved into my Mom's place until I could find something I could afford. One night not long after Sully moved in they had a Giants Game get together, we all sat around watching the game, yelling at the officials and getting shit-faced when the subject of the rapidly downhill condition of their living quarters came up, and like a fool, I told them I would do it since I couldn't work anyway, IF they paid me of course, that way I wouldn't need to get a part-time job for spending cash. That's when Ty offered to make the study which they didn't actually use, into a bedroom for me if I wanted to share living expenses and move in.

Me and my big mouth, I agreed without thinking about it much, but, if I'd have known what helpless pigs they were going to turn into...now standing staring at the mess in the livingroom I kicked over the pile of empty beer cans sitting next to the table.

That's when they all came out from their rooms, and seeing them looking like they were about to corner me about something I tried to make it to my room, but Sully's big ass cut me off blocking me as he pointed to the couch, "Sit down Maurice, we need to talk."

"Make me," like a fool I growled, only to find out; he and Ty could; assholes.

A few minutes later, the three of us breathing like racehorses and me cuffed to my own coffeetable, they 'laid down the law'.

"Ok," Ty started, "since the lease is in my name, I'll go first."

Ok, does he really think I'm just going to sit and take it? Shut up, I know I'm cuffed, I'm making a point here; then he 'lays out' his 'rules'.

"One, we are paying you to clean house and to cook, so either do it Maurice or you're going to go on restrictions, no going out on Saturday night unless everything is done, and Two, NO TV at all unless we ok it, you're spending way too much time in front of that mindkiller and way too little time killing dust bunnies, right Sul?"

I'm now sitting with my mouth hanging open like I'm catching flies, "you can't make me..."

"Yea, we can," Sully scowls with his arms folded as he stands over me, "and I'm not having sex with you to get you to do it either, you get paid enough!"

Ok, where the hell did THAT come from? I'm suddenly blinking up at him stuttering out, "Ok, thank you for NOT offering?" What the hell did they discuss when I was gone? Suddenly I'm feeling like maybe I should run...if I weren't cuffed that is to my FREAKING COFFEETABLE!

Then Carlos adds his two cents...about all its worth. Flopping a load of smelly dirty laundry down on the coffeetable near my cuffed hand, which put it near my FACE, he now 'instructs me', "Bosco, I'm pretty sure my socks are in there and they need washing, and my boxers, I need them man, tonight you need to get busy, I'm having to wear Sully's socks because mine are..."

"YOU'RE WHAT?" Sully yells, "NO WONDER I CAN'T FIND MINE!"

Oh the joys of roommates! For a moment I forget my captivity as I laugh outloud, they look like they're about to go at it, then I remember I'm CUFFED and being held captive by morons, "HELLO? REMEMBER ME? SOMEBODY WANT TO LET ME OUT OF THESE?" I hold up my wrist yanking at the cuff, but Ty shakes his head no... "NO?" I continue to yell, "NO? Davis YOU BETTER UNCUFF ME!"

"Not until you agree to clean this place up," he folds his arms too now, "you know you can't afford to live alone, and until you figure out a better way OR move back in with MOM, you're the housekeeper and cook little man, get happy about it or you're going to stay cuffed and chained to that table, and don't make me get out the French maid uniform!"

Huh? French...Just what the hell DID they talk about when I was gone?

XXXX

A few days later:

I'm sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, trying to relax after another day of slavery when the phone rings.

"House of Insanity," I greet the caller, "which inmate do you want to speak too?" Its Faith, so I assume she wants to talk to me, "What's up, you call to gloat?"

"No," she is speaking quietly, "I just wondered what you used to kill those dust bunnies, Sully says you do such a good job, you're not shooting them are you? You know you shouldn't be using a gun with your eyesight Bosco..." Then I can hear that fat ass in the background cracking up laughing and I hang up on her. Oh he is so going to not get any when he gets home...

Pizza, what did you think I meant? Get your minds out of the gutter people, got to go now I've got to get Ty's uniform ironed, my favorite nighttime soap is coming on, and that new Reality show: 'Cops Who Use to be Cops: Where are They Now?' is on after it, wonder if there are any housekeeper contestants?

"YEA YEA CARLOS I HEAR YOU, DINNERS IN THE OVEN, AND YOUR SOCKS ARE ON YOUR DAMN BED!" Morons, this job sure as hell don't pay enough...and if Carlos tells me one more time he's not having sex with me to get me to wash his socks, I'm throwing him off the balcony!

The End