SIDESWIPE'S PERSONAL JOURNAL

Entry 1

Primus this feels weird. Ok, gimme a minute… Alright, let's do this thing. My name's Sideswipe, from the city Kalis. I'm an Autobot Warrior stationed on the front lines, where I get to have the joy of kicking Decepticon tailpipe and taking names. I'm being forced to keep this journal because Rung told my CO that I had "violent tendencies" and "needed a form of expression besides violence and immature pranks." Me, I think he's just pissed that I stole his eyebrows last week.

So yeah, a journal. This is a thing. Right. Now I just gotta figure out what the hell to put in here. Scrap it. Gonna go move everything in Rung's office around again.

Entry 2

To Do:

Scrap Decepticons

Scrap more Decepticons

Polish armor

Sharpen swords

Ask for reassignment to the Wreckers again

Punch Prowl in the face. All the cool 'bots are doing it.

Practice Medal of Prime acceptance speech

Entry 27

So today, I got sent out on patrol and ran into a little patrol of Decepticons. Ha! I wish I'd recorded their faces. So there's this little purple and teal asshole in the front and a bunch of Vehicons behind him. I see them coming and duck behind some rubble until they come by. Then, before they can even react, BAM! I'm in the middle of them slicing and dicing! The purple and teal guy tries to get away and goes for a sniper rifle, but I dive at him and shove a sword right through his ugly-ass face! Congrats, asshole! You just got scrapped by the legend, the glory, the magnificence that is SIDESWIPE! I AM A DECEPTICON-KILLING MACHINE!

Apparently I yelled that last part. One of my squad mates, some guy named, get this, Windbreaker (ha!) came by and yelled at me for "being too loud" and "I don't think they heard you on Moon Base 2." Whatever. With a name like Windbreaker, I'd be an asshole too. Anyways, I gotta go let the base commander what happened. Later, journal!

Entry 45

Finally got reassigned! Whoo! About damn time! There hasn't been any action here for what feels like a thousand Mega-Cycles. If I'm gonna make a name for myself, I gotta get where the action is! I wanna be storming Kaon, force-feeding Starscream his own null-ray, and stabbing Shockwave through the eye. I want my name to be in lights! I want all of Cybertron to know just how good I really am.

Alright, let's see where I got assigned to…

Iacon? IACON!? I ASKED FOR THE WRECKERS AND I GET TAKEN OFF THE FRONT LINES AND REASSIGNED TO IACON!? WHAT THE HELL!? Hmm? Too loud? Go jump off a cliff, Windbreaker! Your name sucks anyways! Alright, let's see who authorized this. By order of… Prowl? Oh, this is great. This is just great. That asshole's screwing me over. He just can't stand how much cooler I am than him, so he's taking away any chance I had to grab glory by the ball bearings. Alright, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna punch Prowl in the face! Iacon's the last place I'd wanna go! Y'know who's in Iacon? Goody boring guys like Prime. Also, more annoyingly, my jackass brother. I hate that guy. Like, everything I do, he's gotta try to outdo me. And talk about an egomaniac! Sunstreaker could talk about himself for hours on end! Always going on about what a badass he is, and how pretty he is, and how nobody should scratch his paint. Such a pain. This is gonna such. Like, this is really gonna suck. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and some sniper will take me out before I end up in Iacon.

Entry 50

I arrived in Iacon today and by the All-Spark, this place is sooo boring! Everything is gold! EVERYTHING! Why!? Was there a sale on gold paint? Like, seriously! Add some red! Some blue! Ugh! It looks like someone just dumped paint all over the place.

Anyways, I showed up and got given a brief tour by this guy named Jazz. White and black guy, body type like mine. He showed me the Hall of Records, the Vault, the Senate Tower, all the defensible points, all that crap. Boooring. Like anyone's gonna end up out here causing trouble. Wouldn't surprise me if the war ended any day. The Wreckers are probably getting ready to launch an assassination attack on Megatron himself any day now. That's gonna suck! The war's gonna be over and I'll be forgotten! I gotta get back to the front lines! I gotta! Well, it could be worse. At least Sunstreaker hasn't shown up yet. Maybe I got lucky and he just doesn't know I'm here yet. Heh. Nice to see something's working out for the Red and White Wonder. Hmm. Someone's knocking at my door. Oh Primus. Please don't be Sunstreaker, please don't be Sunstreaker, please don't be Sunstreaker…

Dammit.

Entry 51

Sunstreaker just left. He spent about ten Breems babbling on about everything he's been up to, and how he's gonna be one of Prime's top warriors and how Primus is gonna come back and give him his own matrix blah blah blah! "I'm Sunstreaker and I'm made of wonder and glory with a side of EGOMANIA!" Heh. Before he left, I stuck a "kick me" sign on his back. I know, I know. That's a little weak for a prank from me. That's why I also slipped a small sonic device I "borrowed" from Brainstorm's lab onto that narcissist too! When it goes off, it'll start blaring the sound of engines backfiring! Ha! I wish I could see his face when it goes off. Priceless! Tomorrow, I'm supposed to report to the main Autobot base here. Great. I'm gonna have some words with that prick Prowl.

SECURITY OFFICER DEPTHCHARGE INCIDENT LOG

Incident Number 000472947592

Got a report that a fight had broken out at Command. Assembled a small team and deployed to base, entering through window on the south side. Found Autobot Intelligence Commander Prowl in an alteration with a Warrior designated Sideswipe. Prowl claims Sideswipe had "slipped something into [his] cup of Energon." This led to him reprimanding Sideswipe, which led to Sideswipe punching him in the faceplate, resulting in the alteration. Took both units into custody and put them in separate holding cells to cool down. Tested Energon for anything. Found flavoring that would have made the Energon taste incredibly foul, but was otherwise harmless. Ultimately, a harmless prank. Checking their files shows that the two mechs know each other and have a history. Furthermore, Sideswipe has a history of practical jokes. Ultimately deemed harmless, though I recommend keeping an eye on him. Plus, he punched Prowl in the face. Not gonna lie. I've wanted to do that many times.

Entry 52

I slugged Prowl! I actually did it! Aw yeah! I am awesome! I am a legend! There's not gonna be a single Autobot who doesn't know my name! Whoo! This is great! This one moment, this single moment, this is worth every bit of punishment! Hey! Maybe I'll get transferred back to the front lines!

Entry 53

So apparently my punishment is to stay here. Prowl said that what I want is to go back to the front lines, so the best punishment is to keep me here. That prick. I hate that guy. I really hate him. Adding to my happiness, he's made Sunstreaker my partner. Oh joy of joys. So now I'm stuck in Iacon with an asshole partner and absolutely nothing to do. Nothing's ever gonna happen in Iacon. You mark my words, this war's gonna end any day and I'll have not done a single damn thing of importance.