Discs.: I don't own the show nor its characters!
A/N: My newest story...It was inspired by the song "Sorry" by Stanfour...Special thank goes to Damned Lolita for correcting it.
Takes place a month after Elle left...
Sorry
1.Missing you
Hotch was once again lost in his thoughts. Ever since Elle left nothing was the same. He missed her so much - and she was always on his mind.
When she had entered his life he didn't even realize how she was invading his mind and heart, how she made him happy; she light up his day. She had been able, no matter how bad a case was, to transform even the worst darkness, the darkest night into the brightest daylight...with a simple glance, a gesture, with just her presence.
Maybe he just didn't want to see it back then; but the truth was that he had fallen for her...
When she vanished out of his life, it felt like he had been pushed over an edge into a giant hole, into complete blackness. Her leaving robbed all his hope, now he was left alone, doubting to see the light ever again...
Whenever he closed his eyes he saw her, her smile, sometimes he believed to hear her laugh, to smell her perfume; to see her in a crowd smiling back at him.
All of a sudden he was interrupted in his train of thought by the others, who had just finished their reports and wanted to head out to get some drinks now.
"You're coming too?" JJ asked, smiling at him.
The others looked expectantly at him, and he nodded.
"Just a moment."
He shut down his PC and got up. He could really use some drinks, it wouldn't solve his problems... but it would help him to forget them at least for a while.
Two hours later :
After the team had parted, Hotch went to his car. He of course knew that he shouldn't drive after all the drinks he had, but on the other hand he would need his car the next day...
While he was driving home he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number; hoping she would answer the call this time. But once again, his call only went to voice-mail. After a short moment he decided to leave a message.
"Hey Elle, it's me - again...Listen, I'm sorry for what I said to you - and even more for what I let happen to you, for not being there...I know I should have protected you - but instead I sent you right into his trap. I wish I could change what happened. I wish I could say or do something to make you change your mind. Probably I'm only saying all of this because I'm totally drunk." He continued.
" But I miss you... I need you so goddamn much! Since you are gone I feel so empty... so lost. You're invading my every thought and it kills me slowly to know that I lost you...I'm so horribly sorry, Elle, believe me— I am! Please call me –even if just to tell me to go to hell— but I need to hear your voice at least one last time!" He was crying now, and he didn't even care.
"I know that I lost your faith— and I certainly don't deserve forgiveness, I mean, you were right with what you said in Dayton, and also at the cemetery... but I need you back at the office, on the team—back in my life! I know how selfish I behave, how selfish it is to ask you to come back after all I did; what I let happen to you and said to you...For Christ's sake I sure as hell know that I should let go, that I should move on—and most important let you move on— but I can't! I just can't!" He was rambling, but he needed to get this out.
"I tried it so hard but no matter what I did it didn't work...I hate feeling this way, hate the fact that I can't stop thinking of you –not even when I'm with Haley, you are even invading my dreams! I hate that I feel so weak— that you make me feel so weak!" He felt vaguely angry with himself, and so he should have.
"My life, my marriage is falling apart— I am falling apart! I made this fatal mistake which cost you almost your life...The job seems so pointless since you left. God, Elle, please forgive me! But more importantly, come back, please Elle, come back I miss you... I need you so much!"
His cell phone made a beep and the connection broke. He stared at it and cursed at himself for not recharging it. Only then he realized that he had already parked in front of his house. He sighed heavily, and then he left the car and went to the front door.
When he entered the house, Haley got up from the couch and approached him
"Why are you still up?"
"I waited for you - are you drunk?"
"I guess I am...Is that a problem for you?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Aaron?"
"Why do you even care?!" He yelled angrily.
Haley stared at him and replied:
"Because I love you...And I'm worried about you. There are times when I don't even recognize you anymore...You changed so much since your colleague was shot..."
"Don't talk about her!" Hotch yelled even louder than before and they heard how Jack started to cry.
"Great! Now you woke Jack up..." Haley looked at him.
"I don't even know why I'm here! I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided to drive home!"
Hotch glared at her for a moment, then he turned to leave.
"Aaron, wait. Please stay; I haven't seen you for days..."
She got a hold of his hand and he turned toward her. He let his head drop. Haley kept looking at him for a moment then she stated:
"Listen I have to get Jack back to sleep...Promise me that you are still here when I come back, okay?"
She waited for an answer but none came, so she turned and went upstairs. After a few minutes Hotch followed her, but instead of going to see his son he went to the bedroom and got ready to sleep. Only then he realized how tired he was. Not even a minute after he lay down on the bed he had fallen asleep.
When Haley wanted to go downstairs to check if her husband was still there and she walked by the bedroom she saw him lying in bed, obviously asleep. She smiled, then she went downstairs and turned off the lights.
Five minutes later :
As Haley entered the bedroom, she first changed into pajamas, turned off the phone and lights then she lay down next to her husband. She looked at him and wondered what he was dreaming. When she saw his facial expression she knew that he had once again a nightmare. It was hurting her to see how the job was getting to her husband. That the horror he saw everyday was also haunting him when he was sleeping.
"I'm so sorry, Elle...Please forgive me...Come back, I miss you—I need you so much on the team...in my life..."
Hotch said quietly, almost inaudible for Haley. But she heard it and it hurt her that his voice was filled with so much pain.
It took her unusually long to fall asleep that night because she was wondering how to make her husband open up to her.
The next morning:
When Haley woke up she went first to wake Jack, after she had dressed him, she went downstairs with him to get him breakfast. A moment later the phone started ringing and she went to answer.
"Hotchner."
"Oh Haley, is Aaron there? He is not answering his cell..."
"Uh, yeah...He is sleeping...Do you need him at the office?"
"Well, we have a new case; but it's not necessary that he is here...Let him sleep; he could really use some time off..."
"Thanks...Bye."
Haley was relieved that Jason had agreed with her.
"Bye, greet Aaron, will you?"
"Sure..." They hung up.
Aaron needed to catch up on sleep - no matter if he liked it or not...
11 am:
When Hotch woke up, he was shocked by how late it already was. He got up and went downstairs.
"You're up..." Haley stated the obvious as Hotch entered the kitchen.
"Why didn't you wake me?" Hotch asked, an unreadable expression on his face.
"Well, I thought you could use some sleep, and Jason agreed with me..." She smiled at him.
"What makes you think that I want to be here?"
He regretted what he said the very same moment as he saw her facial expression.
"God, I'm sorry Haley. This came out totally wrong...It's just, I don't know..."
"It's okay, Aaron— really..."
Haley looked at him and her smile returned. He went to her, drew her into an embrace and kissed her softly. After a moment, she stepped back and looked at him.
"Do you want breakfast?"
He smiled and nodded.
A few minutes later:
When they both had taken a seat at the kitchen table, Haley gave him a worried glance.
"What's the matter?"
Hotch took a sip of his coffee, and looked at her.
"It started again..."
"What do you mean?"
"Your nightmares are back...And you started to talk in your sleep again— you haven't done this since..."
Haley trailed off, remembering how he had reacted when she had mentioned it the night before. He let his head drop when all of a sudden the memories came back— memories of what he had let happen to her...
"Aaron, please tell me what is bothering you..."
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?!"
He looked at his wife. She only nodded, sad about the fact that he was not willing to open up to her— and the anger in his eyes.
"Look, I have to get to the office." Hotch got up.
"No, you don't. They work on a case in Wichita Falls, Texas...So, you see, it would be pointless to go to the office. I think we should use the time to talk..."
"There's nothing we need to talk about!"
"I want to know why you changed so much since your colleague was shot, or why you get so angry whenever I mention it!"
"You really want to know?"
She only nodded and he went on,
"I sent her home— I almost got her killed, and when she was back I made once again a wrong decision which didn't just put her in danger but also almost ruined her career— and she left. That's why! But I don't mind that you probably don't understand this..."
Haley replied,
"Actually I can understand it. You are a very caring person— you care a lot for your colleagues. I mean, they are like a second family for you, so it's not really surprising that you feel responsible for them...That's one of the things about you I love so much— that it affects you when someone close to you is in trouble..."
Haley looked sadly at him and he let out a sigh.
Tbc
A/N: I hope you liked it. Please take the time to let me know your opinion!