breakdown, r
passions, whitney russell, 3258
After reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances, Whitney finds that nothing has changed in Harmony since she left. Includes Ethan, Eve, Gwen, Rebecca, and Theresa.
Note: This fic is my take on another version of events that happened after Whitney stormed off from Eve and Theresa on the November 10, 2005 episode.
Sometimes Whitney could find herself so angry that she could barely breathe. She would clench her teeth, squeeze her eyes shut, and will away the world as strongly as she could. But inevitably when that moment would pass she would be left back to where she was, no better, no worse.
Theresa! Whitney's heart began to rage again. My God, Theresa! Theresa had not changed one bit. She was still exactly the same. Always clinging to futile hopes, reaching for dreams too far out of her scope, and hurting everyone around her whether she realized it or not. And Mom... Eve should have known better than to give anything like those dangerous pills into Theresa's hands.
But they always found justification in their actions. Always, always... disgustingly always.
Whitney wished she could make herself move from the hard, hospital chair and go back to Theresa and comfort her, the woman who had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Whitney wished she could make herself walk to her mother and apologize for what she had said because she knew that there were many things that she shouldn't have said to Eve over the past year. But her heart was steel.
Whitney did not move from the chair and she could barely breathe.
"Whitney?" A hand was placed on her shoulder and Whitney jerked, pulled away from her thoughts.
"I'm sorry dear." The nun moved her hand away. "I didn't mean to frighten you."
Whitney opened her mouth to respond, but no words came.
"Is something the matter?"
Whitney shook her head fervently at first, but then she paused and slowly nodded twice. As the nun sat down beside her, Whitney began to speak. "Sister Rose, I've learned that a friend of mine is in the hospital and he is very sick. Can I go see him?"
Whitney could tell by the tight expression on Rose's face that she didn't approve. "You know how we feel about this..."
"Please... I just want to pray over him." The nun nodded. "Thank you." Whitney smiled gratefully at the nun, struggling not to dissolve into tears.
It hadn't been easy going to her mother's office and sheepishly asking where Ethan's room was, but as soon as Eve told her the information, Whitney rushed away before Eve could say another word.
She stood before Ethan's room, hesitantly peering through the wide gap of the door. Gwen's back was turned towards Whitney as Gwen leaned over Ethan, tenderly caressing his face. Rebecca stood idly by with a bored expression.
Whitney had a hand in this. In all of this. Every little secret that she had kept for Theresa in her struggles to win Ethan over had led to that man lying on the bed, fighting for his life.
Whitney tried to catch a glimpse of Ethan's face past Gwen's figure but was unable to. Rebecca whispered something to Gwen in a low voice. Gwen nodded and as they both turned to leave, Gwen's eyes caught Whitney's. As the women approached Whitney, she noted the weary look to Gwen's face.
"Hello, Whitney," Gwen greeted with a faintly surprised tone. "What are - ?"
"My, my, Whitney," Rebecca said, cutting off Gwen with an amused smile on her lips. "Black and white are really not your colors. They need to find something that can compliment your complexion better."
"Mother!" Gwen exclaimed in warning to Rebecca.
"What?" Rebecca responded innocently.
Gwen sighed. "Can you leave us for a minute?"
"Why?" Rebecca raised her chin. "So she can get information from you and pass it on to that whore?" Whitney winced. The comment sparked a small flame of anger within her, but she held her tongue.
"Just give me a moment, Mother."
"Fine." Rebecca gave Whitney a glare before she left the hallway for the waiting room.
Whitney had practiced what she planned on saying to Gwen, but it didn't come out as easily as she had hoped. "I - I heard about Ethan. I am so sorry." Gwen nodded and looked away. "How is he?"
Gwen responded impassively, "He is brain dead. The tests indicate that this may be permanent." Whitney's hand moved to the cross around her neck and she held it tightly. "I'd appreciate if you could keep this to yourself for now." Gwen expression hardened and a suspicious look grew in her eyes. "His parents, brothers, and sisters... they don't know this yet. In fact, I just learned about this a few minutes ago... along with Theresa."
This was something that Theresa hadn't told her. Gwen noticed the confused look on Whitney's face so she continued to explain. "Theresa was hiding in your mother's office as she was telling me the results."
"Ah..." Whitney trailed off. An uncomfortable silence settled between them and Whitney searched her mind for the next thing to say. "I wanted to come and - and pray for him." Whitney raised her eyes to Gwen's. "If that's okay with you."
Gwen let out a mirthless chuckle. "Knock yourself out." She gestured towards the door.
"Would you like to pray with me?"
"No."
Even though Whitney had some minor experience with the hospital from volunteering in the past, she was still left wholly unprepared to see the state that Ethan was in now. After stepping into the room, Whitney had stood frozen for a few moments, watching his chest rise and fall with the sounds of little blips and beeps of the machines around the room before she sat herself beside him with her cross in her hands.
Although she tried to resist, her mind began to wander. When was the first time that she'd even heard of Ethan Crane? ... Through Theresa, of course. Pilar had shared romantic stories about the lonely, but sweet Crane heir which Theresa latched onto passed those tales on to Whitney.
There was shuffling behind her. It was Gwen. "Would you like to sit with me?"
Gwen was silently crying. She shook her head 'no' and leaned against the wall. Whitney turned back to man next her and she continued her prayers.
Whitney had met Ethan the first time when she was thirteen at the annual Harmony Fair. Through Pilar, Theresa had learned that Ethan had returned to Harmony for the summer after graduating college. She had also heard that Ethan was going to be visiting the fair with a few friends. Theresa had giddily dragged along Whitney for help to spot him in the crowds, but after unsuccessfully searching for two hours Whitney had lost her patience and stormed off to go find Simone, Kay, and Jessica.
Whitney placed her forehead into her hands. They had been so young then. How was it possible for people to be so foolish, innocent and naive? Could she ever be that way again? Whitney wanted to be innocent and, oh, God, she wanted to be clean again too.
After she had given up the search for Simone and her friends Whitney had resigned herself to going back to Theresa. Just as she made the turn to move a force of something pushed her hard enough to throw her on the ground. Before she had time to register what had happened a hand had found hers and pulled her to her feet. And she found herself face to face with a twenty-two year old Ethan Crane.
Whitney looked again to the man below her. Ethan's eyes were watery and blank. Whitney wondered if Gwen ever closed his eyes at night. Could he still think? Was his soul still lingering next to him, chained to his body as long as he was kept alive like this? Did he want release? Or did he want to stay? Even if it meant looking at an empty ceiling day after day?
"I know it's difficult to see him like this." Gwen took a few steps to stand behind Whitney. "Kay and Fox have already visited, but I need to ask Noah, Jessica, Fancy and Pretty to wait until I can better prepare them. I don't know how the youngest ones will handle this."
"Oh, his sisters are home?" Whitney had heard numerous stories about Francine and Patricia Crane from Fox and Ethan.
"Fancy is here. Pretty is on her way. Fancy arrived not too long after you -- left. She was there at the wedding."
"I was a bit... distracted that day." Whitney reflected grimly on Theresa's wedding for a moment before returning her attention back to the hospital room.
Whitney briefly looked up at Gwen. This was new. She and Gwen were having a conversation.
After Ethan had pulled her up from the ground, he had apologized softly and asked her if she was all right. Whitney had been too shocked to speak. Her first thought was where Theresa was and how ecstatic she would be if she was here. When Whitney hadn't answered any of his questions, Ethan became worried. He had found her a place to sit and bought her a drink. Whitney remembered best how Ethan had looked relieved when she had taken a sip of her soda and how very different she had felt at that moment. Theresa should have been in her spot that day, but Whitney couldn't help but be pleased that it had been herself.
Whitney raised her right hand to the edge of Ethan's bed and slipped it into his. When he had helped get up those many years ago, his hand been strong and firm, but now they were revoltingly cold and limp. Whitney let go of her hold on him and Ethan's hand fell lifelessly back onto the bed.
And all of a sudden she hated Ethan.
"Join me, Gwen." Whitney looked to the crying woman. This time Gwen didn't say no.
Whitney knew she had played her own part in what had brought Ethan here. She couldn't help wonder which forks in her path of life had caused this.
Gwen was pulling a coat over her arms when she said, "I'm going back home to bring Jane so the three of us can have a Thanksgiving dinner. If you'd like, we would love it if you sat with us." Whitney was taken aback by the warmth directed at her from Gwen's eyes.
The offer threw her into a panic. "No... Thank you, but I need to go." Whitney held back the urge to run away, far away from the Ethan, Eve, Theresa, Harmony, everything, and everyone. Whitney turned to go find Sister Rose, but Gwen's voice stopped her.
"I remember when you and Fox started dating for the first time..."
Whitney turned back to Gwen and caught the sad, wistful look in her eyes. Oh no... Was she really going to do this? Whitney tried to look attentive and gave Gwen a small smile. A petite figure from the end of the hallway distracted Whitney momentarily. Theresa mouthed something to Whitney, but Whitney looked away. Thankfully, Gwen was too focused on whatever she had to say to notice their exchange.
"Ethan was so worried about you." With a small smile, Gwen pulled out gloves from her coat pocket."It was so adorable. He was very protective of you. I caught him warning Fox many times... 'If you even think about hurting her...'" Gwen gave a small chuckle at the memory and Whitney responded with an uncomfortable smile.
Whatever good will that had lead Whitney to visiting Ethan had vanished and now she just needed to leave. She sensed Gwen's breakdown coming.
"You know Ethan said that to someone else for me once too?" Gwen's calmness began to melt away. She looked down at her hands and she began to cry. "I'd broken up with Ethan when we were seventeen because I caught him with... someone else," Gwen trailed off with a sigh. "I was going on a date with someone else, mainly to make Ethan jealous. And then I heard Ethan warning that boy."
Where on Earth is Rebecca? Whitney silently fretted.
"Look, Gwen..." Whitney began, but her voice trailed off and she found that she was unable to complete her sentence. Her own panic was beginning to match Gwen's.
"It was the first time I fully believed that he that he cared for me," Gwen sobbed. "I thought he had only stayed with me because of our parents, but that's when I knew it was real."
Gwen awkwardly and slowly pressed her head against Whitney's shoulder. Whitney gave a small sigh of resignation and hung her arm around Gwen's shoulders to console her as she continued to sob. They sat there for a few minutes until Gwen was able to compose herself.
Gwen moved away from Whitney and wiped away any residual tears. "Thank you for... well, for just listening. I'm sorry about unloading all of this on you."
Whitney nodded. Not like I had a choice. Whitney frowned and pushed away the bitter thought.
A high-pitched shriek from behind Gwen jolted the women's attentions. "Why you shameless slut!"
Eve had not been far behind Rebecca and, with a nurse's help, had been able to drag Rebecca and Theresa away from each other's reach and forcefully split apart to separate areas of the hallway under Eve's watchful eye.
"Did Gwen tell you what she's planning to do?" Theresa asked Whitney, panic- stricken.
"Planning to do?"
"They're talking about taking Ethan off of life support." Theresa's eyes began to well. "The doctors have been asking if Ethan has a living will. And if the living will asks for him to be removed from life support then that's what they're going to do." Tears began to roll down her face. "They're not even going to give him a chance," Theresa's voice broke.
"Oh God..." Whitney closed her eyes. This was what it all had spiraled down to.
"Whitney, did she tell you what she's goi- "
"No, she didn't, Theresa," Whitney's voice hardened. Theresa winced and there was a pause in their conversation.
"I was trying to say something to you, but you looked away..." Theresa trailed off in a tone that meant she wanted an explanation.
Whitney sighed. She caught sight of Gwen and Rebecca from across the room whispering to each other in hushed tones. Every once in a while one of them would raise their voice loud enough for Theresa and Whitney to catch a word or a phrase.
"...can't believe it..."
"...tell her..."
"...have to leave..."
Whitney looked back to Theresa. "I guess I just didn't want to -- I didn't feel right turning away from her right then."
"Didn't feel right?!" Theresa cried. "Whitney, all I want to know is what they are going to do to Ethan, to the man I love." Theresa took Whitney's hands into hers. "Please, Whitney, I need you to find this out for me."
Whitney looked at Theresa's tear-stained face and opened her mouth to respond, but she found that at that particular moment she could barely breathe.
The breakdown, it was always there simmering beneath the surface. Whitney usually knew to deal with it and there were many ways that she did deal with it: think about something else, think about someone else, cry about it, count to three, take the blows, run away and hide, run away and escape...
But Whitney wondered what would happen if she didn't pull back and keep a lid on it all for once. What would happen if she let it out?
Would it matter?
Screw it all because it would't be getting any better.
"Shut up, Theresa!" Her voice had been loud enough to garner the attentions of Gwen, Rebecca, and Eve.
Theresa quietly cried in front of her. "Whitney, I - "
"Just shut up!" Whitney jerked her hands out of Theresa's weak hold. "Just one more favor, just one more secret, just one more scheme, just one more, just one damn more thing..."
Eve approached Whitney and tried to place a hand on Whitney's shoulder. "Don't even, Mom," Whitney snapped coldly.
Whitney squeezed her eyes shut and raised her hand to meet the cross at her chest, to find the solace she needed. She needed to be good, kind, and forgiving. She needed to be good... She needed to be good... But as hard as she willed the peace that she was being taught to embrace would not come to her now.
Whitney opened her eyes to see Eve and Theresa staring at her curiously. Neither of them could bring themselves to say anything. "I hate you... both of you. Oh, if you only knew!"
"Don't say that, Whit."
"I hate you, Theresa! I hate you, Mom! I hate Miles, I hate Chad, I hate Dad, I hate Fox, I hate Simone, Julian, Liz, Ethan, Gwen, Ivy... I hate you all."
Whitney tipped her face to the floor. "I'm so tired of this." Whitney felt a hand against her cheek and looked up at Eve. Over Eve's shoulder she could see Gwen dragging a reluctant Rebecca into Ethan's room and closing the door behind them. Eve moved closer to pull Whitney into an embrace, but Whitney pulled away. She folded her arms tightly and began to sob.
Get away... get away... get away... get away...
Whitney rose from her seat and turned into the hallway to leave. Theresa followed behind her. "Whitney, wait!" Whitney paused.
Her head was swimming and she could barely think. There was too much going on in her mind to concentrate. "Get away from me, Theresa," Whitney choked out in her barely controlled fury.
"Look, just talk to me..."
And Whitney broke out. She spun around and shrieked, "I said get away from me!" Whitney's palms connected with Theresa's shoulders. She was able to shove her hard enough to make Theresa's side fall back onto a fire extinguisher jutting out of the wall.
This wasn't here.
She didn't exist. None of this did.
She never came to the hospital. She never visited Ethan and talked to Gwen.
She never lost her temper. She never screamed at her mom. She never pushed Theresa.
Theresa was not lying on the floor bruised and bleeding.
Whitney found that she couldn't move from that spot. She looked down at her mother frantically looking over her best friend. "Look at me, Theresa! I need you to focus."
Sister Rose found her an hour later sitting in the ER waiting room. She began to scold her until she saw the distressed look on Whitney's face.
"What is the matter?"
As a reflex to that question, Whitney responded, "Nothing." Whitney looked downwards at her hands and chewed at her lip.
Sister Rose sat down across from Whitney. "It is this kind of habit of keeping things to yourself that causes you most of your pain. I think you're used to keeping yourself closed off... Whitney, am I right?"
Whitney nodded still refusing to meet Rose's sympathetic eyes.
"Then tell me..." the Sister moved to sit next to Whitney "...what happened?"
"I hurt my best friend." Before Whitney could stop herself, the whole story of the day's events began to fall from her lips.
Whitney tried to write out some note of apology to Theresa before Whitney was to leave the hospital, but nothing seemed right. One of her many discarded notes had simply said, I'm sorry. Whitney had stared at that one for a moment before tearing it up into tiny bits of pieces. But now on a new small sheet of paper, she wrote down those two simple words again.
It wouldn't be enough, but it would have to do.