Amy arrived at school with red, puffy eyes hidden by a pair of sunglasses. She cried most of the night, but wasn't fond of the idea of everybody at school noticing. With the fake dating with her best friend, a lie that brought up so much about her life and how she really felt about the world, going to school wasn't a way to hide from her problems anymore. She wasn't the invisible girl she was a couple of months ago, which wasn't generally such a bad thing, but right in that moment, was torturous.
Because the image of Karma crying, the hurt in her eyes and the certainty it was all her fault made her angry. Angry at herself for telling Karma about her feelings, angry about Liam not being able to keep his mouth shut, angry at the alcohol misting her judgment and allowing her to make such stupid decisions.
She was also afraid that feeling would never change, that she would never have her friend back. She was disappointed that she was the one to ruin that relationship that was such a big part of her life for all those years. She, the one who felt she couldn't live without it.
Amy's phone ringed again and she looked at the shining screen. Reagan. She spent the entire night trying to talk and Amy ignored her. The DJ didn't know what was going on and Amy didn't want to tell her. It was too messed up and would probably not relieve the anxiety the girl always felt about Amy and Karma relationship. So, instead, she ignored the call and entered the campus, leaving the phone on just in case Karma decided to call, decided to forgive her. She stretched her neck to try to find Karma on the open field. She wasn't there, or at least not at Amy's eyesight. She wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing.
She gave a couple of steps, still thinking about all the things she could do to make it right. She apologized, called, texted, snapchated, facebooked. She would use smoke signal if possible, but apparently she would get the same result. Karma didn't want to talk to her. She couldn't remember a time she didn't talk to Karma.
"Hey," Amy heard Shane's voice in front of her and turned to him. He had a sympathetic smile. "How are you?"
"Not good." She shrugged, the tiredness and discouragement showing in her movements. "Have you seen Karma?"
"No, but I didn't look for her." He got a quick look at his phone before turning to her again. "Maybe you shouldn't either. I mean, she is angry, give her some time to cool down."
"I don't think time will help for what I did." She said. "Karma was really hurt."
"Well," Shane shook his head and made a frown, "you slept with Liam the day you told her you have feelings for her. How else is she supposed to feel?"
"I know, I'm the bad person here." She pointed at herself. "But I still need her to forgive me. And for that to happen, I need to talk to her."
"Do you want me to go all romcom with you guys?" The boy said with an excited look. "Lock you two in a room, a big musical number, something like that?" He inclined his head and gave her one of his big, provocative laugh. "Karma loves the drama."
"She does, but I think we have enough drama for a lifetime," she tried to give him a little smile, but it was difficult. "And I can't sing for the life of me, so talk is gonna have to be enough. We have too much history for me to just let it go like that."
"If you say so, honey." He half hugged her, which only showed how much he knew she felt bad, they didn't usually hugged. "Now I have to go help another friend depressed because of Karma. I am gay and still have a girl taking over my life."
He left and Amy thought about the other relationship that was destroyed the night before. With Karma wouldn't forgive her, she probably didn't listen to Liam either and that worried her. Not as much for Liam, even though he wasn't half as bad as she wished he was, but because that probably meant Karma didn't had anyone to talk to. She had all those feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and not a single outlet for it to come out. They would just stay inside, boiling, becoming more intense and scary and making her feel worse. It just made her more sure that she had to do something.
She looked through all the usual spots Karma would be, but couldn't find her. She asked people on hallways, but nobody seemed to know where the girl was. Maybe she didn't even went to school, which wasn't something usual for her. If at least she answered her damn phone, Amy though pressing the screen again, listening to the known voice sending the call to voicemail. She was ready to drive back to Karma's house when she considered one last place to check.
Amy wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing that she found Karma sitting alone at the auditorium. She was so worried about finding her, making sure she was okay, talking to her, she didn't really figured out what to talk. Or how to make her listen.
As predicted, as soon as Karma noticed Amy's presence, she stood up to leave. "Karma…" Amy said, but the girl kept walking to the exit. "Look, I know you are angry and the last thing you want is to talk to me right now, but please…"
"Please what?!" She turned around to face her best friend. Ex-best friend, she thought to herself. "Please understand why you slept with my boyfriend? Or how you lied to me all this time? How our friendship meant so little to you that the fact that I couldn't love you back the way you love me justify you doing something like that? Because I don't want to hear that! I don't want to hear how sorry you feel or how much I mean to you, because you didn't think about that while you were screwing Liam!"
"I was drunk!" Amy cried, knowing that wouldn't help. "You broke my heart! You didn't mean to and I hate that I was so upset with you that I did what I did, but when you risk the one thing you can't live without and you get a 'I don't love you like that', it freaking hurts. And I'm not trying to justify and if I could change it back, there is not a single thing in the entire world that would keep me from changing it, but I can't." She took a deep breath before continuing, looking at Karma and searching for any signed the girl was understanding or even listening to what she was saying. "Now I'm stuck here between regret and worry and the horrible, but somehow excruciating inevitable possibility that I will have to be without you in my life and that…" She shook his head. "I need to have hope that this will work out and that we can get back to be us someday because… This is destroying me. Please, just… don't shut me out."
Amy stood there, her hands trying to clean her eyes from the tears that kept on coming even know she needed to look at Karma, she needed to understand the silent stare she was receiving and what that meant for their friendship. It was so easy for her to read Karma and right now it was like she never even met the girl before her. The vibrant, excited and lively Karma wasn't there anymore and it was her faulty.
"I can't give you that right now." She finally said, hiding from Amy's gaze. "I wish I could. I wish I could just be mad at you and know that at some point I would stop, but right now all I want to do is scream at you and I don't…I…" She was crying too and that made Amy feel even worse. The blonde didn't know it was possible. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be angry at you, but I have to, you made this, you made me hate you and…"
"So that's it?" Amy asked, not as an accusation, not as a plead, actually as a question. "It's just… over?"
Karma gasped and rose her head to look at Amy. "I hope not. But I don't know."
While she left, Amy took one of the seats beside her, trying to stop crying for enough time to reach her car. The way Karma talked about them, as if she was trying so hard not to fall apart made her realized that even though in such different positions, they were terrified at the same thing. Not having one another.
Maybe it didn't mean anything, maybe Karma would never talk to her again, but somehow that give her a little bit of home. Because you don't get so conflicted about something you don't care to lose. And Amy knew Karma enough to know she wasn't the one to lose very easily.