Memoirs of a Professionally Packaged Mary Sue

By Lack Thereof

Hello all my adoring fans and rabid Uchihcest fans. This is your lord, Uchiha Itachi. Now, if you want me to kiss you (or Sasuke for the latter) you need to do EXACTLY as I say.

Ahem.

My publisher, Lack Thereof, told me I could not use my memoirs to start an empire. Lack Thereof is an idiot, I'll be able to dodge her easily. So, readers, e-mail me at eitachisplan AT aol DOT com (Kisame is the more internet savvy of the two of us) so we can discuss the world domination plan. And yes for all you skeptics that IS a valid e-mail.

Ahem.

Now on with the memoir. Lack Thereof is threatening to spontaneously combust if I don't. Don't know why she's on edge. But I better get to writing.

My name is Uchiha Itachi. And I am a big brother. And what do big brothers do? They make their younger brother's life hell. We can't help it. That's what we do.

But I was having issues. I killed off my entire clan and made Sasuke have a severe case of post-traumatic syndrome and psychosis. I mean, he's going to die a virgin at this rate. I messed this kid up for life.

But...
Where do you go from there?

I was discussing this with Kisame while hiding out in a Wal-Mart (I have conspiracy theories of Wal-Mart dammit.) Suddenly this customer service guy gives me a letter and walks away. Kisame told me to put it away because it could be drugs. Until I reminded him we were S-rank criminals and drugs was only on the tip of the damn iceberg.

Then my fishy friend has the nerve to reprimand me on swearing.

I told him that cussing was not even at the tip. It was at the very damn pinpoint, the kind that pokes you in your ass and gives you an ache and you can't sit down for the whole damn week.

That shut him up nice dammit.

Pardon my language.

Anyway, I opened the letter and it read:

Dear Uchiha Itachi,

I am an avid Fanfiction user and I have been studying lately what makes a Marty Sue character. Seeing as all authors make at least one in their writing career, I realized that Masashi Kishimoto is no exception. And his Marty Sues lie in no other then the Uchiha clan. Don't take offense. I've already sent similar letters to Madara and Sasuke.

This is the Marty Sue category you fall under:

b) Rebel!Marty-Stu. Also known as "Punk!Non-conformist !Marty-Stu", "Goth!Marty-Stu" ; and "Badass!Marty-Stu&qu ot;. This type of Marty-Stu usually has angst coming out of his you-know-what and isn't really badass, he just wants to be because he's oh!-so-angry about his tragic past. Blah, blah, sob story, mush. This type is often written by teenage girls around the age of 13-15, and is extremely loud and obnoxious. It also includes Evil!Stus.

An excerpt courtesy of Urban Dictionary.

Sincerely,

A Knowledgeable Fan of Naruto

"What the hell?"

"Itachi, what is it?" Kisame asked while picking the purple nail polish off his fingernails.

Fish have fingernails...?

"I am NOT a Marty Sue! I am NOT one of them! I am above them! Kishi would never do that to me!"

"Jeez, Tach, calm down." Kisame replied nonchalantly.

Pet names?! First a Marty-Sue, now I have a damn pet name!?

"I need to work off this anger." I announced as I stormed from the Wal-Mart, which for me now was a commercial Hell.

I sat behind a car and looked over my shoulder. I saw, who else, but my dear younger brother Sasuke, with some flat-chested chick on his arm, walking toward the Wal-Mart together.

I swore it was Naruto at first until I got a closer look. It was that girl name Sakura. She was adequately pretty I suppose (Konan is gorgeous though) and although she lacked in the upper row (Konan, though...) she looked dateable (Konan however... Damn you Pein. And damn you again because you're my boss.)

Suddenly an idea popped into my head.

It was very obvious Sakura was dear to Sasuke.

How could I have missed this one?

On a blank page in The Ultimate Manual for Making Someone's Life a Living Hell Premium Version, I wrote,

Eliminate the girlfriend by showing her the upgraded version of Sasuke (me) and try to get over Konan while you're at it. Even though you're in the room next door to Pein and Konan and can agonizingly hear every dirty deed they do.

I was feeling better already as I stood up and walked back toward Kisame.

Author's Note: Well that's the first chapter. This is kind of the ItaSaku version of My Favorite Little Puppet (a great story of mine which I recommend reading.)

Oh, and if you feel such an inclination, go e-mail Itachi at his e-mail. He might respond in the next author's note. But you have to REVIEW first if you want a response. And you have to be part of Fanfiction. Net. He doesn't like anonymous reviews.

Au revoir.

Revoir looks kind of similar to review huh?

But I'm not suggesting anything though.