A/N: Alright this for my bud. Today's her birthday. My god, she lived to see another day. The exorcism didn't work and she's still walking the planet. So if you see a girl with a birthday hat and a constipated grin, you better mother fucking run! With that said...

This is based off of Ryan Higa's "Nice Guy"

Ballad of a Nice Guy

Pale color tinted her cheeks as she held a ticket out to me. Even with the sign of embarrassment, her normal gentle features stayed in place. A welcoming smile with a noticeable sparkle in her eyes. Any man with normal tastes would see her the same way I did. Beautiful. I shouldn't have shared her flustered look but I knew it was apparent on my face. Most likely even more so than hers. I blamed it on the family name. Every single sibling of the Strauss family seemed to infatuate each of my acquaintances. Even Evergreen, who was known for her ill temper and unrealistic expectations of men seemed to be entranced by the block of muscle called Elfman. Though she would never openly admit it. Really, everyone knew so attempts at hiding it were pathetic.

"It's a romantic drama with Robert Patterson and Reese Witherspoon. I've heard it was really good and I've been dying to see it."

As an attempt to hide my heated cheeks, I looked down at the paper in her hands that read the movie title. I didn't go to the movies that often, finding most of them to be repetitive and tedious. Even the ones with plot twists were reoccurring, even having to deal with a mental illness or the main character turns out to be the one they are looking for. It seemed that I had been silent for too long because she spoke once more.

"Would you like to go?" Her cheeks darkened during this one-sided conversation. I didn't know what to say. The shock from the question was still on my face. I knew that we had been spending more time with each other but this was unexpected. Not unwanted though.

She could have picked a worse movie. Twilight could have still been in theaters. If that was the case, this decision would have been much more difficult. Like I said earlier, only men with abnormal tastes would deny this offer. Since I was neither I replied with a simple yes, afraid that saying more than that would cause another awkward situation. I'd rather have her speak in this sad excuse for a chat. Her response showed me that my answer was enough to please her.

She closed her eyes in joy as she pressed her palms together and tilted her head. "Great! Here, give me your number and I can text you the information later."

After the exchange of our digits, she left to her group of friends that mirrored each others expressions. I didn't get why girls had to squeal to show that they were excited. Didn't they know that most men didn't find that attractive? Similar to a noise pigs made. It was more of why they made that noise then what it sounded like. It was just sitting in silence for two hours with another person by your side.

I felt a muscled arm pull me into a strong wall of meat. Without looking I knew it was one of my aquint-no he had declared me his friend quite a while ago. Before we even found our similar admiration to our upperclassmen.

"So you're finally joining in on the family, huh? About time until she scooped you up ever since she got dumped by Laxus." The eccentric voice rattled on. He was never one for subtlety. Though the previous statement was incorrect. Mirajane was the one who ended the relationship for reasons unknown. Of course, we wouldn't talk about Laxus in a bad light. My eyes widened slightly at the mention of his name.

I didn't even stop to think about how he would think about this. Truly disrespectful not to even consult him before answering Mirajane. On one of our lunch conversations with all Mirajane's close friends, I had over heard Gray and Natsu talking about some code that all male friends had to follow in order to show respect to each other. I made a mental note to talk to Laxus later about this subject.

As soon as the mental appointment went in, so did the worry about how it would go. I made my conversation block off the negative thoughts since there was no point in worrying about the future. "It's one date. Not a wedding."

With my mind being calm enough, I was able to continue eating my lunch.

"Ah, but there are so many possibilities. One minute she's mowing down on popcorn the next she's getting down on her knees, mowing on something else completely!" Bickslow added a laugh to his perverted statement while wildly flicking out his tongue wildly as if to empathize his obvious words.

I was about to comment but Evergreen decided now would be a good time to pry her attention from something else other than her own reflection.

"Must you be so vulgar!? This is your girlfriend's older sister you are talking about! You should be warning him against those activities." She scolded, using her free hand to fan herself. It was more for show than comfort reasons. As was the plate of food in front of her. It was to show that she could still look that 'ravishing' while eating like the rest of us.

"Ha! Muscle boy of yours can take care of that for me! I'm hear to make sure his last moments on earth are as enjoyable as can be!" His words weren't worth throwing my calm composition for so for the rest of my meal I sat through Evergreen and Bickslow's bickering, which was him picking on her while she defended her 'single status' throw a couple of brief comments in there provided by me and you had our normal conversation.

"So she asked you out?" The blonde haired man let out a scoff before taking a drag of his cigarette. I used a nod as my response before realizing that he was looking off onto the high school grounds. It was easy finding him, he always liked to be in clear open spaces.

"Yes." I took a pause, processing what I was going to say in my mind. "But if you have any problems with it at all, I'll cancel it." It didn't matter what I wanted. I was teetering on the edge of Laxus' trust by even being asked by his past relationship.

He let out a sigh as if the question was pointless. "If I did, we would be having a different conversation."

Of course, how could I have been stupid? He was so wise even when I was having doubts he seemed to shine light on the subjects. I think the admiration seeped into facial expression. I could tell by the way he glanced at me with narrowed eyes filled with irritation. Right, he was a modest fellow. He didn't want people admiring his greatness right in the , with being the star quarterback on the football team, his wish seemed to be impossible.

I was glad that I didn't have to make an awkward situation of having to cancel plans with Mirajane. I could say that was all I was glad about but the pounding in my chest would treacherously betray my words.

I looked back over to the star idol as I felt my calm nature soon return to me. It was the only thing I could use to protect myself from the potential outcome from my next question. It wouldn't be out of contempt but out of honor. Someone who had already dated such a beautiful girl must have had some advice. I will admit that this would be my first venture out into the dating world. I had been too focused on my studies and extra curricular activities to pay attention to any of the girls to ask them out.

Although, if I could pin point why Mirajane was the first girl to come up to me and ask me out (besides dislike of personality, appearance etc), it would have to be that terrible rumor about my sexual orientation. Apparently no one had ever fallen on another man in the shower room before. In my defense, it wasn't even my fault. If they had an energetic Tabasco loving fool running around your shower space, they would have understood the situation and handle it better than they did. Of course, girls did love gossip.

"If it doesn't bother you, I would feel privileged to get advice from someone as experienced and as great you Laxus-sama." My gaze was on the ground as I couldn't bring myself to look at him. Shame slowly started to fill me as seconds that he didn't want to fill with words passed by.

"Advice?" His weak laugh indicated that my question was idiotic and I was about to apologize for even asking but he continued. "Yeah, whatever." He took another drag of his cigarette.

"Mirajane's a masochist." At the blunt comment my eyes widened slightly in confusion.

"M-Masochist?"

"Yeah, she's not into the nice shit that you'd expect her to be. We broke up because I started treating her well. Apparently she didn't appreciate that and decided to move on."

"Not that I would ever accuse you of lying Laxus-sama but are you implying that you and her..." I wasn't able to finish that sentence. Barely able to put a block on my mind to stop the images provided by imagination to flood in. Maybe this is what Juvia felt, if this happened more than once a day for her, then there was no surprise for her being her over-active.

He scoffed gruffly. "No. Not like that. She just brings truth to nice guys finish last. Why do you think she went on a date with Gray?"

Laxus did have a point. Especially if she wanted a rush, dating Juvia's eye of affection was definitely a way to get your blood pumping. Especially if you don't know her hiding spots.

It did make sense as to why she asked me out. She must have thought I had the same attitude as my mentor. She was hoping to get the same treatment from me. She had made a mistake though. Even though my love life was blander than a rice cake, I knew I would treat a woman as courageously as Laxus did. That may have been why...

"Here, I'll tell you exactly how to act in order to make a good impression on her."

This went against everything I was taught about women. Men were supposed to treat them as equals. With kindness and respect. It was also true that everyone was different from the other and not to judge a book by it's cover. I trusted Laxus' judgement greatly and he had dated her previously so he had the credibility for his words. If Mirajane wanted to be treated like this, I would push aside my intuition for her.

That's why I was dressed in this ridiculous outfit, standing outside her door with absolutely no money in my pocket. No flowers, no gifts, no mentally prepared compliments. Just an open collared shirt, a black jacket, some jeans and some worn out sneakers. It was so undignified. If it was any other girl, I wouldn't have dared to go out like this. She's too sweet and pure not to make sacrifices for.

My gaze switched from the cliche welcome mat to the person standing in the middle of the doorway. I expected it to be Mirajane but was dissapointed when it was her younger brother. Of course, being a male, younger did not mean smaller by any means with this guy.

He currently was in a pose that had me believe he was trying his best to look intimidating. To any normal person, this would be an easy task as his muscles were as big as a human head. However after seeing him being KO'd by a certain brown headed female that was half his size, he didn't hold much threat.

"You're fifteen minutes late! Real men don't leave their ladies waiting." He said before raising an eyebrow, most likely at my change of clothes. His question only confirming my hunch. "What the hell happened to your clothes?"

I didn't even waste effort to roll my eyes. "None of your concern."

I could tell he didn't approve of my answer but before he could answer, my date had come and put a pacifying hand on his chest. A nervous smile on her face while she tried to calm the beast.

"It's okay Elfman. I think he looks nice." She said before managing to get her younger brother back into the house. With one last comment about being a man, he closed the door leaving us alone on the porch.

Damn. I was blushing about her previous comment. If I was ever to follow Laxus' instructions, I needed to keep a hold of my body's reactions. My vision turned to look down the street. The sun was setting so that houses were bathed in a orange yellow color. It looked nice. Speaking of which, I turned back to Mirajane only to try to find my newly controlled face be set aflame once more.

The dress she was wearing made her look cute. More so than usual. She was always a sight to behold but in a vibrant red dress, I was done for. Swiftly, I moved to my car. In my dazed state I didn't even realize that Mirajane was about to break the first rule.

"Sit in the back."

"Excuse me?" Her tone was polite in controversy to my statement. The confusion on her face was apparent.

"Sit in the back, I don't want you ruining the leather."

The confused followed her to the back seat as she sat uncomfortably. I could feel her looking at me from behind but I knew to ignore it. We sat in mainly silence because every time she tried to talk I barely responded and when I did it was in a blunt manner. I wasn't much of a conversation holder anyways, so it wasn't that different for me.

At the restuarant, it went basically the same way. Following Laxus' wisdom, I kept the conversations short, didn't offer any kindness (including paying the bill, as mentioned before I had to make sure I carried no money in order to not be tempted). I even offered her weight tips by ordering for her. There was a logical reason behind why Mirajane would want to be treated this way. I'm treating her like an independent woman, not a pathetic little girl. A confident woman wouldn't need or bother with compliments. Slander would only boost their confidence because they don't believe in petty insults.

So why, even with all of that rational thinking, was this the outcome?

We were currently standing outside of the movie theater with her fists clenched over her dress and her gaze in the same direction. She looked up at me with narrowed eyes. They weren't hostile, like I had seen them become when someone had threatened her sister but they still caught me off guard.

"What is your problem!?" She demanded. "I thought you were sweet but you're, you're acting worse than Laxus!" I was about to give yet another blunt statement at how pointless her anger was but that's when her angry visage faded into sadness. She was now struggling to hold back tears. She ended up succumbing to them, and the streams of tears ran over her cheeks before spilling to the floor.

Sometimes, when a girl cried it was nothing more than annoying. Seeing as some just did it to get attention or for a get out of jail free card but something struck me when I saw Mirajane upset. I didn't understand, Laxus was never wrong. It must've been me. Was I doing it too harshly? I didn't want to do it at all. All I wanted was to make her happy. I would've preferred the typical gentlemen way but Laxus said...

"D-Did you just agree to this date to get revenge for Laxus? Do you love him? Because you could've just said that instead of being so mean. " She asked while looking up at me. That was when my illusion broke and I wrapped my arms around her. I ignored the previous comment about me having feelings for Laxus. Seriously, why did anyone think that? Bickslow treated him the same way I did yet no one suspected them of being more than friend. I held her tight. If she could have seen my face, she would've seen guilt. Making this girl upset was like killing a mockingbird. Sinful. I felt her tense before eventually she gave in.

"I thought that this was how you wanted to be treated. Laxus told me that you liked guys who were more rough. That's why I am in this idiotic outfit, acting like the same. I'm sorry if I did it wrong, and I am truly sorry for making you cry." I said before pulling away. "I get that I can't meet your needs. Thank you for asking me out. I honestly appreciate it." Thinking that she didn't want anymore of me, I took a step away. A step, because that's all she allowed me to take.

I looked at the hand holding my wrist before back at the girl.

"Wait..." She said before looking at me with a small smile. She then did something I would have never expected. She leaned towards me, putting a hand on my chest before leaning up. Instinctively I closed my eyes, only to feel the breeze on my chest. I heard the buttons click on the pavement. I opened my eyes to see Mirajane ripping the hem off her dress off, making it even shorter. She then took her bangs out of that mini-pony tail and flipped the rest of her hair, creating a seductive look for the next five seconds.

"Finally! I've been trying to find someone who is faking! You're a nice guy, who knows the ropes. That's impressive." A satanic smirk appeared on her face. "I could use someone like you." She held out her hand for me to take. "Come with me and I'll show you the world."

So that is how we began our life as the greatest red light district team. It took me a while to get used to 'the ropes' as she called it but her alluring smile calmed me down in any situation. I knew how to play the guys who wanted a buy, with my bad guy routine. We got a lot of money. Spend it all in vegas before Mirajane ended up dying of aids. I had to skip town, avoid the family that she ditched all those years ago. Why am I telling you this story kids? It's because Nice guys don't finish last! Beat the shit out of the person who tells you otherwise. If only I was nice to Mirajane, I would've never awakened the demon and I would be talking about my own kids about this story. Instead of you lousy shits.

This has been the ballad of a nice guy.

A/N: What? Did you want a happy ending? LIFE ISN'T FAIR KIDS, GOD, you ungrateful shits. Jk. This is the ending that the birthday girls always tries to make me right. Soul Eater Crona x Kid love story? Crona and Ragnorak end up pimping while Kid flashes his goods. So for her birthday, I gave her what she wanted. More interesting than a normal ending!