Twas the night before Christmas, in shiny Las Vegas
All the neon lit up to pay homage to Magus
Who, with his two pals brought gifts to the Christ Child,
on the day of his birth – they were completely beguiled.
The gamblers were nestled all snug by their tables,
No thought, not a one, for the babe in the stable.
And my woman in her thong, and I in my Speedo,
Had just settled in to attend my libido.
When out in the parking lot of my motel,
Came a clamor of voices, and lights I knew well.
"Get out of the way!" I yelled at my whore,
Closed up my open robe, and peered out of the door.
The booze on the breath of my newly-found 'ho
Made the movement of objects out yonder seem slow.
And just what in the hell was I looking at?
'Twas a shiny black Tahoe, and eight fresh-faced lab rats.
With a strapping young driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than bookies his techies they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
There was Bobby and Henry, and I realized in my stupor,
That there were two Davids – both Hodges and Super!
"Now Ronnie! now Mandy! now Archie and Wendy!
We need to discover Grandma's modus vivendi!"
He was dressed all in black, from his head to his toe,
And he nodded his head, a respectful hello.
The bright kit of tools he held tight in his hand,
Made him look so efficient, and quite in command.
But then… I saw her, and it tore me to pieces
Grandma overrun, surrounded by polices.
A spilled cup of eggnog lay by her person,
And Grandpa's face, suspiciously, did not worsen.
The hoofprints on her forehead were rather suspicious.
"Put out an APB for Clauses seditious!"
St. Nicholas continued to survey the scene,
Looked here and there, and at Cousin Belle… too serene.
His eyes, how they narrowed! His dimples did flatten!
His mouth drew a breath, and his voice was like satin.
"Belle," he said nicely, "We've got some questions to ask.
Please come with this officer… and put down your flask."
Now Wendy asked him, "What seems to be the trouble?
Belle seems OK… if a bit in her own bubble."
"There's a hoofprint on her butt," Nick sagely replied.
"OK she might be… but for some reason, she lied."
Away to the station, Belle flew like a flash,
In the back of a cruiser, with Brass at the dash.
Not many moments later, he had Belle admitting
She'd planned it with Grandpa, her cuffs were befitting.
"With Grandma gone," Nick explained wisely to Wendy,
"Belle and Grandpa are rich – their address more trendy."
"That's messed up!" she declared. "What people will do!"
"Yeah," agreed St. Nicholas. "More crime to persue."
He sprang to his Tahoe, to his team gave a holler,
And away they all scattered like he had them on collars.
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to y'all a good night!"