Gundam Wing Fanfic – "A Scoop of DQ"
written November 2001 by Astra M.
Gundam Wing copyright Hajime Yatate, Yoshiyuki Tomino/Sunrise/Bandai Entertainment. This is a derivative work based on the Gundam Wing series created purely for entertainment value; no profit is being made from its dissemination.
Love is like… well…
It's a lot like the vanguard product of that auspicious ice cream chain found lurking in suburbs and malls all across America. You know the one. A veritable den of iniquity ensconced in stainless steel and cheery Formica, lying quietly in wait.
Day after day, a typical scenario plays itself out – an unsuspecting couple, perhaps randomly sucked in by the whims of Fate (but more likely just farting about killing time before the bijou opens), walks up to the counter to be greeted by a momentous decision:
Ice Cream Jockey: Welcome to DQ. What'll it be today, folks?
Quatre: Two large cones, if you will.
Dorothy: Make mine chocolate.
Quatre: Vanilla for me, please.
And so it begins...
Dorothy: Just vanilla? (smirks) I guess I'm not surprised...
Quatre: What's so funny?
Dorothy: That's so you, Quatre, to get vanilla.
Quatre: What do you mean by that?
Dorothy: Oh, just that it's so... so... (shrugs) ... plain.
Quatre: Wha-? (frowns) No it isn't! It happens to be the world's most popular flavor! Besides, chocolate's too rich and fattening!
Dorothy: FATTENING???
Yes, an age old question, pondered by poets, philosophers and perplexed ice cream patrons down through the ages: Which will it be? Chocolate...
Quatre: It has caffeine, cocoa butter, sugar, a bunch of artificial sweeteners and preservatives – Goodness, Dorothy, it's practically a recipe for a heart attack!
...or Vanilla?
Dorothy: So? That's what gives it flavor! Not like some wimpy slop used to kill the aftertaste of everything from bad yogurt to laxatives!
Each has its own unique qualities, fervently lauded by its devoted proponents.
Quatre: That - That's hardly a detraction!
Dorothy: That's hardly something to brag about, either!
Vanilla is characterized by its slightly exotic, more delicate nuances – a gentle, comforting, all-encompassing flavor.
Quatre: Bragging? Look, Dorothy, vanilla is superior because it's just so versatile. You can use it in food, you can use it in drinks, you can use it in toothpaste, in soaps, in perfumes, as a scent in aromatherapy candles –
Dorothy: Remind me of that the next time I have the urge to burn something.
Vanilla also just happens to mix well with a lot of other flavors.
Quatre: (muttering) I never had this much trouble when Trowa came along...
Dorothy: And what does Trowa have to do with this?!?
Quatre: Trowa would have agreed with me!
Dorothy: Trowa just doesn't give a damn!
Chocolate on the other hand is more bold and passionate. A forthright, complicated flavor, it needs special handling to bring out its full merits.
Dorothy: Chocolate is superior because it stands on its own – other flavors enhance it, not vice versa. You can never mistake the taste for anything else. You don't buy a box of Hostess cupcakes for the cream-filled centers!
Quatre: I beg to differ.
Dorothy: (frowns) At least chocolate comes in more varieties than dull. It even works well with itself – For instance, there are so many kinds of chocolate in a Seven Deadly Sins cake that you can only eat one piece, because the flavor is just too rich!
Quatre: More like just too much.
And herein lies a fundamental truth: vanilla by itself is a little plain, and too much chocolate overwhelming…
Dorothy: Absurd. You can never have too much chocolate.
Quatre: But you CAN have too many calories.
Black or White? Truth or Dare? The Lady or... the Tiger?
Dorothy: (snarling) Are you trying to SAY something, Quatre?
Quatre: (flustered) NO! I'M JUST SAYING –
Fortunately for times like these, human ingenuity has stepped in to provide a ready solution where nature has seemingly not.
Ice Cream Jockey: Er, pardon me, but there's something else you two might consider.
Dorothy and Quatre: (eyes locked) YEAH? WHAT?
Ice Cream Jockey: (points to large sign) You both have heard of a twist before, right?
Dorothy and Quatre: …
Yes, the combination chocolate and vanilla soft serve cone. A miracle product of modern engineering (or freak kitchen accident), designed to combine the natural strengths of each flavor while appeasing the palates of the most ardent purists.
Quatre: (blushing) Ah… yes… there's always that, too.
Dorothy: (contrite) Quite.
Quatre: (scratching head) So… what do you say, Dorothy? Want to give vanilla a chance?
Dorothy: I suppose it… can't hurt.
Quatre: (smiling) Of course it can't. A little vanilla won't ever take away from the flavor of good chocolate, right?
Dorothy: …Yes, that's right.
Which brings us to another of Life's little paradoxes: chocolate needs vanilla to make it sweeter…
Dorothy: Thank you, Quatre.
Quatre: ... You're welcome, Dorothy.
Ice Cream Jockey: (shrugs) Whatever. Okay, that's one large twist coming up –
… while vanilla needs chocolate to give it zing.
Quatre: Oh, what the heck. Give me a twist, too, please.
Dorothy: (smiling) Feeling adventurous now, are we?
Quatre: (laughing) Guess I'm just a wild guy at heart.
Ice Cream Jockey: (sweats) Um, right…
Chocolate and Vanilla. Vanilla and Chocolate. Wholesome goodness...
Quatre: Heh, heh... (grins bashfully at Dorothy)
… offset by a hint of sinful indulgence.
Dorothy: A wild man... (looks thoughtfully at Quatre)
On their own, pretty good. Whereas together...
Dorothy: You know, all this talk about ice cream has given me a bit of an appetite. I think what I really would like right now is... a bowl of vanilla ice cream.
Quatre: (confused) Vanilla? But Dorothy, didn't we just –?
Dorothy: (drawing close) A BIG bowl, Quatre, of just vanilla...
…they combine into something more...
Quatre: (faltering) But I thought you only liked… I mean, you just said… then what about other things like… like the… nuts?
Dorothy: Too distracting. Vanilla really just needs one thing to go with it...
Quatre: You don't mean... (gulps) chocolate?
Dorothy: (twirling hair) But of course.
Quatre: (babbling) And... w-where are you gonna put the... chocolate?
Dorothy: (smiles seductively) All over it.
Ice Cream Jockey: Hey, folks? Excuse me?
…sensual.
Dorothy: I want it to be just DRIPPING with chocolate, coated so thickly from top to bottom that you have no choice but to LICK it all off before getting to the good stuff down below...
Quatre: (voice cracking) ... yeah?
Dorothy: (purring) And on top of all that sumptuous, yummy, tasty, irresistible ice cream...
Quatre: (whispering) O-on top?
Dorothy: (breathlessly) I want a little... luscious... red...
Quatre: (flushed) ... cherry?
Which brings us to the moral of the story: love is a lot like a vanilla and chocolate ice cream cone. Compromising, a bit twisted, and maybe just a little fattening, BUT ultimately very, very satisfying...
Dorothy: TAKE ME, QUATRE!!!
Quatre: OH YES, DOROTHY, YES!!!
Ice Cream Jockey: Hello? Security? We have a little problem here...
That, and you never know where the heck someone is going to take an analogy.