The War of Two Cupids
I don't own Fairly Odd Parents. Butch Hartman does.
I do, however, own this version of Anti-Cupid.
Apologies for any OOC-ness.
…
In Fairy World, Valentine's Day was very much a big deal, but no one made such a big deal as Cupid and his cherubs did. This was their day - the day that was given to Cupid, who then assigned his cherubs to help him spread the love. Did a mighty fine job of it, too. Well, they had to. That love was the thing keeping Cupid alive and well. Once, Timmy Turner had succeeded in almost killing the God by means of a stupid wish. Luckily, he had fixed his mistakes just in time, but that didn't mean he had earned the respect of the cherubs - or the Gods.
Ah, yes. Because of that incident, the Gods hated him; particularly Cupid's parents. Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda had met Cupid's father once when they needed his assistance, however he had refused to help on the account that Timmy had almost killed his youngest son. "If I had almost killed your child, lad," Cupid's father had said, "would you be so forgiving?"
"Well, uh…" Timmy had stuttered and was interrupted by the God.
"No, you wouldn't."
Oh, yes. They hated him. Cupid, however, had pretty much forgiven Timmy for that incident since he had helped him put the pieces of the broken Valentine's Day back together again and had given him his own arrow to use on whatever girl he wanted. His parents had highly disapproved, but what did Cupid care? They were his arrows.
Right now, somewhere out in Fairy World, the cherubs were gathered in the bunker, all with surprisingly serious expressions for some of the cutest creatures. They all watched the girly stage carefully, waiting for their leader to appear. Suddenly, a voice sounded out, "Attention!"
All the cherubs straightened themselves like army men as a pink-haired man - their leader, the God of Love - walked up on the stage, his pink helmet on top of his head and his quiver of arrows strapped to his back. He saluted to them all, his bow in his free hand, "Men," he called out, "you are facing a dangerous battle. A battle some of you might not come back from. A battle of love! Today is Valentine's Day! And you are going to spread the love on Earth!"
…
Meanwhile, in Anti-Fairy World, in a bunker that was darker and scarier then Cupid's, the violet-skinned anti-cherubs had gathered. Some looked as serious and as ready to go as their counterparts. However, some were too busy sleeping or picking their noses to notice much around them. A voice called out, "Attention!"
Up on the black and blue stage, an almost exact copy of Cupid walked on. His skin was midnight blue, hair jet black and eyes blood red. His black helmet was balanced on his head, his quiver strapped to his back and his bow in his left hand, "Men," he called, "you are facing a dangerous battle. A battle some of you might not come back from. A battle of hate! Today is Anti-Valentine's Day! And you are going to spread the hate on Earth!"
…
"Because a world without love is a world filled with hate. And we hate hate and we love love!"
…
"Because a world without hate is a world filled with love. And we hate love and we love hate!"
…
The cherubs burst into cheers as Cupid jumped into the air, then floated in place. Cupid smiled widely, "Wow, you guys are pumped!" The God took hold off his helmet and threw it into the air, "Come on, everybody! Let's march!" The God marched out of the bunker, his army of excited and anxious cherubs following him.
…
The cherubs that had bothered to pay attention let a dull cheer as Anti-Cupid jumped into the air. He frowned and put his hands to his hips, "Wow, you guys need to get pumped." The Anti-God threw his helmet into the air, "C'mon, men! Let's march!" The Anti-God marched out, the anti-cherubs simply floating after him.
Out in the streets of Anti-Fairy World, the anti-fairies had gathered to see Anti-Cupid and his anti-cherubs set off for Earth. Anti-Cupid grinned, displaying his vampire teeth, and looked over the crowd, who cheered and clapped for him. Like Valentine's love was the most powerful form of magic, Anti-Valentine's hate was the most powerful form of bad luck (other then a good ol' broken mirror or some spilled salt). The anti-fairies were as excited about Anti-Valentine's Day as the fairies were about Valentine's Day. At the end of the street, Anti-Cosmo stood, waiting for the Anti-God to get there. Anti-Cupid frowned when he noticed him and flipped open the hatch on his black and blue tank - an exact copy of Cupid's. The parade came to a stop once their leader reached Anti-Cosmo and the Anti-God leaned over the side to peer down at him.
Anti-Cosmo looked up to Anti-Cupid, smiling, hands behind his back, "I wish you luck in spreading hatred, ol' chap."
Anti-Cupid raised an eyebrow, "Is that good or bad luck? With you, I've never known which one is better."
Anti-Cosmo shrugged his shoulders, "Whichever one helps you spread hatred."
Anti-Cupid regarded him with an almost suspicious look, then gave him a two-fingered salute. As the Anti-God grabbed the hatch and pulled it back down over him, he frowned. Anti-Cosmo was completely oblivious to Anti-Cupid's plans. Anti-Cupid was certainly not Anti-Cosmo's friend nor follower. He was just waiting. Waiting for the day when he would take Anti-Cosmo's life and take over Anti-Fairy World.
Anti-Cupid grinned in anticipation as he drove his tank through the giant, broken heart-shaped portal. The anti-cherubs followed him in, right into the entrance to the Human World.
…
Cupid and his cherubs had already beaten them there.
Cupid flew over Dimmsdale in his pink jet, grinning down at the area. Ah, Valentine's Day. Nothing better then a day dedicated to the best emotion in the world. For Cupid, Valentine's Day was very much a family effort. Father crafted the arrows and the jets and the tanks; uncle and 'auntie' (who wasn't really his biological aunt) taught him how to shoot the arrows and new techniques on how to make them curve in the air or how to shoot many arrows at once; mother wrote the list of people who needed some love and always mailed her son said list; brother sometimes helped him spread the love by shooting arrows of his own and 'uncle' (another not-biological 'relative' of his, who was really their mailman/messenger) kept an eye on him by flying through the skies of the Human World, watching out for the little pink dot that was Cupid and making sure he wasn't accidentally shot out of the sky or anything (all courtesy of Cupid's father, who believed the Human World to be dangerous). What could they say? Gods stuck together, even if it was for only one day a year.
The cherubs were practically family as well. Even though they seemed more like servants or soldiers, some of the cherubs had almost helped raise Cupid. Some had even been around long enough to witness his childhood and even remembered trying to prod a very grumpy child's mouth open with a fork; attempting to get him to eat his vegetables.
Cupid smiled to himself, then took a walkie-talkie from his pocket, "Hey, guys? I'm gonna handle Dimmsdale on foot."
"You sure, boss?" One of the cherubs replied.
"Sure. Carl, Monty, you guys come with me. The rest of you can keep going in your jets. We'll take it from here."
"Sure thing, boss."
Cupid turned his jet around and found a lovely parking space in a field. The God flew out of his jet, then pressed a button hidden under the wing. The jet began to shrink, then compacted itself into the form of a disc. Cupid picked up the small disc and tucked it into his coat pocket, "Good ol' dad." He muttered, praising his father's work. The God grabbed his list from his other pocket and gazed at it, "Hm…David and Sarah…and they're not even that far away! Okie dokie, let's get this show on the road!" As if on cue, two cherubs appeared beside him - one red-haired with pink eyes and the other blonde with purple eyes. Cupid smiled at them then his wings began flapping madly and he flew off, the cherubs following close behind, "Dimmsdale, get ready to feel the love!"
Unbeknownst to Cupid, a few dark figures had been watching from the bushes nearby. "Look," Anti-Cupid muttered to the two anti-cherubs beside him, "Pinkie-pie's already here. We gotta catch up with 'im…"
"We gonna spread some hatred, boss?" The anti-cherub next to him asked.
"Of course we are. Why else would we come here?" Anti-Cupid flew out of the bushes and hovered above them, hands on his hips, "You two, come with me. We'll catch up with the Pink Wonder."
"You got it, boss."
Anti-Cupid grinned evilly and zipped off in to the clouds, in the direction his counterpart had flown off in. "Cupid, get ready to feel the hate…"
…
"Hey, boss?"
Cupid looked at Carl out of the corner of his eye, "Hm?"
"You ever get the feeling that someone's watching ya?" The blonde cherub asked, looking over his shoulder suspiciously.
"Only when I'm on TV." Cupid replied, "Why?"
"It's just…something feels wrong, ya know?"
Cupid scoffed, "Don't tell me you're getting cold wings…"
"Well, no, boss, but -"
"Listen, Carl," Cupid suddenly turned to him, hands on his hips, "we're here to spread the love, not start thinking about stalkers or silly superstitions. Besides, what could possibly hurt us? The humans don't even know we're here! And, anyway, even if we were in trouble, our mailman is up there," he pointed to the sky, "watching out for any trouble. We're fine. Now, let's - What the?!" The God spotted something that sent his little heart running. Over on a park bench was Sarah, the woman he had shot earlier. "I shot her with an arrow! Why is she crying?!" Cupid suddenly poofed into a pink butterfly and fluttered over to her. He flew up to her face, which was covered with both of her hands, and tried to peer at her eyes, "Hey, honey, Cupid already fixed up your love life. You shouldn't be crying." He muttered grumpily. He fluttered closer, but she had obviously felt the beating of his wings, since she swatted him away. Cupid cried out as he was flung away, landing in the grass beneath the bench. He poofed away, returning to his cherubs in his normal form. After his eyes had stopped rolling around in his head, Cupid blinked several times.
"You ok there, boss?" Monty asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. But she's not!" He looked back over at Sarah. "The heck's going on? The last time I saw her, she was practically tying the knot with the guy I shot for her! And my magic doesn't just 'wear off' either!"
"Uh…boss…?"
"Hm? What is it, Monty?" The God turned, only to look into red eyes that were as dark as blood. Cupid stepped back, looking at his counterpart in alarm. Anti-Cupid grinned at him and Cupid scowled, "Anti-Cupid."
"Cupid." Anti-Cupid replied, his grin falling.
The cherubs and anti-cherubs scowled at each other. "Anti-Monty." Monty muttered.
"Monty." His counterpart replied.
"Anti-Carl." Carl said.
"That's me!" His counterpart exclaimed happily, waving a hand in the air. Anti-Cupid glanced at him, then sighed and brought a palm up to his forehead; shaking his head at the anti-cherub's innocence.
"What do you want?" Cupid asked spitefully.
Anti-Cupid looked at him and shrugged, an almost cheeky smile on his face, "To rule the world and everything in it?"
"Pfft. In your dreams."
Anti-Cupid frowned, "Well, today I'm simply here to take part in my own holiday. Who else is going to spread hatred on this momentous day?"
"No one. This is Valentine's Day! My day! A day for love!"
"I'm not referring to Valentine's Day, you moron. I am the head of Anti-Valentine's Day! And I'm gonna spread the hatred even if it kills me!"
"Oh, something's gonna kill you, you idiot, but it ain't gonna be the hate!"
Anti-Cupid put up his hands, "Ooh! Whatcha gonna do? Throw pink at me?!"
"If it hurts you, yes." Cupid replied.
Anti-Cupid laughed like this was the funniest thing he'd ever heard, "Oh, please. There is nothing you can do to harm me, Cupid. Besides, I'd say I've done a pretty good job with spreading hatred over Dimmsdale, wouldn't you?" The Anti-God took his hate meter out and showed it to Cupid. Cupid gasped when he saw the arrow wavering between LOTS O' HATE and NOTS O' HATE. "Ya see that? All that hatred cause of me!" He laughed manically.
Cupid scowled, "You can't do this. Love conquers all!"
Anti-Cupid grinned darkly, leaning in closer to his counterpart, "We'll see about that, my diapered companion." The three anti-creatures suddenly poofed away.
Cupid gritted his teeth, "If he thinks he's getting in the way of my Valentine's Day, he's got another thing coming!" Cupid grabbed his list from his pocket and observed it, "Now, who's next on my list…? Hm…Ah, Martin and Jordan. Right. I'm not gonna let Anti-Cupid ruin this Valentine's Day! Come on!" The three poofed away.
…
Well, this was going badly.
Since Cupid had proclaimed his determination to get rid of his counterpart, Anti-Cupid had succeeded in ruining the lives of nearly every single couple Cupid had matched up. Cupid's wings were growing tired and his coffee was running low. Soon, he would be too tired to do much more. The God took out his love meter and checked it, seeing it had the same result as Anti-Cupid's. "Oh, poop. This is the worst. Anti-Cupid's ruining everything!"
"Uh, boss?"
Cupid looked over at Monty, who was pointing at Martin and Jordan. The two were screaming insults at each other, blacks arrows embedded in their backsides, and Cupid groaned. He had only shot those two a few minutes ago! How on earth could Anti-Cupid travel that quickly?! Cupid snatched his walkie-talkie from his pocket, "Change of plan, guys," Cupid spoke into it, contacting all of the cherubs at once. His tone turned dark, "Launch the Thunder-hearts!"
Minutes later, a swarm of heart-shaped jets flew through the air, invading the airs of Dimmsdale. The cherubs piloting the jets nodded to each other, then all pushed the red buttons at the same time. The bombs dropped from underneath the planes, exploding as they hit Dimmsdale and spreading love in the form of pink smoke.
Somewhere in the park, Anti-Cupid nose twitched as he picked up an almost flowery scent, then went into a coughing fit. When he had finally regained some of his breath, he looked up to the skies, "What is that?!" Spotting the Thunder-hearts, Anti-Cupid scowled, "So, that's how he wants to play…" Retrieving his own walkie-talkie from his pocket, Anti-Cupid spoke, "Launch the Thunder-broken hearts!"
Suddenly, black, broken heart-shaped jets invaded the air, beginning to drop their own bombs of hatred over Dimmsdale.
Cupid looked up at them in alarm, "Wait…he has jets too?! Ugh!" Cupid took a few arrows from his quiver and flew over to a group of humans, who were all arguing with each other after having been infected by the hatred gas. The God shot a few love arrows, causing only a handful of humans to fall in love. However, it wasn't enough, since the gas was still in the air and only made them hate each other all over again.
Cupid gritted his teeth. There must be some way he could outsmart Anti-Cupid. The Anti-God clearly had a plan of some sorts. Cupid hadn't devised a plan himself, since he hadn't predicted his counterpart showing up. Cupid looked up at the sky, only to see that it was beginning to darken. Darn it. It was probably late evening and here he was, fighting over this day with his counterpart! A day that was rightfully his to begin with!
Suddenly, Anti-Cupid appeared in a puff of black smoke, twirling his bow with one hand, "Had enough?"
"No!" Cupid exclaimed, then took a quick glance at his list. "Ha! I have one more couple left! The Katsworths! They need a lil' 'love boost' in their marriage…" The God zipped off in a line of pink light. Anti-Cupid scowled and followed him at an equal speed.
"Not if I get there first!"
After a long journey involving the two trying to swat each other out of the air, they reached a fairly large house with a large backyard; where a six-year-old girl was playing with some toys. Her parents were nearby, sitting in deckchairs and sipping iced tea. Anti-Cupid grinned at them and Cupid quickly flew over, "Don't even think about it! They have kids!" He exclaimed, just as the Katsworths' son entered the backyard, "If you ruin their marriage, what'll happen to the kids?"
"The better question, my diapered counterpart," Anti-Cupid smirked, "is: Who cares?" He took two hate arrows from his quiver and set them to his bow.
"No way!" Cupid quickly snatched two arrows from his own quiver and set them up, then fired. The arrows flew toward the married couple, only for two black arrows to hit the love arrows and knock off course. "No!"
Anti-Cupid grinned and set two more hate arrows to his bow, "Bye-bye, happy marriage!" He launched the black arrows, which embedded themselves in the Katsworths' bodies; completely unbeknownst to their two children.
Cupid's jaw dropped as Anti-Cupid laughed and floated away. The God looked down at the little girl in the backyard. A child of that age wouldn't understand anything if her parents fought…Cupid prepared himself to fire a couple of arrows at the parents, ready to fix Anti-Cupid's wrong-doing, but then noticed his counterpart was floating away. The God looked over at him, then looked to the little girl in the backyard, "…I'm sorry, kid…" He muttered, then zipped after his counterpart. "You just ruined a perfectly good marriage!"
"Oh, really? If they were so perfect, why were they on your list?"
"All marriages have bumps in the road."
"Pfft. Oh, please. How would you know? Ever been married?"
Cupid blushed red with anger, "Oh, that is it! I'm sick of you and I'm sick of Anti-Valentine's Day! Today is my day to spread love! But what do I get? Some vampire-smurf getting in the way of that!"
Anti-Cupid stared at him, then said in disbelief, "What did you just call me…?"
"You heard. Mark my words, Anti-Cupid, I'm gonna win this battle and have a good Valentine's Day!"
"Oh, I'd like to see that happen." Anti-Cupid muttered sarcastically. "And what're are you going to do?"
"I'm bringing out the big guns."
Anti-Cupid blinked confusedly as Cupid disappeared.
…
Anti-Cupid was basking in the hatred when he felt a tap on his shoulder. The Anti-God sighed irritably and turned, only to see his counterpart floating behind him. "Oh, for hatred's sake. What the heck do you want?"
"To see your face when you see my latest weapon." Cupid replied smugly.
Anti-Cupid scoffed, "Oh, please. And what could you do, exactly?"
"Oh, I'm not gonna do anything."
"Hmph! Exactly! Because you can't! You're weak, Eros!" Cupid flinched at hearing his Greek name, "There's nothing you can do! I win! This is my chance to kill you!"
Cupid bit back a laugh, "You do realize there's nothing you can do either."
"What?"
"You heard."
"Ha! There's plenty I can do!"
"Oh, really? While he's here?"
Anti-Cupid raised an eyebrow, "While who's here?" Finally noticing they were encased by a large shadow, Anti-Cupid turned, "J-Jorgen!"
Jorgen Von Strangle towered over the Anti-God, wand clutched in both hands. Cupid smirked and floated up to Jorgen's shoulder, "I told you I was bringing out the big guns." He patted the fairy's shoulder, "You know what to do, Jorgen."
"H-Hey, Jorgen! How's life? And the Tooth Fairy! I heard she's your wife now!" Anti-Cupid exclaimed in fright, backing away slowly.
"Anti-Cupid," Jorgen growled, "we agreed only a few hate arrows were to be shot."
"Hey," Anti-Cupid said, "I didn't agree to anything!"
Jorgen clicked his fingers and a contract floated down to Anti-Cupid. The Anti-God took it in both hands and read through it, only to see his own signature at the bottom. Chuckling nervously, he looked up at Jorgen. "Uh…Takesies backsies?"
Jorgen only lifted his wand, "For your actions today and for violating the contract - and for making Cupid interrupt my shower -"
"Hey, it wasn't great for me either." Cupid grumbled unhappily.
" - you have earned yourself a week in Abracatraz!"
"What?!" Anti-Cupid exclaimed, "But I was only doing my job, as he was doing his! This isn't fair! You're only locking me up because I'm an Anti-God!"
"Well…that is a good point…" Jorgen muttered thoughtfully, only for Cupid to zip over, hair on fire and a lion-like growl escaping his lips. Jorgen backed away, "Uh, I mean, my decision is final! One week in Abracatraz!" He slammed one side of his wand down on the ground and a swirly portal opened up, sucking in Anti-Cupid's jets and anti-cherubs. The Anti-God felt himself lift off of the ground and dug his claws into the soil to keep himself grounded.
"No! I don't wanna go home!" Anti-Cupid scowled at his counterpart, "You may have won this game, Cupid! But there's still one job I'll always be most proud of!" Then, laughing manically, he lost his grip on the earth and fell into the portal, which disappeared as he was sucked in.
Cupid cheered, "Yes! I can finally finish Valentine's Day!"
"And I can finally finish my shower, which you rudely interrupted." Jorgen replied.
Cupid put his hands to his hips, "Hey, I said it wasn't great for me either."
Jorgen disappeared in an explosion, which replaced the usual poof of fairies.
Cupid flew out into the sky, "Boys, get the coffee ready! These last hours of Valentine's Day are gonna be the best yet!"
…
Finally, after fixing all of Anti-Cupid's mistakes, Cupid returned to his pink mansion; tired and satisfied. The God floated through the doors to his home, Anti-Cupid's earlier words stinging his ears. 'But there's still one job I'll always be most proud of!' One job? Could it be that Anti-Cupid had been shooting arrows in more places then just Dimmsdale? Possibly. It wouldn't surprise him. Cupid floated into the living room, only to be met with silence. The God looked around at the emptiness. It was funny that he controlled love, even though he was single himself. Every relationship he had ever gotten involved in had ended somehow - through arguments or spontaneous break-ups or cheating - and most of his lovers had ended up hating him.
…Wait. Hating him…
The cogs in Cupid's head turned and everything clicked. The one job Anti-Cupid will always be proud of…was him. Keeping him single. That was it. Cupid's brow creased and he looked around again. It was a big house for someone who lived on their own. He sighed miserably.
"Boss?"
Cupid turned as a few cherubs floated over, "You ok, boss?"
Cupid sighed, "Yeah, I'm good. Just figured out what Anti-Cupid was talking about…"
"Yeah…we did too…" Monty muttered uncomfortably. He floated closer, putting a hand to Cupid's shoulder, "Hey, it's ok, boss…We love ya." The cherubs began surrounding him now.
"Yeah, we love ya, boss."
"I love ya most, boss!"
"Your hair looks great, boss!"
"I think you've grown taller, boss!"
Cupid smiled at all the little cherubs holding on to him, "You guys…" He brought them in for a group hug, then suddenly pushed them away, "Ok, that's enough. Personal space." The God turned and began to float over to the stairs, intending to go to his room for a well-deserved rest, when Monty spoke up.
"Hey, boss?" Cupid looked over his shoulder as Monty gave him a thumbs up, "Happy Valentine's Day."
Cupid smiled and gave him a thumbs up, "Yeah…Fabulous Valentine's Day."
…
Author's note:
Happy Valentine's Day.
Here's an idea that's been swirling around in my head for a while now, but I wanted to wait until Valentine's Day before writing/publishing it. The ending was a lot different in the original plans…
It didn't end up like I thought it would, but oh, well.
Any Of Pink Hair and Spanish Flair readers out there may notice a certain someone's appearance in this…
I'm too tired to think of any witty comments, so I'll just say I hope you enjoyed it.