Ma Chao sighs under his breath as he slips into the castle, wary that all the Generals and guards are in the dining hall as ordered by their lord to give him a chance to slip in unnoticed. He did not like sneaking around like this but it was better than the potential threat of being found and attacked on sight. The rest of them would not understand, he knows the fact all too well as the same was also true with his own comrades but it was nothing the two of them could help. He quickly makes his way to his destination, not wanting to risk one of the Generals wandering off and finding him roaming the dark halls. He reaches the set of doors he has sought out and carefully pushes one of them open, peeking inside to see if anyone else is in the room. The large room is vacant of anyone else and lit up by several low hanging lanterns hung on the walls. The warrior slips in then quietly closes the door behind him.
"Must be addressing his men before coming to meet me." Chao murmurs to himself, making his way across the room as he slips his helmet off, allowing his long, spiky blonde hair to fall freely down his back. "Always one to play a plan fully through even if it's unnecessary." He sets his helmet on the table in the center of the room but continues to one of the large windows, finding himself gazing at the stars as he retreats to his personal thoughts.
"Why is it we must play this game of ours?" He asks himself though the answer is as plainly obvious as when the man he came to visit brought it up on their first night together at Xi Liang. It would seem suspicious and it was better to keep their relations a secret especially since the events at Tong Gate. The mention of that place always sent a chill through him but for different reasons than most realize, reasons they could not begin to understand.
He could admit to himself that he was upset over his father's execution but he knew it was not without reason on the other's part. He could never blame him for that. He was only trying to make it so they could be together but did not help either side any as the resentment between the two families grew worse and his reaction when the two first met in battle after that did not help much either. He was eventually forgiven for his actions that day but he never forgave himself after everything was explained to him. He knew the other cared for him deeply and he knew he had power that would never be his but he never imagined the other would be willing to kill off the only thing standing between them. Unfortunately, that back fired on both of them and made the barrier between them ever more resilient to break through.
"If only there was a way for us to be together without the cost of another man's life."
"Things are never that simple during times of war, Mengqi." The Ma boy is surprised by the voice and turns, flashing a sad smile at the other man as he approaches. "You should understand that as well as I do."
"I know, Cao Cao." Chao sighs, glancing to the side as the shorter lord walks up to him. "I'm just not as willing to accept it as you are."
"I know you aren't and that's fine with me but we can't change the fact that our country is at war with itself." The Wei lord states, grabbing the Ma's shoulder and causing the taller blonde to return his gaze to him. "And I've told you before, you don't need to use my name when it's just the two of us."
"Of course," Chao's eyes fall to the floor then return to meet a pair of stern, golden eyes. "My apologies...Mengde."
"That's better," Cao chuckles as his hand slides down Chao's arm, catching the boy's chin with his other hand as the blonde tries to look away. "What seems to be troubling you this night?"
"Nothing's troubling me, Mengde." Chao murmurs.
"Don't lie to me. I know you too well to tell when you're lying." Cao states. "Now tell me, what's on your mind that seems to be haunting you?"
"Too much to explain."
Cao Cao sighs and gently leads the boy by his arm to the large bed near the window. He knows exactly what has been bothering Ma Chao all this time, their conflict at Liang before he was recruited by Liu Bei.
They never spoke of the conflict because he knew how much it would upset the Ma child but he also knew the two would need to discuss the tension left by that battle. He had told the other that he had forgiven him for what happened in that battle but he always felt that Chao never fully let go of his guilt, something still lingered and has clung to him like a leech, draining him slowly over time and reducing the splendid warrior to a shell of his former self. It was like watching the very man he came to love die from the inside and he needed to stop it, if only to save his dear Mengqi.
He carefully removes his shoulder guards and gauntlets, tossing them aside then turning to Chao, who was doing the same as the blonde removes the armored parts of his attire. He stops the other as he reaches to remove his lower armor, receiving an odd look from the Ma boy.
"Not this time, Mengqi." Cao quietly states. "There's something we need to clear up."
"I never knew you for pillow talk, Mengde." Chao softly scoffs. "I thought you didn't like to discuss things in bed and that discussion were more of a strategy room event."
"Well, things are different tonight." Cao sighs. He lets go of Chao's hand then climbs into the bed, holding out a hand to the blonde. "Join me?"
Chao smiles softly and takes the hand then is gently guided into the bed next to Cao, finding his head resting on the warlord's chest and himself curled up against him. "So what exactly is different about tonight that you're breaking our usual routine?" He asks.
"I've been noticing some things that I wanted to discuss with you in privacy." Cao explains as he gently stokes the young Ma's hair. "I knew the battlefield was no such place for that nor anywhere out in the open, so I decided it was best to discuss on one of these nights, where it's just the two of us."
"Understandable, I suppose." Chao murmurs. "So what exactly are these things you're so curious about?"
"I've been noticing some changes in you, Mengqi, both in battle and during our private meetings, and it's worrying me quite a bit." Cao explains. "And before you try to argue it, I know you have changed and I know the reason why." Chao glances up as the warlord curiously, noticing the man's eyes are closed as his arm wraps around him and tightly grabs his shoulder. "I know the events from Liang still bother you."
The blonde buries his face into the chest of the other, this was the last thing he wanted to discuss with the other. Anything else would have been fine but this topic was not and he could not pull away from the other to avoid speaking of it. He assumes this was the only way Cao Cao could get him to hold still long enough to speak of this issue. Even if he manages to get out of Cao Cao's grasp and his room, he still has the entire castle to navigate without someone spotting him in the process. He was stuck here, in the arms of her secret lover, to discuss the last thing he wants to think about.
"Why is that?" The older male's voice breaks through Chao's train of thought as he glances up at the warlord, finding those gold eyes he always adored. "I've told you that you were forgiven for what happened that day, so why do you still hold on to some of the guilt from that day?"
"I...I'd rather not talk about it." Chao murmurs as he looks away.
"Please, Mengqi," Cao pleads, pulling the younger man against him. "The guilt you still hold on to is clinging to your soul like a leech, draining away the man I love and leaving behind someone I hardly recognize, and I can't stand to watch you be slowly eaten away because you can't let go of a past that should've been long forgotten." He forces the blonde to look back at him. "Tell me why you can't forgive yourself for that one day. If not for me then at least do it for yourself."
Chao tightly shuts his eyes to prevent the tears flooding his vision from spilling but finds they are stronger as they leak out in small streams. The hand on his chin slips to the back of his neck and gently pulls him against the firm chest of the other, allowing him to quietly cry into his chest as he lost control of his thoughts and mouth.
"Because I lost more that day than I realized." He whimpers, tightly clinging to the warlord as he continues. "I lost the only friend I ever had after losing my brothers, I lost respect for myself and my family name, and..." He fearfully looks up at Cao, tears still clouding his vision. "I hurt you worse with my words than I ever could with my spear. I was so deeply angered by your actions that I never thought for a moment why you did what you did until you told me your motives there on the battlefield. My father was the only thing standing between you and what you desired most." He shamefully looks away as he drops his head against the older man's chest. "That's why I truly retreated. I couldn't stand to bring any more harm to you after that but I could never forgive myself for those venomous words I left you with." He tightly curls into himself, trying to hide himself in the purple, silk sheets of the bed. "I thought you would never want to see me again after that day. I thought our days were over...I thought the anger we long pretended to have for one another had actually become real." The Ma child chokes a sob as the Wei lord gently forces him to look back at him then plants an equally gentle kiss on his lips.
"Never in my life could I find it within me to ever hate you after all this time." Cao quietly murmurs, guiding the blonde's head to rest against his chest as he runs his fingers through the young man's hair. "I understood you would be furious about your father's death but I also knew that you would eventually understand why I did it and forgive me. I never thought my actions would turn into something that could slowly drain the spirit from my beloved Ma." He nuzzles into the blonde locks of the smaller male as he wraps a protective arm around the quivering form beside him. "I wish you had told me sooner."
"I-I'm sorry," Chao murmurs.
"Don't be, Mengqi." Cao sighs into the soft, wheat-colored locks. "You never have to be sorry for things like this. I know you never wish to talk about the days before you joined Shu, that's why I wanted to wait until now to speak of this. I didn't think it would be successful, to be honest."
Chao softly chuckles as he nuzzles into the chest of the warlord. "I'm glad for your efforts or else I would've taken this all with me to my grave." He quietly yawns as he shifts to get comfortable in the arms wrapped around him.
"Just rest for now, Mengqi." Cao whispers into his ear. "You'll need it for your journey home." He quietly smiles to himself as the vivid emerald eyes of the Ma child flutter close as the other drifts to sleep then slowly pulls the covers over them. He nuzzles into the fair locks of the young man then gently places a kiss on his brow before trying to sleep himself, knowing his success this night would not be without reward over the next few months. All to protect the one thing he had besides his kingdom and warriors, his dear, beloved Ma Chao.