*Trigger warning* there are talks of self harm.
It had been a week since Clarke had come back after her 3 months away and Bellamy hadn't said a word to her or even acknowledged that she exited. It pained her she was so excited to see him when she came home but he just glanced and walked off, and that was it. Her mum had been pleased of course, berated her for being so reckless and begged her not to leave again, that didn't mean her relationship with her mum was fixed, it was far from. Raven and Monty had been her only friends making sure she ate and didn't run herself down in the med-bay, without them she didn't know if she could cope. Working was the only thing she could do to keep her mind off the horrors of Mount Weather and Ton DC so she worked herself to the bone.
Monty and Raven helped but they couldn't stop the nightmares, couldn't stop the panic attacks and the feeling that the world was falling apart around her, so she turned to the only thing she felt would keep her grounded. Self harm. The pain reminded her that she was real that this was all real and in a way she felt she deserved the pain for all that she had done. Luckily it was winter so she could get away with always wearing a jacket not wanting people to see her marks.
It had been a long day in the med-bay being winter many were down with a cold and there was always some idiot in there for fighting so by the time dinner was being served she was tired and hungry and just wanted to be alone. She walked aimlessly around the camp waiting for the dinner rush to go down the last thing she wanted to was run in to Octavia or Jasper and God forbid Bellamy she just couldn't handle it. Octavia had been hostile the moment Clarke stepped a foot back in to Camp Jaha screaming at her for what she had done and how Bellamy had turned into a wreck since she'd been gone, vowing never to forgive her. Jasper was no better, never meeting her eye and telling her she wasn't welcome any more because if Maya isn't here then why should she be.
Finally she couldn't take it any more and hunger won over. She collected her measly rations, hardly any meat due to the winter. She saw raven and Monty sat down and headed over to them knowing she could seek some comfort in them. 'What the fuck do you think your'e playing at Griffin' Octavia broke the silence in the camp as Clarke had not noticed in her daze that she'd walked right into her spilling her soup all over Octavia. 'Octavia im so sorry I didnt mean...' Clarke tried to stammer out. 'I don't give a shit if your'e sorry or not, im fed up of you moping around wanting every one to feel sorry for you, when you are the one who caused all this mess, all those people are dead because of you! Jasper is a mess because of you, and don't even get me started on my brother, take the rest of your food and get the hell out of here, no one wants you! Octavia all but snarled at Clarke. She did what Octavia said and holding in the tears ran out. 'Clarke, Clarke stop' It was Raven. 'Don't listen to O she's gone a bit all high and mighty since becoming Indra's second and doesn't see that what you did was for everyone'. Raven said putting a comforting hand on Clarke's back. 'No Raven she's right im a fucking monster I shouldnt have even come back, no one wants me here' Clarke shoved off Ravens hand. 'Hey Clarke, we've got your back, me and Monty we care for you Clarke and so does Bellamy but he's being stubborn as always and not admitting it, give it time he'll come round and one day Octavia will understand I promise' Raven said trying to console Clarke even though knowing Clarke wouldn't believe her. ' Thanks but I just want to be on my own right now okay' and with that Clarke headed back to her tent the thoughts trying to take hold of her and bring her down into darkness.
Clarke sat in her tent trying to keep a straight head waiting till she knew she wouldn't be bothered by anyone to 'ground' herself again and remind her of what she had done. When the last hum of people had gone, she gently rolled up her sleeve revealing skin marred by scars of her own doing and slowly unsheathed her knife with her other hand, her mind was too far gone all those thoughts trying to drown her she could feel the panic coming on and in that moment she cut.
Too deep with the anxiety and panic that took over her thoughts and clouded her vision she had cut too deep and the blood started gushing out of her wrist pooling on the floor. Clarke's mind was blank all she could do was stare as the blood poured out of her, she couldn't feel any pain but was transfixed by the red liquid coming out of her arm at an alarming rate. Somewhere in her mind she knew she needed to stop the bleeding but another part was willing her to let it flow and be taken by the darkness that had been following her for such a long time. Shakily she stood up trying to staunch the flow of blood with an old rag by her bed, she reached the edge of her tent but had started to feel very dizzy and her vision was starting to fail. She managed to stumble out of the tent and head vaguley to the med-bay. What she didn't expect was to run into the one person who she had been dying to see but also to avoid. Bellamy Blake. 'Woah Clarke what's wrong what are you doing out here' he said confused whilst gripping onto her as she was clearly not right but as it was dark he couldn't see Clarke's blood soaked arm. 'Could ask you the same thing...' she trailed off her words slurring because of the loss of blood. 'Im not in the mood for this Clarke if your drunk just go back to bed' he tried to sound angry but there was concern in his voice and it was evident in his face too. Clarke stumbled and that's when Bellamy grabbed hold of her arm and was confused by the wetness he felt there and then the panic set in as Clarke collapsed.
'Help I need help, Shit, Abby it's Clarke I need help' He shouted as loud as he could his heart breaking seeing the women he had ignored for so long yet adored limp in his arm blood pouring out. Abby sprinted out of her tent and met Bellamy at the med-bay which she knew he would be at. Now there was some light Bellamy's stomach dropped there was a huge gash in Clarke's arm smothered with blood and Clarke was so still and pale. 'Bellamy get out of the way now, Jackson I need blood stat and pressure on that wound' Abby's words were frantic but Bellamy was frozen to the spot, he couldn't lose Clarke not now, not after he had ignored her for so long not without telling her, he loved her.
'Bellamy, out now I need to focus or Clarke is going to die!' Abby's words shocked him out of his revere and he left the med-bay. He slumped against the wall head in his hands just repeating in his head 'I cant lose you, I cant lose you, I cant lose you' he's just got her back and in his stubborn ways had left her to be even though he knew the pain and anguish eating his insides was affecting Clarke too but worse, and now she might die and he would always blame himself if she doesn't make it through.
Thank you for reading, If you suffer with anxiety, depression or self harm please don't feel you are alone and seek help things will get better I speak from experience!
If you enjoy this I shall write a second chapter, am open to suggestions for what should happen. Reviews are appreciated :)