Authors note- This is my first Saiyuki Fanfic. So please be nice. But I always had it in my head the way I thought these guys should have gotten together, so I thought I'd write it. There are a couple references to certain moments in the series, and how I would interpret them. But just so I don't get sued, these are just my opinion…I also DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE SAIYUKI CHARACTERS! Ok, now that's out of the way…on to the story I hope you guys like it. Please review!
Mourghan
"Realizations"
There was a hint of tension in the group as of late. Not an angry tension, just a slight nervous shyness that they were all trying to ignore. The battle with Homera had come to an end. And they were still traveling to complete their original mission. But it seemed the battle with the gods had changed them all in a small but common way. All the close calls and near death experiences; It seemed had made them appreciate life little more, even the monk.
There was an unspoken confession on the tip of all their tongues, but none had the courage to say anything. So they rode in silence to the next town, hoping during the night one of them would get the nerve to say something.
Homosexuality was not condemned in Shangri-La. But the two "couples" were partners only to dissipate the anxiety of their journey. They all knew that love was something that they could not afford to let their minds get distracted with. They had a mission to complete, and they could allow nothing could get in the way of that.
There was an unspoken understanding in the group. The four men traveling together were companions on many levels. Hakaii and Gojyo were the first two to start depending on each other. The nights at Gojyo's house, while Hakaii was on the mend, they realized that their inner turmoils were alike. They felt resolve for all their pain in the comfort of each other's arms. Gojyo realized that when he was with Hakaii, there was a sad understanding between them. An understanding that he felt with no women he had ever been with.
When Sanzo told him that Hakaii was "dead" not long after they met, he wasn't destroyed inside; but there was this pang of lose. A feeling that he would never have that kind of unspoken mutual understanding with any other person, male or female.
It was not until Hakaii showed back up and the four men were brought together once again, did he realize how much he needed him. It was never a formal relationship, but once or twice a month after drinks together they would alleviate one another's pain for a short time, while enjoying the company of someone who understands.
Once their journey with Sanzo and Goku began, the two men decided that they could continue their companionship as long as it didn't interfere with their mission. They would stay in the same hotel room maybe once a month, only to try and forget about all the bloodshed and death they saw on a regular basis.
Sanzo and Goku knew, but didn't bother to say anything. They knew that an escape from reality once and a while was OK, as long as it didn't interfere with their journey. They had been escaping from that same reality with each other for about half the trip. There was no shame in getting comfort from someone in the destructive world they lived in.
Sanzo and Goku, however, found a higher level of companionship in each other in a completely different way. Everyone knows the story of how they were brought together, how Sanzo is a savior to Goku. Their bond was so tight because of that, it could only get tighter.
They lived together at the temple for a long time; and then started on their journey together. They were companions, and knew that there was nothing one wouldn't do for the other. They trusted their friendship and that loyalty to one another could never be severed.
It was only when Sanzo was cut down that first time by his possessed old friend did Goku start to realize that he wouldn't know what to do if Sanzo died. He went hysterical; he thought if Sanzo died then he couldn't go on living either. He transformed and almost got his wish.
After the fight when he was sitting by Sanzo's side at the bed he started thinking, thinking about how if only he could be held in Sanzo's arms all this pain would go away. For if those arms were to wrap around him, he would know that nothing could hurt them, they would be safe from all the distress and anguish they faced on a daily basis.
He knew Gojyo and Hakaii found temporary peace in each other's arms every now and then, and only wished he could have that break from the carnage for a small time. Though he couldn't speak those feelings. So he just sat and prayed that Sanzo would open his eyes in the morning.
Sanzo had been awake while Goku waited by his bed, but didn't know what to say to him. The fact that he had risked that much, just for him was beyond his comprehension. He knew he had a special bond with him, but he just wasn't ready to admit how far that bond reached.
While Goku sat with tears running down his face; it tore Sanzo apart knowing he was crying for him. Of all people to make Goku feel such anguish he hated that it was him bringing tears to his eyes. All he wanted was to take him in his arms and let him know that even if he couldn't make all the pain and suffering in the world go away, he didn't have to think about it while he was in his embrace.
Things went by normally after that. Goku knew he couldn't betray Sanzo's friendship so he just stayed quiet and enjoyed being in his comforting presence. And Sanzo knew that he couldn't let any of his emotions get in the way of their mission, so it wasn't until the battle with the Scorpion that they finally got their solace.
When Goku realized there was no way out of the desert, he knew he would have to transform. He had to save Sanzo, that was the only thing important to him. Though it almost made him want to cry because he knew Sanzo wouldn't want him to do it, he hated that it might disappoint him. But he saw no other choice.
While the battle raged on between Son Goku and Kugaji Sanzo got part of his consciousness back. Through a blurry haze, he saw Goku in his transformed state. He was fighting Kugajji,... but why? Was it for him, was Goku doing it to protect him. As he slipped in and out of consciousness he knew he couldn't let this go on anymore. If the bond between them was as deep as he knew it was; he should be able to reach Goku even in their current states.
After using all his strength, he finally brought Goku back, and they collapsed on each other, knowing everything was OK for now.
When word that Sanzo was awake reached Goku he was beyond nervous. He had done what he had to do to save him, and he hoped Sanzo knew that. Sanzo had been mad at him before; but he wanted him to know that he did it for him,.. To save him.
Finally Sanzo came into the room and Goku's anxiety went through the roof. Words were said and he got hit with the fan, but Goku knew that really didn't mean anything. It was almost a show of affection at this point. So when Gojyo and Hakaii went down to eat Goku sat on the bed next to Sanzo, He didn't know what to say but he knew he had to say something.
Sitting next to Goku, Sanzo knew he had to say something; the affectionate pat on the head wouldn't suffice for what he had done for him. He loathed that he made Goku as upset as he did on a regular basis. He wanted to be able to quell that feeling of sadness in Goku, at least for a short time. But he didn't know what to say, he had this rough demeanor to uphold and nothing he thought of in his head sounded right.
He looked over at Goku, who was staring at him with the most intense gaze he had ever seen, and saw a single tear roll down his face. And before he even knew it he had his arms wrapped around him in the tightest embrace either of them had ever felt. He rested his head on Goku's shoulder and realized that it wasn't only Goku that needed a temporary release from the hurt, but him as well.
" I hate that the tears on your face are because of me. I have a responsibility to wipe them away." Sanzo said as he pulled back a few inches. He held Goku's shoulders and stared at him for just a second before he leaned down and placed a soft long kiss on his lips.
Goku was so surprised and happy by the action that all he could do was reach his arms around Sanzo's neck and pull him back on the bed. When their kiss ended and their eyes opened, Goku said, "I just want you to make all the pain go away."
Sanzo's answer to that was wrapping his arms around Goku and kissing him forcefully enough to make any thought, good, bad, or indifferent, fade from his mind, and think only of the comforting lips that were pressed against his.
Later that night while Sanzo read the paper and the other two played cards, Goku just sat in the chair next to Sanzo's bed and looked at him in awe. How a man with such a hard outer shell could bring a temporary euphoria to his painful life his beyond his comprehension. And as Sanzo offhandedly said, "What are you looking at?" All Goku could think of was that now he too had his temporary release, just as Gojyo and Hakaii did.
This unspoken understanding continued throughout the journey for the two sets of companions. But now that the battle with Homera had come to an end; there were so many things running through their minds, they didn't know how much longer this silent agreement would be able to continue.
Goku sat in the back of the jeep and stared at the golden blond hair in front of him. It wasn't until after the battle with the gods did he realize how much Sanzo really meant to him. And not just as a companion to forget his woes with, but as a partner with him in his life, loosing him now would be worse than death. Sitting and thinking about all the intimate times they shared, he started to wonder if, with everything that had happened to them, had Sanzo's feelings deepened like his had?
In the front of the jeep Sanzo was sitting and staring out into the desert in front of them. He couldn't get the images of Goku out of his head. Those dreams, or whatever they were, about his past life in heaven kept swimming in front of his eyes. He knew him and Goku had a stronger bond than they realized, he just didn't know what to do about it. He didn't want to think about it, all he wanted was to get to the next town so he could hold Goku and forget the immense battle they had just endured.
Almost the exact thought was going through Gojyo's head sitting the back of the jeep. This had been such a long and strenuous battle that all he wanted to do was lay down with the only other person in the world that understands him. He would never admit it out loud but he was out of his mind with worry at the castle. He knew Hakaii was over using his Chi and he couldn't do anything to stop or help him. He was so afraid he would loose him that night. If that had happened, he realized, he might not have been able to continue on the journey.
He never thought of this companionship as anything other than two men understanding the hurt of the other, but now, after everything they had gone through, he thought of nothing but holding Hakaii and never letting go.
Hakaii was driving, trying to think of nothing. He knew that at the next town he and Gojyo could finally be alone, and then he could talk, because he had so many things to say. He just hoped he had the nerve to say it all.
They stopped the jeep in front of a nice looking hotel near dusk. They all got out of the jeep in silence. Goku didn't even mention getting food or being hungry. They were all so tired, all they wanted were rooms. They walked inside and Sanzo and Hakaii each received a key from the woman at the counter. The group of four separated into two sets of two and went to their designated rooms.
When Sanzo and Goku entered their room it was already dark outside; Goku went and turned on the light by the bed. When he turned around, Sanzo had shed his robe and was donning his reading glasses. So Goku shed his top layer of clothing and fell onto the bed in a tired clump.
He was curled up in the sheet watching Sanzo read the paper. His eyes were slowing beginning to close and he wondered if he would get to fall asleep in the monks embrace tonight. After such a long battle that was all he had wanted since they left the castle.
Sanzo looked up from his paper and stared at the lazy eyed monkey lying on the bed. He had noticed Goku's muscles before, but in the dip light of the room they seemed to ripple under his tan skin. He had never really looked at Goku that way before, sure he was nice on the eyes with his cute smile, but tonight he looked like a beautiful man.
Sanzo put down his paper and removed his reading glasses. Goku opened his eyes at the sudden noise, and the fist thing he saw was Sanzo sitting next to him on the bed. He slid his arm around Goku's back and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Goku leaned into it and put his fingers through the golden locks on his head.
When the kiss broke Sanzo crawled into the bed and wrapped his arms around Goku. He laid his chin on of his brown hair and closed his eyes to think. When nothing was said, and no one moved for a good 10 min. Goku asked,
"What are you thinking about Sanzo? The battle?"
In truth that was what Sanzo was thinking about, but he was thinking specifically of Goku in the battle.
"You have gotten so much stronger since I got you out of that cave. You could probably do this mission on your own."
Goku said nothing; he just buried his head in the monk's chest. It was then Sanzo decided to tell Goku something he never thought he would let him know. He sat up with Goku in his arms and said, "Did you know that I was the one who named you?"
Goku jerked his face up and stared into Sanzo's eyes. "What?"
Sanzo proceeded to tell him everything he had remembered from his past life in heaven. What he did remember wasn't much, just bits and pieces, but enough to let him know that the bond they shared went a lot deeper than Goku knew.
When he was done, Goku didn't know what to say, the images of the golden haired man in his memory had been Sanzo. Now the deep connection he always felt between them made sense. Goku knew that this was the time to say all those things he had been thinking since the battle ended.
"There are so many things I want to say to you." Goku blushed and pulled away from Sanzo just a little. "There have been so many times that I have almost lost you, and I realize now that I don't know what I would do without. My life would be…" He was cut off with Sanzo's lips. He had wanted to continue, but then he opened his eyes and was looking straight into pools of violet. It felt like Sanzo was looking into his soul, and already knew what he wanted to finish saying.
As Sanzo pulled away from the kiss he shook his head, "I know what you're going to say …" Goku held his breath, he was so afraid of being rejected. "I've wanted to tell you the same thing since the battle ended. I mean I don't see you dying easily, but if you did, I don't know what I would do." Sanzo stopped and looked away for a moment. "I've already lost something precious to me, I don't want it to happen again." He turned back to look at Goku and cupped his chin in his hand. "So you have a responsibility not to die. OK?"
Goku chuckled a little and placed his hand over Sanzo's. They sat like that for a minute and just enjoyed being in the others presence. Slowing, Sanzo leaned down and began to kiss Goku's bare neck. Trailing kisses from his ear down to his shoulder. He could feel his muscles rippling and twitching under his lips.
Goku leaned his head back and took in a sharp breath. Sanzo had never done this before, never been so gentle. He realized then and there he was in love with him, and somehow deep inside him, he knew the feeling was reciprocated.
Goku placed his hand on the monk's tight stomach and the other on his inner thigh. Sanzo continued his path of kisses until his lips were on his lower stomach. Then they both paused and looked at each other. There was once again a silent understanding between them that, yes they were actually going to make love this time, and not just pleasure each other to quell their pain. This would be more meaningful than anything they had ever done before, and they both wanted it more than anything.
Sanzo reached up and laid another light passionate kiss on Goku's lips; then he leaned back and dispensed with his leather under clothing. Leaving his tight rippling stomach bare and exposed.
Goku had never seen his chest and stomach unclothed before. He took full advantage and ran his hands up and down his chest while kissing his neck, occasionally pulling back to kiss his mouth. He could feel Sanzo's breath beginning to come a little faster, and the leg he was straddling began to twitch. Then, with one of Goku's hands in his golden hair he laid them both down on the bed and turned out the light.
In the room across the hall, Gojyo was coming out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist and started to towel dry his hair. He walked over to the mirror and wiped the fog from the glass. Looking at himself, he tried to think of what he was going to say to Hakaii when he went back into the room. There were no words said when they walked in; Gojyo had immediately gone to take a shower. He needed time to think, he knew things had changed between him and Hakaii in the castle, but he didn't know if Hakaii wanted what he wanted. Hell, he didn't even know what he wanted.
He walked out of the bathroom and saw Hakaii playing Solitaire on the table. Hakaru was on his lap. He walked over and pulled on his pants under his towel. When he looked back over Hakaii had piled up all the cards and was looking at him. Gojyo didn't really know what to say.
Hakaii had no idea what he was planning to say, but he knew it had to be done. He didn't say anything, just stood up and walked over to Gojyo stopping right in front of him. He looked into Gojyo's eyes and then kissed him. Not hard and rough like usual, when all they want to do is forget the day, but light and soft.
Gojyo never took his eyes off him, and when he started to pull away, Gojyo wrapped his arms around him and pulled him tight against his bare chest. Then placed a long, soft, passionate kiss on his lips, letting him know that what Hakaii wanted was exactly what he wanted and was waiting for.