Once again this is a fic that was born out of my tendency to procrastinate on things that I actually need to finish. Sadly this is not a very happy fic at all and I suppose that I should warn that there is character death. It was inspired by Snow Patrol lyrics (I've found they're good for angst) and also by one of my psych classes.
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis nor the characters and I don't own the song lyrics by Snow Patrol either
Something happened that I never understood…you can't leave…
He watched it happen to her and he couldn't do anything about it. There was nothing he could do because this didn't require weapons or strength or strategy. This required a miracle cure that he couldn't hope to dream of coming up with, that Rodney couldn't even help formulize, and that Beckett couldn't seem to reach.
So he watched. He watched as she lost weight, as she became more of a liability on the missions. Listened as she told him them that there was nothing wrong, that she was perfectly fine. She was just tired; it had nothing to do with the virus that was slowly beginning to spread through her system.
One day he took her out to the balcony, he wasn't sure why…maybe because it was private or maybe because he thought that the ocean air would somehow soothe her. He was wrong, he caught her wrists as she tried to hit him after he finally officially removed her from the team, brushed her hair out of her face and held it back as she immediately turned and leaned over the edge of the balcony. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand but instead of asking to go back in she started yelling at him. Angry words of "this is your fault" and "this never should have happened." Of course he knew that it wasn't his fault, they had all gone on the mission, had all been infected, but somehow she had been the only one to contract the virus. But he couldn't deny that it never should have happened, they should have been more careful, should have done something to prevent it.
For the most part Teyla stayed out of Beckett's way as he worked but, after searching every other possible room that she could be in, he finally entered the infirmary. Sure enough she was there, but he stopped at her words. "Dr. Beckett, surely there must be something you can do."
"I'm sorry love, I'm trying my best but these things take time." Beckett sighed, "Teyla dear, I'm going to do everything I can for you, you know that."
"Could you not just give me what you have been working on? Perhaps it would help?"
"Or perhaps it would kill you, have you ever considered that?"
John took that as his opportunity to enter, "Hey, everything okay?"
She nodded to him before leaving. John glanced at Carson and the doctor shook his head, "It doesn't look very good."
John didn't want to hear it, he went after Teyla instead.
Two weeks later and she had quit speaking with Dr. Beckett as frequently. Instead of the infirmary John found her in the gym sitting in the window, her chin was resting on her knees, her hands clenched around them.
"Hey," he slowed down his approach, waiting for her to acknowledge him.
She didn't say anything, just glanced at him before returning her gaze out the window. He took that as enough of an invitation and he took a seat next to her.
"Things are going to be okay," he said, he wasn't quite sure if he believed himself, wasn't sure if she would believe him ,but it needed to be said. He ran a hand through his hair and then rubbed his face, this couldn't be happening. "Teyla…"
She turned towards him, her face gaunt, her eyes hollow, "Everything is not going to 'okay' John…there is no hope for my recovery."
"Hey now," He reached out a hand patted her knee, "None of that. Beckett will come through."
"Perhaps."
He sat with her, neither of them speaking. Finally he stood, "If you ever need to talk you can come find me. Or Rodney, or Ronon. We're all here for you."
She glanced up at him, "I know."
Days later and she took him up on his offer, he opened the door to his room one night to find her standing there and so he had let her in. She had sat on his bed and admitted to him that she was afraid, told him how she was feeling. She opened up to him in a way that she never had before. They had always had an understanding but this was different, it was deeper.
And it scared the hell out of him.
"Sheppard wait up!" Rodney jogged down the corridor and John stopped, if Rodney was running then it was obviously something important.
"McKay?" He couldn't recall hearing anything about their looming demise in some way, shape, or form. Things were pretty quiet.
Rodney panted slightly, "Teyla…"
John stiffened, "What about her? Is she okay?"
"No-wait!" he yelled as John nearly took off at a sprint down the hall, "She is but she isn't."
Glaring at the scientist, John snapped, "Explain."
"I was telling her that I may have found a planet that could possibly have some sort of plant that might help to slow the progress of the virus but she said that I didn't have to worry about it because everything was fine and that she was content…the woman is practically on her deathbed and she says she's content!"
While it wasn't exactly what he had expected to hear he could understand Rodney's worry. "I'll talk to her."
He found her in the gym, this time she was sparring with Ronon. It was clear that the Satedan was taking it easy on her. There was no strength behind the blows, even so she struggled.
John watched for a moment, he could remember when her movements were fluid, quick, and precise. When she could easily kick his ass and could hold her own against Ronon. He hated watching them. Luckily both Teyla and Ronon sensed his presence and they dropped their bantos rods. Teyla looked defiant, Ronon guilty.
"I was taking it easy on her," the Satedan threw in quickly.
Teyla rolled her eyes, "Yes, too easy."
"Well before you two decide to have a rematch, I wanted to talk you," John looked at Teyla, she nodded.
John waited until the door shut behind Ronon before starting. "Rodney was kind of worried."
Her eyebrows shot up, "He was?"
"Yeah, something about how you were giving up?"
He was surprised when she smiled softly. "John, I am not giving up. I am merely accepting my fate. I would much rather die with dignity than be subjected to the tests that he proposed."
"But that's the thing, you don't have to die."
She sighed and moved closer to him until she encircled him with her arms, her head resting against his shoulder. "I think we both know that the time draws closer."
Not if he could help it. But as he held her he realized that the little bit of sparring with Ronon had taken more out of her than she let on, that her body was trembling slightly, her breathing was uneven…no…it would be okay. Everything would be okay.
It wasn't long after that that she was rushed to the infirmary. He and his team were off world; their radios had crackled to life earlier than expected. "Colonel Sheppard this is Atlantis…I'm sorry to say Sir but…well it's Teyla, Sir." He had glanced at Rodney and Ronon and the three had turned and made a run for the gate.
"John?" Teyla looked up at him and took his hand in hers. "It will be okay John."
Damn it. It would not be okay, she couldn't leave him, not like this. "Carson said that there's a chance, there are more tests, experimental drugs…" he trailed off at the look she gave him, "what?"
"It is my time John."
"It's not, it can't be. After all we've been through, after risking your life over and over on missions and then this? This can't be how it ends."
"Not everyone dies a warrior's death," she squeezed his hand, "Or a peaceful one. But I am not alone and that is what matters."
"You can't leave," he leaned his head down until their foreheads touched. "You can't. Who's going to keep us all out of trouble?"
"You will be alright," she kissed his lips gently and he returned it.
He smoothed back her hair, "How are you feeling?"
"I have grown accustomed to the pain…and Carson has given me medicine to dull it."
Carson had said that the virus caused her to slowly waste away and that finally her organs shut down. Things were going to get worse at the very end. "I'll be here. We'll all be here."
Days turned into weeks turned into months and there were times when he still ran to the gym thinking he was late for a sparring date. Times when he would be on a mission and start to give her an order. She had said that things were going to be alright.
He wasn't so sure.
Slightly angsty, but I hope some of you still enjoyed it. Reviews are welcome.