Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
She feels like an idiot. And Temperance Brennan does not just go around feeling like an idiot because she knows that she's a genius. But still she feels like an idiot. She had to have known that it would come down to this. In fact she did know which is why she told him no that night, as she fought the surge of desire to simply agree to just be with him. Because she knew herself. She knew that what relationships meant to him would be something that they would never mean for her. She knew love was merely a chemical reaction in the brain; a meaningless word couples and families exchanged. She should have realized that if anyone could give that word a meaning it would be him. But at what cost? Her theory about her hurting him in the end must have come true. Why else would he not want to marry her?
Brennan almost had to laugh at herself. For how long had she been saying that marriage was an archaic institution and that she didn't need a piece of paper to tell her how she felt? So why was it suddenly so important to her that there was a ring on her left hand and that she checked the 'Mrs.' box when filling out forms? She was an independent woman; had been that way since she was 15. Long ago she had come to accept the fact that she didn't need anyone. She was fine alone. But then Booth had basically forced his way into her life and taught her how to love and had given her this little bundle of joy that years ago she wouldn't have wanted.
He'd changed her. Taken away her steely exterior and her hardness. She was softer now and some days she almost hated herself, hated him, for it. She hated that she lost her ability not to identify with the victims; that she actually got emotional over cases. This used to be just a job. Something to do when she couldn't be overseas discovering new links in the Evolution chain. When she had accepted this job all of those years ago, she never imagined that it would turn into this.
She takes a deep breath, trying to control her crying, and hoping that Booth hasn't heard her mental breakdown on the other side of the wall. Brennan heads up the stairs like she had intended to all along. Something had happened to her when she'd turned the corner away from him. She snapped. The tears came before she could even make it to the solace of their bedroom and she let them come. Because she had changed for him, given a part of herself to him, thought that Booth was different and that he was hers, but he didn't want to marry her.
She reaches the top landing of the stairs and realizes that she has done nothing wrong. She wasn't the one to hurt him; he was the one to hurt her. And then she feels like even more of an idiot for allowing her to blame herself for this. Just because she's always been bad at relationships doesn't mean that she's in the wrong here. She chastises herself as she enters their bedroom telling herself that she has to stop doing that.
Brennan pauses in front of their master bathroom thinking a warm bubble bath may do her some good right now. She turns on the water and adds the soap, watching it fill the tub, as she strips out of the day's clothes. She grabs a clip from the medicine cabinet and knots her hair into a bun on the top of her head to keep it from getting wet. As she stares at her reflection in the mirror, her mind wanders back to what she could have possibly done to change his answer from 'yes, of course' to 'I don't think we should do this.' So maybe she hasn't hurt him, but she must be flawed enough for him not to want her.
She traces her hand over the bruise his teeth had left above her right breast two nights ago. She wishes she could just go back to that night and stay there. Wishes that she hadn't been stupid enough to throw away all of her previous beliefs because she had so much faith in this man. She wishes she could take back her proposal because things would be just fine and normal right now if only she hadn't asked.
Brennan bites back on a second wave of tears as she turns off the water and lowers herself into the tub. Booth had asked her if they were fine and she'd told him yes because what exactly do you say in this sort of situation? Of course they weren't fine. He'd been teasing her about that damn bouquet for weeks and she'd finally given in to what she looked at now as his begging. Only for him to turn around and say just kidding? So maybe she wasn't marriage material. Then who was?
Hannah. The name echoes in her mind and it almost makes her want to throw up. He'd proposed to her. And if she had actually wanted to get married and said yes there would be no Christine right now. He would have married her too, Brennan was sure of it, unless she'd done something to try and stop it. But then again, judging by that horrid conversation they'd had in his car on that rainy night, maybe her opinion didn't matter. She's not a consolation prize. But she was. A rebound from her turning him down outside of Sweet's office. Can I call anyone for you? Jackass.
The resentment and bitterness from that year comes flooding back to her and she realizes they've never talked about it. They've been acting like it never happened. Like he hadn't ignored her and treated her like crap for a year without even noticing because he was so wrapped in a blonde reporter who stole her sunglasses. And he was willing to marry her and not the mother of his only daughter? Hell, he'd asked Rebecca to marry him when she was pregnant with Parker. Was the idea of being married to her really that awful?
Maybe he just thought that she hadn't really changed her view on marriage and that she was just doing this to make him happy. But he was just trying to make her happy. He knew this suburban mom and wife lifestyle had never been something that she wanted and so he wasn't going to try and force it on her. But she was already a mom, and now she really, truly wanted to be a wife, his wife. So either she hadn't been convincing enough in trying to get her point across or he really, truly, did not want to be her husband.
Brennan sinks lower in the tub, letting the water hit her chin. She shouldn't care this much. He still loves her. He still wants to be with her and live with her. The only thing he doesn't want is marriage. She should be happy because this was originally exactly what she had wanted. But now she can't get Hannah out of her head. She can't stop thinking that maybe she was just his second choice. Second to the woman who made her feel like this awkward girl in high school again and she hated that. Sure, maybe Booth had wanted her before he met Hannah, but this was after. And she wasn't the one he was pulling out diamond rings for.
She heard him walking up the stairs about a minute ago and now she can hear him breathing outside of the bathroom. She figures he's debating if he can just walk in or if he should ask first. If he knows what's good for him, he'll ask. Another minute passes before he finally knocks on the door.
"Bones, I uh…I want to brush my teeth."
She hums not answering him right away. She's debating getting out before he she lets him in, as though he hasn't seen her naked plenty of times before.
"Fine," comes her reply. The water isn't cold enough for her to want to get out yet.
Booth tentatively steps in the room and avoids making eye contact with her as he steps to the sink.
"It's supposed to rain tomorrow," he says flatly, rummaging around in the drawer.
"Okay." She doesn't know what she's supposed to say to that. Tomorrow's weather forecast has no effect on her plans to go into work.
"It'll be good. We could use the rain. It's been pretty dry around here lately."
He's resorting to talking about the weather. Small talk. That's how not okay things are right now. The water seems to be rapidly cooling now and she wants to get out but at the same time feels the need to be covered in his presence.
"I thought you said you were going to read?" he asks, squirting toothpaste onto his toothbrush.
"I changed my mind," she shrugs. She almost adds the quip about him being able to change his mind about marriage so she should be able to change her mind about what she wants to do with her evening, but decides against it. Let him think things are okay tonight. She'll start the inevitable fight tomorrow.
Booth spins around with his toothbrush still in hand. Brennan looks up at him briefly before returning her attention to the depleting bubbles around her.
"I didn't think you liked baths," he says.
"I never said that I didn't."
"But I don't think I've ever seen you take one…"
"That doesn't mean that I don't like them."
She's really irritated with him. She came up here to get away from him, to be alone. She wants him to brush his teeth and get out, so she can get out. She's being childish about this and she knows it. But she also thinks she's earned the right to be childish about this situation. Booth turns back to the sink and finally does what he came in here to do. When he finishes rinsing, he turns back to her.
"We're not really okay, are we?"
"Far from it."
She didn't actually kick him to the couch. He offered and she didn't object. He had really hoped that she wouldn't take it this badly. He'd hoped that she was only asking him because she knew that he wanted to be married to her. He'd hoped that maybe she didn't really want this and she'd be relieved. But somewhere along the way, somehow, he'd convinced her that marriage to him was a good idea and now she actually wanted it.
He was going to kill Pelant. Take his revenge for the dead who couldn't take it themselves. Take his revenge for the months he took Brennan and his daughter away from him, for framing her for murder. Take his revenge for the pain he was forcing him to cause her now.
He finds himself wishing that he was a selfish person. He just wants to tell Brennan that he didn't mean it. That he does want to marry her. That marrying her is something that he's wanted for a while now. That he could do that, and not care what random person Pelant chose to kill because of it. But he does care. Because as Brennan has told him time and time again, 'You're a good man, Booth." So maybe she'll understand once all of this is over? But what can he do to erase her pain until then?
She'd seemed pissed earlier. That sort of silent pissed that he'd only seen her get very few times. She'll freeze him out for a while until she decides that something needs to be said and then she'll blow up. And this time he realizes there are a lot of things, a lot of issues, which have never been addressed between them. They're all going to come out. He's going to fight right back. Things aren't going to end well.
Booth groans, rolling over onto his back. He pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes, trying to soothe his headache. He wants to go back. Back to, when was it, two nights ago? Christine had gone down earlier than usual after being outside all day. And Brennan had curled up against him nursing a beer for a change instead of her usual wine. He'd commented on it, saying that he sort of missed the days where she'd choose beer as her drink of choice. He'd always found it hot. She'd grinned at him, taking another swig from the bottle, before running her hand up and down his inner thigh.
"You find a lot of things to be hot," she'd smirked.
"Only when it comes to you."
And then he'd taken her right there on the couch, a tangle of limbs and tongues and the lingering taste of her beer. And then around three am, he was woken up from his sleep by the feel of her lips against his neck.
"What's gotten into you?" he smiled, tangling his hands in her hair.
"You."
And that was all she said before sliding her hand down his boxers and straddling him. Booth had expected tonight to be like that. After catching Pelant's apprentice and saving Sweets and their newly engaged status, he'd been ready to wrap himself up in her again. To make her scream his name as he took her, his fiancé, over the edge. But instead he was here alone on the couch, without the presence of her warm body or her soft snoring which she always denied. And if he hadn't realized it before, he realized it then: he never wanted to spend another night without Temperance Brennan next to him. He wanted to marry her.
He had to kill Pelant.
AN: There are probably hundreds of post finale fics up by now, but I had to put in my two cents. This fic is dedicated to my twinsie, Veronica (coffeeforyoursmile on tumblr), as a super late birthday present. In case you've forgotten, I will check my e-mail every five minutes after I post this because reviews feed my soul. Happy Sunday!