Survivor's Guilt
Summary: Sakaye hadn't begun biting her nails until after the massacre.
Words: 582
Characters: FemSasuke (Sakaye)
Warnings: None
Pairings: None
Disclaimer/Claimer: While the original Naruto characters do not belong to me, these GenderBender creations are mine. Do not steal them... EVER.
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Survivor's Guilt or Survivor's Guilt Syndrome is a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives his or her self to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. It may be found among survivors of combat, natural disasters, epidemics, among the friends and family of those who have committed suicide, and in non-mortal situations among those whose colleagues are laid off. The experience and manifestation of survivor's guilt will depend on an individual's psychological profile. When the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (DSM-IV) was published, Survivor's Guilt was removed as a recognized specific diagnosis, and redefined as a significant symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
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. . ...Why did I survive?... .
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Sakaye hadn't begun biting her nails until after the massacre. She had only seen someone do it once, and then, one day she'd discovered that she had developed the habit as well. It had been strange to realize that the once neat-cut nails were jagged and torn, bit nearly to the quick.
As time went on, she bit them even when there was little left to chew, gnawing and gnawing just before feeling the jolt of pain or taste of iron if she chewed too far. Usually, she would stop before reaching that point, but sometimes she went on, even as she felt the tearing of her skin where teeth bit away and pulled it apart, exposing the dark liquid beneath to the world.
The pain would jerk her from whatever stupor she'd been in and the finger would immediately pop into her mouth, regret washing over her every time gripping a kunai or pencil brought a dull throb. Fortunately, Sakaye was better than the pain so it did not affect her performance, but even so, it was an annoying circumstance.
Eventually, the biting of nails developed into the gnawing of fingers. Instead of cartilage, her teeth tore away at the skin around it. The first few times brought blood, and as she sucked the digit, she swore she'd stop.
But, like an addiction, she returned to it, her fingers growing used to the treatment and the metallic taste coming less and less.
By the time she reached the age of 12, Sakaye was an expert at the task, chewing and biting away at nail, skin, or both; rarely drawing the vital fluid from her body, though the pain remained.
Yet, sometimes as she bit them on the habitual reflex, she would keep gnawing even as she knew what the result would be. Something within pushed her to keep going until, finally, the iron blood returned and she was left regretting the action and wondering why.
Sometimes, while lying in bed during the dark of night, biting at the fingers and nails, she pondered it and thought she might actually understand.
She should have been able to do something that night. She should have been able to do something other than stand in fear, for really, what good had that been?
This pain, this blood now; it was nothing compared to what those Uchiha who had died that night had felt. The never ending gush and oh-so prominent, sickening scent of iron that had filled the air, the sharp, painful slash or stab of a sword... Compared to that, the destruction of her fingers meant nothing.
She had survived what none of the others had, and yet, she had escaped with little less than a scratch on her.
She had gained a shallow wound on her shoulder that hadn't even left a scar.
They had lost their lives.
Why should she get off so easily? Why should it be so simple for her?
Thus, she bit and gnawed and drew the red liquid, her subconscious allowing what her conscious mind would never.
Maybe it seemed masochistic, but it couldn't be. Sakaye didn't enjoy the pain, but somewhere deep, deep within herself, she felt she deserved it.
Therefore, she chewed and tore, spilling the life-giving fluid and sending the sickly-sweet, nauseating smell into her nose and the iron taste to her tongue.
Forever struggling to match the aching pain and rich blood of that night...
And, thus, is the guilt of a survivor.
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All my life, I've wondered why.
Why did I live? Why did I survive?
Each day I attempt to reconcile what they suffered and what I did not.
Each day I look at my fingers... This pain is all that I've got.
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A/N: I've had this little writing for quite some time, but have never gotten around to posting it. I really don't know why. Anyway, I think it makes sense that Sakaye would suffer from Survivor's Guilt. She watched her whole clan die in front of her. Why not?
Partially inspired by the fact that I chew my own fingernails and do, in fact, chew the skin around them and make myself bleed on occasion. *laughs* It's a bad habit, I know, but I can't help it...
I also figure this, in some way, gives Sakaye a physical imperfection. There will always be flaws to human perfection, for human perfection doesn't exist. Some might think Sakaye physically perfect, but this, in fact, proves that she is not. *grins* I think it's interesting...